And here I am at another graduation and I still don't "know" what I'm doing. Oh, yes, I'm working in Math Lab this summer getting a nice $13 an hour, I'll take calc 2 in the fall w/ Val, I'm going to ride my horse again (and show)... but I feel like there should be a "turning point" a new frontier that's actually different. I'm sitting at the edge of life wondering if I'm just blundering my way through it, or when it will begin, or if it already has and "life" really isn't all that interesting and you spend the most of it waiting for something good to happen. Not that good things don't happen. I'm so grateful for the friends God has allowed in my life the past year. I've had my Rebecca, (I love you dearest!) but how wonderous it's been to have my girlfriends at school. Thank You, Daddy for coming through for me and allowing such wonderful people in my life. They are such a constant encouragement and keep me from viewing my fellow man through cynical eyes.
...my toes look wierd..what? you're laughing? Don't; it's true! :D They're naked. Hush now! Quit your laughing.. you'll hurt their feelings.. They don't have any nail polish on and I can't remember the last time I saw them w/o. ....lol... ah me...*sigh* I do fear I'm getting pathetic...
I quoted "Jabberwocky" with antimated voice for Brian, Laurel, Court & Court, and Shelly Tues. night. It was after growth group and I was telling Shelly she should tell it to the 3 year olds she teaches and she'd never heard of it and well... she's crazy so I just went at it full blast and I think every one loved it. I've always wanted to do that. *sheepish smile* I'm quite satisfied for a bit ;).
Hannah-deeah made me a "Meganopolis" CD. It's good... I love it. Some of the songs do remind me of Arthur... but I'm trying to erase the memory of him. At least those memories that make me sad. So oft' they seem like the majority. I guess because it makes me sad to remember the guy he use to be... and know that he isn't that person anymore. It's almost like loosing someone or rebirth in the wrong direction. Instead of being made alive in Christ, the Arthur I loved has been made dead in sin and is ignorning God's direction in his life while thinking all along that he's doing everything God wants... I mean God blesses Arthur's plans for Arthur's life, right? *frustrated sigh* And my heart is so deeply wearied at trying to confront him...
But I was wanting to tell how wonderful my Hannah is! :D:D:D... She is such a darling cute red-head. I wish I had her boldness. *amused smile* I think if you put us together and let us be each other's mouth piece at the right moments we might revoltionize.... well... at least Asheville or perhaps the guys who know us. We definately look out for each other and fight for/protect each other. How grateful I am for that. *thoughful smile*...lol...I shouldn't underestimate our potential. :) At any rate, I love that girl. I think we've really needed eachother this semester whether we've realized it or not.
And my dear Courtney. She's definately been my coffee-house friend. She's one of the few people I know who loves to just sip coffee and browse for hours in Barnes & Noble (you, dear Rebecca, would prefer tea, no? ;)... aye you're the other book browser *hug*). And you know what I love the most about Court? I know that I'm always free from judgement around her. She never judges anyone and I don't say that because my other friends are judgemental.. they're not... but it seems to exist in all of us (myself included) except Courtney. Some people, I think, take it as ditzyness on her part... but it's not. It pretty cool.
*happy sigh*...Dominique makes me laugh. Rebecca too. And both of them at the most insane things. And yet they are my refinement and remind me to be girlie. I am blessed. I shan't go into "my boys", except I love 'em, and I hope I'm a good friend/big sister to them. Hannah's kinda helped me with that... at least helping learning how to show them I love them in thier own backwards way :).
And I am sleepy and ready to go to bed. Dominique's birthday bash today was a success and the Marin's are awesome chicken marinade-ers. I think I'll post some recent pics (not necessarily from the party) and retire.
Love to you all and especially to my Heavenly Daddy.. I love You.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Monday, May 02, 2005
say you'll need me every waking moment...
What I wouldn't do right now to be in somebody's arms. To lean back against his strong chest and have his warm arms holding me gently. *sigh* That is yet to be for me isn't it? I .... yes.. it's my own fault I'm disatisfied. I haven't done my Bible study/spent time with God in too long. But is it wholly unfair of me to want it? I have to remember sometimes to not get jealous of Hann*h (as the V*shes so often accuse me of being) having a guy adoring her. I don't want him... I just want someone loving me like that... brushing my hair from my face... except I want the guy that's going to be forever. Jonath*n will probably go away. Or Hannah will leave him and go to Texas (she's decided on Baylor now and has sent in acceptance letters... that reminds me.. I still need to talk to/write Va. Tech about delaying my entrance 'til at least spring '06). And anywho... I don't want anymore heartache if it can be helped. I just want one guy who isn't younger or arrogant or stupid (I don't mean that to be harsh but it's true). One is all I want. No more or less. I've never wanted a ton of guys after me. I went to church at Courtn*y's church (Gateway) this past Sunday. Gr*h*m Bry*nt has some reeeeeally good looking older brothers. One of them was leading praise and worship because Mr. Br*ant couldn't. I wonder if they're attached *innocent smile*... but seriously? I just want someone to love and cuddle me on a quiet evening. I don't want alot of pomp and bravado and attention from others.... just the quiet confidence of knowing someone out there... some guy loves me and will protect me and be my best friend... and I want to be his best friend. I know that I'm suppose to go to Jesus for my satisfaction and fulfillment in life first, but today is just one of those days that I feel I shall never measure up. I just want to bury my head in his chest and let him hide me from the world. I don't like feeling this desperate. Oh Daddy, please come and fill my heart. Be my lover and satisfy my heart. Come fight for me. I cannot fight for myself. I just want to be loved and encouraged and told I am indeed lovely not just because my soul is lovely or just because someone thinks my looks are lovely but because I am. Yes I know my parents say that.. and so do my girlfriends.. but they're biased. I want to know it's true and not have to fear it because I know that I know that I'm being protected. I love you, Lord. Please come through for me. I need you so. Enchant me in a dance so that I'm so enthralled with you I don't notice anything else around. And show me how to encourage others to join in and find You in that dance. Hold me. Lift me up and hold me near. Warm my heart and calm my fears. Fill me with Your love so I'll know this ache no longer. I only want to be beautiful if You'll guarantee my safety. I don't trust men much. You know that. Daddy, you seem so intangible sometimes. I want so much someone tangible I can trust. I want someone who'll dance with me. Someone I can relax and give myself to in a waltz and be caught up in the dance, the music, my skirt swishing, and his firm and ressuring presence so that we both can, for just a little while, be caught up in something unexpressibly beautiful..... And sometimes.. right now.. all I ask is to be kept from falling into greater weakness than I've already fallen into. Love me and let me know and be assured of the depths of it... that's all I ask of You.
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