Meanderings

I don't really have anything in particular to say. I just have this obligatory feeling of posting something to balance out my despairing wail, since I've felt neither despairing nor wailing in the last few weeks. I think I'm not letting my struggles get the better of me... or I'm letting apathy keep me from guilt. But I think it's more the former with a small touch of the latter. I'm reading Blue Like Jazz and it's challenging me to be more real. It's been, so far, like Romans 12 from the Message Bible. I keep switching back and forth from living the goodness of God from my own strength, and getting really frustrated, and living the goodness of God from His strength, and wondering what I thought was so difficult about loving others. But... I think I'm learning that, rather than feeling like I keep falling into a muddy ditch and then crawling out again, it's more like dancing. I've kinda got the rhythm, but I keep forgetting to let Him lead. So, while I'm staying on beat for the most part, (to watch me you wouldn't think anything's that off) I don't always take the right step. It's not a sin to not take the perfect right step. God doesn't think me a failure for it by any means. But He does expect me to keep trying. Baby steps, and missteps don't insult Him, but choosing to stay a baby does. He expects growth. But He delights in our growing process, (it seems to me) just as much as in the "final product". We, as humans, tend to get sick of the journey and crave the ending of all travels. But I think the journey may just be His favorite part. *soft smile* I dunno... that's just what's floating around in my head today. I think it's time for me to shove off and get my day started. Loves!

*Despairing Wail*

This week has been so screwy. It's been my fault... and... I'd like to say half not my fault... but I think it's all my fault... I think. *sigh* I really want to go to sleep and wake up and it be a 4 day weekend with this last week washed from the books. But Fall Break is Monday and Tuesday next week. And I'm working on office-y stuff Tuesday next week anyway (yep.. campus is open and I'm going into work...) I've just had this feeling that I haven't said the things I should or have said the things I shouldn't. That every little shade of meaning has been off because I've either heistated or didn't think first. I forgot to work a half hour late for a co-worker yesterday and realized it today... was to pay back a favor she did for me... and I forgot and screwed up :'(... *sigh*... I could really go for this week being wiped off the books... except I think I did well on one of the two dances I was tested on. That seems like the only good thing this week. seriously.

Chick-flicks, Fall, Growth, and Dancing

So much, so much floating and dancing in my brain... not unlike those eternal sugar plums except my thoughts are more like pieces of light that have taken form.. they're lighter and sweeter than sugar plums could ever be... 'course I've never actually seen a sugar plum or eaten one for that matter. That would pose a problem wouldn't it? *wry smile* Is a sugar plum a sugar cured plum.. thus.. a sugar encrusted prune? That really takes the airy poetic-ness out of my mental image..lol... I should stick with my other thoughts but it's quite obvious I'm in a rambling mood. :-)

I watched 13 Going on 30 with my Tilley woman! I'm picky about chick-flicks. No just any will do. This one was amazing for me. And you want to know the truly "special" part? Watching that movie restored my deep desire to marry my best friend. It restored my hope too. Just in that... I lost some essence of myself, my innocence the past year or two and silly as it sounds I felt restored hope after watching that movie. I'm feeling braver to be.. at little more narrow minded. I always figured it was beyond asking God to let my husband love horses. I always figured the most I could hope for is someone who would tolerate horses and let me own them. But I'm gonna be brave. I'm gonna wait for a guy who likes horses and living in the country and who likes dancing or is at least willing to learn. You have no idea how narrow minded I feel at the moment. It's half scary, half deliciously happy..lol.. I'm a strange girl, no?...lol...

Until the leaves are off the trees, you're going have to tolerate my infatuation with the season. If I could somehow fashion my soul after fall and it's splendor, I would do so. What I would give to be perpetually arrayed in reds, oranges, and yellows... those rich vibrant earthy tones the land wears every autumn. To live as a fresh, cool breeze in light of the warming Son. If I could be the embodiment of autumn and bring to others the this, mad, joyful expecting I feel in my inmost....I should be a very happy woman indeed. Can't you just feel the whole earth shouting with all consuming joy to its Creator?! Fall was made for me. You can enjoy it too ;-).. and if I didn't exsist, God would have still made it for you to enjoy. But this is when I bask most in God's glory and wish it to take over and wholly own me.

