Wednesday, October 15, 2008
*Despairing Wail*
This week has been so screwy. It's been my fault... and... I'd like to say half not my fault... but I think it's all my fault... I think. *sigh* I really want to go to sleep and wake up and it be a 4 day weekend with this last week washed from the books. But Fall Break is Monday and Tuesday next week. And I'm working on office-y stuff Tuesday next week anyway (yep.. campus is open and I'm going into work...) I've just had this feeling that I haven't said the things I should or have said the things I shouldn't. That every little shade of meaning has been off because I've either heistated or didn't think first. I forgot to work a half hour late for a co-worker yesterday and realized it today... was to pay back a favor she did for me... and I forgot and screwed up :'(... *sigh*... I could really go for this week being wiped off the books... except I think I did well on one of the two dances I was tested on. That seems like the only good thing this week. seriously.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Chick-flicks, Fall, Growth, and Dancing
So much, so much floating and dancing in my brain... not unlike those eternal sugar plums except my thoughts are more like pieces of light that have taken form.. they're lighter and sweeter than sugar plums could ever be... 'course I've never actually seen a sugar plum or eaten one for that matter. That would pose a problem wouldn't it? *wry smile* Is a sugar plum a sugar cured plum.. thus.. a sugar encrusted prune? That really takes the airy poetic-ness out of my mental image..lol... I should stick with my other thoughts but it's quite obvious I'm in a rambling mood. :-)
I watched 13 Going on 30 with my Tilley woman! I'm picky about chick-flicks. No just any will do. This one was amazing for me. And you want to know the truly "special" part? Watching that movie restored my deep desire to marry my best friend. It restored my hope too. Just in that... I lost some essence of myself, my innocence the past year or two and silly as it sounds I felt restored hope after watching that movie. I'm feeling braver to be.. at little more narrow minded. I always figured it was beyond asking God to let my husband love horses. I always figured the most I could hope for is someone who would tolerate horses and let me own them. But I'm gonna be brave. I'm gonna wait for a guy who likes horses and living in the country and who likes dancing or is at least willing to learn. You have no idea how narrow minded I feel at the moment. It's half scary, half deliciously happy..lol.. I'm a strange girl, no?...lol...
Until the leaves are off the trees, you're going have to tolerate my infatuation with the season. If I could somehow fashion my soul after fall and it's splendor, I would do so. What I would give to be perpetually arrayed in reds, oranges, and yellows... those rich vibrant earthy tones the land wears every autumn. To live as a fresh, cool breeze in light of the warming Son. If I could be the embodiment of autumn and bring to others the this, mad, joyful expecting I feel in my inmost....I should be a very happy woman indeed. Can't you just feel the whole earth shouting with all consuming joy to its Creator?! Fall was made for me. You can enjoy it too ;-).. and if I didn't exsist, God would have still made it for you to enjoy. But this is when I bask most in God's glory and wish it to take over and wholly own me.
