What a Wonderful Life...

..or just wonderful to be alive and quite coherent. I've been sick since...the 23rd? and have had random moments of being able to pull myself together and being "normal" but today is that first day after being sick that there are still some lingering symptoms but you feel so good to not be totally misrable that you think you could climb a mountian in half the normal time. Or something like that. I'm still weak.. but my head is far clearer and my appetite is returning :D. Enough on my health...

I finally went and read what I told Graham he ought to read in the Mark Twain book I let him borrow. I don't know why I liked The Facts Concerning the Recent Carnival of Crime in Connecticut. I guess when I first read it I loved the idea of killing my conscience.. but I was 14 or 15 then.. at the most. It's alright but rather bloody and gory and not as funny as I anticipated. I intend to apologize to him when he gets home. He did, however, love On the Decay of the Art of Lying which was my other suggestion and it was really good. So is Twain's Speech on the Babies. I'll have to get him to read that. :) Okie.. enough on my beloved Twain. ;)

It has been a good Christmas, no? Even being sick hasn't diminished it I don't think. And it definitely wasn't in material things that this Christmas was better than any others. Yet I don't know how to say that my heart found it more joyful than any of the rest. But it has been. I'm glad to have gone to church on Christmas day. It was so lovely. Not so much in what Pastor Jay had to say but in just fellowshipping with those friends whom I hold dear and worshiping together. Worshiping together with ancient hymns and new ones is just so sweet, ya know? That sweetness is actually reminding me of some words to a hymn, "..For the love which from our birth/Over and around us lies/Lord of all to Thee we raise/This our hymn of grateful praise.." Worshiping together, seems to me, like taking the love and warmth that is between us as families , friends and a congregation and lifting it up to our heavenly Father in adoration of Him. I don't always feel like that. Sometimes Sundays I feel as though it's my personal sacrifice and it's just something between me and God. And that is good. But it was so sweet on Christmas day to join together with others who care for me and I care for them and worship God together. :)....my language fails me to describe the feeling. But that's why I'm so glad to have gone to church on Christmas Day. I think the only thing better would have been if Mom and Dad could have come but that day will come soon. I understand their fears and reluctance to return to some gathering of the Body, but in good time it will come. :) I will not hound them. The Spirit will work quietly and gently in their hearts and when the time is right they will come. How amazingly blessed I am that my parents are as devout Christians as they are! I mean most people who say these things are hoping and praying for their parents' salvation too, but my situation is so different. My parents are the ones who've encouraged me in the Word and challenged me too. They've just been hurt so much... I don't blame them for their slowness in going back. "A thing of beauty is a joy forever..."(Mary Poppins) but that thing of beauty rarely happens over night. Sometimes time is our tormentor... and somes our sweet nurturer. It is when time seems full and is about to brim over with something good that she seems to us a sweet nurturer. And that's how I feel right now. I'm almost content, but I suppose I should be entirely content in any situation. *wry smile* may I write that off as me still growing?...*soft laugh*. I am learning. And I am growing. I am content.

I wish I had more peace about taking Josiah to the Opera Ball. I don't dislike him. We just don't click. We get along, agree on all the important things, but ... *sigh* I suppose I'm prolly taking things a little too seriously? (It's just friends going to a formal together.) I guess I'm slightly afraid he'll take things too seriously.. but he's said he doesn't want to date right now. And obviously he must realize we don't truly click. Why should I worry if we'll have a good time or not? A few of the girls from church will be there. Court Mc will have an opportunity to teach him how to swing dance. I guess there's this nasty twinge of fear that somehow I've bumbled things.
"You've been listening to fears, my child." (Aslan) :)

It's amazing how good it is to feel well after you've been sick. I feel like I could dance from here to... to... I don't know.... "I could dance a thousand miles/Because of Your great love..."

I'd prolly ought to get going... spend some time yakin' with God before I come back around (hopefully) tonight. :) Later my dears...*imagine music as I dance away :)*

If I Were A rich man...

"...All day long I'd biddy biddy bum/If I were a wealthy man!"

Jessie and Jay got me Fiddler on the Roof for Chirstmas and Dad and I watched the first half of it tonight. I aboslutely love that song. :)

Bloomin' onions from Outback Steakhouse are seriously addictive. And Outback has reeeally cute waiters.

Ya know.. I really do like the boy as a dear friend but I can't honestly say that I know I'd want to marry him. I thoroughly enjoy talking to him... about anything... but that's not everything. Yeah, I think he's good looking and certainly tall enough. But... it really does need time. We do need to build a friendship. I just wish our friends would back off a bit and not be in such a hurry to marry us off. He needs time to grow and we both need time to get a bit more comfortable with each other. He needs to get over his initial crush. And so do I. I think I am. Everytime I have the time to really think about it I realize that while I don't have any specific objections I don't have solid good reasons other than he's a Christian. And I've prolly baffled you, my dear readers, at this point. But if you'll not mind me, I need to think this out a bit somewhere. And tonight that somewhere it here. Yes, I adore him.. but who's to say the adoration will last? I mean... Ar****'s family adored me, but that's ancient heartache and history. Mom seems convinced one of us will break each other's heart. I don't want that to happen and I'm not sure how much of her prediction is cynicism from the arthurian heartache or truth. I certainly don't want it happen. No one wants heartache. But how do I encourage the friendship? I mean... I'm not aware of... I don't know.... I just thoroughly enjoy talking to him and spending time with him. I'm not really aware of "oh my gosh I'm with so-and-so".. I just enjoy myself and sometimes think "whoa.. I'm having this much fun w/a guy..wierd.. I'm just going to enjoy myself and not get wierded out thinking about it." *sigh* I feel terrified sometimes that this road too, shall end in heartache and I sincerely, earnestly, reeeally hope it doesn't. Do I strive too much after happiness that it cannot alight upon me? Am I striving instead of living? I do feel rather stressed lately. But am I stressed because I'm "being bad" or because I'm too worried I might be "behaving" badly? I don't want to "lead him on" but I do want to be his friend. arg... I do love spending time with him. Is that leading him on? I don't really know if it could become something serious. I wish there wasn't the pressure to rush into things. Why can't people be happy to let things grow on their own? I love my other friends but...*sigh*. Well, I obviously think too much. Too bad there aren't garden stakes to jump up out of the ground and whack me for thinking. Then I just might quit for a minute... or I'd start thinking about the garden stakes and why they do that and how I could make them stop and .... yeah I'm doomed (btw.. the garden stake thing is from Hitchhiker's Guide if you were thinking I'd really lost my sanity.) I'm not any better off than when I started this ramble %)....

Welp, I finally got my grades back from AB Tech. It is finished. I shall never take math again unless some momentary lack of sanity overtakes me... I've aced Calculus 2 and I have satisfied any lust for math I've ever had or shall have. My GPA now stands at 3.91 and will stay there for all I care. I'm done with school for awhile.

That's about all I have to say here.. I'm ready to head me off to bed. I love ya'll! G'night or G'day whatever the case may be.

..But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles..

"Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on the cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So just cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe
Whoa breathe, just breathe"

~ "Breathe (2am) Anna Nalick [a song they play too much on the radio]

I don't know why I like this song... it's so sad but somehow I like it. And I feel absolutely exhaused. I wanted to go to bed 3 hours ago but I'm still up baking for the boys' Christmas presents and the party. (Yes, I'm baking for the boys for Christmas this year. I've no idea how to get the stuff to the "chosen" ones w/o the other "non-chosen" ones finding out but I'm too tired to contemplate that furthur.) Wow...this week has been as busy as the week before finals. I've had dance practice every other day with shopping in between. Dress rehearsal is tomorrow and then Sunday I have to be at church at 7:30am for the first performance. Brian F*rr** use to chew his toe nails when he was ten. (He was super flexy b/c of Tae Kwon Do but don't tell him I posted his confession here.. or that you know about it. He only confessed b/c he found out when I was a baby I use to suck on my big toe %).) He and Court MacCrack** both get super nervous before preformances and sometimes practices. I get nervous; I just try to joke and not think about it 'til I'm standing out there waiting for the music. Then I hope I remember everything. I know horses have their own difficulties but somehow I prefer horse shows. I mean I love dancing in church.. don't get me wrong, but horse shows are just better somehow. We've practiced incessantly... Nick and I have time to trot around and chill. And by the second class we're good. Especially if there aren't too many other horses in the ring. Sit up. Heels down/Toes up. Legs back. What diagonal are you on? Push 'im forward and soft on the bit.. nice frame. Sit tall and smile.. feel him soften into your hands and relax and stretch his stride. Up - down - up - down. And sit a little deep and quietly ease him to a walk. Your hands should be as if you're holding birds (soft but firm) and holding them so they can talk to each other(slight angle but not "piano hands"). Ask him to trot and feel him briskly hop-to and then lengthen out his stride again - just skimming across the ground.... yeah, that's all about horses. Definitely not dance, well... it is about dance, but not in terms of skirts and working with other people and counting music the same and such... it's about two beings coming together and working as one. Thinking, even if only for a little while, as one. And becoming a beautiful fluid motion together. I suppose that's what any kind of dance is. It's just sometimes it's more than two people (dance team) and it's harder to accomplish that oneness. It is glorious when it happens. I guess I just love being on horseback. I never want to forget that one time I jumped a perfect course. There's no other feeling so lovely as that on earth. At least not that I've experienced yet. :) If I could ride a perfect course tomorrow... I'd take a 3.0 GPA. I think I really would. Oh that it weren't so hard to get back to!!!! Why do I feel so twarted to getting back to riding?!?! It's so deeply frustrating. I miss my first love more than I should ever care to admit. But I need to get to bed...

