Count Down to the End of School

Exhaustion. End of semester frustration. Trying to not catch a cold. General Frustration with Life, the Universe, and Everything. And perhaps in all of it am I finally truly seeing what matters here? Am I finally recognizing that there really isn't any happiness outside of God and I haven't really taken the time to talk to Him all week or more and that's really what's eating my soul the most? I don't know. Well, I do know spending time with God needs to be of greater importance in my life. How silly of me to think otherwise...(soft laught to self) and retarded for that matter. Don't talk to the Giver of Life all week and expect to be cheery. Right. Okie doke.. well all I'm doing here is complaining so I'll shove off but I thought I'd at least try to type up a bit while I'm here at work. I do love ya'll my peoples!!!!

A Meager Attempt at Catching Up

Yes, I know.. I am a very very bad blogger. I've not updated since August. However I do indeed still exist. And this is the first time at work that, strangely, I've found myself in a mood to blog. It's not a case of me not wanting my friends to keep up with me... it's me finding my self in an emotional extreme whenever I would sit down and have time to type and I'm not sure that's a healthy view for people that I don't talk to frequently enough to have of my emotional/mental state. So finally I find myself in an non-extreme mood WITH time to blog. (That's the other thing... when I'm feeling rather normal I usually don't have time to blog %).)Anyway....

Graham dear and I are still dating. :) He was such a sweetie this week. I left my Bible in his car on Monday, so Tuesday he planned to meet me somewhere on his way to church and he greeted me with Starbucks coffee (my favorite, a hazelnut latte) and Starbucks ornaments that he said I absolutely had to have that couldn't wait 'til Christmas. He's been a sweetie. We've had our rough moments... sometimes between us and somes with our parents but nothing worth ending the relationship so far (and hopefully not ever ;o)).

Thanksgiving was good. Graham and I celebrated with our respective families and he left Thanksgiving evening to go hunting at his grandpa's place with his brother and some friends. While they saw alot of does, it's buck season and he was the only one that saw a buck and shot it. Yup... he got a 5 point buck. We're pretty proud of him. Mom made the comment that "Well, we know the boy can provide now!". :)...

I feel like I'm writing some sort of documentary now. It's strange....

Monday was his birthday and I got up super early to get to school before I had to be a work so I could write "Happy Birthday" on his car w/window chalk. I succeeded in writing on his windows but the boog didn't go to his 8am class so I got caught in the act. He liked it though and was excited so that's good. Doing that was alot of fun. It's strange how much it pleases me to make him feel special. But it does. :)

Ah, well, I guess there have been some major academic decisions lately. I'm not happy in school and it's not where God wants me anymore. So after this semester I'm indefinitly out of school (as far as being a student) until God says otherwise. The plan is to seriously get back into horses (there's fear in my heart at saying that b/c I know I've said it so many times and it hasn't happened and I'm scared it still won't happyen but... I have to at least try don't I?), and pick up another part time job. I've applied at a place in the mall and I'm gonna apply at one other place downtown so we'll see what goes. But working and saving up for a horse trailer and another horse (perferrably lesson pony) is the plan for now. In the mean time I'm getting through Physics. Which, after an interesting conversation with a co-worker, I think I've come to believe that I've found something academically that I'm just not good at. As stuck up as this could sound, I've just never really had that happen before. So I may be getting a B in this class (I know, I know, and you all laugh that getting a B is what happens when I'm not good at something %)..)

That's kind of the summary of my life right now. Things seem to be a bit of a roller coaster ride at times. But aren't they always no matter what our state or condition? It's just a matter of learning to enjoy the different parts of the ride. So things are getting a bit busy down here so I'll sign out. I love ya'll!!

Stuff I've Been Reading Lately

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

"Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again. For however important chastity (or courage, or truthfulness, or any other virtue) may be, this process trains us in habits of the soul which are more important still. It cures our
illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God." ~C.S. Lewis from Mere Christianity

"Oh love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee;
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be."
~George Matheson from Passion & Purity

Sine Waves

I got to meet with Hannah today and wow... I didn't realize how much I needed it. I think it was some of the best spiritually deep conversation I've had in a while. Not so much in that I haven't had a deep conversation with anyone else in awhile but.... we're on the exact same roller coaster. Our minds tend to work the same academically. The only difference is I am ready for a relationship and she's not quite there yet... but she has someone who I think will stick around. I hope he doesn't get distracted from her but anywho... that's not for me to worry about. lol.. in fact she and I both need to listen to her older sister. Worry is a sin!!!! Now to ENJOY the ride. To trust God that no matter where my relationships go He has called me to love and if that love leads to hurt then He is God enough to love me through it. Yeah, I already knew that... but, it's finally becoming living to me? Of course, just watch me. I'm not sure how long this place of "okayness" will last. We talked of how we've suddenly found ourselves in these intense struggles and it's not so much what we struggle with just that we find ourselves more fragile and craving security, joy, and peace and not always knowing how to receive it from God, but knowing that He must continue to be our source. And I suppose that's all I really know right now. *half smile* I suppose I should be heading myself for bed. I may post more on this train of thought as I process this evening more. I love ya'll! G'night

Ramblings

Hm.. as usual it's been awhile since I've posted. It's prolly because life still tends to be its usual rollercoaster and I'm spending my time learning to enjoy the twists & turns and ups & downs instead of stressing over them. *wry smile* And I'm not accomplishing that as often as I'd like either. Ah well...

There's only 8 days left 'til fall term starts. I think I've been deeply frustrated lately that I don't really know, or perhaps don't like, where my life is headed. I took Dr. Krumpe's advice and looked at job listings online and I don't find any of them exciting. So on a whim I went back and looked at St. Andrew's college and I like the looks of their Therapeutic Horsmanship minor. I'm aching for horseyness in my life again. It would seem strange that I would have this struggle considering I own a horse, but.... something always finds it way in to keep me from it. For my time off from work, it's been the heat. Mom seems to think I've been putting my social life first (not calling that a sin though, just an observation). Funny I should feel the disclamer necessary though. Is my heart telling me I'm sacrificing something I shouldn't? I don't know anymore. At any rate it seems all my academic endeavors beyond AB are hanging upon money. I refuse to go in debit. I don't care to owe most of my income to anyone when I first break free of college. I'd like to be able to start saving right away for land and/or a house. I sound so domestic don't I? %)... I guess I've been pondering what I want out of life and how to get there and if any of it is really possible. I kinda feel like Reb Tevye, in my own way. And then I went to boundless.org and read this article. :).. and mom's pestering me to get offline since my darling boyfriend isn't here for me to talk to. I'm thinking about calling him and telling him to get online. I need to call him about Friday night. And Wednesday next week. Why oh why can't life be perfect? *sly grin*
*sigh* *humming "If I Were a Rich Man" to myself* I'm not really in as bad a mood as I may seem to be. Oh! I get pictures back from whitewater rafting tomorrow! Happy thought! :) I'm not in as bad as a mood as I may seem. Just a rather contemplative one... internal struggles tend to do that for me. BAH! I'm gonna quit being a wet blanket and get outta here. Much love to you my peoples! May God continue to bless you and fill you with His love.