You want to know something amazing? I've been happy. No, not just "happy". Like... Fridays at work are my comp lab days. They are typically very quiet and I love it. Print for a few people. Smile. Show them how to save a document or maybe do a few things in Word. I get to play on the computer, journal, read The Word, and just get sometime to myself for about 4 hours. That's a normal Friday. THIS Friday was not normal. I pulled into my parking spot 10minutes late to open the lab (my fault.. I accept that ;-)..) and hit the ground running to get the computers going. I printed like a mad woman for the first few minutes and then things settled down after my first hour. Within the next half hour, I had settled in enough to call my boss and ask about timesheets and she, hearing how quiet my lovely lab was, decided to send me a chem student that the over flowing math lab wasn't able to help. As far as getting anything I'd wanted to done online... I could kiss it goodbye. I was either working on chemistry or printing the rest of my day. In fact, I ended up working a half hour past closing because I couldn't work on chem and get people to leave. So I did finally make it up to math lab to work on my time sheet but I ended up being about 2 hours late leaving work. And I still had grocery shopping to do for mom. Which I did. Oh, and I don't get a lunch break..so.. I'd made it to the grocery store at 4:30pm-ish on nothing but breakfast. And you want to know what? I was still in a decent mood. I was still laughing my head off joking with my co-workers. What normally would have made me rather grumpy (I really enjoy time to myself infront of hi-speed internet and pandora radio in the background), only annoyed me momentarily. I hope I don't sound like I'm bragging. I'm shocked and (sheepish isn't the right word) shyly pleased with myself. But it couldn't have been me. I've gotten grumpy before for just having to tutor people who really aren't that bad... just happen to annoy me in little ways. It's a God thing. And I hope it stays around. :-) :-)

All of Your promises won'l let go of me
I surrendered my life to Your ways
I have learned what it means to obey
Jesus, my heart has been changed by You
I am walking the path you have made
I am seeking the truth everyday
Jesus, my heart has been changed by You
I couldn't walk away if I tried
Cause Your love is better than life
Now the sun's shining bright and it just won't set
Cause Your love is alive and it lights my step
My heart is amazed everyday to the next
Your joy overtakes and I can't forget about it
Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh
I can't forget about it

~ Promises - Desperation

My Vagabond Song

The weather has been glorious lately, and I experienced the lovely rarity of driving through a thick, frosty fog this morning with patches of light frost scattered throughout the valley. This weather makes me very happy.

I find myself in an interesting place as Atonement approaches (Oct. 9th). I’ve been having moments of clarity. For brief flashes, I think above life’s daily fog. I can see opportunity. Dreams crystallize into feasible reality. I catch my breath, and reach out to touch it… and for moment in time my heart’s desires are real. I can “feel” them. And then they fade back to dreams, as I gently come back down into the fog. I’m learning to not let the fog trouble me as much as it has in the past. I just find myself yearning for the wisdom to recognize the opportunities I saw in bright day when I see them in the fog. Because if I can still recognized them enshrouded, the opportunities can still be had.

With the weather, the lovely dancing tune in my heart has returned. ‘Course it prolly has something to do with family worship time in the evenings too. But cool, sunny autumn days have always been intoxicating to me …lol. You remember that part of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe when Aslan is resurrected and has just told the girls he feels he’s about to roar? Yeah.. that’s me once I’m awake. This is always an invigorating time of year for me.. but I think I’ll quit rambling on about that ;).

I’ve been wanderingly looking at schools again. (Trans: that means I’m only half seriously looking). Western Carolina has a fairly simple (in terms of # of classes) dance minor. That could be very lovely in keeping me sane in the midst of a chem major.. and surely it would count for much in terms of “fine arts”? Yes, by the way, chem is the major I’m looking at. I can’t bring myself to do just the education. People seem to fail to realize that patience and ability to explain things in multiple ways are the fundamental requirements to being an educator. Passing annoying classes about teaching methods..*sigh* but I suppose I shouldn’t judge the classes. It’s prolly just my severe distaste for papers and not the actual class content that repels me .
I’m aching for room to dance and worship. I wish I could shut down the gym at school and have it to myself. *wry smile*


