What a Wonderful Life...

..or just wonderful to be alive and quite coherent. I've been sick since...the 23rd? and have had random moments of being able to pull myself together and being "normal" but today is that first day after being sick that there are still some lingering symptoms but you feel so good to not be totally misrable that you think you could climb a mountian in half the normal time. Or something like that. I'm still weak.. but my head is far clearer and my appetite is returning :D. Enough on my health...

I finally went and read what I told Graham he ought to read in the Mark Twain book I let him borrow. I don't know why I liked The Facts Concerning the Recent Carnival of Crime in Connecticut. I guess when I first read it I loved the idea of killing my conscience.. but I was 14 or 15 then.. at the most. It's alright but rather bloody and gory and not as funny as I anticipated. I intend to apologize to him when he gets home. He did, however, love On the Decay of the Art of Lying which was my other suggestion and it was really good. So is Twain's Speech on the Babies. I'll have to get him to read that. :) Okie.. enough on my beloved Twain. ;)

It has been a good Christmas, no? Even being sick hasn't diminished it I don't think. And it definitely wasn't in material things that this Christmas was better than any others. Yet I don't know how to say that my heart found it more joyful than any of the rest. But it has been. I'm glad to have gone to church on Christmas day. It was so lovely. Not so much in what Pastor Jay had to say but in just fellowshipping with those friends whom I hold dear and worshiping together. Worshiping together with ancient hymns and new ones is just so sweet, ya know? That sweetness is actually reminding me of some words to a hymn, "..For the love which from our birth/Over and around us lies/Lord of all to Thee we raise/This our hymn of grateful praise.." Worshiping together, seems to me, like taking the love and warmth that is between us as families , friends and a congregation and lifting it up to our heavenly Father in adoration of Him. I don't always feel like that. Sometimes Sundays I feel as though it's my personal sacrifice and it's just something between me and God. And that is good. But it was so sweet on Christmas day to join together with others who care for me and I care for them and worship God together. :)....my language fails me to describe the feeling. But that's why I'm so glad to have gone to church on Christmas Day. I think the only thing better would have been if Mom and Dad could have come but that day will come soon. I understand their fears and reluctance to return to some gathering of the Body, but in good time it will come. :) I will not hound them. The Spirit will work quietly and gently in their hearts and when the time is right they will come. How amazingly blessed I am that my parents are as devout Christians as they are! I mean most people who say these things are hoping and praying for their parents' salvation too, but my situation is so different. My parents are the ones who've encouraged me in the Word and challenged me too. They've just been hurt so much... I don't blame them for their slowness in going back. "A thing of beauty is a joy forever..."(Mary Poppins) but that thing of beauty rarely happens over night. Sometimes time is our tormentor... and somes our sweet nurturer. It is when time seems full and is about to brim over with something good that she seems to us a sweet nurturer. And that's how I feel right now. I'm almost content, but I suppose I should be entirely content in any situation. *wry smile* may I write that off as me still growing?...*soft laugh*. I am learning. And I am growing. I am content.

I wish I had more peace about taking Josiah to the Opera Ball. I don't dislike him. We just don't click. We get along, agree on all the important things, but ... *sigh* I suppose I'm prolly taking things a little too seriously? (It's just friends going to a formal together.) I guess I'm slightly afraid he'll take things too seriously.. but he's said he doesn't want to date right now. And obviously he must realize we don't truly click. Why should I worry if we'll have a good time or not? A few of the girls from church will be there. Court Mc will have an opportunity to teach him how to swing dance. I guess there's this nasty twinge of fear that somehow I've bumbled things.
"You've been listening to fears, my child." (Aslan) :)

It's amazing how good it is to feel well after you've been sick. I feel like I could dance from here to... to... I don't know.... "I could dance a thousand miles/Because of Your great love..."

I'd prolly ought to get going... spend some time yakin' with God before I come back around (hopefully) tonight. :) Later my dears...*imagine music as I dance away :)*

If I Were A rich man...

"...All day long I'd biddy biddy bum/If I were a wealthy man!"

Jessie and Jay got me Fiddler on the Roof for Chirstmas and Dad and I watched the first half of it tonight. I aboslutely love that song. :)

Bloomin' onions from Outback Steakhouse are seriously addictive. And Outback has reeeally cute waiters.