A Bit of Randomness at Work

hmm.... I'm in a pretty good mood, me thinks. I'm excited about Ballroom Dancing this fall. I dont' know if I'll get to take it but I reeeeally reeeeally hope Graham will take it with me. (You have to register with a partner.) The Continuing Education Division at AB Tech ROCKS!!!!!!! Check out the "Practical Skills" and "Special Interests" links on the left. Aren't they awesome?!? And they have beginning guitar classes too! Only prob for me is it's at the same time as ballroom so.. I'd rather dance ;). But wow... I've just fallen in love with continuing education. I'm doomed to be a student forever... on the academic note....

I've recently talked to Dr. Krumpe (the chair of chemistry @ UNC-A) and wow did I ever find favor w/him. He wants to set up a time with me in Aug. to work out a schedule for my bachelor's and he's going to let me audit Organics 1 just for the heck of it. He's very willing to work with me and he's very oriented to helping his students succeed. And he's one of the main organics teachers there anywho so the fact that we seem to get along is great. He'll likely end up being my professor. Good stuff, my peeps.. good stuff... I'm actually excited about starting classes there in the spring. As for this fall I'm gonna be taking Gen. Physics 1 (1st half of calc based physics) with Hooper. We'll see where that goes. I'm not fond of the man at all but he's the only professor teaching the only section of the class I need to transfer so, *shrug*.

The very thought of you and I forget to do
The little ordinary things that everyone ought to do
I'm living in a kind of daydream
I'm happy as a king
And foolish though it may seem
To me that's everything

The mere idea of you, the longing here for you
You'll never know how slow the moments go 'till I'm near to you
I see your face in every flower
Your eyes in stars above
It's just the thought of you
The very thought of you, my love

I'm at work and one of my co-workers has a novel titled The Very Thought of You and that reminded me of that song. I really like that song. :) I'm glad to be happy. :) :)

Okay... I can't think of anything else to say right now. I'm gonna go email Becca some stuff about Living Waters and then who knows what I'll do. Later and love ya'll!

P.S. Hey check out this link Lord of the Rings Parodies. They haven't actually recorded any of the songs but some of the American Pie rewrites are fun and check out this Under the Sea rewrite... and it's just a good bored day thing to do.

Things Floating About In My Head and Journal

Rain, Lord, we thrist for water
Rain, we are desert land
Rain, on Your sons and daughters
Rain, bring Your rain again
~Days of Fire

You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song
You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song
You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song
And I will sing again
~Third Day

Rain, Lord, we thirst for water
Rain, we are desert land
Rain, on Your sons and daughters
Rain, bring Your rain again

"For the king trusts in the Lord,
through the unfailing love of the Most High
he will not be shaken." Ps. 21:7

"May the Lord answer you when you are in distress,

may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.

May he send you help from the sanctuary

and grant you support from Zion.

May he remember all you sacrifices

and accept your burnt offerings.

May he give you the desire of your heart

and make all your plans succeed...

Now I know the Lord saves his anointed;

He answers him from his holy heaven

with the saving power of his right hand.

Some trust in chariots, some in horses,

but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."

Ps.20:1-4,6&7

"God is our refuge and strength,
and ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea..."
Ps.46:1-3

"The Lord is faithful to all his promises

and loving toward all he has made.

The Lord upholds all those who fall

and lifts up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look to You,

and You give them their food at the proper time.

You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing."

Ps.145:13b-16(emphasis added)

"He brought me out into a spacious place;

he rescued me because he delighted in me."

Ps. 18:19

Kiss An Angel Good Mornin'

You've got to kiss an angel good morning
And let her know you think about her when you're gone
Kiss an angel good morning
And love her like the devil when you get back home

How is it I seem happiest when I'm being a little "naughty"? (Graham would call the last line of that chorus naughty in our present state.) I'm in a very good mood right now. Why? I'm not sure. I still have a thousand little things that bug me sometimes, or not bug but worry. And here I sit analyzing my own happiness. BAH!! I'm happy and shall be. Becca likes "my man". He "loves and adores" me. And anyway...."Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira is way more naughty. Sure it's about dancing but it's quite sensual. Gosh.. I'm acutally posting this.. my mother would be horrified. And now I have "Hips Don't Lie" in my head. I love the tune of the song and it really does make me want to dance but... bah whatever... I'm choosing to stay in a state of ignorant bliss today. Much love, my peoples!

"Whap! Thump! KerWack!"

That, my dears, is what life feels like it's doing to my head.....all of me actually.. but knowing what a worry wart I can be, it's quite easy to conclude why my head seems to be getting the beating. Is life really that bad? No, just more stressful than I prefer and I'm seriously thinking about being 5 years old again. I know, I know... then I wouldn't know any of you. And I love you all dearly. But ignorant bliss is enticing. The silliest thing that I've rather beat myself for because it was really letting Satan get to me... Graham went to a concert w/guyfriends last night. He called me several times from the concert but never left a message (and I missed the calls). And when he didn't call 'til noon-ish today I was worried that perhaps something happened. How stupid is that? He really had no reason to call me at all. There's no requirement that he should have and no reason for him to think that I would be concerned... will someone make my brain stop working like this????!!!! ARG! That I can live with though and just think "Bah, I was being silly." and determine not to think that way again. In other frustrations...I'm now responsible for paying for my own gas. No biggie.. and a reasonable request from my parents... however I live in the middle of nowhere and have already spent a bit over $900 of my parent's money on gas this year. I've been fore-warned it's rediculous to spend that much on gas particularly on my income and I don't blame my 'rents for not wanting to keep it up, but the lectures on "curtailing" one's social life are annoying. Thankfully I have a lovely boyfriend who will come and pick me up if I ask. But someday it will come to "He shouldn't be wasting so much money on gas. He needs to save." So we'll talk on the phone. "You spend entirely too much time on the phone." Well at least I'm already paying for my part of the cell phone bill and Verizon to Verizon is free!!!! Again, I'm likely over thinking and stressing. *sigh*... Having a social life to the extent that I do isn't wrong. I can't help that I live as far away as I do. I'd love to move closer to Asheville but I don't have the financial means yet.. that's why I got talked into going back to school. There really shouldn't be such a thing as too much time with my boyfriend so long as I'm not neglecting personal time with God and not letting my other relationships deteriorate completely. We're looking at spending the rest of our lives together.. we find some amount of time "too much" right now then perhaps we should seriously question marraige. We haven't reached that point. *sigh* But am I letting my relationship with my parents deteriorate or is it just a natural growing away? Mom thinks she's done a great job letting me go.. which so far she has but I can see her not happy if I moved out if I didn't see her everyday. I dunno....ARG! It just feels like a lot of different transition/changing seasons of my life are happening at once... particularly my relationships and finances. I know that I know I don't know everything. I have a lot of growing to do. But everything seems like it's in a thick spider's web that I keep struggling against and I just keep tearing things little bit by little bit that I don't want to. I do need full days at home to think and spend time with God. I do know that much. And I need to stay concious of taking on as much extra responsiblities around the house as I can. And doing stuff with mom. I feel stretched. Spending time with Court, Graham, and Mom... and I'd love to spend more time with Dad. Mom seems to be of the opinion if you feel stretched, drop something. But that option makes me want to sit down and cry. I love my parents and my friends. *sigh* This is just a tough growing spot I guess. It will be okay. :o). At least the talks mom and I have had so far have gone well. She's trying to work with me and I'm doing my best to show I'm will to work with her. I know that these relationships are a God thing so this is just Satan coming against me and my family and the Good that God has planned for me.

