say you'll need me every waking moment...

What I wouldn't do right now to be in somebody's arms. To lean back against his strong chest and have his warm arms holding me gently. *sigh* That is yet to be for me isn't it? I .... yes.. it's my own fault I'm disatisfied. I haven't done my Bible study/spent time with God in too long. But is it wholly unfair of me to want it? I have to remember sometimes to not get jealous of Hann*h (as the V*shes so often accuse me of being) having a guy adoring her. I don't want him... I just want someone loving me like that... brushing my hair from my face... except I want the guy that's going to be forever. Jonath*n will probably go away. Or Hannah will leave him and go to Texas (she's decided on Baylor now and has sent in acceptance letters... that reminds me.. I still need to talk to/write Va. Tech about delaying my entrance 'til at least spring '06). And anywho... I don't want anymore heartache if it can be helped. I just want one guy who isn't younger or arrogant or stupid (I don't mean that to be harsh but it's true). One is all I want. No more or less. I've never wanted a ton of guys after me. I went to church at Courtn*y's church (Gateway) this past Sunday. Gr*h*m Bry*nt has some reeeeeally good looking older brothers. One of them was leading praise and worship because Mr. Br*ant couldn't. I wonder if they're attached *innocent smile*... but seriously? I just want someone to love and cuddle me on a quiet evening. I don't want alot of pomp and bravado and attention from others.... just the quiet confidence of knowing someone out there... some guy loves me and will protect me and be my best friend... and I want to be his best friend. I know that I'm suppose to go to Jesus for my satisfaction and fulfillment in life first, but today is just one of those days that I feel I shall never measure up. I just want to bury my head in his chest and let him hide me from the world. I don't like feeling this desperate. Oh Daddy, please come and fill my heart. Be my lover and satisfy my heart. Come fight for me. I cannot fight for myself. I just want to be loved and encouraged and told I am indeed lovely not just because my soul is lovely or just because someone thinks my looks are lovely but because I am. Yes I know my parents say that.. and so do my girlfriends.. but they're biased. I want to know it's true and not have to fear it because I know that I know that I'm being protected. I love you, Lord. Please come through for me. I need you so. Enchant me in a dance so that I'm so enthralled with you I don't notice anything else around. And show me how to encourage others to join in and find You in that dance. Hold me. Lift me up and hold me near. Warm my heart and calm my fears. Fill me with Your love so I'll know this ache no longer. I only want to be beautiful if You'll guarantee my safety. I don't trust men much. You know that. Daddy, you seem so intangible sometimes. I want so much someone tangible I can trust. I want someone who'll dance with me. Someone I can relax and give myself to in a waltz and be caught up in the dance, the music, my skirt swishing, and his firm and ressuring presence so that we both can, for just a little while, be caught up in something unexpressibly beautiful..... And sometimes.. right now.. all I ask is to be kept from falling into greater weakness than I've already fallen into. Love me and let me know and be assured of the depths of it... that's all I ask of You.