Ya know.. I really do like the boy as a dear friend but I can't honestly say that I know I'd want to marry him. I thoroughly enjoy talking to him... about anything... but that's not everything. Yeah, I think he's good looking and certainly tall enough. But... it really does need time. We do need to build a friendship. I just wish our friends would back off a bit and not be in such a hurry to marry us off. He needs time to grow and we both need time to get a bit more comfortable with each other. He needs to get over his initial crush. And so do I. I think I am. Everytime I have the time to really think about it I realize that while I don't have any specific objections I don't have solid good reasons other than he's a Christian. And I've prolly baffled you, my dear readers, at this point. But if you'll not mind me, I need to think this out a bit somewhere. And tonight that somewhere it here. Yes, I adore him.. but who's to say the adoration will last? I mean... Ar****'s family adored me, but that's ancient heartache and history. Mom seems convinced one of us will break each other's heart. I don't want that to happen and I'm not sure how much of her prediction is cynicism from the arthurian heartache or truth. I certainly don't want it happen. No one wants heartache. But how do I encourage the friendship? I mean... I'm not aware of... I don't know.... I just thoroughly enjoy talking to him and spending time with him. I'm not really aware of "oh my gosh I'm with so-and-so".. I just enjoy myself and sometimes think "whoa.. I'm having this much fun w/a guy..wierd.. I'm just going to enjoy myself and not get wierded out thinking about it." *sigh* I feel terrified sometimes that this road too, shall end in heartache and I sincerely, earnestly, reeeally hope it doesn't. Do I strive too much after happiness that it cannot alight upon me? Am I striving instead of living? I do feel rather stressed lately. But am I stressed because I'm "being bad" or because I'm too worried I might be "behaving" badly? I don't want to "lead him on" but I do want to be his friend. arg... I do love spending time with him. Is that leading him on? I don't really know if it could become something serious. I wish there wasn't the pressure to rush into things. Why can't people be happy to let things grow on their own? I love my other friends but...*sigh*. Well, I obviously think too much. Too bad there aren't garden stakes to jump up out of the ground and whack me for thinking. Then I just might quit for a minute... or I'd start thinking about the garden stakes and why they do that and how I could make them stop and .... yeah I'm doomed (btw.. the garden stake thing is from Hitchhiker's Guide if you were thinking I'd really lost my sanity.) I'm not any better off than when I started this ramble %)....

Welp, I finally got my grades back from AB Tech. It is finished. I shall never take math again unless some momentary lack of sanity overtakes me... I've aced Calculus 2 and I have satisfied any lust for math I've ever had or shall have. My GPA now stands at 3.91 and will stay there for all I care. I'm done with school for awhile.

That's about all I have to say here.. I'm ready to head me off to bed. I love ya'll! G'night or G'day whatever the case may be.

..But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles..

"Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on the cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So just cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe
Whoa breathe, just breathe"

~ "Breathe (2am) Anna Nalick [a song they play too much on the radio]

I don't know why I like this song... it's so sad but somehow I like it. And I feel absolutely exhaused. I wanted to go to bed 3 hours ago but I'm still up baking for the boys' Christmas presents and the party. (Yes, I'm baking for the boys for Christmas this year. I've no idea how to get the stuff to the "chosen" ones w/o the other "non-chosen" ones finding out but I'm too tired to contemplate that furthur.) Wow...this week has been as busy as the week before finals. I've had dance practice every other day with shopping in between. Dress rehearsal is tomorrow and then Sunday I have to be at church at 7:30am for the first performance. Brian F*rr** use to chew his toe nails when he was ten. (He was super flexy b/c of Tae Kwon Do but don't tell him I posted his confession here.. or that you know about it. He only confessed b/c he found out when I was a baby I use to suck on my big toe %).) He and Court MacCrack** both get super nervous before preformances and sometimes practices. I get nervous; I just try to joke and not think about it 'til I'm standing out there waiting for the music. Then I hope I remember everything. I know horses have their own difficulties but somehow I prefer horse shows. I mean I love dancing in church.. don't get me wrong, but horse shows are just better somehow. We've practiced incessantly... Nick and I have time to trot around and chill. And by the second class we're good. Especially if there aren't too many other horses in the ring. Sit up. Heels down/Toes up. Legs back. What diagonal are you on? Push 'im forward and soft on the bit.. nice frame. Sit tall and smile.. feel him soften into your hands and relax and stretch his stride. Up - down - up - down. And sit a little deep and quietly ease him to a walk. Your hands should be as if you're holding birds (soft but firm) and holding them so they can talk to each other(slight angle but not "piano hands"). Ask him to trot and feel him briskly hop-to and then lengthen out his stride again - just skimming across the ground.... yeah, that's all about horses. Definitely not dance, well... it is about dance, but not in terms of skirts and working with other people and counting music the same and such... it's about two beings coming together and working as one. Thinking, even if only for a little while, as one. And becoming a beautiful fluid motion together. I suppose that's what any kind of dance is. It's just sometimes it's more than two people (dance team) and it's harder to accomplish that oneness. It is glorious when it happens. I guess I just love being on horseback. I never want to forget that one time I jumped a perfect course. There's no other feeling so lovely as that on earth. At least not that I've experienced yet. :) If I could ride a perfect course tomorrow... I'd take a 3.0 GPA. I think I really would. Oh that it weren't so hard to get back to!!!! Why do I feel so twarted to getting back to riding?!?! It's so deeply frustrating. I miss my first love more than I should ever care to admit. But I need to get to bed...

I didn't really mean the post to be a rant or anything. It's rather a contrast from the post I left at "Sparkling Jewels". Ah well, such is my roller coaster ride. I just hope that I may dream sweetly of horses, and sugar plums and successful Christmas programs and parties... and peace tonight. The same to you all! I love ya!