"Judith"

O her eyes are amber fine -
Dark and deep as wells of wine,
While her smile is like the noon
Splendor of a day of June.
If she sorrow - lo! her face
It is like a flowery space
In bright meadows, overlaid
With light clouds and lulled with shade.
If she laugh - it is the trill
Of the wayward whippoorwill
Over up land pastures, heard
Echoed by the mocking bird
In dim thickets dense with bloom
and blurred cloyings of perfume.
If she sigh - a zephyr swells
Over odorous asphodels
And wan lilies in lush plots
Of moon-drown'd forget-me-nots.
Then, the soft touch of her hand -
Takes all breath to understand
What to liken it thereto! -
Never rose-leaf rinsed with dew
Might slip soother-suave than slips
Her slow palm, the while her lips
Swoon through mine, with kiss on kiss
Sweet as heated honey is.
~by James Whitcombe Riley

the names not quite right for me but *shrug*... a girl's gotta dream right? :)... g'night

Okay...so I've had enough with blogthings...

I'm super tired and I'd love to go to bed. I also feel like talking in short choppy sentences. The first day of VBS (yesterday) went really well and so did today I think. I'm freezing cold (this building is kept rediculously (sp?) cold). I have one hour left in here. Mom's sick for the 4th day in a row with a fever over 100F. She doesn't want me to go to growth group tonight. I called dad and told him her fever's back up and he said to call him after I get off work to see if I really need to come home. I hope mom's not too upset with me if he says I don't need to come home. I'm really really bored and I don't like the questions floating around in my head. Or rather... I don't like the uncertainty or worry in my head/heart. I just don't want to make a wrong decision, ya know? I hope Graham and I really are become good friends as friends and not just because we enjoy each other's attention. I don't like the feeling of having neglected my girlfriends. But Court's been busy. Kat's been out of town. Hannah-Deeah is in Ireland. I see Brooke twice a week, and I don't have messenger at work to talk to Becca. ARRGGG!!!!! only 5 minutes after 5!!!!!!!! I have 55 minutes to go!!!!....Day-o ho daaaaay oh!/ A-daylight comin' an' I wanna go home!... I'm at work btw... if you hadn't guessed and haven't stopped reading after boredem.. .and someone needs help.. gotta go

And yet my third blogthing posted here

I like all but the last line of this one... can u tell I'm bored at work?

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will only have one true love. You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't? You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky. In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm. Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

Another Blogthings Quiz

I found this quiz intersting :).

You Are Likely an Only Child

At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated. At work and school, you do best when you're organizing. When you love someone, you tend to worry about them. In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic. Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management. You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.

The Birth Order Predictor

Dang... I'm just not good a keeping my blog updated...

Am I?...:)... well, would saying that Graham and I are officially dating as of June 11 make up for it at all? Maybe? Just a little bit? :) And we've had our first "arguement". Not really an arguement though, I've been stressed out the past couple of days about making our accountability list and mom getting up set about Graham teasing me about kissing and then yesterday Graham was just aggrivating me for the heck of it and it was bad enough that I was still very irritated this morning and didn't really want him to come over tomorrow like planned. So I called him and we talked about it and he apologized profusely. And we're good again. It sounds somewhat silly now but he was seriously getting on my nerves. I haven't been that irritated in a very very long time. But anyway, it's better and I want to get over it and not think about it anymore if I can help it.

Hannah! Sheesh! I'm sorry! I have a draft email started to you and I haven't had time to finish it!! I still love you bunches girly!!! And Rebecca dear, I love you too! Sorry I haven't had time to talk. I hope the summer job situation is working out for ya. My I've negelcted my computer peeps. I'm sorry ya'll.

Today was a strange day kinda. My first day with the house to myself and no dog. She'd always follow me around and when I'm by myself she's great to talk to. *sigh* ah well...

We're reading Atonement by Derek Prince at my grouth group at church. It's incredible. I need to send out a mass email about what chapters we didn't cover last group though. ai ai ai....I'm also re-reading Passion & Purity. I absolutely love that book still. Elisabeth Elliot is such an amazing, awesome lady. I don't say that lightly either. Passion & Purity is a must read for anyone. It's so good.

I went to Living Waters last weekend for a ministry training retreat. It was quite needful and good. I'm glad I went for preparation for VBS at Gateway. *sigh* VBS @ Gateway.... I feel so behind, other than spiritually. Working part time isn't helpful with VBS... even if it is just Math Lab. Ah well.

Ah me ah me... I really need to get to bed. I've got presents I need to wrap for Father's Day, which will get added to the things that need to be done tomorrow before Graham comes over.

OH! one last thing!!! There's another summer dance planned at All Saints in Biltmore Village!!! I'm really really excited about going. Once I know whether or not Kathryn and Brooke are going I'll decide if I am... at least I hope I am. I definitely hope Graham wants to go and there's a part of me that wants to go without him if he doesn't want to go. I'm not sure if I will though. I guess it depends on if it's okay with him if I go w/o out him because I will dance with other guys. I dunno... theres also a part of me that totally rebels at that idea of it having to be okay with him. But I guess that's not me being a very good girlfriend? I dunno.. we'll see how this goes. I really really really want to go though. Okay.. I'm going to bed now... I love ya'll!!!!

Eh.. too long..too long

Wow.. ever so much has happened since I posted last. Graham and I have become way more serious in that we've finally admitted that we're not "just friends" though we're not offically dating. (Offically dating will be him asking my parents' permission which originally wasn't required by my parents but since I've talked to them they're expecting to be asked. They are also quite enthusiastic and will give him permission.) Um... yeah so I have a will-be-boyfriend...lol... He says I should just call him my boyfriend b/c we basically are dating - we act like a dating couple and talk about things as if we were dating. *sigh* I'm going to see him at his work tonight. It's his last night at the Market before he starts working with Brian for the summer. Sometimes the relationship scares me and sometimes I scare myself in it. Sometimes we seem to be moving to fast and other times everything seems normal. And he doesn't seem 18 to me. I'm really not comprehending the fact that he's graduating from highschool this May. Wow. I'm a bit nervous about tonight. But ah well.

