Blazing Autumn Fire

"1THEREFORE, SINCE we are justified (acquitted, declared righteous, and given a right standing with God) through faith, let us [grasp the fact that we] have [the peace of reconciliation to hold and to enjoy] peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One).
2Through Him also we have [our] access (entrance, introduction) by faith into this grace (state of God's favor) in which we [firmly and safely] stand. And let us rejoice and exult in our hope of experiencing and enjoying the glory of God." Romans 5:1-2 (AMP)

"By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise." Romans 5:1-2 (MSG)

"We find ourselves where we always hoped we might stand..." To punch through the crusty-ness of our existence and reach down and touch our hearts... and let the part of ourselves that has always wished but never dared, rise up and bloom outward... this is what Papa longs to do in us and through us daily. Papa doesn't burden us down with rules, expecting us to become what He calls holy in our own strength. He invites us in, offers us to take off our garment of life's burdens if we will, and experience the richness of life He purchased for us at the cross. "...let this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."(Matt. 26:39) For love, and the joy set before Him.. Jesus saw our sins.. and drank the cup anyway... so that we could be free. Simple? Yes.. heard it a thousand times? Yes, but let the reality sink in... Jesus drank in our every sin and every reason our hearts have ever condemned us so that we could stand where we always hoped we might. So.. don't let your sins drive you away... they've already been paid for. Shame is not yours... don't condemn yourself... Papa's already thrown wide the door of forgiveness...

My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him. Again, this is God's command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command. As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us.
1 John 3:18-24 (MSG)

Friends Don't Let Friends Buy Donuts

I've felt a blog post coming on for prolly 3 days now. Yet it's still a mish mash of stuff.



I wondered, when I first got back to the east from school what kind of summer it would be. There is still plenty of room for surprises but, I know now - to some extent - what kind of summer it is. It's a growth summer. But not a gut wrenching growth, though still uncomfortable. God's brought me face-to-face with at least 2 if not 3 deep seated fears and has said, "Now then, my child, will you walk with Me and let go of these fears?". And I am learning to open up my fists, acknowledge the pain or what pains I think may come... and walk through them with Him. None of those processes are complete. But I think I see a light and I know I will be in even a much better place on those fronts when I get back to school.



It's also a growth season with the horses. I've been learning so much. When I chose to love Stella (I had with held my love to some extent because she is not legally mine), she opened up to me and I could understand how to ask her to do what I want/need her to do and I understood her responses. She's made the decision to trust me. How God must rejoice when we do that. Stella and I fought over just about everything, before. Now she tells me she's not sure. I tell her I understand; it will be okay, please try? And she does. And when she gets the wrong answer it's okay... and when she gets the right answer we both get happy. We're like that with God you know... it's not following perfectly or being perfect He's looking for. It's willingness to keep trying until we get what He's after. It's allowing His love to be relentless in it's work in us. It's us not making Him stop when the healing of our wounds hurts, but saying, "This hurts, Abba. But I choose to trust You. Complete Your perfect work in me." And He is always faithful to do it.



I read a book called The Man Who Talks With the Flowers: the Intimate Life Story of George Washington Carver. In it Mr. Carver is quoted as saying the flowers will only release their deep secrets when you love them enough. Anything in this world is like that. If you'll let your heart go to it and choose to love something recklessly with God's love.... especially when it's something you love anyway... , it will open itself to you. There is such strong depth of conviction in my heart regarding this... I don't have words for it.

Driving home from work the other night, I stopped and watched my great-aunt's field in wonder. Ya know how fireflies tend to "sparkle"? They don't all light up at the same time? These fireflies hadn't heard about that. A few outsiders would twinkle for about 5 seconds and then a great group of them would all light up and drift upward together in a blanket of light for a second. The outsiders would sparkle for 5.. and then the groupies would repeat. It was breath taking. I missed the road to my house and had to drive backwards a little bit. *sheepish smile* It was worth it though.

