Very Tired and Dazed

Well, I started today out really well, in constant song that lasted most all day. Oh update that I did talk to Dad about him and Daddy's only advice it that it takes awhile to get to know someone. I'm just wondering how well you can get to know someone when it seems you're always flirting. Not that I don't enjoy it.. in fact I'm not particulary certain I'd want it to stop anytime soon. But still the question remains. I'm about entirely over the age difference. And confession of confessions... I've bared my heart to him and I'm wondering at the sanity or lack thereof on my part. There's part of me that's blown away that he really cares to know that much about me. And another part of me that thinks I've really just lost it to let him hear my rather unedited thoughts. Only time will tell, but right now I just feel... scared. Because that's the closest I've let a guy in or the most any guy has wanted near my heart? And I don't really know if it's safe. Not that he'd intentionally hurt me.. but what if it hurts him? Or he doesn't like what he sees... that'd really be great if he realizes.. ugh.. not what I was after.. but then I wouldn't want him to lie and hang around and be unhappy. ARG! I wish life wasn't stressful!! Or as the previous post.. we were only allowed to like "the one" and be saved this torment of wondering and fear that exsists from being mishandled in the past. Oh for perfection, eh? *sigh* I'd better get me to bed before I think any more.... sometimes I'm not sure if thinking is good or not. I don't really know that much about him.. I guess I've got to stop being shy of asking questions. I've never been nosey but perhaps I'm not nosey enough. *shudder* One minute it seems what's too good to be true might just really be true. And the next I know I've thought I was convinced of things before and was so disasterously wrong and I distrust myself. He seems pretty convinced. I just wonder if he really knows the extent of the power he holds over my heart. I'm really tired.. it's late.. and I really should get to bed. G'night

Unsettled Thought

I'm spoiled. Not only did he spend his Friday evening with me, I got to enjoy the heated seats in his car, he wandered in B&N w/ me (even suggested it), gave me a neck massage *embarrassed face*, and told me how pretty he thinks I am (in not quite so blunt terms). He's quite the gentleman. And I fear my heart is too easily had. I'm suppose to just encourage the friendship.. but how am I suppose to keep from my heart being involved (and his heart more importantly) when every little way he pursues me just..."hits the spot"? Damn if he weren't younger! Why does he have to be exactly what I've asked God for? I know... Hannah's prolly flipping out at this point. Camille was thoroughly disgusted at even the hint of the idea. *shrug* am I blinded by attention? and heated seats? *wry smile*...*headshake* ah me... I fear I'm not in good shape to be blogging tonight. Too much confession of how I really feel. Feelings are deceptive. Don't trust them. Intuition yes.. but not just feelings. I have this sense of failure. Like I've really done it this time. I clued him in on how I feel and only emotional/relational disaster awaits. I'm sure it's my own morbidity. I just wish... that I wouldn't like anyone 'til the right one came along? And that that were true for everyone so none of us would screw up. He needs to get an education.. at least an associates from AB if nothing else. I don't think people realize what a darling he is. He hides behind the family sense of humor alot. :)... I have issues.. and questions... and perhaps answers I don't want to hear. I guess I'm not really looking for any here. I'm just getting this out and wishing it'd all go away.

I got mail from Va. Tech today. They still are accepting me into their Biochemistry program. Part of me seriously doesn't want to go. And some compulsive academic part of me is ready to run off and go. Using my mind still sounds like fun... but it seems like the horse stuff keeps dying off. I hate that happening. ya know what my daydream is? Living on my own land in a large log cabin or farmhouse with a garden out back and forested mountainside beyond that. Rolling pasture stretching out in front... barn off to the right perhaps. About a dozen horses out at pasture. A few mine.. a few I'm training. A broodmare of my own in foal out there too maybe. My small but flourising horse business. My boys coming tearing in the mud room from whatever games they'd been playing at in the woods... just in time to get cleaned up for supper. Setting the table, while my husband just comes through the door (coming home from work) gives me a hug and asks what smells so good.. I tell him it what's in the skillet... he says no it has to be me.... later on that evening the boys catching fireflies in the front lawn/pastures with the dogs...my hubby and I (and likely the cat) on the front porch watching them... and the stars coming out... and talking about how our day went.... and wondering together... and marveling at God's hand where ever we happen to see it. :)...
Do I ask too much of life? I don't know.. but that's really what I want. Funny.. I know I may have daughters but I always think of boys when I think of having kids. %) watch me get all girls.
:) wouldn't that be cool to waltz on the dewy summer evening grass with your husband? :D... I like that idea. Maybe I dream too much.. but no.. without a vision the people perish. *soft smile*... I don't know when or with who but I don't think God would deny me my heart's deepest desire. Perhaps that isn't the picture of happiness. But for some reason it's what I think I really want. I dunno... I think I'll just go to bed now and pray my daydreams come true. I love ya'll...later :)

Personality Quiz Result

You Are A Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this worldSo much so that you tend to live in your head most of the timeYou have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?


just interesting.. I don't know what the other souls are like but I just found this rather accurate. What do you think?