My beloved doggie died unexpectedly on Thursday. I took her to the vet on Tuesday to get regular shots and have her examined b/c she had a bit of a dry cough. The vet and I talked about it and he said it may be a 50/50 chance it was either her heart (she had a murmur) or an upper respitory. She was so chipper I decided to wait on x-rays and go home with antiboitics and prednizone (sp?) and just bring her in if things got worse. Wednesday morning Courtney and I left for our long planned vacation to Charleston and Sandy hadn't changed much but she still seemed very happy and in good spirits running around outside. By that evening, Mom said she seem to be just a bit down and if she wasn't better by morning she'd be taking Sandy back to the vet. Thursday morning mom said Sandy looked like she'd been standing all night and her lungs seem so congested that if she laid down she might not be able to breathe. So Dad let her outside to go potty while he and mom got ready to take her back to the vet. Dad left the van door open when he let her out and when he went to call her back in she was sitting in the driver's seat with her usual "You're not leaving w/o me right? I saw my leash earlier." And seemed really excited to go for a car ride. Mom sat with her in the back seat and all she can guess is Sandy had a heart attack on the way died before she reached the vet. Mom called me while Court and I were out on Folly Beach to tell me. None of us expected it. She didn't seem the least bit truly ill. Even the vet was a little freaked when he found out. *sigh*.. It's been hard on all of us. I think mom especially since that's the first time she's ever had a pet die in her arms. I stayed on vacation in Charleston and came home on Saturday like planned. It was hard coming home on Saturday. There was no happy doggie face to greet me. I still look for her. And I guess I will for awhile.

Graham's been such a sweetheart about the whole thing. Mom knew he'd be calling me while I was out of town so she called him to let him know Sandy had died (he's gotten to meet her twice.. my dog that is...)and he called me almost immeadiately after mom talked to him to make sure I was doing okay was going to be alright and I burst into tears and well... he's just been wonderful and understanding. Mom rather adores him. :) So do I. *sheepish smile*

Well, I've been posting all of this at work so obviously work this summer at AB-Tech has been incredibly slow. And I'm not going to Va. Tech in the fall. Financial aid didn't come through. So I shall consider it a God-closing-a-door thing.

Graham has said that unless God says otherwise he really doesn't see any reason for us to not get married. And honestly our families get along very well and we get along very well with each other's family. Mom and Dad have started coming to Gateway with me. Did I ever mention that they came to Easter lunch at the Bry*nt's house with me? Yeah...it went rather well. Mom's encouraging Graham and I to spent a good bit of time together. His parents would prefer we be "offically" dating before we do that so... that's what the slight kink in things is.

Well, I have 10 mintues left before I leave to see Graham and eat supper so I guess I'd better get goin'. Sorry to leave you hanging.. I feel like I've just blurst (yes I do indeed mean blurst.. and it's a word cuz I said so) much upon you and I'm not sure what to think of it all myself. I miss my dog. Graham's gonna be such an awesome daddy and husband, but should he be my husband? (it's not like we don't have plenty of time to decide)*sigh* What on earth am I doing with my life? I don't want more school but it seems like I must. I really want to go on vacation with Graham someday. We'd have fun together. AHHHHHH too many thoughts!!!! too many thoughts!!!!

Wierd?

lol... I found this waaaay to entertaining to not post here.. these stupid quizes are so addictive...

You Are 40% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird...But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Songs Playing in My Head

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

High King of heaven my victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son!
Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

I put loneliness, your lips and the two coins of your eyes into my pocket.. yeah yeah

Lift me up and hold me near
Warm my heart and calm my fears
See I don't wanna lose this love I found
So burn my bridges burn them down..

And all I have to give Him... is adoration..

He raises a wrinkled hand through the dust and the flies
Wrapped in rags like we are and with barely opened eyes
He takes my finger and he won't let go and he won't let go
It's nothing like I knew before and it's all I need to know

Come let us adore Him
He has come down to the world we live in
And all I have to give Him.. is adoration.

For the beauty of the earth
For the Glory of the skies
For the love which from our birth
Over and around us lies

Lord of all to Thee we raise
This our hymn of grateful praise

I have so many mixed emotions right now. But everything's gonna be alright. I really like him alot though. As if you hadn't already noticed %). The baring of my heart that I mentioned was letting him have my blog address..but he's promised to erase is browser history and he'll hold true. If nothing else I am so grateful that he wants to talk about everything. He very much doesn't want there to be missunderstandings. And that is lovely. Now I just have to get "unaddicted" to wanting to talk to him all the time *embarrassed face*. I'm going through withdrawl from not talking to him all day yesterday %). Yeah, I have issues. But it's all gonna be okay :).

Heavenly Father, I love You so much. Please continue to guide me and give us.. all of us.. wisdom for our days.

Very Tired and Dazed

Well, I started today out really well, in constant song that lasted most all day. Oh update that I did talk to Dad about him and Daddy's only advice it that it takes awhile to get to know someone. I'm just wondering how well you can get to know someone when it seems you're always flirting. Not that I don't enjoy it.. in fact I'm not particulary certain I'd want it to stop anytime soon. But still the question remains. I'm about entirely over the age difference. And confession of confessions... I've bared my heart to him and I'm wondering at the sanity or lack thereof on my part. There's part of me that's blown away that he really cares to know that much about me. And another part of me that thinks I've really just lost it to let him hear my rather unedited thoughts. Only time will tell, but right now I just feel... scared. Because that's the closest I've let a guy in or the most any guy has wanted near my heart? And I don't really know if it's safe. Not that he'd intentionally hurt me.. but what if it hurts him? Or he doesn't like what he sees... that'd really be great if he realizes.. ugh.. not what I was after.. but then I wouldn't want him to lie and hang around and be unhappy. ARG! I wish life wasn't stressful!! Or as the previous post.. we were only allowed to like "the one" and be saved this torment of wondering and fear that exsists from being mishandled in the past. Oh for perfection, eh? *sigh* I'd better get me to bed before I think any more.... sometimes I'm not sure if thinking is good or not. I don't really know that much about him.. I guess I've got to stop being shy of asking questions. I've never been nosey but perhaps I'm not nosey enough. *shudder* One minute it seems what's too good to be true might just really be true. And the next I know I've thought I was convinced of things before and was so disasterously wrong and I distrust myself. He seems pretty convinced. I just wonder if he really knows the extent of the power he holds over my heart. I'm really tired.. it's late.. and I really should get to bed. G'night

Unsettled Thought

I'm spoiled. Not only did he spend his Friday evening with me, I got to enjoy the heated seats in his car, he wandered in B&N w/ me (even suggested it), gave me a neck massage *embarrassed face*, and told me how pretty he thinks I am (in not quite so blunt terms). He's quite the gentleman. And I fear my heart is too easily had. I'm suppose to just encourage the friendship.. but how am I suppose to keep from my heart being involved (and his heart more importantly) when every little way he pursues me just..."hits the spot"? Damn if he weren't younger! Why does he have to be exactly what I've asked God for? I know... Hannah's prolly flipping out at this point. Camille was thoroughly disgusted at even the hint of the idea. *shrug* am I blinded by attention? and heated seats? *wry smile*...*headshake* ah me... I fear I'm not in good shape to be blogging tonight. Too much confession of how I really feel. Feelings are deceptive. Don't trust them. Intuition yes.. but not just feelings. I have this sense of failure. Like I've really done it this time. I clued him in on how I feel and only emotional/relational disaster awaits. I'm sure it's my own morbidity. I just wish... that I wouldn't like anyone 'til the right one came along? And that that were true for everyone so none of us would screw up. He needs to get an education.. at least an associates from AB if nothing else. I don't think people realize what a darling he is. He hides behind the family sense of humor alot. :)... I have issues.. and questions... and perhaps answers I don't want to hear. I guess I'm not really looking for any here. I'm just getting this out and wishing it'd all go away.