Have I mentioned the weather is glorious? *wanders off in her own little dance…*

Self Frustration

I'm so irritated!!!! I had an opportunity to be a witness to a co-worker and I didn't take it. I hinted but I didn't take the bait. *wail*... Yes, yes... I know I'm not a life failure but, at the moment it feels like it. I missed the opportunity. I played it over in my head on the way home. I coulda touched and old wound... and perhaps brought it healing. Why did I chicken? ARGGGGG!!! When laid before me the opportunity to say "No, Christianity is not about God sending people anywhere. Christianity is about: God created mankind. Mankind rebelled. God said "I love my creation too much to let them walk away, but they broke the rules." So God sent his Son to pay the price for our ancestor's mistake so that we could have a choice. Adam and Eve made a choice to walk away from God and that is the world they left for us to inherit. God wanted better for us. And we have the choice. We can chose to walk after Love Himself... and live life everafter growing in Love. Or we can choose to live life our own way w/o God. That's not what He wants for us. But we can choose the hell our forefathers left to our inheritance," I let the opportunity slip. DRAT! DRAT! DRAT! RAWR!! *deflating sigh* perhaps, perhaps.... now for me to learn mercy for my self... and a chance for grace to take the op the next time it comes along...... and praying for the strength and wisdom to do it.

*Happy Bounce Bounce*

I've found this awesome new website! It's : www.biblegateway.com It's really cool cuz not only is it like a concordance but it has half a bazillion different versions of the Bible. I love it. :-D

Bordem at Work....aka Life in Computer Lab

*yawn* I have too much time to think in here. In ways it's good and in ways it's not good. I wish I'd brought my Bible with me. I think Friday's shall be my thinking days. LOL.. now if I could truly determine to be a functioning human being w/o thinking all the other days! That'd be awesome. My majorly big thought for today? What if it's not about keeping Jesus the creme in the double stuft oreos of our lives? What if life's more like the jello fruit salad stuff.. and we're the fruit and He's the jello? I mean come on.. it does say in... um... arg.. Colossians I think? He is before all things and in Him all things hold together. I may have to change my facebook religious views in light of today's contemplations.

Boo yah!!! It's Colossians 1:17. Did you know you can even Google the Bible online?.. It's amazing. I'm having a sleepy-amazing day.

To Be Loved by a Horse

... to sit in a pasture and be shoved a little by a soft muzzle, "you're sitting on my grass," he said.

... to have my "messy bun" wiggled around by inquiring horsey lips and the sides of my face and shoulders snuffled to her personal satisfaction before resting her horsey cheek next to mine...

... to land off the last jump of a perfectly ridden course, and shout my "Yeah! Baby! Whoot!" while he bucks his pleasure, and we laugh at our accomplishment...

... to scratch the itchy spots that an aging arthritic neck can no longer reach, and be ever so gently scratched by horsey teeth in thanks...

... this is one of the sweetest things on earth, to be loved by a horse.

A Sense of Community and Other Observations

I think what I miss most in my life is a sense of community, a sense of being apart of something bigger that I have in common with others, a shared love. soft laugh ... How have I come to this conclusion? Mom and I went to the Saturday portion of City League International show at the Ag Center this weekend. We watched the young riders (15 -18yrs) from all over the south (south as far as Venezuela and Columbia) jump their horses in the outdoor area. In the evening, we watched the Olympic level adults in the Mac Arena. It reawakened a place in my heart that aches. I miss showing. I miss the family-ish-ness of being a part of a barn and competing with my peers. I miss riding lessons. I miss jumping for the pure, unadulterated joy of it. With that ache comes the longing to be a part of a church family also. I won't even expand on that except to say I'm sick of it not existing and my family's seeming inability to find a place that we can blend and be a family with. sigh.. I think this underlying longing is what sometimes makes me feel almost panicky to get married or find "the one". It's not that I really need to get married, more that I just miss sharing life with people my age who really love what I love. I share my life with my parents but I don't know why I find that so difficult. Some of the difficulty is I want to feel like an adult, but I don't. And part of me blames my parents for that, but is it really their fault? I dunno. I hate feeling like a waif. I hate dreaming and feeling inadequate and ill equipped to see any dream a reality. And in spite of feeling this way I had joy today. It was strange. Mom sent me off this morning with a "wish" of meeting some handsome guys my age at work/school. It offended me at first. It felt like she was saying the prospects at hand (there's one-ish) weren't worth it. As if she had better in her pocket! And then as the day wore on I realized I was deciding that the pickings were slim and I'd better see if I can't settle and make do with what's at hand than to keep looking and never get married at all. Why do I let myself get into these silly ruts? She's right. Any day might be "the day". Why do I let myself get discouraged so easily and doubt so easily? sigh... why do I allow myself to live on a roller coaster of doubt and unbelief?