Snowed In

I've been snowed in today. Being stuck at home w/church canceled is one of those things that makes me wish I had siblings.. particularly a younger sister. For the most part I'm quite happy to be an only child but it'd be nice to have a younger sister to torment and play in the snow with. Did I really just confess to wanting to torment another human being? I guess I did *impish-yet-innocent smile* I took pictures most of which I posted at myphotoalbum.com. There's some under the "Nature" album and some under "Horses and Horseshows". It's been an overall slow but quiet day. I talked Brian earlier. He and I decided we need to become millionares and we came up with our own business idea to accomplish it. We'll start our business when we're 25. :) I've tried calling Court and Graham so far and niether have answered their phones so B and Art are the only ones I've talked to. I went and saw "End of the Spear" w/ Brian and Graham on friday. It was a really good movie. AH!! I remember!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D... the guy that plays Nate Saint in the movie looked so stinkin' familiar! He played Dr. Quinn's oldest adopted son on the TV series, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. That was a good series. No one ever shows it any more though. Jane Seymore starred in it. And I'm talking in short choppy sentences. %p

The snow was too powdery to make anything with but when it does melt down I'm gonna make a hershey's kiss. Why? because I want to. *decisive nod of head* :).

I just got off the phone with Court so Graham remains to be the only one left to talk to today that I would feel cheated if I didn't get to talk to because I didn't go to church. But mom's wanting me to come downstairs and watch The Color Purple with her so even if he does call I may not get to talk to him. *sigh* At any rate.. I think I'll end this post.. Oh! after this ;)

While I was out taking pictures today I saw the beautiful little cardinal on the north side of the house in the pine trees. I didn't think to get my camera up quick enough but he was just so poetic. At piece of vibrant, red brightness flitting about the white snow and almost blackish green of the pines. I was just a lovely little "I love you" from my Heavenly Father... course I guess all the beautiful aspects of the snow are if you think about. But the snow isn't just for me but for everyone. :) I think today was just a God ordained kinda day. Not that they aren't all God ordained... but ya know? I guess I just noticed His hand more today and hopefully it was His smile that I felt upon it. :) But I'm gonna go now.. I love ya'll!!

Unconnected Thoughts...

...yet connected all the same :).

Funny how this life is.. you'd think so long as something wasn't morally wrong, there shouldn't be any reason for one to wish away things that make one smile. Yet I find myself doing just that. But then there's this terrifying place for me of learning how to love and letting my heart be stretched out in ways unfamiliar... and going before God and asking to be that kind of woman, who by others loving her become more true and loving to what they should be. And realizing that, that won't come until I let go of fears and stay near Him and learn His ways. And trust. And not be afraid and not wish away those things that make me go around and smile like a silly goose. Just offer them up to Him at the end of the day and let Him have them. And trust that in days to follow He'll continue to provide those smiles when I need them from whom He decides to send them through. Everything will indeed be okay. Trust. :) I never really realized how many or how strong my fears are sometimes... I guess I'd been hiding from them and I just freaked out at facing them.. but I'm facing them and shall walk through. :) I know this likely only makes partial sense but it's my mind working itself out.

When I did the 3 day fast with my church congregation I fasted secular media so in the evening Mom and I ended up watch Christain TV. Through that we learned about this preacher in Ga. who was teaching on the 21 day Daniel fast (fasting meat, breads, & sweets...eating only fruits and veggies and drinking water) and fasting in general. I'm not inclined to go into it here, except it's a time of prayer and petition before God and it seriously weakens the enemy's strongholds in your life. Mom and Dad and I decided to embark on a 21 day Daniel fast together as a family starting tomorrow. We'll be fasting about somethings together (like moving closer to Asheville) and some things that we chose to pray about individually. I don't really know why I'm posting about it here - I hate telling ppl when I'm fasting - but perhaps I'll mention in posts to follow what I'm fasting about and such. I dunno. I just felt like posting about it. And I am excited about it... though... %p... fearful too. I guess fearful of what I might find out about myself or what I may be asked to let go of... but I'll just have to cross those bridges when I come to them, eh?

Today my church kicked off new season in the women's ministry. They've named the women's ministry QUEST.. which is an acronym for Quiet Spirit, Encouragement, Service, Training. I wasn't really comfortable with the acronym at first but the lady who's in charge has read Captivating and that somehow just set me at peace... and I'm excited about it. Oh.. btw... we "kicked off" by having a ladies' luncheon and cookie exchange. It was cool.

Life's a dance. And places and parts of it are so much fun and beautiful and you just get lost in the beauty and the joy of it. And other places are scary and rough because you want to anticipate the next part and you can't and none of it is familiar and being me I seriously worry about "messing it up" or "stepping on someone's toes". And that's where I just have to trust the Master Dancer and let Him lead and not get worried over not knowing what comes next and just be certain I'm in His arms 'cause if I'll just relax and listen to His sweeter song He'll guide me through the complicated part and make it beautiful.

...So close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal into something beautiful...
...And I'm still fighting for the word to break these chains
And I still pray when I look in Your eyes
You'll look back down into something beautiful...

Jars of Clay... kinda sad sounding but not meant to be. Just the song that came to mind. And it fits. It works too with the part I have in the dance coming up. That seems to be shaping up rather well too. It's still gonna be the grace of God I pull it off but things are falling into place. I guess I've not much else to say. I know life will work itself out in the end. heh heh I just don't like getting car sick in the bumpy parts of life's road. Ya know?...lol

I love ya'll!!!! Don't be too concerned by my unsettledness... all will be well. :)

Batter my heart, three-personed God, for You
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend.
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurped town to another due,
Labor to admit You, but Oh! to no end.
Reason, Your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love You, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto Your enemy;
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;
Take me to You, imprison me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except You ravish me.

~John Donne