Hephzibah, Daughter of Zion

Blazing Autumn Fire

2010-11-05T23:40:00.003-05:00

"1THEREFORE, SINCE we are justified (acquitted, declared righteous, and given a right standing with God) through faith, let us [grasp the fact that we] have [the peace of reconciliation to hold and to enjoy] peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One).
2Through Him also we have [our] access (entrance, introduction) by faith into this grace (state of God's favor) in which we [firmly and safely] stand. And let us rejoice and exult in our hope of experiencing and enjoying the glory of God." Romans 5:1-2 (AMP)

"By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise." Romans 5:1-2 (MSG)

"We find ourselves where we always hoped we might stand..." To punch through the crusty-ness of our existence and reach down and touch our hearts... and let the part of ourselves that has always wished but never dared, rise up and bloom outward... this is what Papa longs to do in us and through us daily. Papa doesn't burden us down with rules, expecting us to become what He calls holy in our own strength. He invites us in, offers us to take off our garment of life's burdens if we will, and experience the richness of life He purchased for us at the cross. "...let this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."(Matt. 26:39) For love, and the joy set before Him.. Jesus saw our sins.. and drank the cup anyway... so that we could be free. Simple? Yes.. heard it a thousand times? Yes, but let the reality sink in... Jesus drank in our every sin and every reason our hearts have ever condemned us so that we could stand where we always hoped we might. So.. don't let your sins drive you away... they've already been paid for. Shame is not yours... don't condemn yourself... Papa's already thrown wide the door of forgiveness...

My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him. Again, this is God's command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command. As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us.
1 John 3:18-24 (MSG)

Friends Don't Let Friends Buy Donuts

2010-06-28T21:10:00.006-05:00

I've felt a blog post coming on for prolly 3 days now. Yet it's still a mish mash of stuff.

I wondered, when I first got back to the east from school what kind of summer it would be. There is still plenty of room for surprises but, I know now - to some extent - what kind of summer it is. It's a growth summer. But not a gut wrenching growth, though still uncomfortable. God's brought me face-to-face with at least 2 if not 3 deep seated fears and has said, "Now then, my child, will you walk with Me and let go of these fears?". And I am learning to open up my fists, acknowledge the pain or what pains I think may come... and walk through them with Him. None of those processes are complete. But I think I see a light and I know I will be in even a much better place on those fronts when I get back to school.

It's also a growth season with the horses. I've been learning so much. When I chose to love Stella (I had with held my love to some extent because she is not legally mine), she opened up to me and I could understand how to ask her to do what I want/need her to do and I understood her responses. She's made the decision to trust me. How God must rejoice when we do that. Stella and I fought over just about everything, before. Now she tells me she's not sure. I tell her I understand; it will be okay, please try? And she does. And when she gets the wrong answer it's okay... and when she gets the right answer we both get happy. We're like that with God you know... it's not following perfectly or being perfect He's looking for. It's willingness to keep trying until we get what He's after. It's allowing His love to be relentless in it's work in us. It's us not making Him stop when the healing of our wounds hurts, but saying, "This hurts, Abba. But I choose to trust You. Complete Your perfect work in me." And He is always faithful to do it.

I read a book called The Man Who Talks With the Flowers: the Intimate Life Story of George Washington Carver. In it Mr. Carver is quoted as saying the flowers will only release their deep secrets when you love them enough. Anything in this world is like that. If you'll let your heart go to it and choose to love something recklessly with God's love.... especially when it's something you love anyway... , it will open itself to you. There is such strong depth of conviction in my heart regarding this... I don't have words for it.

Driving home from work the other night, I stopped and watched my great-aunt's field in wonder. Ya know how fireflies tend to "sparkle"? They don't all light up at the same time? These fireflies hadn't heard about that. A few outsiders would twinkle for about 5 seconds and then a great group of them would all light up and drift upward together in a blanket of light for a second. The outsiders would sparkle for 5.. and then the groupies would repeat. It was breath taking. I missed the road to my house and had to drive backwards a little bit. *sheepish smile* It was worth it though.