I dunno... but yes, joy crept in today and I am grateful. Sounds odd after my griping huh? chuckle... I don't know how God does it. I've found there's very little I feel certain of these days, but I do know this. God loves us, and gives us joy. There's way more to it than that... but maybe there isn't. "Be imitators of God, as dearly beloved children.." God is love. "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us". While we were still wallowing in sin, Jesus was about to pop with love for us and said "Yes! Go ahead and create mankind... They'll be worth dying for. I'll set the price. They are worth it." Jesus loves just as much when I'm an "uncleaned fish" as He does when I really am walking in His image like I was created to. That and my dance class have been my happy thoughts. :-) Oh, and I've been riding more and beginning to train the Stella (4 yr. mare) under saddle*. When I ride, I feel God's pleasure. :-).. but ya already knew that ;-)... well my peeps.. I need to end my rambles and get me to bed. I love you all!

"I love my God the first of all,
Then Him that perished on the cross,
And next, my wife -- and then I fall
Down on my knees and love the hoss."
~ excerpt from "The Hoss" by J.W. Riley


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(*trans: under saddle means I've been riding her a little. Up to this point I've been working with her on ground manners such as, picking up her feet when I ask, walking quietly beside me and observing my personal space, and other skills that will make her an easily handled horse)

Birth Pangs

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what's enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our
expectancy.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right along side helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity He restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.
~ Romans 8:22-30 (Msg)

I wrote this whole passage out in my journal a year ago today, and it's more poignant... makes more sense now than it ever did. This pain, the universal frustration I see in myself and in some of my friends, is the pain of transition, I think. New things, new chapters are being birthed in us and let's face it. Giving birth ain't comfy. You could even say it sucks... until you see, until you experience the new life, until you hold the thing you've wrestled with. When you reach that point... the pain was worth it. I don't know if I'm at that point yet, but I can say I've grown tremendously. Yet in the bigness of my growth I still realize I have so much more to go. But I'm so grateful for the promise: "...he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun."

Rhythms and Finding the Deep

You know that rhythm.. that song that bubbles up from nowhere? It's not necessarily any song you've heard before, but some tune you find yourself humming. It's been absent in me for awhile. Infact nearly any tune coming to mind to hum has been absent.... but I'm finding it slowly, shyly bubbling up. It's not the wild possessing tune it use to be, but it's more like an airy waltz. It's shy... and I can't call it up at will. But it comes to me occassionally.... more frequently than that music in general is coming back. Sometimes it's Moondance, and other times some worship music I've heard at camp. I'm realizing the hunger in myself for God. Not that I would have denied it before... but the earnest yearning to go deeper.. to be satisfied.. and knowing that people, places, and nothing else can really satisfy that hunger. But I find lacking the ability or the direction to dive into the deep. I know it's necessity but there isn't a devotional that really inspires me to get there. But is it some failure within myself that I need "inspiration"? I'm seriously considering fasting over break.... to press in. Going up to Living Waters was sooooo good. Freedom to get lost in worship.. and freedom to let girlfriends love on each other. That's the bad part of working with lesbians. Ya just tend to watch yourself because of them. But being around dear girlfriends and sharing our Heavenly Daddy's love was just awesome. I miss that sense of community, but I hope somehow someway to create it (or make opportunity for it to exist) in this horsey venture God's taking me on. It's so difficult to walk patiently. *wry smile* Oh for life's transitions, eh? I want so much to be full of God's love and love others the way He does.. but I always find myself lacking. Sometimes I feel like I'm learning to stand on my own to feet when I should be learning to dance. But all in His time.

I'm taking dancing for fitness as a class this fall! Isn't that exciting?!.. I'm thinking about taking a continuing ed begining guitar class in the spring. It's very exciting. And I'm riding more these days. I'm realizing what a wonderful ole diva horse I own. And I have a feeling God's gonna be teaching me some incredible stuff with my new little girlie (Stella) that I'm training. I think that's all for my ramble today. :-)

Is It Shocking...