I didn't really mean the post to be a rant or anything. It's rather a contrast from the post I left at "Sparkling Jewels". Ah well, such is my roller coaster ride. I just hope that I may dream sweetly of horses, and sugar plums and successful Christmas programs and parties... and peace tonight. The same to you all! I love ya!

Prince Caspian

I love that book, I think I'll venture to say it's almost my favorite... but I suppose I love them all in their own right. But right now Prince Caspian is definitely my favorite. I cried through listening to most of it. I told Graham and Courtney that and Graham kinda made fun of me for it but I just can't explain it w/o tearing up to some extent... I guess I'm just not comfortable enough to cry and explain myself to my guy friends yet. Whatever, I feel compelled to explain here and maybe someday I'll let the guys read it. OKAY! On with my explaining...

I'm gonna block quote stuff from the book and then tell you why it brings me to tears/I love it.

Then, after an awful pause, the deep voice said, "Susan." Susan made no answer but the others thought she was crying. "You have listened to fears, child," said Aslan. "Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them. Are you brave again?"

"A little, Aslan," said Susan.

I know what it is to be Susan, and to be in fear and walk in fear, at times without even realizing that fear was the force behind my thoughts or actions. In the storyline thus far, Susan's only been crabby and "adultish". Not your typical fear reactions, yet how often when we look at ourselves deep down the reason we've reacted in such a way is because we're afraid of something. We've held on to someone for fear of being alone, fear that God really wouldn't come through. Held on to the familiar for fear of failing in the unfamiliar. Held on to the very things that kills our souls... for fear of what? Fear that God's promises won't be as good or as satisfying as we'd hoped. Or perhaps even fear that He's good enough, but somehow we'll miss it and be left desolate or a failure again. And yet... even though we, perhaps, have come to a place where we haven't seen our fears for what they are Jesus comes to us and says, "You've listened to fears, my beloved, my child. Forget them. Let me love you until the fear in your heart is no more." Doesn't that pierce you somehow? Where you didn't even see your fear, it's pointed out to you but in the same breath it's taken care of with love. How truly, truly beautiful. :)

At a little town half-way to Beaversdam, where two rivers met, they came to another school, where a tired-looking girl was teaching arithmetic to a number of boys who looked very like pigs. She looked out of the window and saw the divine revelers singing up the street and a stab of joy went through her heart. Aslan stopped right under the window and looked up at her.

"Oh, don't, don't," she said. "I'd love to. But I mustn't. I must stick to my work. And the children would be frightened if they saw you."....

...and all the boys began howling with fright and trampling one another down to get out of the door and jumping out of the windows. And it was said afterward (whether truly or not) that those particular little boys were never seen again, but there were a lot of very fine little pigs in that part of the country which had never been there before.

"Now, Dear Heart," said Aslan to the Mistress: and she jumped down and joined them.

At Beaversdam they recrossed the river and came east again along the southern bank. They came to a little cottage where a child stood in the doorway crying. "Why are you crying, my love?" asked Aslan. The child, who had never seen a picture of a lion, was not afraid of him.

"Auntie's very ill," she said. "She's going to die." Then Asland went to go in at the door of the cottage, but it was too small for him. So, when he had got his head through, he pushed with his shoulders... and lifted the whole house up and it fell backward and apart. And there still in her bed, though the bed was now in open air, lay a little old woman who looked as if she had Dwarf blood in her. She was at death's door, but when she opened her eyes and saw the bright, hairy head of the lion staring into her face, she did not scream or faint. She said, "Oh, Aslan! I knew it was true. I've been waiting for this all my life. Have you come to take me away?"

"Yes, Dearest," said Aslan. "But not the long journey yet." And as he spoke, like the flush creeping along the underside of a cloud at sunrise, the color came back to her white face and her eyes grew bright and she sat up and said,"Why, I do declare I feel that better. I think I could take a little breakfast this morning."

First there's the school mistress who's tending what we can guess to be her not so pleasant duty. Yet, inspite of a strong desire to leave she stuck to her duty. How often we do that. Man, even (for me) the past 2 years have felt like that. I've shut my heart down to some of the things I love the most (like horses) to dedicate myself to my duty of becoming a well educated, intelligent individual who is properly equipped to better society. For me, at what cost? The cost that I'm now finding it incredibly difficult to get back into one of my first loves (horses)? But Aslan came to the Mistress and freed her from her "chains". He did not come to her and entice her away from what she rightfully should be doing; he simply made that duty disappear and let her heart free. How beautiful is that? What a picture... if we make Him our focus, he will indeed set our hearts free. In fact, that's the very scripture Jesus read from Isaiah in the beginning of His ministry:" He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners". And that scripture brings me to the dear old lady. She was near her death in the somewhat darkened indoors when suddenly a beautiful lion -the lion - stuck his head through her door and broke the walls from around her letting in the beautiful summertime sunshine and air. The dear saviour she had hoped in had come...and her heart was a peace and she expected to be made whole... in the form of being taken to Aslan's Country (heaven). And Aslan did not let her down... but he had a greater gift than her hopes. He wanted her to live on - healthy, joyful, and full. Can't you feel the love in Aslan's words "Yes, Dearest, but not the long journey yet."? Yes, Dearest, but I have better than death for you. I have come so that you will know my love for you more fully and can teach others my love. Jesue came "to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."(Isa.61:3) It's just through C.S Lewis' story this scripture, and those like it become so much more tangible. Yes, my love, I've come for you.. but not to show you an end. I've come to show you glorious new beginnings.

Thanksgiving

May I make the statement that food is wonderful? Well, it really truly is especially after you've been sick on Thanksgiving Day and night and food sounds simply horrible. Eating today has been wonderful. And not studying. And sleeping. All entirely wonderful. I think I like working for the college system just a little bit. I don't have to work 'til Monday. How gloriously, gloriously sweet! Shopping tomorrow perhaps. I can't think in complete sentences but that's okay. I've been trying listen to Prince Caspian (Graham's missing a CD from the Magician's Nephew), but haven't gotten to as much as I'd like. At least I'm listening to it now. Graham called me today to "remind" me to keep my towel near by and such that he got quite a few laughs from Hitchhicker's Guide. And something to the effect that he seems to see himself as Marvin (the paranoid android). To be completely honest I'd have to agree but he's not nearly so depressing to hang around as Marvin is or would be. It's a bit strange. But whatever... I'm glad he enjoyed it. I'll yack at him more on Sunday.

We got our Christmas tree today. I think I really like our tradition of getting our Christmas tree on the day after Thanksgiving. Seems like it won't be too long and we'll be getting two trees - one for my own place. It's weird though, that I think that. I mean.. I don't see moving out soon, or getting married either, though if I take the time to be still there's a peace. It's just wierd - this sense of sooness I have. *shrug* Whatever.

"Look! Look! The Lion! Aslan himself!!"

In my childhood I didn't like Prince Caspian that much. I found it rather boring. Now I don't know why I like it so much more, but I do. :)... Okay. I have some download stuff to do and vitamin C water to drink and I'm enjoying listening to the Chronicles....
Adieu fair readers :) adieu...

Winding Up In a Whirlwind

I just got home from dance practice at church and it looks like things have pulled together. We don't really feel that together but the video tape looked a lot better than it felt. So we have one more practice tomorrow and we dance on Sunday 8:30Am and 11Am. I think I feel a bit more confindent.

I think I'll borrow The Magician's Nephew next. I've loved The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. It's funny. I teared up at different parts listening to it than I did reading the book. But it was all together good. :)

I got a call back from Don this morning about taking Josiah to the Opera Ball and he said of course I could bring an escort. He wouldn't have it any other way, so Josiah goes with me. Josiah seems pretty excited about it. I think he's settled on buying a black suit but he can't decide on what color shirt. He wanted to put a drab olive green with it, but Camille and I strongly encouraged him to go with a very dark hunter or forest green. Camille was more in favor a rich blue shirt b/c Josiah has blue eyes but Josiah objected b/c... I don't remember why. It was lame whatever it was :). He's so funny. He's being almost as bad as a girl about his suit. But then he's looking at spending around $400 on it because he want's to have it fitted so I guess I can't complain. I mean the rest of the guys would have just gone to Goodwill and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just nice that he reeeally want's to look his best. And he's excited that he's gonna get to wear it twice: once to the Opera Ball and once to Julia's formal in January. I hope he has a good time at the ball. I still haven't had the heart to ask him if he'll pick me up here... I wouldn't mind meeting him in Asheville but mom's all concerned about weather and drunks out late and me driving and all manner of silliness. We'll see what happens with that one.

Maisha asked Jason and me today if we were related. It's kinda weirded Jay out but I found it amusing so he played along and said he got all the looks in the family. I blamed his looks on the milkman. Apparently our "bickering" is amusing. I wonder if it's what Dominique calls our "little old couple on the verge of divorce" sound. Whatever... that was an interesting first for my brother and me today :).

We have a test on Chapter 11 sections 1-5 on Tuesday. We just began covering section 5 today. Then Val intends to cram 5 sections and test us on it before finals. It'll basically end up our last Tues. taking the sections 6-10 test and the next 2 days after that taking the final. Right now I have a 89.2% average in the class. I've gotta pull off some high A's and B's on these last few tests to bring that back up to an A. I did for organics... can I do it again? Who knows. %)

*sigh* that's about it here... oh mom's trying to make me start working on my Bachelors at UNC-A next semester. To be totally honest I don't want to. I want to ride horses. But I've been failing my attempts so far to get back into horses and I'm wondering if it's going to take not working at all to accomplish that. (getting back into horses I mean) shoooo... I dunno. A dance minor or sports medicine minor look like fun. Though a math minor would likely be more feasible. whatever...