I love wildflowers. I shall miss my jack-in-the-pulpit when I move west. And my turk's cap lily. Does trillium grow below 3,000 ft? I've even loved the wild onion this year. I'm hoping to take wild daisy and wild black-eyed susan seeds back to school with me to grow. I want to be back at school but in the same moment my heart aches at leaving my horsey babies behind. I really do ache for the day I can take them with me. It will be a very exciting time ;-).

I know how to drive the tractor!!!! That's pretty cool. And I really feel like we finally have a pasture management plan. Not that it's anywhere near what I want it to be but it's a begining. It feels very good to have that begining in solid reality and not just in my head.

I end with my new favorite verse:

"He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food." Job 36:16 (NIV)

"Oh, Job, don't you see how God's wooing you from the jaws of danger? How He's drawing you into wide-open places - inviting you to feast at table laden with blessings?" Job 36:16 (MSG)

Home Isn't a Place

Spring Break. Usually it's associated with getting drunk and "loved up" in Florida, but for me I went home to North Carolina and I learned some things. And I wouldn't have traded this spring break for the world. Never have I desired to see my horses so much, and I learned that really... I missed my family as well. I've had so many thoughts throughout the break on how to express the growth I've experienced, but when I sit down to pour it out it runs away. :-)

I'm slowly learning the mountains must dissipate in their importance in my heart. That is, home is not a place. Home is where God plants you, and where your loved ones are. Home can be in more than one place. You carry home with you in your heart, because God is your greatest (or should be your greatest) loved One, then comes your family, then friends and pets. I hated the mountains when we first moved there. They were such an immensely real obstacle to my early childhood and the life I left in Liberty. But they became a spiritual training ground for me in so many ways. I learned to walk with God in them, and I came to love them for their beauty and the strength, and presence of God I experienced in them. Then I learned to love them for the family history they hold. To be able to say my family had lived on this very piece of land in this very cove since before the Civil War was astonishing to me. I truly felt I had become a part of them. And perhaps I am, in that there will always be a familiarity, like a favorite, well-worn pair of boots. But it cannot last forever. I was aware more this time of having a little more of the mountains being "home" torn away from me. It wasn't violent, perhaps it could best be explained as a degree of what Eustace Scrub went through in the Chronicles of Narnia. I'm being un-mountained instead of un-dragoned. Yet I feel I shall never lose the spiritual inheritance I gained there. Living Waters will always be a home to my heart. I know I am always welcome there.

I've also come to the realization that Springfield is an ugly city. I know. That's obvious, but I was having a really difficult time figuring out how I could want "this place" to become home and dislike it so much. I don't want Springfield to be home. At all. Nada. But! I could surely live in the countryside of southern Missouri. I'm grateful "southern-ness" isn't being required of me to give up ;-). I'll never regret the time I've spent in North Carolina. But, in spite of my occasional questionings, my heart tells me it's time for me to move on.

I do look forward to my family being here. I didn't really realize that I missed them until now. Yet this alone-ness is good too. To quote C.S. Lewis in an out of context way, it "cures my illusions about myself and teaches me to depend on God".

Thoughts Laced With Song....

...or maybe it's the other way around....

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

~By Your Side, Tenth Avenue North

I'm sitting in the math major's lounge at school listing to one of my playlists on youtube, and reading different devotionals online. It's good stuff. And then I wandered by my friend Nathan's blog. It was just good. He's right. There's such a different in being where you experience joy and where you're simply existing or fighting to keep your existence. Last semester was certainly a bleary semester. I've certainly experienced God's joy this semester. I know it has to do with obedience and I hope for obedience in all things.

I will sing of Your mercy
Which leads through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy.

~ The Valley Song, Jars of Clay

Papa, thank You for Your mercies. Thank You for Your joy. I have been very hungry. Thank You for feeding me. Thank You for giving me water to drink. Thank you for restoring the song to my heart. I don't want to walk away from this. I love You. I want to stay right in the middle of Your will for all of my days.