I got mail from Va. Tech today. They still are accepting me into their Biochemistry program. Part of me seriously doesn't want to go. And some compulsive academic part of me is ready to run off and go. Using my mind still sounds like fun... but it seems like the horse stuff keeps dying off. I hate that happening. ya know what my daydream is? Living on my own land in a large log cabin or farmhouse with a garden out back and forested mountainside beyond that. Rolling pasture stretching out in front... barn off to the right perhaps. About a dozen horses out at pasture. A few mine.. a few I'm training. A broodmare of my own in foal out there too maybe. My small but flourising horse business. My boys coming tearing in the mud room from whatever games they'd been playing at in the woods... just in time to get cleaned up for supper. Setting the table, while my husband just comes through the door (coming home from work) gives me a hug and asks what smells so good.. I tell him it what's in the skillet... he says no it has to be me.... later on that evening the boys catching fireflies in the front lawn/pastures with the dogs...my hubby and I (and likely the cat) on the front porch watching them... and the stars coming out... and talking about how our day went.... and wondering together... and marveling at God's hand where ever we happen to see it. :)...
Do I ask too much of life? I don't know.. but that's really what I want. Funny.. I know I may have daughters but I always think of boys when I think of having kids. %) watch me get all girls.
:) wouldn't that be cool to waltz on the dewy summer evening grass with your husband? :D... I like that idea. Maybe I dream too much.. but no.. without a vision the people perish. *soft smile*... I don't know when or with who but I don't think God would deny me my heart's deepest desire. Perhaps that isn't the picture of happiness. But for some reason it's what I think I really want. I dunno... I think I'll just go to bed now and pray my daydreams come true. I love ya'll...later :)

Personality Quiz Result

You Are A Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this worldSo much so that you tend to live in your head most of the timeYou have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?


just interesting.. I don't know what the other souls are like but I just found this rather accurate. What do you think?

Snowed In

I've been snowed in today. Being stuck at home w/church canceled is one of those things that makes me wish I had siblings.. particularly a younger sister. For the most part I'm quite happy to be an only child but it'd be nice to have a younger sister to torment and play in the snow with. Did I really just confess to wanting to torment another human being? I guess I did *impish-yet-innocent smile* I took pictures most of which I posted at myphotoalbum.com. There's some under the "Nature" album and some under "Horses and Horseshows". It's been an overall slow but quiet day. I talked Brian earlier. He and I decided we need to become millionares and we came up with our own business idea to accomplish it. We'll start our business when we're 25. :) I've tried calling Court and Graham so far and niether have answered their phones so B and Art are the only ones I've talked to. I went and saw "End of the Spear" w/ Brian and Graham on friday. It was a really good movie. AH!! I remember!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D... the guy that plays Nate Saint in the movie looked so stinkin' familiar! He played Dr. Quinn's oldest adopted son on the TV series, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. That was a good series. No one ever shows it any more though. Jane Seymore starred in it. And I'm talking in short choppy sentences. %p

The snow was too powdery to make anything with but when it does melt down I'm gonna make a hershey's kiss. Why? because I want to. *decisive nod of head* :).

I just got off the phone with Court so Graham remains to be the only one left to talk to today that I would feel cheated if I didn't get to talk to because I didn't go to church. But mom's wanting me to come downstairs and watch The Color Purple with her so even if he does call I may not get to talk to him. *sigh* At any rate.. I think I'll end this post.. Oh! after this ;)

While I was out taking pictures today I saw the beautiful little cardinal on the north side of the house in the pine trees. I didn't think to get my camera up quick enough but he was just so poetic. At piece of vibrant, red brightness flitting about the white snow and almost blackish green of the pines. I was just a lovely little "I love you" from my Heavenly Father... course I guess all the beautiful aspects of the snow are if you think about. But the snow isn't just for me but for everyone. :) I think today was just a God ordained kinda day. Not that they aren't all God ordained... but ya know? I guess I just noticed His hand more today and hopefully it was His smile that I felt upon it. :) But I'm gonna go now.. I love ya'll!!

Unconnected Thoughts...

...yet connected all the same :).

Funny how this life is.. you'd think so long as something wasn't morally wrong, there shouldn't be any reason for one to wish away things that make one smile. Yet I find myself doing just that. But then there's this terrifying place for me of learning how to love and letting my heart be stretched out in ways unfamiliar... and going before God and asking to be that kind of woman, who by others loving her become more true and loving to what they should be. And realizing that, that won't come until I let go of fears and stay near Him and learn His ways. And trust. And not be afraid and not wish away those things that make me go around and smile like a silly goose. Just offer them up to Him at the end of the day and let Him have them. And trust that in days to follow He'll continue to provide those smiles when I need them from whom He decides to send them through. Everything will indeed be okay. Trust. :) I never really realized how many or how strong my fears are sometimes... I guess I'd been hiding from them and I just freaked out at facing them.. but I'm facing them and shall walk through. :) I know this likely only makes partial sense but it's my mind working itself out.

When I did the 3 day fast with my church congregation I fasted secular media so in the evening Mom and I ended up watch Christain TV. Through that we learned about this preacher in Ga. who was teaching on the 21 day Daniel fast (fasting meat, breads, & sweets...eating only fruits and veggies and drinking water) and fasting in general. I'm not inclined to go into it here, except it's a time of prayer and petition before God and it seriously weakens the enemy's strongholds in your life. Mom and Dad and I decided to embark on a 21 day Daniel fast together as a family starting tomorrow. We'll be fasting about somethings together (like moving closer to Asheville) and some things that we chose to pray about individually. I don't really know why I'm posting about it here - I hate telling ppl when I'm fasting - but perhaps I'll mention in posts to follow what I'm fasting about and such. I dunno. I just felt like posting about it. And I am excited about it... though... %p... fearful too. I guess fearful of what I might find out about myself or what I may be asked to let go of... but I'll just have to cross those bridges when I come to them, eh?