I love hazelnut, pumpkin spice, and gingerbread lattes (not all mixed together though). I'm sick of coughing (And NO Jason I will NOT go to the doctor for a silly cough just because you did!) He doesn't read my blog nor have the address. I just felt better getting to "yell" at him w/o him knowing *silly angelic smile*

Kay, I really need to get me to bed. Oh Jonathan said he's no longer talking to Hannah... Jay's annoyed with him though not for that reason. Jonathan tried to play footsie with me today which... I don't know why it annoyed me *shrug*... I was almost really getting along with him too. *sigh* Kay... I need to sleep! %p :) I love ya'll!!!!!!! HUGS & KISSES

The Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything...

... is 42. We know that from dear Douglas Adams and his book The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. But Brian Ferree stopped by work today and I mentioned to him my new thought. Maybe perhaps that ever elusive ultimate question is indeed a sum. The sum of infinite what, we don't know. That is the question ;).

...And I'm sick of coughing...Jason shouldn't share...well at least if he shares the cough he shares the cough drops, though he did have to talk me into eating one (I, as a rule, hate Halls... but the strawberry ones aren't too bad).

It looks like I'm taking Josiah as a "date"/"escort" to the Opera Ball. I didn't really think he'd wanna go when I asked him. 'Course it'd been a little weird asking Caleb so it was less weird asking Josiah (weirdness based on asking a younger guy that is.. it was still a bit awkward). Anywho, I need to check with Marylin and Don and see if it's okay. There are times I question myself wanting an escort but I guess I've started it and Josiah is actually interested enough that he bothered to ask me about it today so I guess I'm gonna see this one through.

I'm borrowing the Focus on the Family Radio Theater version of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader from Graham Bryant this week. I love it. Some things aren't as I expected, but I've found myself looking for excuses to keep driving than to have to stop listening to it. (I listen to stuff when I drive... at least anything that would demand my attention. Music is usually for studying to anymore.) But anywho.. I understand now why he got off in a British accent on Sunday. I don't know why I hadn't realized the characters would have British accent's but *shrug*. It's fun to listen to. Graham and I have way too much fun talking on the phone. %) boys... oh and there's the funny part of the book that I'd forgotten when Eustance is journaling that... they were 13 days at see being blown before a hurricane though the others said it was only 12, he had been keeping very accurate count. Imagine! Being stuck at sea with people who can't count properly!... I about died laughing at that. Especially since it's the general joke that I can't count, add, or subtract worth anything. It made me feel a bit better though. I mean if Prince Caspian or Lucy or Edmund or Lord Drinian can't count then maybe it's okay that I can't count either. Though it's not very helpful with timesheets and time clock reports. Whatever. :)

Today was a tired sleepy day and I need to get me to bed. I love ya'll! G'night Oh! one more thing.... Jason when to church on Sunday.. or at least he was suppose to. Jessie said they talked and he said he felt the need to get more serious about his faith. :D... it's just good to hear that. For the record he might not have gone to church because he went to the doctor about his cough. I think his granparents made him go and now he's trying to make me go. %p... it's a silly cough and I won't go. If I break a bone or something more serious than just a cough I'll go. But there's no reason why I can't weather a cough, and he shan't bully me into going. So there! *halfway silly smile at myself* Okay.. I really am ready to go to bed. G'night!

God's Paintbrush

Kay.. this is just a quickie post but man o' man... this is indeed my most favorite time of year. Eventhough the trees aren't nearly as brilliant as years past the whole ridge above Mary's Gap is sunkissed with gold and here and there across the mountains there are flames of orange and scarlet. It's magnificent!

"Oh her eyes are amber-fine/ Deep and dark as wells of wine..."

Wow.. I feel like there's so much. The prayer conference in Branson, Missouri was awesome. It's prolly the closest thing I've found to a camp at Living Waters so far. And my the strange things working in my soul....

At the prayer conference there was a special corporate prayer thing to pray for those who have been wayward/slack/just nominal about their faith to become passionately on fire for God again. I know that sounds boring or bland but it was so good. Even though we didn't sing it, the residual song from last week is

"I get joy just thinkin' about
What He's done for me
I get joy joy thinkin' about
What He's done for me..."

I don't know who sings it but it's perfect. Everyone around me seems to think I'm going to be getting married soon. While that does annoy me sometimes, it's also just seeming more like a sweet promise than a frustration that I "don't have someone" yet. I think what I've noticed the most since I've been home is what a lack of seriousness my friends have towards their faith. But some seem so close to the edge of being on fire if someone would just show them and teach them how to be passionate about God. *sigh* I did miss them dearly the week I was gone.

And oh my, the change in my heart after going back to Missouri. I was born in Kansas City, Mo. I never even visted the Ozark Mountains (southern Mo. (they're actually 1/3 the size of the Blue Ridge)) when I lived in Missouri. But something there called to me. I mean, I thought it was beautiful while I was there but when I came home to the mountians, it wasn't the same. I've always felt this peace or settling in my soul when I've come to my mountains after being away... but this time it didn't feel like home. They didn't feel welcoming or comforting... they didn't feel like the resting place they always have. Strangly the Ozarks seem more like home. I almost shudder at that. I... *sigh* how do I describe it? Part of me want's to go back to southern Missouri because it... it... if feels like my own, my native land? And the love for this place that I've just visited for the first time is so strangely strong... but a large portion of my heart belongs to my friends here. It's just that somehow it seems like my heart doesn't belong to the mountains any more. That's so unnerving. I want to be happy and settle down here. I love my friends so much. It's like I've finally found my place here and there my heart up and goes somewhere else on me. I dunno... it's weird to say the least.

I'd post more but I'd like to go to bed now... I do have pictures of Branson and Table Rock Lake (in the Ozarks) and hopefully I'll have them posted here or at my picture website soonly. Anywho.. I love ya'll! I'm off...

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

"...There is something in October that sets gypsy blood astir
We must rise and follow her
When from every hill a-flame
She calls and calls each vagabond by name."
~"Vagabond Song" by Bliss Carmen

And my "vagabond" wanderings will soon take me back to the state of my birth. Mom and I leave for Missouri tomorrow for a prayer conference. My heart feels so full of so much right now.... mostly good things.. a few confusing ones. But yesterday was so lovely... I haven't been on a playground swing since before we moved here from Liberty, Mo. I can't describe how lovely it was to be taken back to those carefree days of childhood. I truly felt carefree. :):):)And after listening to the guest speaker at church I'm seriously considering dropping calculus. He was talking about are we really effective in God's kingdom, and what are we known for. Are our conversations effective for the Lord? Is the life we're living effective? And I've been totally defeating the purpose of taking a year off for almost a year now *eye roll at self*. And I've often thought "What would it be like? What would happen if we took the time to study the Bible the way we study all these other things.. not that the study of other things is bad (I delight in chemistry) but what would it be like? What change might happen in our hearts? Do you think we might truly begin to grasp what God has for us and how he loves us? *sigh* There is some fear in my heart of what my friends will think. And some of Satan's lies are already trying to work their way in. But I would be dropping Calc 2 for my own well being. I am smart enough... my ability isn't in question here. I'm not being a slacker. *sigh* I think Nathan will understand, and prolly Hannah and Rebecca, but there's that tiny bit of fear of the rest. And Court will understand. But alas... I'll hopefully get a chance to explain further but I need to get going..

Strange and Glorious Days

Praise God from whom all blessings flow

For the beauty of the earth

Praise Him all creatures here below

For the glory of the skies

Praise Him above ye heavenly host

For the love which from our birth

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost

Over and around us lies
Lord of all to thee we raise, this our hymn of grateful praise.

Amen.

It's weird... highschool seniors hitting on me. I think.. I'm not sure, but then coming to understand more what God's called me to.. or at least what He thinks of me and how he loves me. It's strange this life we're given. Pastor Jay was so good yesterday. To think I was considering not going to church yesterday. *head-shake* :) It's always silly-ness to consider not going to church. Especially when you know you're plugged in to an awesome place where you know the people love you for who you are and you know the Bible is taught literally. Part of me is in awe and part of me would like to dance..slowly.. in adoration. It's been a long time since have had that song without a tune in my heart. I don't think I could hum it either. You'd only know the rythm if I danced to it. If it stays with me, perhaps this evening I will. Okay... I've got to leave to for work/school. I love ya'll!

Rainy Days

Welp.. the bonfire had to be postponed 'til next Friday and while Jason, Jess, and Josiah won't be able to come perhaps Nathan and Kathryn and Graham will be able too. Poor Caleb... I think he'll come but he doesn't know what to without Jason there to play guitar with him. They're becoming quite a pair. :) Jessie and Jay had a recent bad stretch in their relationship, but it seems to only have lasted a day or two. They were behaving normally last night. Yup, last night since the bonfire was cancled Caleb, Courtney, Josiah, Jason, and Jessie and I hung out and went bowling, and saw War of the Worlds at the Brew 'n View. As for the movie I'm sorry I saw it. Maybe I'd enjoy it more if I'd read the book but... I found the movie a rather disgusting attempt at sci-fi horror that left me feeling a bit disturbed. And the ending was far too blunt. The only good part of the movie is the part Dakota Fanning played was a horse crazy girl who won a 3rd place ribbon at a horse show that looks exactly like some of my Tri-County ribbons. And she had some really cool/classic Breyer Models too. Definately a cool kid. :) But otherwise it wasn't worth watching the movie.