I love wildflowers. I shall miss my jack-in-the-pulpit when I move west. And my turk's cap lily. Does trillium grow below 3,000 ft? I've even loved the wild onion this year. I'm hoping to take wild daisy and wild black-eyed susan seeds back to school with me to grow. I want to be back at school but in the same moment my heart aches at leaving my horsey babies behind. I really do ache for the day I can take them with me. It will be a very exciting time ;-).

I know how to drive the tractor!!!! That's pretty cool. And I really feel like we finally have a pasture management plan. Not that it's anywhere near what I want it to be but it's a begining. It feels very good to have that begining in solid reality and not just in my head.

I end with my new favorite verse:

"He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food." Job 36:16 (NIV)

"Oh, Job, don't you see how God's wooing you from the jaws of danger? How He's drawing you into wide-open places - inviting you to feast at table laden with blessings?" Job 36:16 (MSG)

Home Isn't a Place

2010-03-28T19:28:00.003-05:00

Spring Break. Usually it's associated with getting drunk and "loved up" in Florida, but for me I went home to North Carolina and I learned some things. And I wouldn't have traded this spring break for the world. Never have I desired to see my horses so much, and I learned that really... I missed my family as well. I've had so many thoughts throughout the break on how to express the growth I've experienced, but when I sit down to pour it out it runs away. :-)

I'm slowly learning the mountains must dissipate in their importance in my heart. That is, home is not a place. Home is where God plants you, and where your loved ones are. Home can be in more than one place. You carry home with you in your heart, because God is your greatest (or should be your greatest) loved One, then comes your family, then friends and pets. I hated the mountains when we first moved there. They were such an immensely real obstacle to my early childhood and the life I left in Liberty. But they became a spiritual training ground for me in so many ways. I learned to walk with God in them, and I came to love them for their beauty and the strength, and presence of God I experienced in them. Then I learned to love them for the family history they hold. To be able to say my family had lived on this very piece of land in this very cove since before the Civil War was astonishing to me. I truly felt I had become a part of them. And perhaps I am, in that there will always be a familiarity, like a favorite, well-worn pair of boots. But it cannot last forever. I was aware more this time of having a little more of the mountains being "home" torn away from me. It wasn't violent, perhaps it could best be explained as a degree of what Eustace Scrub went through in the Chronicles of Narnia. I'm being un-mountained instead of un-dragoned. Yet I feel I shall never lose the spiritual inheritance I gained there. Living Waters will always be a home to my heart. I know I am always welcome there.

I've also come to the realization that Springfield is an ugly city. I know. That's obvious, but I was having a really difficult time figuring out how I could want "this place" to become home and dislike it so much. I don't want Springfield to be home. At all. Nada. But! I could surely live in the countryside of southern Missouri. I'm grateful "southern-ness" isn't being required of me to give up ;-). I'll never regret the time I've spent in North Carolina. But, in spite of my occasional questionings, my heart tells me it's time for me to move on.

I do look forward to my family being here. I didn't really realize that I missed them until now. Yet this alone-ness is good too. To quote C.S. Lewis in an out of context way, it "cures my illusions about myself and teaches me to depend on God".

Thoughts Laced With Song....

2010-03-02T20:15:00.006-05:00

...or maybe it's the other way around....

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

~By Your Side, Tenth Avenue North

I'm sitting in the math major's lounge at school listing to one of my playlists on youtube, and reading different devotionals online. It's good stuff. And then I wandered by my friend Nathan's blog. It was just good. He's right. There's such a different in being where you experience joy and where you're simply existing or fighting to keep your existence. Last semester was certainly a bleary semester. I've certainly experienced God's joy this semester. I know it has to do with obedience and I hope for obedience in all things.

I will sing of Your mercy
Which leads through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy.

~ The Valley Song, Jars of Clay

Papa, thank You for Your mercies. Thank You for Your joy. I have been very hungry. Thank You for feeding me. Thank You for giving me water to drink. Thank you for restoring the song to my heart. I don't want to walk away from this. I love You. I want to stay right in the middle of Your will for all of my days.