You want to know something amazing? I've been happy. No, not just "happy". Like... Fridays at work are my comp lab days. They are typically very quiet and I love it. Print for a few people. Smile. Show them how to save a document or maybe do a few things in Word. I get to play on the computer, journal, read The Word, and just get sometime to myself for about 4 hours. That's a normal Friday. THIS Friday was not normal. I pulled into my parking spot 10minutes late to open the lab (my fault.. I accept that ;-)..) and hit the ground running to get the computers going. I printed like a mad woman for the first few minutes and then things settled down after my first hour. Within the next half hour, I had settled in enough to call my boss and ask about timesheets and she, hearing how quiet my lovely lab was, decided to send me a chem student that the over flowing math lab wasn't able to help. As far as getting anything I'd wanted to done online... I could kiss it goodbye. I was either working on chemistry or printing the rest of my day. In fact, I ended up working a half hour past closing because I couldn't work on chem and get people to leave. So I did finally make it up to math lab to work on my time sheet but I ended up being about 2 hours late leaving work. And I still had grocery shopping to do for mom. Which I did. Oh, and I don't get a lunch break..so.. I'd made it to the grocery store at 4:30pm-ish on nothing but breakfast. And you want to know what? I was still in a decent mood. I was still laughing my head off joking with my co-workers. What normally would have made me rather grumpy (I really enjoy time to myself infront of hi-speed internet and pandora radio in the background), only annoyed me momentarily. I hope I don't sound like I'm bragging. I'm shocked and (sheepish isn't the right word) shyly pleased with myself. But it couldn't have been me. I've gotten grumpy before for just having to tutor people who really aren't that bad... just happen to annoy me in little ways. It's a God thing. And I hope it stays around. :-) :-)
~ Promises - Desperation
I watched 13 Going on 30 with my Tilley woman! I'm picky about chick-flicks. No just any will do. This one was amazing for me. And you want to know the truly "special" part? Watching that movie restored my deep desire to marry my best friend. It restored my hope too. Just in that... I lost some essence of myself, my innocence the past year or two and silly as it sounds I felt restored hope after watching that movie. I'm feeling braver to be.. at little more narrow minded. I always figured it was beyond asking God to let my husband love horses. I always figured the most I could hope for is someone who would tolerate horses and let me own them. But I'm gonna be brave. I'm gonna wait for a guy who likes horses and living in the country and who likes dancing or is at least willing to learn. You have no idea how narrow minded I feel at the moment. It's half scary, half deliciously happy..lol.. I'm a strange girl, no?...lol...
Until the leaves are off the trees, you're going have to tolerate my infatuation with the season. If I could somehow fashion my soul after fall and it's splendor, I would do so. What I would give to be perpetually arrayed in reds, oranges, and yellows... those rich vibrant earthy tones the land wears every autumn. To live as a fresh, cool breeze in light of the warming Son. If I could be the embodiment of autumn and bring to others the this, mad, joyful expecting I feel in my inmost....I should be a very happy woman indeed. Can't you just feel the whole earth shouting with all consuming joy to its Creator?! Fall was made for me. You can enjoy it too ;-).. and if I didn't exsist, God would have still made it for you to enjoy. But this is when I bask most in God's glory and wish it to take over and wholly own me.
You want to know something amazing? I've been happy. No, not just "happy". Like... Fridays at work are my comp lab days. They are typically very quiet and I love it. Print for a few people. Smile. Show them how to save a document or maybe do a few things in Word. I get to play on the computer, journal, read The Word, and just get sometime to myself for about 4 hours. That's a normal Friday. THIS Friday was not normal. I pulled into my parking spot 10minutes late to open the lab (my fault.. I accept that ;-)..) and hit the ground running to get the computers going. I printed like a mad woman for the first few minutes and then things settled down after my first hour. Within the next half hour, I had settled in enough to call my boss and ask about timesheets and she, hearing how quiet my lovely lab was, decided to send me a chem student that the over flowing math lab wasn't able to help. As far as getting anything I'd wanted to done online... I could kiss it goodbye. I was either working on chemistry or printing the rest of my day. In fact, I ended up working a half hour past closing because I couldn't work on chem and get people to leave. So I did finally make it up to math lab to work on my time sheet but I ended up being about 2 hours late leaving work. And I still had grocery shopping to do for mom. Which I did. Oh, and I don't get a lunch break..so.. I'd made it to the grocery store at 4:30pm-ish on nothing but breakfast. And you want to know what? I was still in a decent mood. I was still laughing my head off joking with my co-workers. What normally would have made me rather grumpy (I really enjoy time to myself infront of hi-speed internet and pandora radio in the background), only annoyed me momentarily. I hope I don't sound like I'm bragging. I'm shocked and (sheepish isn't the right word) shyly pleased with myself. But it couldn't have been me. I've gotten grumpy before for just having to tutor people who really aren't that bad... just happen to annoy me in little ways. It's a God thing. And I hope it stays around. :-) :-)
All of Your promises won'l let go of me
I surrendered my life to Your ways
I have learned what it means to obey
Jesus, my heart has been changed by You
I am walking the path you have made
I am seeking the truth everyday
Jesus, my heart has been changed by You
I couldn't walk away if I tried
Cause Your love is better than life
Now the sun's shining bright and it just won't set
Cause Your love is alive and it lights my step
My heart is amazed everyday to the next
Your joy overtakes and I can't forget about it
Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh
I can't forget about it
~ Promises - Desperation
Friday, October 03, 2008
My Vagabond Song
The weather has been glorious lately, and I experienced the lovely rarity of driving through a thick, frosty fog this morning with patches of light frost scattered throughout the valley. This weather makes me very happy.