We did have a great time hanging out though! After we finally decided what time we were all gonna get together peoples dispersed from school and Jay and I went over to Barnes & Noble. As a disclaimer he entered the children's section first. I only followed. *innocent angelic smile* I found Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry and I never realized it was a kid's book. Perhaps young adult fiction but... it's a little rough for kids. But then I was probably eleven or so when I read it so maybe not. Anywho... I don't own it so I had to buy it. Jason had fun giving me a hard time that there's a difference between browsing children's books and buying children's books. As ususal I think he's full of mud.

Courtney met up with us at the bowling alley and we had a blast. Jason taught Caleb how to throw a curve ball whatever thing that Jason does. Courtney and I both got strikes. I think Josiah got some strikes too and of course Caleb and Jason got strikes. We started this thing that everyone who isn't bowling makes big hand motions in the direction the ball needs to go while the bowler is watching the ball go down the lane. It only helped Courtney though. *shrug* but it was fun. Then Josiah started us getting off doing the wave while the bowler was in mid-throw. It was crazy. I'm sure the people around us thought we were nuts. But we were being crazy together so it was great. And then at the Brew 'n View. Well... there musta been something in the root beer...

Jason and I did that dance thing (DDR..that step on arrows thing). And some time during that Josiah confessed to Jessie that ever since he was little he always wanted to be a latin dancer. But that's not what Jessie heard. She heard "lap" dancer. The jokes - good and bad - flowed from there and ended somewhere around Caleb making the comment that "I like this Greek pizza and all but, dang! With all this garlic I'm not gonna get to kiss anyone all night!" which was met with a sypathetic "awwww" from the girls. Jay and Josiah got indignant. Jason made some comment to tie that back to Josiah's lap dancing... I'm prolly better off for not remebering it but I think it was God ordained he was stuck sitting between me and Jessie at supper. She and I think enough alike that Jason was doomed to be slapped simultaneously throughout supper. It was a great evening....

But I need to get my day started! I'm still in my pj's and it's almost 1 pm. Kay.. I love ya'll!!

Oh P.S. Arthur is so hilariously confused. It'd be entirely hilarious if it weren't so pathetic. You know, I've prayed so much for clarily in this relationship and I think I'm finally seeing. When we were younger he was so spiritually mature in someways that I never realized how incredibly socially immature the boy really is. He thinks he knows so much but he doesn't really have a clue. But anyway... I need to get goin'. I love ya'll and I love you Heavenly Daddy.

Joline

Joline, Joline, Joline, Joline
Please don't take my man...

Jason burned the CD's Hannah made him and Caleb and a couple mixed CD's for me recently and I've been listening to them. I really like them but I think I'm ready for another song to get stuck in my head.

I've been grouchy lately and there's no good reason why! I'm grouchy and annoyed at myself for being grouchy! I'm nuts!

Whelp the bonefire is this Friday... I'm looking forward to it and I think everyone else is too. I'm hopin' we'll get to dance some... waltzing mostly unless someone has some swing or the boys can play swing on the guitar. Jason's still threatening to talk to Nicky. Why he wants to scare my poor horse, I have no idea. I have no idea why I'm posting tonight. I'm kinda fried from that test. I know I got one wrong... infact 2 of the easy ones wrong.. but I got both hard ones right. *eye roll* go figure :).

Oh! Jost Verdu has taken to insulting me again. We see him in the cafeteria frequently though no one bothers to talk to him, but anywho I was buying lunch for a change and he came up and started talking to me while I was waiting for my order. He was rather decent and we talked about Hitchhicker's Guide. Then he asked me what I had ordered. I told him the steak sub (It's WONDERFUL by the way... Caleb discovered it and oh heavens... it has Greek/Italian seasoning and oh... it's great:D :D ) And Josh just raised an eyebrow and said "wow calories" and walked away. I find it rather amusing that he can be so blatantly mean and still expect me to be falling at his feet begging him to go out with me. It made Grace livid. She's gonna go over to him one of these days and just punch him... give him a black eye.. or something quite unpleasant. But man... if you're ever around AB -Tech and have about $2.50 to spend I'll split it with you. It's heavenly and it's so stinkin' huge I can only eat half of it at once.

Welp.. I"m gonna head off tonight.. my laundry's done and there's a movie on I've been wanting to see.. I love ya'll! G'night!

Calculus and the Time Continue-um

Yes, I do realize my spelling of the title isn't correct but at the moment it seems to fit. :) According to mom I've been in a grouchy mood recently and I suppose I have been. I hate to admit it could possibly be related to Arthur but in part I suppose it is. Wednesday I got irritated with Graham for always "politely" kicking my feet at lunch... I've accused him of playing footsie with me and that still hasn't kept him from it. Well, Wednesday Beth accused him of it too and when he didn't deny it she accused him of having a crush on me. While I was incredulous, she began to list the reasons why it would be quite reasonable for Graham, or any guy for that matter, to have a crush on me and her last point was "you like horses and you're a horse person". And it kinda shocked me that being a horse person was a plus and not only in Beth's book but when I expressed surprise that it was considered a benefit Graham got in on it and went on about how cool that was. I just kept my mouth shut about it and changed the subject to something more comfortable... but I got to thinking about the incident the next day. And I realized a wound in my heart I never knew was there. Years ago when we were kids Art told me he had "no interest whatsoever in horses" and he and most of my peers then treated me like a freak for being horse crazy. And somehow I let that fester into a belief I didn't even realize I had. Somewhere, deep-down, I let myself believe that there was something undesirable about me because I was and am a horse crazy person. That somehow the rest of the universe ( minus other horse people and a rare few girlfriends) thought there was something wrong with me.. with us the horsey people. I guess I can't express how shocking and strange that there is one guy on this planet (who isn't a crass cowboy) who thinks the fact that I'm a horse woman makes me even more attractive. Mind you I've no intentions of falling head-over-heels for Graham Bruns. But I'd never even dared to hope there might be men like that out there who weren't ignorant cowboys. If there are boys like that, then maybe - just maybe - there might be some men too. I'm glad I had flower beds to weed all day Thursday. I weed anything best when I'm upset in some form. I cried for an hour perhaps... for the years of misconception caused by careless, unfeeling words, and for the hope I hardly dare to embrace. I know this may seem like an exaggeration but horses are something that define Megan Redding. I never made a conscious choice to like horses. Loving them has always been like breathing... and to think for so long that that could be unattractive and something my friends just tolerated about me. For me it was and is a big deal.. and I still have a hard time grasping it. It made me so angry at Arthur... it's hard but I know God gives me the grace to forgive him. It's my responsibility to make the choice...the feelings will come later.
*sigh* Finally getting all that out really makes me want to get out of this frump. :)

I went and worked at the Asheville Lyric Opera's Angel Dinner. Both of this season's baritones hit on me.. I think.. well at least it seemed like the guest speaker did... the other guy (Jonathan Ross) is a teacher at AB and teaches graphic design. He made it a point to talk to me during the evening and walk me out to my truck. I think he was just being polite but it felt a bit akward (I can't decide on how to spell that word. It looks like it's meaning.) I mean, we were in a very safe place and I felt fine walking back to my vehicle. There was actually a police car with an officer in it parked right next to me watching the parking lot (this was the Holiday Inn in east Asheville). *shrug*.. I guess it just reminds me of the whole Abraham thing in a way and ... he was really nice but I'll feel a bit more comfortable if I don't see him around for awhile. I suppose the next week shall tell us if does or doesn't stalk the cafeteria. The cafeteria!!! We're getting wireless in Coman and the cafeteria!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D WOOT!!!! Jay and Graham are pretty excited about it.

I survived the Bible study on Tuesday. It wasn't bad at all... only Drew and Erica and Mitchel came and I think they were the perfect crowd for me. We covered James chapter 2 and 3 and Pastor Rick came and sat in on it. Pastor Jay (Liner... Jay Henderson would make an interesting pastor to say the least *eye roll & smile*) said he heard really great things about not only me leading grow group this past week but about the other times I've taught. I guess that's encouraging... I don't know why it makes me feel sheepish. *eye roll at self* ha... church today... the sermon and everything was great except after two Sundays in a row of Brian making certain he got to sit next to me when I asked him where we were going to sit today he (and his mom) invited me to sit with them and then Brian made the comment "but you know this isn't going to help the stories that you're my girlfriend." I mean how bratty and stupid of him! ARG.... If he doesn't want to sit with me that's fine. I only really want to sit with him alot when Court's not there because I don't really like to sit with Shelly. ( Now I do love Shelly but I get distracted when she can't sit still and ... I dunno.. I like stittin' with Court.) So anywho... I'll make certain to sit with the girls next Sunday.