Today my church kicked off new season in the women's ministry. They've named the women's ministry QUEST.. which is an acronym for Quiet Spirit, Encouragement, Service, Training. I wasn't really comfortable with the acronym at first but the lady who's in charge has read Captivating and that somehow just set me at peace... and I'm excited about it. Oh.. btw... we "kicked off" by having a ladies' luncheon and cookie exchange. It was cool.

Life's a dance. And places and parts of it are so much fun and beautiful and you just get lost in the beauty and the joy of it. And other places are scary and rough because you want to anticipate the next part and you can't and none of it is familiar and being me I seriously worry about "messing it up" or "stepping on someone's toes". And that's where I just have to trust the Master Dancer and let Him lead and not get worried over not knowing what comes next and just be certain I'm in His arms 'cause if I'll just relax and listen to His sweeter song He'll guide me through the complicated part and make it beautiful.

...So close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal into something beautiful...
...And I'm still fighting for the word to break these chains
And I still pray when I look in Your eyes
You'll look back down into something beautiful...

Jars of Clay... kinda sad sounding but not meant to be. Just the song that came to mind. And it fits. It works too with the part I have in the dance coming up. That seems to be shaping up rather well too. It's still gonna be the grace of God I pull it off but things are falling into place. I guess I've not much else to say. I know life will work itself out in the end. heh heh I just don't like getting car sick in the bumpy parts of life's road. Ya know?...lol

I love ya'll!!!! Don't be too concerned by my unsettledness... all will be well. :)

Batter my heart, three-personed God, for You
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend.
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurped town to another due,
Labor to admit You, but Oh! to no end.
Reason, Your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love You, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto Your enemy;
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;
Take me to You, imprison me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except You ravish me.

~John Donne

Beginning Rambles and Ending Prayers

Hmmm... what strangely God ordained readings today. From reading 2 chapters in Captivating this morning and having something of a yell at God about it to Suzanne's ramble about needing other people in our lives. The song Hannah posted was perfect. The remembering why I chose the scripture or a scripture at all to describe this blog. If I do indeed have my own farm someday I believe I want to name it Beulah Land Farm or something with "Beulah Land" in it. Not only because Beulah means married but because that's my great grandmother's name too....
(Mother's complaining that my only "male communications right now are with an 18 yr. old". Arg. Like I asked God to please send me younger friends?! Like it doesn't totally freak me out sometimes? Like I didn't spend a half hour crying out to God this morning that I'm frustrated and terrified all at once? As if I'm not scared of not being a good friend and somehow failing what could be a great friendship b/c I get "needy" sometimes? *sigh* Why is this life so damn complicated could someone tell me?!? "Because of the Fall... because sin came in..." yes, I know why.. I just wish it weren't true. I have no answers; only hope that He will guide me and save me from my fears. )

Wow.. well that's not what I intended to post. Pero, que sera sera. I feel for Hannah right now. At first it seems creeps like you. Then guys who are too old. And now guys who are too young. But who's to say they really like you that much or that way? (the younger ones that is) Is there really no real shread of true "normal" friendship to be found? I mean... *sigh* I don't know what I mean. I guess I'm trying to rationalize or reason something to make it okay for him to call me and me to enjoy talking to him alot. ARG!!!!!!!!! I want out of this place. I want to live in a place where it's okay to be real and only people who know how to love like God wants us to love live and that we could all love perfectly like God wants us to so we could all live there. sarcastically: Why can't I just live in a perfect world?! humph! "male communication" who am I suppose to talk to? Brian? Drew? B's just B. End of story... heaven forgive me but Drew's just not good looking and not my type okay? So let's see... the rest are too young and just friends anyway... oh and Nathan's too catholic/i'm too protestant... we both argee to that. Why the hell do I have to analyze all my relationships like this? So there's no such thing as "normal". I admit that much. Why isn't there a place that's consistently good? Why is it so hard to get away from my fears? I'm asking questions I don't think have answers concrete enough to satisfy me. And now I feel bad I've just dumped all this on my readers. How is it you can so thoroughly enjoy someone's company and that person can still make you smile b/c of the silliest things and it's still all wrong or seems that way? I hate how it grates on me to live under her criticism whether she's right in a situation or not. Shall I cease to have friends all together? That's what it feels like somedays.

I wish the longing would go away. And the lovely daydream... it reminds me of Alexandria's daydream in the movie O! Pioneers. She dreamed of someone strong lifting her up like she weighed no more than a bundle of wheat. And that strength holding her.... I just detest this defeated feeling. I know it's the enemy. But how much longer, eh? Sometimes I don't even really want to be married so much as God to just come in and satisfy my heart. To not feel the longing... for a day. But I wouldn't be happy for a day... I'd want it everyday. So, God, come! Fill this hole You've purposely left in Your shape. You made me in Your image but left me hollow... fill me and satisfy my thirst. Make all the shadows of fear depart. Show me the right way. Teach me to be strong and consistent. Show me to love like You love. Teach me how to be the friend and woman you called me to be. And let tomorrow be good. *sigh* I love you, Lord.

Cowlicks:

1) sections of hair that go awry, usually caused by invisible cows that come in the night and lick one's hair; sometimes the invisble cows become visible to one's cat in which case the cat attacks the invisble cows and honestly has no intention of murdering her beloved staff member (though sometimes the startled staff member wonders)

2) blocks of salt or large molasses feeding apparatus put out for cows to lick and cosume necessary nutrients; usually used in the winter though salt licks may be left out year round



(taken from Megan's Life Dictionary of Common and Uncommon Terms.. copyright pending ;)...)

Parking Lots Are Good for the Soul

You think I'm crazy? Talk to Hannah or Courtney or Caleb or Jason or Brian or Graham or keep reading my blog :). Parking lots are good for the soul. They're for dancing in, having long conversations in, and explaining my unsettled-ness to mom and having a good cry in. Good crys are good for the soul too. They're even better in an empty-ish parking lot while spilling your troubles out to mom. It's strange. I usually don't like telling her because sometimes I guess I fear she'll over react or I dunno... she's mom ya know? But today it was good and I needed it. And I'm so much better again. I should lose my sanity one day and write a thorough essay on why I love almost empty parking lots. (It would be loss of sanity, becca dear, b/c I hate writing papers.)

...there's no where else that I'd rather be
than dancin' with You as You sing over me
there's nothing else that I'd rather do
more than to worship You...

Or at least that's how I remember the praise song going. :) I'm tired and don't really have much more to say. But I felt it quite necessary to make that statement about parking lots. Oh and becca, I like the "why adults should read children's lit" for your senior project... unless you really like the amer. folklure better. That's my opinion. I see why you like that love song too... :). Hannah-Deeah, have that latin tattoo on a green clover background ;). In fact, go ahead and make it a four leaf clover. I'll just have "DON'T PANIC" in large friendly letters on my left hand and a fully labled unit circle on my right. I am going to change the message thing on my phone. I'll try to this week. ;)

I love you my dears and I thank God for you almost daily! (well, you girls daily.. the boys on the days they don't annoy me..lol... just kidding! ;).) Lots of love!!