I find myself in an interesting place as Atonement approaches (Oct. 9th). I’ve been having moments of clarity. For brief flashes, I think above life’s daily fog. I can see opportunity. Dreams crystallize into feasible reality. I catch my breath, and reach out to touch it… and for moment in time my heart’s desires are real. I can “feel” them. And then they fade back to dreams, as I gently come back down into the fog. I’m learning to not let the fog trouble me as much as it has in the past. I just find myself yearning for the wisdom to recognize the opportunities I saw in bright day when I see them in the fog. Because if I can still recognized them enshrouded, the opportunities can still be had.
With the weather, the lovely dancing tune in my heart has returned. ‘Course it prolly has something to do with family worship time in the evenings too. But cool, sunny autumn days have always been intoxicating to me …lol. You remember that part of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe when Aslan is resurrected and has just told the girls he feels he’s about to roar? Yeah.. that’s me once I’m awake. This is always an invigorating time of year for me.. but I think I’ll quit rambling on about that ;).
I’ve been wanderingly looking at schools again. (Trans: that means I’m only half seriously looking). Western Carolina has a fairly simple (in terms of # of classes) dance minor. That could be very lovely in keeping me sane in the midst of a chem major.. and surely it would count for much in terms of “fine arts”? Yes, by the way, chem is the major I’m looking at. I can’t bring myself to do just the education. People seem to fail to realize that patience and ability to explain things in multiple ways are the fundamental requirements to being an educator. Passing annoying classes about teaching methods..*sigh* but I suppose I shouldn’t judge the classes. It’s prolly just my severe distaste for papers and not the actual class content that repels me .
I’m aching for room to dance and worship. I wish I could shut down the gym at school and have it to myself. *wry smile*
Have I mentioned the weather is glorious? *wanders off in her own little dance…*
I find myself in an interesting place as Atonement approaches (Oct. 9th). I’ve been having moments of clarity. For brief flashes, I think above life’s daily fog. I can see opportunity. Dreams crystallize into feasible reality. I catch my breath, and reach out to touch it… and for moment in time my heart’s desires are real. I can “feel” them. And then they fade back to dreams, as I gently come back down into the fog. I’m learning to not let the fog trouble me as much as it has in the past. I just find myself yearning for the wisdom to recognize the opportunities I saw in bright day when I see them in the fog. Because if I can still recognized them enshrouded, the opportunities can still be had.
With the weather, the lovely dancing tune in my heart has returned. ‘Course it prolly has something to do with family worship time in the evenings too. But cool, sunny autumn days have always been intoxicating to me …lol. You remember that part of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe when Aslan is resurrected and has just told the girls he feels he’s about to roar? Yeah.. that’s me once I’m awake. This is always an invigorating time of year for me.. but I think I’ll quit rambling on about that ;).
I’ve been wanderingly looking at schools again. (Trans: that means I’m only half seriously looking). Western Carolina has a fairly simple (in terms of # of classes) dance minor. That could be very lovely in keeping me sane in the midst of a chem major.. and surely it would count for much in terms of “fine arts”? Yes, by the way, chem is the major I’m looking at. I can’t bring myself to do just the education. People seem to fail to realize that patience and ability to explain things in multiple ways are the fundamental requirements to being an educator. Passing annoying classes about teaching methods..*sigh* but I suppose I shouldn’t judge the classes. It’s prolly just my severe distaste for papers and not the actual class content that repels me .
I’m aching for room to dance and worship. I wish I could shut down the gym at school and have it to myself. *wry smile*
Have I mentioned the weather is glorious? *wanders off in her own little dance…*
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