I got to study with Brooke and Caleb this afternoon. We met at Barnes & Noble and got a decent bit accomplished. Caleb and I got so tired of the calculus we got off on Paul shoulda been the first pope and not Peter and how there shouldn't be a pope at all and how time is a continue-um (aight... I really can't think how to spell it right now) and time dilation has something to do with coming infinitely close to the speed of light and isn't a jump in time's continuity. And then we decided we'd gotten in over our heads and went back at the calculus. :)... they can make me very annoyed but I do adore my "lost boys". Somedays they can be so interesting a sweet. Like Graham Bryant was being unusually sweet today in church... I'm not sure why... he still teased and such but there wasn't the hint of meanness that there can be with the Graham-boys. I got so see Nathan on Thursday too. My how I've missed having him around... I'll have to post pics of him soonly... he has a new gottee that he is very proud of. :) Kathryn says it makes him look like he didn't just escape middle school and (among other things) look like quite the hottie. I don't know about hottie... but it definitely looks good. :)

lol...Wouldn't I just be mortified if anyone beyond my girls ever got ahold of my blog address? But it does feel good to get this junk out. And I do feel a bit more obliged to keep it up to some extent since Hannah's away at school and I don't get to talk to my Becks as much. By the way... Becks.. I've tried to post comments several times at Daught of Isaac and it won't let me!!! So don't think I've been neglecting to read your blog... Hannah-Deeah.. I've gotten the fair pictures completely posted and I'm working on pictures from Jay's birthday and what we did to his car. They're at megapix.myphotoalbum.com . So that's all here for tonight. I've got a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I love you all and I love you my Jesus and Rescuer.

Cleaning Day

Today was a good day. I think yesterday and today have been the only good days this week. But that's okay. They are good and that's all that matters :). Yesterday we had to paint/write on Jason's car twice. But in a way I'm glad... we did better the second time... ;). I'll have pictures up on my album as soon as they have their server back online. But today I've been getting caught up on calculus and doing some much needed house cleaning. I got in some much needed Bible study time too... well kinda. It wasn't nearly as much time as I normally spend or would even like to spend but it was still good. I've joined the dance team at church recently and Miss Angie (Graham's mom) encourages us to dance in our quiet time too so that's what I did. After the stress I've been feeling lately it was like coming into a calm. I need to do that more often - dance/Bible study I mean. I'm finally feeling closer to being on top of things with calc now. Wanna know something crazy? I dreamed last night that I was integrating (tan x)^2 and I did it and it was no problem and it made perfect sense and the whole solution was perfect trig and the like and was totally correct. Now, it's not beyond me to dream about math. I'd say that's why I've not been sleeping very well is because most nights I'm dreaming about math that doesn't have mathmatical solutions or that i can't solve. So this dream was really weird in that I was able to solve it, but upon waking I figured it was just something Val had done in class or I had already figured in my homework. While I was working on 7.3 homework today, I had an integrand boil down to tan x squared. So I just went digging through my notes and my homework looking for it. I scoured and looked everywhere and couldn't find the integral of tan squared anywhere. Then, of course, I remembered my fundemental identity that tan squared is equal to secant squared minus 1. And of course Val had done secant squared in class. And then it hit me... I had no idea about integrating tan squared before last night and I had just dreamed about doing a problem I didn't know I'd have to do and not only that but had solved it correctly in my dream. Isn't that bazzar? Kinda cool.. but strange :).

I got to talk to Hannah Deeah today!! :D:D:D I'm glad. I miss that girl. :) I miss Nathan too. I guess I need to quit being my weird self about talking on telephones and call the boy. He has verizon.. I have no excuse. Kathryn still has my DVDs. I want my Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood back... I need to call her too.

(My comp is updating and validating and who knows what else and is being slow *quizzical expression*)

I finally got my seemingly endless array of books (at least the ones in my closet) on my new bookshelf today. I'm very pleased. I have such a wonderful selection of educational horsey books. There are other great books to. But right now I'm adoring my horsey books.

Oh I don't think I've posted this yet but I have my own nation. Yup! Believe it! I am the sole ruler of the Queendom of East Meganopolis. (I wanted it to just be "the Queendom of Meganopolis but it was already taken.) Anywho it's a part of Nation States and it's some kind of free online role play/goverment/UN sort of game? I haven't figured anything out yet really except I got to make my own flag which I'm really proud of and I spend entirely too much time online reading the description of my nation and noticing how it changes as I make legislative decisions. It's terribly addictive. I don't get to do the write up you see about my nation but I do get to pick what region my nation exsists in and my national motto, animal, and currency. Overall the stupid thing seems rather liberal but still I enjoy it. I'm thinking about leaving the West Pacific for Middle Earth though. I'm such a nerd sometimes. I'm actually wasting time blogging about my nation %) %)... ah well.. such is my life. At least I didn't name it something like "The Solidarity of the M*A*S*H* 4077"... I watch entirely too much M*A*S*H*.... I think I need to go to bed. But anywho... I wanted to make a post when I'm in a better mood... the ones I make when I'm grouchy and feeling overwhelmed don't sound too great :). Oh the stuff in italics in my last post are songs incase anyone was wondering.. I still can't remember the name of the artist who did the first song but when I do I'll lecha know.
Okie... I'm off for tonight. I love ya, my peeps.. stay strong.

I need You

I need more time
I need more money
I need more advice
I need more love

I need another chance
An open hand
I need more grace and pretty face

I need happiness
I need an escape
I need more sleep
And I need to feel safe

What this all comes down to... is I need You.

When will this week end? Granted I had fun on Friday with Court and Jay and Jessie and Caleb and lawnmower boy (Eric) and Justin. But I about "had it" with Jay and Justin. Just too much "boy" for one day. I still haven't posted pics from that fair trip. Church was kinda boring on Sunday except Laurel asked me to lead grow group next week. That freaked me out but I've emailed her and told her I would... if God sees fit to stretch me in that way then so be it. Monday started with a nasty mood swing and no sleep. And a really long day. I was suppose to study yesterday and ended up going to Jackson's (western tack store) with Courtney and Jason and Graham and Caleb. Calculus 2 is kicking my butt big time right now folks. How amusing my daydream of beating Brian's grade. I'll be happy for a "C" on the next test at this point. I haven't been able to focus at all this week. Tomorrow is Jay's birthday and we're gonna celebrate it on Friday. I called Court today about the gift that we were going to get him together and she told me that Eric had asked her if Caleb and I were going together. Mom has been saying that Caleb has a crush on me though I've brushed it off. So maybe it is true? Heck I dunno. I hope not. I love the kid to pieces but... 4 years younger? Just not wise.

The sun is set
The sky is clear
And I'm left wondering why I'm still standing here
Looking back on days we spent
When we lived and loved without a safty net

Now things have changed and will never be the same
I need a place to rest my weary head...

Catch me when fall
Save me from the tears
Though I might look strong
I'm not as I appear
Though I might seem brave
I'm really sad and lonely
Hear me when I call
In a voice so faint and small
Catch me when I fall...

Close my eyes and sing a song
Longing for a love that's deep and strong
Letting go of days we spent
I'll live and love until I find him yet
Some things have changed and'll never be the same
Until I find a place to rest my weary head.
~ "Catch Me When I Fall"

How is it I can miss someone who hasn't really been apart of my life for a while? And yet I miss him. I wish he were here. But why? Would we even have a good time? Would he even like my friends? I guess I just wish I could share a good/happy time instead of confrontation and arguing. Arg. And mom's irritated with me because I haven't been pulling my part of the load around here lately. How does one stinking calculus class make everything so dang helter-skelter? LIFE IS A CONFUSING MESS! Animal crackers are a good constant in life. There aren't enough hours in a day and even if there were I'm not getting sound enough sleep to make good of them. How the heck am I suppose to lead a Bible study when I'm so messed up? How am I suppose to help my friends keep on God's path when I'm blinded and can't find it for myself? Why can't I crawl in a hole and sleep good refreshing sleep and find it all vanished and life great again? WHY IS LIFE SO DANG STRESSFUL? *sigh* Somewhere in all this I'm suppose to find satifaction in God. Oh that He would give me a place to rest "my weary head"!... and so I must end tonight. I love you, Lord and I love ya'll.

I'm not prone to surveys...

...but I found this one posted on Arthur's former roomate's blog. If Dane (his ex-roomie) were better behaved with his language, I would give a link to his blog. But to protect the reputation of my blog and too keep from clogging up the minds of my readers with junk, I won't. But I will post my answers to the survey :).

Have You:
( ) smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar
( ) made out with a member of the same sex (That's disgusting)
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
( ) been in love
( ) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) snuck out of your parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
( ) eaten Sushi
( ) eaten snails
( ) played with an exotic animal
(x) been snowboarding
( ) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
( ) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
( ) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
(X) touched a snake
( ) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
( ) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) won a contest
(x) run a red light
( ) been suspended from school
( ) been in a car accident
( ) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
( ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
( ) witnessed a crime
( ) pole danced NEVER!
(x) questioned your heart
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
( ) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
( ) played cops and robbers
( ) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
( ) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
( ) made prank phone calls
( ) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
( ) made out in the rain
( ) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
( ) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach
( ) crashed a party or meeting
(x) gone roller-skating
(x) had a wish come true
( ) never have been on a date or been in a relationship
( ) break-dance
(x) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) ate dog/cat/rat food (all this stuff is gross... The smell is enough to keep me from trying it..now horse feed ;))
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them and obviously didn't mean it
( ) kissed a mirror
(x) sang in the shower
(x) have a little black dress
(x) had a dream that you married someone
( ) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole ( don't lick flag poles thank you )
( ) kissed a fish
( ) pushed someone through a window
( ) worn the opposite sexes clothes.
( ) been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
( ) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
( ) didn’t take a shower for a week
(x) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
( ) are scared to watch scary movies alone sometimes
( ) believe in ghosts
( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes (I don't but June does!)
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) gone streaking
( ) played ding-dong-ditch
( ) played chicken
( ) got pushed in a pool with clothes on( no but I've been dumped in a river w/my clothes on)
( ) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
(x) broken a bone (multiple bones)
(x) been easily amused
(x) caught a fish then ate it
( ) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
( ) cried so hard you laughed
( ) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
( ) cheated on a test
( ) have a Britney Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone’s name
(x) French braided someone’s hair
( ) gone skinny dipping

Anywho... I just found this interesting. Sorry this isn't a "real" post but I just thought it would be interesting for tonight... love ya'll!