... that I've posted 2 days in a row?..lol.. I'm shocked. *wry smile*

Welp... "Wonder boy" has, I think, decided to move on.. what bothers me is that guys don't seem to see the need to tell me such things. *shrug* I realize it could be awkward... it just.. bothers me. Ya wanna date someone else? Fine.. we said it was "just friends" from the beginning.. can we be friends and not just avoid/ignore/feel awkward about wanting to date someone else? I'm not sure if this is a boy problem or a society created problem. I do feel thoroughly convicted that courting is a load of crap. Maybe it worked in a different day and time but it doesn't make sense to most ppl today and from my experience it just plain doesn't work. Casual dating could work... so long as one is guarding their heart. Which Wb would be a case of causal dating working - ish. I dunno... but I think Joshua Harris' whole "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" stuff is a croc-o-crap past highschool. Not dating when you can't pursue a marraige relationship makes sense. Not dating when you can pursue a marraige relationship doesn't make sense unless you're not interested in getting married. This doesn't mean I think everyone should date. I think the fact the ppl would try to force some general rule for dating/not dating is the biggest problem. I think it's between God and the individual. Just like all public and private Christian schools are wrong and homeschooling is the only way. That's a farce too. I'd like to homeschool my kids (should I ever get married and have any), but that's not the only way. Many ppl come through "alternative" education systems just fine. I very much think it's an individual thing. If any of this makes sense %) *shrug*. *sigh*.. we shall see what life brings, eh?

Some Ramblings Associated with My Year of Absence

Wow.. so it's been nearly a year since I last posted. It's been a growing year, I'll say that... a painful year too. But I'm beginning to learn that the purpose of pain is to help others... and to stretch out places in ourselves for God's love to dwell. It's not that He couldn't do it without pain. It's more we don't seem to understand it or fully grasp the good until we've experienced it's opposite. It interesting (to put it mildly) to be shaken and deconstructed to one's core. That surgery is excruciating in and of itself, but the reconstruction has its own pains and beauties. I know my rambling is rather cryptic, but that's okay... I'm just needing or wanting to ramble and let somethings wander from my mind where they may or may not be read.

They say time heals. It's not really time that heals... time is simply the container or the....thing that gives increments to the process. Healing is first a choice and desire for God's wholeness for the human heart. It is not necessarily what we want for ourselves.. certainly not at first... but it's the restructuring into something infinitely better than what we thought we wanted to be. And all along its process we have to make the choice to stick with it and keep healing. We can stop the process when we come across a part that we don't like.. and I think that is where we develop scars in our hearts... because if we'll let Him.. I don't really think He'll leave scars there. I think we come to a place where we scream in agony that the fixing is too painful and we don't want our wounds cleaned any deeper. That is where we tend to get scars. Yet God is willing to open up old scars and wounds for the sake of removing them if we'll let Him. Then with the removal (or finished reconstruction) comes the "physical therapy" where He teaches us how to love again, or better, how to love the way He intended us to. We often fear if we have to share the balm that healed us that we'll be scalded. It's a rather silly thought, but the fears are so subtle and even sensible when we hear them that we forget God's ways don't always make sense.. but are always better.

I'm doing lots of learning and growing right now. I'm where I'm suppose to be, though I don't always like it. I'm learning contentment in every situation, though I'm not always content. I am learning to approach life with expectancy but not expectations. I'm learning to judge no one, but still hold on to and believe in absolute truths. I hope I'm becoming wise... or at least wiser than I have been. I'm learning to open up yet still guard my heart. I hope to be an open pasture... a place of freedom and safety for those who know me... but I must learn true freedom myself. Freedom is not independance and control of one's self. Freedom is utter abandonment to God. It's loving the way He loves. It's knowing that while not all roads lead to Him, He will travel any road to find us. It's remembering that man was made in His image..whether sinner or saint.... and that He loves me just as much as he loves an axe murder... and that He want's all of us in heaven.. but some of us will choose to not go. Freedom is accepting that if God Almighty restricts Himself to work within the limits human will has placed on him, I shouldn't be out there imposing my will on others. I'm learning that I can't really love anyone truly until I'm full of Love Himself. We can't really love anything the way God intended until we don't need to be loved. It's not aloofness. It's a case of empty vessels trying to fill one another. We can never fill until we have been filled... and only God can fill us. Maybe a better explanation would be... we're constantly hungry for love, infact we're really in starvation mode unless we are totally consumed by God's love. When we are satisfied in God, we can actually appreciate the gift of love offered us by others. It's like with out God we're starved and the love offered us by others really isn't enjoyed.. just hurriedly consumed to keep us going. But when we're full of God's love we can truly savor the gifts we receive from others.

I think I've rambled enough for now :-).. I'll see how or if at all... what I've said so far settles upon my readers.