Doc Chey's & Mexican Staredowns

Yeah.. that's where we went to eat after church today. Graham's dad wanted me to call him and tell him if Graham actually ate anything there. He made the point of explaining to me why Graham had no idea where the place was (it doesn't serve burgers or fries... it's a noodle house btw). Graham did get some kind of Thai wraps. The rest of us Chow Mien ppl. That was kind of amusing.

Church was really good today. I'm glad I went. I just don't have the energy to explain it here. :)

I feel like a loud mouth idiot sometimes.

Oh going with the previous thought I ratted on myself and told Graham about the embarrassing part of the video. He talked me into letting him watch it. He has sworn to not say anything to me about it and if he does I'm suppose to ask... I guess Jenny or his brother Ben, about some very embarrassing video footage of him. He did promise to not let his dad see it. Small victories?

I've had the first real conversation w/Art tonight in what seems like years. It's good to be whole, and for bitterness and anger to be washed away. Life is better. lol... relationships concerned are better for it. duh? :)

"I'm woman. I'm invincible. I am tired" - one Miss Wendy's t-shirts.

Tomorrow's Martin Luther King Day.... woot.... mom's crazy and wants to go shopping.

Ice skating is ankle building exercise.

btw... Doc's is the eatery...mexican staredowns are G's favorite bordem game... I need to find that boy a good nickname... I'm offically tired and should go to bed. :)

The Cosby Show

I've grown up watching the Cosby Show and I still love it. Mom and I were watching it tonight and I want to be like Mr. and Mrs. Huxtable when I get married. Except not that many kids ;). It's just so sweet how they're still in love with one another. I never ever want that to go away... sure there are moments when you don't feel it but they don't have to be the norm... if there is such a thing as "normal". I think I think about getting married too much. :-p

I gave choreographing about an hour or more of my time today. Thank You, Jesus, for the creativity returning! I certainly don't have the whole thing down but I definitely made some good progress. I just need to somehow convey to the rest of the team that they too are gonna have to mime this one. I can't be in utter torment if my demons are only tormenting me with their hands. I guess I'm saying I can't tell the story alone. We can all pull this off and make it a great piece but we're gonna have to tell the story together. And I need the wisdom and the guts to pull Angie off to the side and tell her that. I don't want to challenge her authority or seem that way or seem pushing or anything. I'm quite happy that she's in charge and I love her alot. Mom says that I view her so much as a mom that I'm a little too hesitant to speak with her on more equal terms... but how could I? She is a mom.. her oldest is older than me. I know she respects me as not being her child and being an adult but still.. I'm a young'un to her. *sigh* I keep getting stretched don't I? I just want to say what needs to be said while remaining respectful and non-threatening if that makes any sense.

I got a new battery for my cell phone today. Now it won't be stupid and need charging every hour for an hour. %)

I've got two different songs wafting through my head and both of them are kinda depressing to listen to in their entirety: "Breathe (2am)" and "Catch Me When I Fall"

...I need a place to rest my weary head

Catch me when I fall
Save me from the tears
Though I might look strong
I'm not as I appear
Though I might seem brave
I'm really sad and lonely
Hear me when I call
In a voice so faint and small
Catch me when I fall

Except that line "I'm really sad and lonely" isn't true. I don't feel sad and I have such good and dear friends I can't really say I'm truly lonely. Its more agitated... unsettled... goaded, and uncertain. I don't like my heart being stretched out. I don't like that one's capacity to hurt is equal to capacity to love. I want to love more, yes. But I'm terrified of hurt. Aren't we all? Where is the escape from it? Yet there must be some comfort in the love. Yes, the fact that in spite of the discomfort in my soul, I am not lonely or isolated. That is the comfort. I love my church. I'm so glad to be there and for my friends there. I guess I'm just scared of the change that seems to be coming at me - at us - unevitably. The changes I know of, like increase in horse stuff, I welcome. It's the other changes and longings that are still nameless and unknown. Is there really that much comfort in having that "special someone" to share in these changes with? Or will there still be the fear that we won't change together in a good way but that one of us might become "bad" and all our joys would end? Or am I just entirely morbid for a single 21 year old? There are days it seems marriage is nothing more than two friends raising kids together and getting along. That it's rather easy though not without it's rough spots and more than one person could easily "fit the bill", it just depends on chance bringing you together with who at what time. Then there are other days when it seems like there could only be one person who could possibly be "the one" and if you're not careful you'll miss him or he'll miss you or you'll both screw something up and be miserable the rest of your lives. The truth must be somewhere in the middle... or unrelated at all. And I prolly shouldn't be contemplating these questions at such "ungodly" hours of the morning. I hate walking in this mental fog. Math makes more sense and is much more logical than life. Perhaps that's why I find it easy to bury all this when I'm taking classes. But it needs to be reckoned with. And I prolly am morbid for a 21 year old. Maybe we're all morbid about something. Or am I just trying to comfort myself with calling it a part of my humanity? It's prolly a little of both. %) Maybe that's the answer to everything: A little bit of both. I just wish I could shut my brain off... or that over analytical portion of it. And turn it back on when I need it.

Nicky did well again today. The weather turned wet and sounds icky and windy/cold right now so I prolly won't be working him tomorrow. I'll prolly being doing housework. Blech. Perhaps it would be good to go to bed and stop thinking now. I think I shall.

No one can find the rewind button now,
Sing it if you understand
And breathe, just breathe
Whoa breathe, just breathe....

God give us peace and wisdom. We need it so.

Day 52 of 52 Days of Integrity

Wow... so my church's 3 day fast ended yesterday and now we're studying 52 days of integrity counting down. There seems like so much swimming in my head right now. I worked Nick today and how sweet it is to see improvement. And it was wonderful to have patience with him too. I'm almost scared to let the old desire come back for fear I'll only be disappionted. Oh what joy awaits me to ride again. And show! Of all things! :D Who needs sugar plums when images of magnificent rides, perfectly ridden courses, and seemingly effortless team work between horse and rider are in my head?

And then tonight we worked on choreographing "Set Me Free" on the new Casting Crowns CD at dance practice and I'm scared. Angie wants/expects me to mime alot, and I coulda backed out already but part of me really wants to do this. It's just been so long...longer than horse stuff? Is all that creativity still in there? It's really gonna take God for me to have the strength (creative and physical) to pull this off. I just hope and pray that I don't encounter "ghosts in my past" from this. I mean... all the crap we went though with Holly and New Covenant in general. I know mom's right; there's a lot of good acting and talent in me still yet to be seen. I'm just scared there are memories I'd rather forget attached to it. It sounds stupid but it's still startling how painful childhood wounds can be. And then Pastor Jay said tonight that he'd like to have me over to dinner or he and his oldest son (16 years) may like to take me to lunch next week. Or something like that. It just seems stressful and it shouldn't. And Jenny asked me to pray about helping her and Ben with drama/theater with the youth. I know this is all my background but still. Why am I so easily startled? And can I really handle the extra responsiblity? I can't even remember to call Caleb's mom back! *eye roll* HA! I want life to "happen" for me and soon but when it does in little ways I freak out and get overwhelmed. Only me, eh?