Right now.. in this moment.. I hate springs

I hold an extreme distaste for the forces that cause them to be stretched beyond their natural lengths, and I resent that the work done to accomplish this is usually measured in Joules. I also hold little appreciation for zeros as place holders when there are more than three. (The fact that I continually lose track of how many I have is irrelevant. They should give us problems with smaller answers.) I loath 1 meter pipes on top of cylinder tanks of water that lay on their sides, and I don't favor lifting ropes that hang over buildings for the sheer joy of knowing how the force of gravity (weight) of them changes as I lift them. Well, to be honest I'd rather lift a rope than a leaky bucket. I can halfway see a reason to knowing the work needed to lift a rope but why on earth a leaky bucket?! No one's going to use one. And if they're in a situation in which they'd be forced to they're not likely going to have the time to sit there and do the math.... unless they're an over intelligent Robinson Crusoe. In that case, Nathan and Brian can just enjoy themselves. We'll send a boat out to check on them every couple of months until they get tired of being rugged mathmaticians ;). *Sigh* :) No, I'm not really that upset with calculus 2. I just needed to rant about.

Jason and Caleb went out and got new hardware for my guitar a few days ago. Today Jay replaced all the broken pieces and keys (which wasn't particularly easy and required "afro rigging" in Jason's terms). But it's all in one piece now and I even have it re-strung. I just need a tuner to get it tuned. But over all I'm pleased. It was an enjoyable hour fixing it. Jason worked on it and I worked on calculus. The cafeteria was pleasantly empty and quiet. I don't know if I have a point in saying this but it was relaxing to not talk much and just listen to Jay whistle and sing to himself as he fixed my guitar. And I got 2 homework problems done. I'm sorry Caleb didn't have the time to hang out. Granted, it wouldn't have been as quiet, but I enjoy Caleb and Jay's combined company. Yup, they're good brothers :).

On that note I miss having Nathan around. And Courtney somehow. I guess because of school schedules she and I just don't get as much time together as we did this summer. And it's obvious why I miss Nathan. He's not here.... stupid gas prices... there's a concert up at Ap.St. which would have been the perfect excuse to go see him and Isaac but the half tank of gas or so to get there is just too much. And stupid gas prices kept me from going to Camille's bonfire thing tonight. That rather stinks too. I miss Hannah too. I know she's 17 but she really did add to the maturity level at the lunch table. Or we just click... or both :). I just know that now I feel run over by youg'uns. Perhaps that will change. I hear that they've approved a N.C. lottery. I don't approve of that but on the bright side it's going to be run like Ga. lottery. All the profits go for free in-state college education. I just hope it doesn't have to be to a public institution. I'd be nothing for me to whack out a farm management or theraputic riding degree at St. Andrews College.

Welp... I need to get goin'.. I had hoped to post more than this but no so for tonight. I love ya'll.

Las cosas claras y el chocolate espeso.

(Ideas should be clear and chocolate thick.)

Rather than find my own words I believe I shall quote what another has said in her blog. ( Disclaimer: I'd give a link but I wasn't personally given the individual's addy... I just happened across it... so just know the following block quote isn't my original words... though I identify entirely with them today.)

Being a senior in college is hard. I honestly feel like I don't
belong anywhere . . . last night I went to the welcome back dance and felt
really awkward. (Of course, that could describe pretty much every dance
I've been to, including the ones where I took dates, but whatever.)
Student teaching really contributes to this feeling of isolation, too,
because in a sense I'm working in the fully-adult circle as well as studying in
college. I don't feel carefree and fun-loving enough to be a college
student, nor do I want to feel studious and serious enough to be, well, grown
up. It's weird, and it's creating some even weirder mood shifts. Was
the end of high school this emotional? I can't remember, but all I know is
I really need to belong somewhere.

Granted, I'm not a senior... I'm just there. Which in a way makes it even worse, everyone is younger. In fact the majority of the kids I hang with are still in highschool. There are exceptions of course. *sigh* I do love them all dearly. I just feel stuck at another really weird place. I'm living at home... which I really don't mind.... but I'm certainly old enough to be on my own. I can drink alcohol legally (which I don't do very often). I'm old enough to get married, but there isn't a single elegible guy my age, which in all honesty I really shouldn't be complaining. Am I not the one who has preached so oft' "Wait for God! Don't date until God says "okay"! He has someone awesome out there for you! Wait for His timing!"? And I don't doubt that. He does have someone out there for me. But I'm one of the few I know who has any business dating. And I shouldn't be thinking any of this anyway. My focus should be on God and His love for me and sharing His love for others with those others. But then there are 17 year old boys who flirt... and the terrifying thing is I'll throw it back at 'em and then go "Dang! No! He's 17. Ignore the flirting... flirting back is bad! :-S!" And then there are 14 year old campers I haven't seen in a year who call my home # to talk to me... a boy that is, who identified me to his dad as "the Greek goddess".... who I have no idea what to do with. It could be an innocent phone call, but he's asked me to dinner with his family before. Our families don't know each other and doesn't that just strike you as weird??? *sigh* I wish - What do I wish? That life were simpler? *weak smile* I don't think that's possible. It'd be nice though wouldn't it? Well, I'll stop whining here and go read Hannah-Deeah's latest post.... and see if Becca's posted anything. Someday thoughts will be as clear as they should, and chocolate the perfect thickness for the moment ;).

Life's Unquiet Dream

"Thy light alone- like mist o'er mountains driven, Or music by the night
wind sent. . . Gives grace and truth to life's unquiet dream." ~
Shelley

Hannah has this quote in the beginning of her blog like I have Isa. 62:4. How much truth there is to that... I don't know if Shelley was speaking of a person or not but to the believer Thy light alone is what gives us the grace and truth to live in our unquiet dream. How unquiet that dream can be. It dwells in all of us...lol... how funny to say that. It can't dwell in us. We are living in it. That's why it touches all of our lives.

Buckwheat pancakes taste weird.

Cinderella Man is an intense movie. It was very good, but I'm not sure I want to see it again for awhile. I'm definitely not one for boxing.

How easily the world twists love and acceptance the way God ment it to be. I understand how a friend of mine could have preffered the experience he had with some people in a bar in comparison with some of the experiences he's had in church. But does he not realize why there's the difference? The people in the bar were just being themselves. Christains are so rarely focused and saturated in God enough that being themselves truly reflects Jesus. That's sounds hollow or dogmatic or something now that I've said it. And who knows... I'm probably the worst at being judgemental. I really need to work on that - not judging others. *biting lip*... but there is calling friends to accountablity. *sigh*...

God give me the strength and love to be a reflection of You today and everyday.

Chocolat

I just finished watching that movie. I loved it. Aye, one fast forward part but otherwise quite lovely. I particularly love the music. It's so fitting to the theme and it really makes me want to get up and dance. I wonder if Kathryn has heard of it - the movie or the music. I'm fairly certain she'd at least love the music. It's good dancing stuff. hmmm.... chocolate. *happy content smile* ;)

Welp, dear sir continues to be angry at me though now silent. It's the silence I don't like. I can handle being "yelled" at just fine. Unlike my dear Becca, I am fire and rain, but ice I cannot bear. *confused but thoughtful expression* "Some say the world will end in fire,/ Some say in ice..". "I've seen fire and I've seen rain/I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end/I've seen lonely time when I could not find a friend/But I always thought that I'd see your face again."

I've had a fairly nice week. Mom and I went shopping on Monday. We found wonderous sales at Bath & Body Works *sheepishly happy smile* and the furniture store. She found a lovely mirror in the mission oak style and we found a much needed bookcase for my room.
Hurrah!Hurrah! Hurrah for room for books to live happily! Hurrah! :D :D :D
How dear books are. I bought Tuck Everlasting on Monday and just finished reading it for the first time today. What an enchanting read. I've completely fallen in love with it, and though I haven't seen the movie I'm still glad I got the copy with the 1975 cover. It's just the way the pond ought to be. It's such a God thing, I think, to have read it when I have. I had no idea when I picked it up that it was set in the first 2 weeks of August. How much more perfect could it get? I only picked it up because Dominique had said it was a great movie and the book was considered a children's book. I suppose it is a children's book but it was so beautiful. :) What a happy thing the two aren't mutually exclusive, eh? :)

I guess that's all I have to post about. I'd really like to hit the sack. I thank God for days of satisfaction in Him, and that satisfied days are as equally inevitable as those that aren't.

