Cages

I had to take my cat to the vet today to get him some dewormer and I found an interesting analogy to myself. He hates cages, in fact he was yowling his distaste for being in one before I even got him and the cat carrier in the truck. On the way there he was clawing so furiously at the metal grate/door that he pulled one of his claws out. When he finally gave up clawing (after we left the vet's office), he would alternate between worried panting (I kept it cool for him in the truck) or more yowls. Finally, ten minutes from home, he resigned himself to being cage bound and he started to doze off. How often I behave like him. Right now being at home and starting a horsey business with my parents feels like being stuck in a cage. I battle and fight within myself but get torn up for nothing. I know that this is moving in the direction God had called me to go, but it just....feels like more bondage than freedom. But if this is the direction God's leading me then "resistance is futile". If I'll just calm down and accept that God isn't going to leave me where I am, I'll be alot less tired and torn up in the end. It's just hard when you feel like you're shut up in a cage. So... I'm like my cat. :-)..... I just have to keep my eyes lookin' up. I have to say focused on God and know that this isn't an end. It's a beginning and He never leaves anyone and anything incomplete.

"What do you fear, lady?" he [Aragorn] asked.

"A cage," she [Eowyn] said. "To stay behind bars, until use and old age
accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or
desire."

~ Return of the King, J.R.R. Tolkien

I feel much like Eowyn, but there is no fear in love. And God is love. So I must choose love. I must choose to trust Him and not be afraid because He has not ordained me to be caged and I may yet find some freedom here, or here find my redemption from the cage.

Short, but Perhaps Not Small Thoughts

I was reading a few Boundless articles and they encouraged me greatly. Also, I've a had a revelation of sorts. "Holy" does not mean "perfection". "Holy" means "set apart". Isn't that wonderful? We are to be holy as God is holy. He is perfecting us but that perfection isn't all there is to holiness. God is love. That's what separates Him from the rest of the world. We are to be set apart as He is set apart. We are to walk in love. I guess, reading my words, it doesn't seem as profound in type as it does in my heart. I guess what came to me is, God did not look down at me and say "Be perfect as I am perfect." He looked down at me and said "Be different as I am different." and oh what a huge chasm there is between those two statements! Even when you're struggling that struggle in and of itself sets you apart from those who aren't struggling. With perfection, either you're perfect or you're not; end of story. For me a whole new concept of love and grace opened up.

Aside from that here are the two articles I found most encouraging:
Chose Joy
Friendship Among Women

And even though the latter article is suppose to be about women it's a lovely reminder of friendship with anyone.

Through Fire

I've been gone a long time haven't I? I guess it's because I don't like to post my "dark nights of the soul" here. Nor do I want this post to be one of those, so we shall see how I do my catching up. Graham and I are no longer in a relationship. There is no malice or hatred in it, and for that I am very grateful. We each have growing to do and things to accomplish before either of us is ready for marraige. Whether we enter a marraige seeking relationship again is in God's hands. I have to lay my hopes aside and trust God's love in that.

I've gone to Oregon since I've been gone. I visited Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch (which was incredible) with a lady who I just barely even met at Living Waters. The lady (Miriam) was sooooo cool! She has a vision of starting a non-profit like Crystal Peaks in our area. Talk about a divine connection. Wow... that just blew me away. And God's provision to go! Mir called me the day before our flight left and asked me if I wanted to go. Her brother had backed out. I got his plane tickets for the same price (and we weren't able to transfer them) and they had room for me at Crystal Peaks (their clinic was booked). It was definitely God ordained. :-)

I was also a counselor for Senior 2 (high school age) camp at Living Waters this summer. It was amazing as it always is. But it was especially cool for me because...well... I don't know how many years I've seen kids drunk in the Spirit or with the Spirit of laughter on them and I guess I just gave up on that ever being me. I've just always been a "Holy Ghost Bouncer" as Rick calls us. I got drunk laughing 2 nights in a row. I feel sheepish admitting it but man it was fun. Actually the first time laughter hit me was in the lunch line. Someone had to get my tray together for me. I was just laying on the floor of the kitchen laughing. *sheepish goofy smile* But man it was good...*soft chuckle* rather, man it was God. :-) I think I also came away from Living Waters with a better understanding of walking in the Spirit (like Paul talks about in Corinthians) vs. walking in the flesh. Autumn (long time friend and fellow counselor) made what I thought was a rather neat statement. She was talking about her boyfriend/fiance-when-he-gets-the-money-for-a-ring and she said what irritates her the most about him is when he gets off in the flesh. And I realized how true that is about all of us. I mean, we shouldn't walk around all detached from life, but there's this state of seeing life more consistently through God's eyes and not our own. And that's where we need to be. I've certainly failed on more than one occassion since I've been home, but I know where I'm headed? I mean, I know this is the kind of lifestyle God wants His people to lead. Walk in Love. And my love isn't enough for me to love anyone or anything. I have to be full of His love.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect through weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weasknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, fore Chirs's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

~2 Corinthians 12:9-10

arg... I'd share more but I need to get moving with my day... I want to share so much more!! *sigh*... ah well. 'Til I have time again.