My restful or at peace moments today were working Nick and seeing progress and turning him out in the pasture after working him and having him follow me back up to the gate. And my other good moment was playing with Caroline (9 years). She's taking basketball or playing on a team and Ben (her big bro) had been giving her a hard time teasing her with the ball but when I left she came outside with me and we had fun stealing the ball from each other. My basketball skills are only a hair better than hers so we had alot of fun.

Why does life seem to be great and crashing or at least pressing really hard all at once? *sigh* I screwed up times sheets yet again. *shrug* Just felt like mentioning that. Jason bought me and Mary-Lisa fries today. I was only teasing him when I "demanded" he buy them. But he did it anyway. I'll have to remember to get him some fries later in the semester. I feel so distraught and I don't really know why. ARG!!! This why I don't like being a girl. I don't understand my own emotions. Otherwise I love dressing up (I can't believe I just said that), and I guess just being me. Who am I though? *eye roll* I'm thinking too much. Or coming up with too many questions w/o the gumption or ablility to answer them. La de da de da.......

yeah.. that's pretty much the contents of my mind right now... or at least as much as I'm gonna post here for tonight. I should get me to bed....... or a nunnery.... or both *goofy-yet-exasperated-with-self smile* oh.. one more random thing. I found quoting "Jabberwocky" to myself and Nick quite delightful of all things. It just gave me such a joyful carefree feeling.

...Daddy God, I'm simply not gonna make it without You. Please give me Your wisdom and peace in these decisions I need to make. Help me keep my heart on track. Please give me some new insight of creativity in this song. I know I'm where You want me at this church and on this dance team. I know You gave me the creativity and ability in the first place. And I know You can restore what fear and the enemy have tried to steal from me. And for one silly last prayer *sheepish look*... I want Angie and Jenny to glean the good stuff from that camp video but pleeease pleeeease pleeeease let them skip over that part with me looking and dancing dorky to Shackles... and especially don't let Graham see it. Or Ben, or Tim for that matter. I know that's shallow but I really don't want to have to live that one down. *embarassed face* Okay.. so maybe that's what's bugging me. I hope I'm not so shallow I can't handle myself being stupid. *sigh* Daddy, I just need Your peace so I can sleep and have a good day tomorrow.... I love You. And thank You for loving me in spite of myself and my insanities. Thank You for the wonderful friends You've put in my life. Show me how to love them like You do. And really how to love myself like You do. *quirked mouth* You know I don't mean to be conceited... so I'd better just go to sleep while I'm ahead....G'night and much love.

Am I Dreamin' Or Stupid?

Welp, Brian asked Dominique to go fish shopping with us so his intent wasn't to pump info out of me about Graham. We did have a blast fish shopping! Brian got 10 fish and Dominique and I named them all.... well all but 2. Brian really wanted one named Neo and one named Wolverine so he got those two and the rest we named after movies or movie characters: Tinkerbell, Lucy, Mr. Tumnus, Capt. Jack Sparrow, Strider, Teal'c, Serenity, and Jack-jack. When we left Brian's house after seeing his beloved new fishies safely in their new home, Brian was "baby/fishie talking" to them. Yeah, weird but aren't we all? ;) At the store there was one tiny fish in a tank with a bunch of big fish that were lazily trying to eat the little guy. It about drove Domi crazy... she just couldn't handle the drama of it. Brian and I were about to die laughing at her gasping and going "oooo Noo!!" at the other fishes making passes at the little dude. Yeah, I guess it's kinda mean of us but... they're just fish. That's what big fish do; eat little fish. At any rate mine and B's lack of feeling for fish in general helped heighten our entertainment. :) And I called Graham on the way home from B's (yeah, we'd been playing phone tag all day so I owed him one) and he got to enjoy the story too. Apparently I'm somehow now losing this game of phone tag though I'm not sure how one is suppose to win it. Except that Graham just makes up his own rules that automaticaly give him a win. *shrug* whatever...

Dance practice went really well last night too. There's one song I've already danced to at camp with one of my campers that Jenny wants to dance to also, another song that Angie wants me to kinda be the main character and mime to which is cool but scary, and then a third song that we'd just dance to live during praise and worship kinda as a part of praise and worship. That last song opened some awesome discussion on how we'd all love to actually dance in church more during praise and worship but we don't want it for people to watch us. We just want to let loose with the music and if others feel led to join in, great! Only thing is to dance up front people will watch us. To dance in back we've got the sound booth guys for an audiance which yeah... they're gonna... nah I just don't wanna go there.. great guys but they'll make fun of us and I just don't like feeling like anyone's watching me or that I'm distracting anyone. So we talked about having some of the side chairs in the back moved. I don't know if that'll happen since our #'s have been increasing but perhaps... perhaps. :)

Okie.. I'm gonna go watch some M*A*S*H* re-runs w/mom. I guess I'll go ahead and finish the song (in the title) that I started with (and thanks to mom had stuck in my head today)...

I think I've been hit by cupid
And no one needs to know right now...

Unwritten

okie.. so I'm gonna pull a Hannah because she burned me this awesome CD for Christmas and I have the first song stuck in my head.

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins...

Tell me if that's not a perfect song to start the New Year with? Yeah, I'm falling in love with other songs on the CD but right now I think that's what I'm gonna go to be singing when I go to bed and perhaps I'll even wake up with in my head. :) :) :) :) What a way to start a new year :) :).

Welp, I'm meeting Brian on Thursday night after dance practice to go fish buying with him. He has a fish tank and I guess he just hates going shopping by himself. Or mom thinks he's setting me up to ask me about Graham. Which there isn't much to find out... we just talk alot. Why? I dunno... we just really enjoy talking to each other about weird things. I think we've prolly talked for 15 minutes about his heated car seats and how I'm gonna steal his passenger one and install it in the driver's side of my truck. Or how you can stick a semi-tight sock on a cat's head and watch the aforementioned cat run around the house backwards until it finally figures out how to get the sock off. Or how Mark Twain is absolutely right that the art of lying is in shambles. Or how weird it is that I enjoy sticking my feet out his sunroof. ... whatever...lol.. and how his mom always says "It's never whatever" everytime one of her children say "whatever"...yeah we're wierd and we enjoy it about each other and nothing more... I bet Brian is setting me up. *sigh* Why can't life be perfect!?!? Sheesh.. like God couldn't figure that out yet %) ;). :) :)... but really, I do feel at peace. Just slightly annoyed. But I think I'm good. Yup... I'm aight. :) :)

Okay.. It's time for me to go to bed... but I wanted ya'll to know that song cuz it simply rocks! Lots of love!!!