Ordinary and Interesting Days

I don't even know if I want to go into everything that's happened the past week. I guess if I took the time to post nightly I wouldn't have to now would I? *wry smile*

I emailed a certain someone about a week or two ago and then I sent another one this Saturday. As I guessed, he didn't like either and finally emailed me back on Sunday. I mean "finally" in that all I ever get from him are "hey haven't seen you online how are you i'm great" sort of emails and this time I finally got an email of some substance. Yeah he was mad but I now know he actually thinks. %) This is good. I spent all day on a reply. Yeah I know; I'm nuts. But it took me awhile to get over being livid with him, and once I did that I had to write a reply and after that I prayed over it for about an hour. Sheesh. I know I want to marry a guy (not this one particularly) but sometimes I wonder about my sanity. If I didn't want kids so much I think I might just become a nun and get the "Studs & Stallions" calendar and just have to repent for it *silly but tired smile*. Somewhere over the rainbow... there's my dude. **very sheepishly goofy grin**

I "found" two "lost" friends this week. Friday I found Sergio (we had religion together and he's an awesome apologist). Mom and I were at the Christian book store and we saw his CD's for sale there and while we were making over them the lady behind the counter told us he works there in the afternoons. I haven't stopped by to see him yet but I'm just pleased to know he's doing okay and is able to sell his music. :) And then Sunday at church I talked to Daniel Baiera for the first time since we were 13 or 14 years old. I've seen him and his parents at church but I hadn't talked to him yet so yesterday was the day. We exchanged email addresses and he's invited me to go to the Bible study at Crossroads. He's into horitculture of all things. I mean I think it's great... it's really important to aggie(agricultural) people like me but he just never struck me as being that type when we were kids.

I got to see a dressage show over the weekend that had International qualifiers! I was pretty excited. A lady I had shown against 5 years ago was in that category. Go Sandy Gaines!!! I'm not sure how she did but she looked great to me. I should have some pictures of that up shortly at my photo blog (megapix.myphotoalbum.com).

I worked with Laurel and Brian at the Asheville Lyric Opera booth at Bele Chere the last weekend in July. That was a blast. We got to see Nicole C. Mullen in concert and Denver and the Mile High Orchestra (Laurel knows one of the trumpet players). I like volunteering for the Opera. :)

Aight... I'm just brain frazzled so I'll say good night. :) Here's to bright, bright, bright sunshiney days! :):)

Butter Churn

I went down to Living Waters yesterday to visit. I was good but it churned things up in me. When I first got there I was concerned things wouldn't be good... everyone was grumpy. But it was hot and somethings were people's own fault. It was good to see the, for lack of a better word, "grandma" ladies. I love them. They're always so good to me, and I don't think I've ever gotten as thoroughly tired of them as I can get of other people.

Hannah didn't get to go with me. I kinda wish she had. But oh man. Dani woman unnerved me a bit. She won't go to the Warren-Wilson contradances because she sad people are practically manifesting out there and the demonic is so thick she simply won't go. I know there are people I typically wish to avoid though I haven't been able to put a finger to why. And Dani can't stand Asheville for the same reason. I practically live here and I hardly notice it. Have I become that dull? It concerns me. Can you live in that sensitivity all the time? Does God call others to more sensitivity than others? I mean there was one time Art was saying this lady in Thailand went in fetal position on the street laughing at him and some of the white people he was with. The first thing that popped in my spirit was it was a demonic manisfestation. Arthur just thought Thais rarely see "farongs"(whites) and thought he and his friends were funny. I want to know how such a westernized society gets away with whites being so rare that they are a specticle when they are around. I mean, not many farongs may live there but come on... I've heard Thailand is a favorite vacation spot for the Swedes and such. And you're telling me he and his buddies are rare, funny-by-mere-existence white boys? *sigh* I don't know what to think sometimes.

I got to see Maggie and Steven though! Maggie was polite but didn't have much to do with me (which wasn't surprising) and Steven was a sweetie. He's growin' up though... but that's to be expected right? :):) I love the dear boy and he's growing up and the changes are good. They just make me feel old sometimes.

Dr. John was there and it was so good to talk to him. He ask me how I was doing and when I said "Good" he said "No, how are you doing? Really." and I told him the truth that this feels like a wating limbo sort of place and it's hard sometimes.... sometimes getting married seems like it'd solve my problems but that I think I'm finally really getting a grasp on the fact that getting married and all isn't what's going to satisfy me. It's going to be as equally as hard if not harder that life right now. And anywho he was just encouraging that when you finally come to that point that you're truely not looking and you really have decided to be happy as you are and wait on Him, it seems He almost immeadiately gives you what you've most desired. John said it happened that way with him and Susan and with B.J. and Pam and be still and trust. He knows the desires of my heart and He will see them fulfilled.

I think, all I really want from life is to be at peace. And happy. :) But I suppose I have two ultimate fantisies right now. 1) I close my eyes and lean back against a warm chest with strong arms around me and smile in the security and am at peace. 2) Cantering on a horse... even jumping seems like all most too much to ask... but to be on the back of a horse.. and to be spending time with horses...

God help me find the time and regain the will to get back into horses. I think Mom doubts my love for them or at least my will to continue. I want to continue. I love them. It's just that they were a dream I had to kill to be able to make it through school, and I guess it's just scary to pick it up again because I don't know if I could handle dying to it again.

"Have I said anything about dying to it again? If you are to ever go away from horses, it will not be a death. Any more than your time ending at Living Waters hasn't been a death but a growing past something. No, you'll never grow past horses, but you will not be asked to let them go in pain without some glorious thing coming in occupying your time. No, school was not glorious, though you will not regret the sacrifice. I will not ask you to do that again. You may go on with school. But it won't be painful and it won't feel so nearly as much like an end. This isn't an end, my love, this is only a beginning. I love you, my dear. I love you. "

C Is For Cookie

And for the constant you add on to the anitderivative. One of the guys I work with came up with that. When you take the antiderivative (or integral) it's somewhat easy to for get to add your unknown constant on to the end. But! If you sing "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me" and think of Cookie Monster (which is likely a far more entertaining thought) when you're doing integrals you won't forget your constant. Of course I knew ya'll were just dying to know that ;). I'm glad to have been able to release you from your untimely death. Live long and satisfied with your days :).

And ya know what? I like that Thai people take off their shoes before going into houses. I know sounds kinda random, but I was at the Ferree's house last night and we always take off our shoes when we go in, except this time I went through the back door and they have a shoe rack there. I just reminded me of what Art had said in his blog about the Thai people and taking off one's shoes before entering. I think it's both polite to the lady of the house not to track dirt in and I think it's so welcoming of the family. To me it says "You're welcome and at home here. Kick off your shoes and sit a spell." and subconsiously Don't track dirt into my clean house! :) I just like it. We need a nice shoe rack at our house and I want to do the same thing in my home. It's a good thing. I think it would behoove southern society to accept it. It would behoove the American society as a whole, of course, but southerners set the pace for genteelness and therefore should accept it immediately.

Don't watch the movie Be Cool if you can help it. It's so stupid and has far more sexual crap than was necessary for the movie. And it's stupid and doesn't have much of a plot to speak of. The only part that I really enjoyed was John Trivolta dancing. Man! What I wouldn't give to be able to dance like that. It was some form of spiced up waltz or ballroom and man it rocked. He had such lovely rhythm. And he was sooo smooth. Ah! I drool to dance like that man. But he had light pink lipstick/gloss/some such on the whole movie. That was disturbing. On a whole the movie isn't worth watching.

I very much enjoyed Bourne Identity. Bourne Supremacy makes so much more sense now. And he went back for her. I love that. And he didn't kill the guy because of the kids. I love that too. Mr. Howard's comment though was she musta really liked the hair cut. I like that he had a lovely knack for washing hair. It's so wonderful to have someone wash your hair for you.... too bad he didn't have a knack for cutting it. *silly sigh*

I have such a strong impluse right now to dance. Not any fast-hyper dance but a slow, smooth 3 beat dance. Yeah, a waltz, but relaxed and dream-like. .... lost in thought... Oh that life's pen did not scratch and scrape so across my life's paper! God needs to switch to ball point. *impish smile* But plain lines would not be so beautiful as calligraphy.

I've wasted entirely too much time today. I've slept 'til noon and been on here 'til 3:30 pm. I need to do Bible study and accomplish some things. I love you all and my Heavenly Daddy especially so...

Megs

The Dark Sacred Night

The title is one of my favorite lines from "What a Wonderful World" sung by Louis Armstrong. :) I'll never forget the time Jason was walking me back to my truck after a class and we still didn't know each other very well and I said I liked Louis Armstrong and being the music freak and lover of oldies that Jason is, he started picking at me with Armstrong trivia that of course any true fan should know. I only know that I like "Wonderful World" and "Hello Dolly", so I was utterly lost. :)

Greg (the guy who asked me out with a graphing calculator last semester) has been stopping by math lab to hang out every now and then because he has a half hour break between classes and doesn't always have friends to hang with then. He came in today and told me he had a dream about me last night. He said he dreamed that we were at a big university and I was part of a dance team and that I was dancing all around campus. He knows nothing of the call on my life to dance. Isn't that just weird? God speaks to us in mysterious ways? He's a nice guy but I'm not particularly interested. *shrug* 'Course that doesn't mean I throw the dream out.

I really do love dancing but I'm getting picky. I like dancing with guys who I share brain vibes with if you know what I mean. They're the guys I don't have to think... we feel the music and the dance comes out the same in both of us. It's ever such a lovely feeling. I reeeeally want to marry a guy like that.

I got to tutor a chemistry person today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D And I knew what I was doing and it made sense to me and to the girl I tutored. I'm so excited! Chemistry makes my brain happy. I still don't like Keith. He came in today to find out what hours he's working in the fall. I don't think he likes me either. It's good feelings are mutual.

Life must be a whirlwind and I suppose the consistency is God's love and the ever spinning of the whole deal. But life is far better than hell. Wanna know how I know? I've found the exact definition of hell.