It's the Voice that whispers my name
It's the kiss without any shame
Something beautiful

It's the child on her wedding day
It's the dad who gives her away
Something Beautiful

When we laugh so hard we cry
Oh the love between You and I
Something Beautiful


~Something Beautiful, Newsboys

So tell me all your dreams
Tell me all your fears and what you're longing for the most
It's not another way that'll end up the same for it's under my control

Do you feel the winds of change
Soon this weight will fall away
And take you to a place
Only found through these winds of change

A breeze that's new and free
New and free

I'll be the one who you can cry to
The one who will give you wings
I will give wings

~Winds of Change, Kutless

Wintery Mix

Massive wet snowflakes are falling once again, and in spite of my distaste for the cold, the snowfall is lending a sense of quiet contemplation to the day. It's crazy, really. Springfield isn't any more inclined than western NC to get snow, but I suppose this is just a snowy year for the places I call home.

Yeah, I'm calling Springfield home, or at least southern Missouri. I do look forward to living in the countryside towards Branson someday. But for now I'm in the college town that, according to mom "has everything you could possibly want and a few things twice!" She came back with me at the beginning of the semester and the prepetual snowy weekends have her stranded here with me until the middle of next week. It's not a bad thing; I just fear myself getting too spoiled and it being even harder when she leaves. But having someone else living with me has made me contemplate more whether or not marriage is really all that great. I know, it sounds a bit odd but... am I really capable of sharing my life well with another person? Friends are one thing. Family is another. Friends are people you love but leave behind at some point for your sanctuary or peaceful place. Family are friends who live in your sanctuary and your interactions with them will affect the peacefulness thereof. Of course relationships are rarely one sided, but I find my own selfishness frustrating. I think I've grown-up but I perpetually find myself a brat. Yes, I could shrug it off as the difficulty of child-parent interactions, but would I really be any different with a husband and/or children? Would I desire less time to myself? Would I be any better about not getting distracted and accomplishing what I wanted to accomplish instead of going off on another tangent? Is what I wanted to accomplish that day really that important? Or even if it's equally important do I have a right to feel disgruntled when I don't accomplish it and do accomplish something else equally important. But then, I've given up what I would call rights. I have rights to nothing good. So I traded my rights in for grace and forgiveness and what good I would possess isn't what I have rights to but what is given me. *sigh* I don't have answers for myself, but I do suppose this is what life is about. Not becoming stagnant but continually moving forward seeking out God's wisdom and peace for every step of the way.

In other realms, math has been very good to me so far this semester. It's the major I was suppose to be in, at the college I'm suppose to be at. A math major at any other university would not be what is here at Drury... or at least, it wouldn't be what I would need it to be for me. Who'd have thought it? :-) But God knows what He's doing. It's up to us to learn how to quiet ourselves within and follow His lead.

I saw three crows in conversation,
I saw the trees a'changin'
I saw the clouds cross prairie skies
It sent my heart to achin'

I love the fall
I love the chill
I love October weather

I miss the mountain lines an' lives
I miss the ways and wearin'
Of the roads, the curves, inclines


(this may remain as is or may be added on to... it's an original poem by me and is under copywright)

(becks.. stop laughing ;o) )

At Least 10 Things....

... That I'm Grateful For. (because I'm finding it too easy to be grouchy, despondent, and sorry for myself)

1. It's a rainy Saturday, so at least I'm not spending a lovely day indoors, studying.
2. I'm an aunt to a healthy little boy and a dear friend to his healthy mommy.
3. I'm a pretty decent cook for myself.
4. I've kept my dishes washed today.
5. I have wonderful parents who aren't going to let me starve or become homeless.
6. I live in a very nice apartment complex.
7. I have 2 marvelous horses.
8. I have a picture of sunrise from my front porch in NC for a desktop background.
9. I have good friends who care about me all over the country.
10. Rosie the Riveter and God say "We can do it!" and surely if they say so it must be true.
11. In work experience, I now have had two of the best bosses anyone could possibly ask for (thanks!, Sharon and Ricky).
12. I've never had a math professor I didn't like.
13. Multiples of 5 make me happy.
14. Multiples of 2 make me happy.
15. I get to go home for Thanksgiving!!!! :oD