Rhythms and Finding the Deep

You know that rhythm.. that song that bubbles up from nowhere? It's not necessarily any song you've heard before, but some tune you find yourself humming. It's been absent in me for awhile. Infact nearly any tune coming to mind to hum has been absent.... but I'm finding it slowly, shyly bubbling up. It's not the wild possessing tune it use to be, but it's more like an airy waltz. It's shy... and I can't call it up at will. But it comes to me occassionally.... more frequently than that music in general is coming back. Sometimes it's Moondance, and other times some worship music I've heard at camp. I'm realizing the hunger in myself for God. Not that I would have denied it before... but the earnest yearning to go deeper.. to be satisfied.. and knowing that people, places, and nothing else can really satisfy that hunger. But I find lacking the ability or the direction to dive into the deep. I know it's necessity but there isn't a devotional that really inspires me to get there. But is it some failure within myself that I need "inspiration"? I'm seriously considering fasting over break.... to press in. Going up to Living Waters was sooooo good. Freedom to get lost in worship.. and freedom to let girlfriends love on each other. That's the bad part of working with lesbians. Ya just tend to watch yourself because of them. But being around dear girlfriends and sharing our Heavenly Daddy's love was just awesome. I miss that sense of community, but I hope somehow someway to create it (or make opportunity for it to exist) in this horsey venture God's taking me on. It's so difficult to walk patiently. *wry smile* Oh for life's transitions, eh? I want so much to be full of God's love and love others the way He does.. but I always find myself lacking. Sometimes I feel like I'm learning to stand on my own to feet when I should be learning to dance. But all in His time.

I'm taking dancing for fitness as a class this fall! Isn't that exciting?!.. I'm thinking about taking a continuing ed begining guitar class in the spring. It's very exciting. And I'm riding more these days. I'm realizing what a wonderful ole diva horse I own. And I have a feeling God's gonna be teaching me some incredible stuff with my new little girlie (Stella) that I'm training. I think that's all for my ramble today. :-)

Is It Shocking...

... that I've posted 2 days in a row?..lol.. I'm shocked. *wry smile*

Welp... "Wonder boy" has, I think, decided to move on.. what bothers me is that guys don't seem to see the need to tell me such things. *shrug* I realize it could be awkward... it just.. bothers me. Ya wanna date someone else? Fine.. we said it was "just friends" from the beginning.. can we be friends and not just avoid/ignore/feel awkward about wanting to date someone else? I'm not sure if this is a boy problem or a society created problem. I do feel thoroughly convicted that courting is a load of crap. Maybe it worked in a different day and time but it doesn't make sense to most ppl today and from my experience it just plain doesn't work. Casual dating could work... so long as one is guarding their heart. Which Wb would be a case of causal dating working - ish. I dunno... but I think Joshua Harris' whole "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" stuff is a croc-o-crap past highschool. Not dating when you can't pursue a marraige relationship makes sense. Not dating when you can pursue a marraige relationship doesn't make sense unless you're not interested in getting married. This doesn't mean I think everyone should date. I think the fact the ppl would try to force some general rule for dating/not dating is the biggest problem. I think it's between God and the individual. Just like all public and private Christian schools are wrong and homeschooling is the only way. That's a farce too. I'd like to homeschool my kids (should I ever get married and have any), but that's not the only way. Many ppl come through "alternative" education systems just fine. I very much think it's an individual thing. If any of this makes sense %) *shrug*. *sigh*.. we shall see what life brings, eh?

Some Ramblings Associated with My Year of Absence

Wow.. so it's been nearly a year since I last posted. It's been a growing year, I'll say that... a painful year too. But I'm beginning to learn that the purpose of pain is to help others... and to stretch out places in ourselves for God's love to dwell. It's not that He couldn't do it without pain. It's more we don't seem to understand it or fully grasp the good until we've experienced it's opposite. It interesting (to put it mildly) to be shaken and deconstructed to one's core. That surgery is excruciating in and of itself, but the reconstruction has its own pains and beauties. I know my rambling is rather cryptic, but that's okay... I'm just needing or wanting to ramble and let somethings wander from my mind where they may or may not be read.

They say time heals. It's not really time that heals... time is simply the container or the....thing that gives increments to the process. Healing is first a choice and desire for God's wholeness for the human heart. It is not necessarily what we want for ourselves.. certainly not at first... but it's the restructuring into something infinitely better than what we thought we wanted to be. And all along its process we have to make the choice to stick with it and keep healing. We can stop the process when we come across a part that we don't like.. and I think that is where we develop scars in our hearts... because if we'll let Him.. I don't really think He'll leave scars there. I think we come to a place where we scream in agony that the fixing is too painful and we don't want our wounds cleaned any deeper. That is where we tend to get scars. Yet God is willing to open up old scars and wounds for the sake of removing them if we'll let Him. Then with the removal (or finished reconstruction) comes the "physical therapy" where He teaches us how to love again, or better, how to love the way He intended us to. We often fear if we have to share the balm that healed us that we'll be scalded. It's a rather silly thought, but the fears are so subtle and even sensible when we hear them that we forget God's ways don't always make sense.. but are always better.

I'm doing lots of learning and growing right now. I'm where I'm suppose to be, though I don't always like it. I'm learning contentment in every situation, though I'm not always content. I am learning to approach life with expectancy but not expectations. I'm learning to judge no one, but still hold on to and believe in absolute truths. I hope I'm becoming wise... or at least wiser than I have been. I'm learning to open up yet still guard my heart. I hope to be an open pasture... a place of freedom and safety for those who know me... but I must learn true freedom myself. Freedom is not independance and control of one's self. Freedom is utter abandonment to God. It's loving the way He loves. It's knowing that while not all roads lead to Him, He will travel any road to find us. It's remembering that man was made in His image..whether sinner or saint.... and that He loves me just as much as he loves an axe murder... and that He want's all of us in heaven.. but some of us will choose to not go. Freedom is accepting that if God Almighty restricts Himself to work within the limits human will has placed on him, I shouldn't be out there imposing my will on others. I'm learning that I can't really love anyone truly until I'm full of Love Himself. We can't really love anything the way God intended until we don't need to be loved. It's not aloofness. It's a case of empty vessels trying to fill one another. We can never fill until we have been filled... and only God can fill us. Maybe a better explanation would be... we're constantly hungry for love, infact we're really in starvation mode unless we are totally consumed by God's love. When we are satisfied in God, we can actually appreciate the gift of love offered us by others. It's like with out God we're starved and the love offered us by others really isn't enjoyed.. just hurriedly consumed to keep us going. But when we're full of God's love we can truly savor the gifts we receive from others.

I think I've rambled enough for now :-).. I'll see how or if at all... what I've said so far settles upon my readers.