I've felt a blog post coming on for prolly 3 days now. Yet it's still a mish mash of stuff.
I wondered, when I first got back to the east from school what kind of summer it would be. There is still plenty of room for surprises but, I know now - to some extent - what kind of summer it is. It's a growth summer. But not a gut wrenching growth, though still uncomfortable. God's brought me face-to-face with at least 2 if not 3 deep seated fears and has said, "Now then, my child, will you walk with Me and let go of these fears?". And I am learning to open up my fists, acknowledge the pain or what pains I think may come... and walk through them with Him. None of those processes are complete. But I think I see a light and I know I will be in even a much better place on those fronts when I get back to school.
It's also a growth season with the horses. I've been learning so much. When I chose to love Stella (I had with held my love to some extent because she is not legally mine), she opened up to me and I could understand how to ask her to do what I want/need her to do and I understood her responses. She's made the decision to trust me. How God must rejoice when we do that. Stella and I fought over just about everything, before. Now she tells me she's not sure. I tell her I understand; it will be okay, please try? And she does. And when she gets the wrong answer it's okay... and when she gets the right answer we both get happy. We're like that with God you know... it's not following perfectly or being perfect He's looking for. It's willingness to keep trying until we get what He's after. It's allowing His love to be relentless in it's work in us. It's us not making Him stop when the healing of our wounds hurts, but saying, "This hurts, Abba. But I choose to trust You. Complete Your perfect work in me." And He is always faithful to do it.
I read a book called The Man Who Talks With the Flowers: the Intimate Life Story of George Washington Carver. In it Mr. Carver is quoted as saying the flowers will only release their deep secrets when you love them enough. Anything in this world is like that. If you'll let your heart go to it and choose to love something recklessly with God's love.... especially when it's something you love anyway... , it will open itself to you. There is such strong depth of conviction in my heart regarding this... I don't have words for it.
Driving home from work the other night, I stopped and watched my great-aunt's field in wonder. Ya know how fireflies tend to "sparkle"? They don't all light up at the same time? These fireflies hadn't heard about that. A few outsiders would twinkle for about 5 seconds and then a great group of them would all light up and drift upward together in a blanket of light for a second. The outsiders would sparkle for 5.. and then the groupies would repeat. It was breath taking. I missed the road to my house and had to drive backwards a little bit. *sheepish smile* It was worth it though.
I love wildflowers. I shall miss my jack-in-the-pulpit when I move west. And my turk's cap lily. Does trillium grow below 3,000 ft? I've even loved the wild onion this year. I'm hoping to take wild daisy and wild black-eyed susan seeds back to school with me to grow. I want to be back at school but in the same moment my heart aches at leaving my horsey babies behind. I really do ache for the day I can take them with me. It will be a very exciting time ;-).
I know how to drive the tractor!!!! That's pretty cool. And I really feel like we finally have a pasture management plan. Not that it's anywhere near what I want it to be but it's a begining. It feels very good to have that begining in solid reality and not just in my head.
I end with my new favorite verse:
"He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food." Job 36:16 (NIV)
"Oh, Job, don't you see how God's wooing you from the jaws of danger? How He's drawing you into wide-open places - inviting you to feast at table laden with blessings?" Job 36:16 (MSG)