Hell: the place where you are locked in your own personal tanning bed
in eternal summer with no airconditioning and a thousand mosquitos and gnats are
constantly tormenting you and everytime you open your eyes there's a math word
problem or a pointless and utterly boring essay question that you MUST answer
and when you close your eyes there's a voice reading the question to you and
demanding an answer all the while the gnats are buzzing your face and ears and
the mosquitos are eating you alive. Occassionally a recording of people selling
AM-Way or timeshares or perhaps Jehova Witnesses will play just as you start to
understand what ever tormenting question is asked of you. Or a
tellemarket-er will call and you will be forced to answer
it. And this will continue for ever.

That, my friends, is the definition of hell. I've been in tanning bed and no ac. I've been tormented by gnats and mosquitoes. I've had to answer hideous academic questions. And I've chased off Jehova Witnesses. I havn't been made to live through the telemarket-ers. But as you can see I've compiled quite a vivid picture of what hell is or will or would be. (Note: I didn't add some of the other things like stupid people and audits by the IRS because they'll likely be too busy paying their own dues to be bugging their unfortunate commrades.)

Enough talk of the unhappy things in life :). I've gotten to ride a horse a good bit lately. It's been good. I guess I haven't posted any 4th of July or semi-formal pics have I? Perhaps I will after I post this. The semiformal was put on by Kathryn and some of her Catholic friends. It was in an Episcopal church and their pictures are absolutly confusing. I mean it looks like Catholic symbolism but then they fling jewels all across their artistry and really confuse whatever you thought they were trying to say through it. But the decoration of the fellowship hall was lovely for the Midsummer-Night's Dream theme of the party. And there was good music and dancing. It was good. And I got to meet Nathan's interest Meredith. She's such a dolly. And Mr. Vish took an darling picture of Kathryn and Chase together. I suppose if they can't work things out I'm at least glad they're friends. Chase is so much fun yet I never feel like he's being bad abandoning Kat. :) But anywho... I'd better get going.. that's just some random info on my life.

Well, one other thing. Being ready to get married doesn't just "happen" to you. Those days you really question whether or not you really are ready to are the days you come that much closer to being "there". And it doesn't just hit you. It creeps up on you bit by bit and you realize a lot of it is there but you truely do wonder if it's enough. I think that's how maturity and being ready to get married come about. They creep and grow very slowly so that you really don't realize how much maturity and strength in God you really have. So anywho.. I'm done with my soap box now.... I love you all and good night! (I love you Heavenly Daddy!!)

Foxy Roxy

Surgeon Megan's Warning:

Let it be known that no one should drink wine on an empty stomache even if it doesn't cause intoxication or upset stomache. There are other "members" furthur on down the line who aren't appreciative of alcohol w/o a meal. And I also have a strange pain in my ear that goes into my jaw. But my admonishment about the wine is more important at this point.

More interesting matters:

I went to a gala last night! It was the end of the season party for Asheville Lyric Opera, and Laurel invited me, Brian, Erica, Shelly and Phil to help out. For helping out, a lady in charge invited us young people to join the Young Adult Opera Guild of Asheville. We all joined so now, (as far as I know) the Young Adult Opera Guild is now composed of Brian, Erica, Phil, Shelly, Laurel (the founder of course) and me. I'm not joking! It's a real deal. There just aren't that many of us yet, but it does mean that if we work as ushers and/or help clean up after galas we get to attend operas and galas for free. Sounds like a sweet enough deal to me. Free opera, finger food, live music (at galas), and wine tasting. One should just eat plenty before tasting wine.

In the other news, our new peer tutor at work (John) has decided to name me "sunshine" and "Foxy Roxy". And he brought me coffee from Starbucks this moring. That's kinda weird but I guess he's just that sweet. He's such a libral though. It's rather sad; he truely is quite intelligent and well read/watched, but he's still politically misguided and delusional. I guess no one can be perfect, eh? Oh, and since he knows how much I dislike Josh, he's begun to tease me about "has your boyfriend been by yet?". But it's not entirely unpleasant. He knows I don't like Josh so since he's just trying to annoy me... I dunno. For whatever reason it doesn't get on my nerves. Rather than irritating me it feels more like a joke on Josh. *shrug*

It's rained three days in a row (of course if you live in Asheville this is no surprise to you). That hasn't been helpful for the "get back into horses" campaign. I worked Nick 4 days prior to the rain and though working a horse does "cramp" my social life I have dearly missed it. I feel so torn about quitting working and not taking classes. I'm sick of school/tutoring/the like to be sure, but when I mentioned my inclinations to mom she pretty much let me know she thinks I'm nuts for letting go of a good paying job at this point. She doesn't know what it's like to do math all day... no matter how easy. I enjoy teaching quick learners, but slow learners are getting on my nerves. And they shouldn't. There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking more time to learn something than most people. But I just want to take a torch to the fog in their minds and it's getting harder to find a constructive way to do that. God give me patience and teach me to love them like You love them - but hurry. :S :)

Dominique's dad is in the hospital in ICU last I heard. He's prolly out of ICU at this point but he's still in critical condition I think. He's had fainting spells and he recently had one in which he fell and hit his head very hard. Apparently there's still some brain swelling, but the good part is he recognizes everyone. I think everyone's fairly shaken up over that one, so if you think to... please keep Mr. Marin in your prayers.

I could whip Brian. He's being girl crazy and if you want my opinion (which you better ;) you are reading my blog), it's just because Travis is married and his sister got married at 18 and he wants somebody. Don't we all want somebody!? But that's not criteria to date! For heaven's sake, if I dated all the boys I thought I wanted when I wanted them I'd be in pretty sorry shape right now - either heartbreak hotel or hook-him city. It's a struggle (don't I know) but I want something that's gonna last. I want to be hugged and cuddled more than anything right NOW in this very moment, but that doesn't mean I should cuddle up with the first Christian guy within 2 years of me I can find. It means I focus on God and remind Him that He is my Rescuer and my Redeemer. And remind Him that in Psalms He promises to satisfy me in the morning. And God doesn't know how to lie. He always comes through for us. I have to believe that inspite of the moments like now when I wonder when my heart will be satisfied. But it will.

I very much want to put my opinion of Arthur up here right now. Heck I've said everything else about him haven't I? He's being a shallow little dork. He looks like a dork in his Thailand pictures. And his blog, while factually interesting, is shallow. How so? In compairison to Nathan's trail blog, he's all superfical and there's no soul left to him. I believe God will change him back to the man he use to be instead of this shallow silly boy he has become. I look very much foward to it. Yeah so Art and Nathan aren't the same guy. I know that and I'm glad of that but that doesn't give Arthur permission to be shallow. There was soo much depth to him before he went to college. I'll be glad when it comes back. I thank You that You are faithful and that You'll bring him back. Thank You for showing him who his true friends are (you should read the posts his "friends" school have left. They're a bunch of idiots. I know I'm not being gracious but... it jus makes me so mad that he puts so much importance on these people who aren't worth the time investment he makes in them. He gave up Living Waters... Living Waters... to go on a retreat with these people. Yes we should be a light but we certainly shouldn't give up our dearest source of spiritual encouragement for those seem to only profess superfical Christianity of any form. I mean, right now, I have a lot more respect for the Vishes than Arthur. They encourage me more in my faith than he who I've grown up with and grown in the faith with. That's just sad. And it breaks my heart... and it makes me angry that I still allow him to break my heart. But then I remember 1 Cor. 13 and loving like God loves opens our hearts to be hurt. But we must continue to love until love itself heals the pain of loving. Oh to walk in love like God does!!

Mom has become NBA draft possessed. She's livid that Chris Paul has gotten so much attention, and they didn't even bother to interview Jarret Jack. It's all political and rigged and just a big, painful, stupid joke. Good players gettin' second round to stupid idiots who play dirty, and highschoolers. That's just wrong. They discourage good sportsmanship and the experience of playing on a college team. It's corrupt and I'd rather not watch it. %)

Dang... I guess I sound like I'm complaining alot. :( On the whole I'm well off, I'm so glad my Hannah came and ate lunch with me on Monday. That made a really crappy day so much better. *soft musing smile* For all that Hannah has begged we don't forget her when she goes; I do pray she doesn't forget us when she has a new gang she hangs with. I hope she doesn't catch up on the apathy that's so rampant. And I pray somehow she slips under the radar of peer pressure to have a boyfriend. I want her to be happy. And in God's time that will be a boyfriend, but I feel rather certain for now that boyfriends aren't in the picture for any of us. God give us strength eh?

"O her eyes are amber-fine/Deep and dark as wells of wine." ~ James Whitcombe Riley

To close my eyes and have someone sweep me off into a beautiful waltz... and just get lost in the beauty and the music.... *sigh* I sound like an oxymoron don't I? "Don't let us be caught dating!" one minute and seeming male obessed the next. %) To be free from these chains of desire that enslave us!... to be free from our very selves? to not desire anything may not be good at all....

%)%)%)%)%)...think I better quit tonight. I'm musing/talking way too much. I love you all so much, and I love You, my Lord and my Rescuer.

Morning Rays - Waking Gold

Mornings rays on a waking world
Glorious, bright days no longer of old
Slowly one foot before the other - manifold
Thousands of souls lost
Lost in untamed laughter of foot
Lost in untamed mastery of soul
The music - life's music - taking ahold
Music claiming the feet
Joy possessing the soul.


~by Megan Redding

Arthur's take off 

Arthur in his plane 

"These people you gave me, Lord. They're so exhausting."