It's the Voice that whispers my name
It's the kiss without any shame
Something beautiful

It's the child on her wedding day
It's the dad who gives her away
Something Beautiful

When we laugh so hard we cry
Oh the love between You and I
Something Beautiful

~Something Beautiful, Newsboys

So tell me all your dreams
Tell me all your fears and what you're longing for the most
It's not another way that'll end up the same for it's under my control

Do you feel the winds of change
Soon this weight will fall away
And take you to a place
Only found through these winds of change

A breeze that's new and free
New and free

I'll be the one who you can cry to
The one who will give you wings
I will give wings

~Winds of Change, Kutless

Wintery Mix

2010-02-05T13:12:00.004-05:00

Massive wet snowflakes are falling once again, and in spite of my distaste for the cold, the snowfall is lending a sense of quiet contemplation to the day. It's crazy, really. Springfield isn't any more inclined than western NC to get snow, but I suppose this is just a snowy year for the places I call home.

Yeah, I'm calling Springfield home, or at least southern Missouri. I do look forward to living in the countryside towards Branson someday. But for now I'm in the college town that, according to mom "has everything you could possibly want and a few things twice!" She came back with me at the beginning of the semester and the prepetual snowy weekends have her stranded here with me until the middle of next week. It's not a bad thing; I just fear myself getting too spoiled and it being even harder when she leaves. But having someone else living with me has made me contemplate more whether or not marriage is really all that great. I know, it sounds a bit odd but... am I really capable of sharing my life well with another person? Friends are one thing. Family is another. Friends are people you love but leave behind at some point for your sanctuary or peaceful place. Family are friends who live in your sanctuary and your interactions with them will affect the peacefulness thereof. Of course relationships are rarely one sided, but I find my own selfishness frustrating. I think I've grown-up but I perpetually find myself a brat. Yes, I could shrug it off as the difficulty of child-parent interactions, but would I really be any different with a husband and/or children? Would I desire less time to myself? Would I be any better about not getting distracted and accomplishing what I wanted to accomplish instead of going off on another tangent? Is what I wanted to accomplish that day really that important? Or even if it's equally important do I have a right to feel disgruntled when I don't accomplish it and do accomplish something else equally important. But then, I've given up what I would call rights. I have rights to nothing good. So I traded my rights in for grace and forgiveness and what good I would possess isn't what I have rights to but what is given me. *sigh* I don't have answers for myself, but I do suppose this is what life is about. Not becoming stagnant but continually moving forward seeking out God's wisdom and peace for every step of the way.

In other realms, math has been very good to me so far this semester. It's the major I was suppose to be in, at the college I'm suppose to be at. A math major at any other university would not be what is here at Drury... or at least, it wouldn't be what I would need it to be for me. Who'd have thought it? :-) But God knows what He's doing. It's up to us to learn how to quiet ourselves within and follow His lead.

2009-10-04T13:56:00.006-05:00

I saw three crows in conversation,
I saw the trees a'changin'
I saw the clouds cross prairie skies
It sent my heart to achin'

I love the fall
I love the chill
I love October weather

I miss the mountain lines an' lives
I miss the ways and wearin'
Of the roads, the curves, inclines

(this may remain as is or may be added on to... it's an original poem by me and is under copywright)

(becks.. stop laughing ;o) )

At Least 10 Things....

2009-09-19T10:52:00.004-05:00

... That I'm Grateful For. (because I'm finding it too easy to be grouchy, despondent, and sorry for myself)

1. It's a rainy Saturday, so at least I'm not spending a lovely day indoors, studying.
2. I'm an aunt to a healthy little boy and a dear friend to his healthy mommy.
3. I'm a pretty decent cook for myself.
4. I've kept my dishes washed today.
5. I have wonderful parents who aren't going to let me starve or become homeless.
6. I live in a very nice apartment complex.
7. I have 2 marvelous horses.
8. I have a picture of sunrise from my front porch in NC for a desktop background.
9. I have good friends who care about me all over the country.
10. Rosie the Riveter and God say "We can do it!" and surely if they say so it must be true.
11. In work experience, I now have had two of the best bosses anyone could possibly ask for (thanks!, Sharon and Ricky).
12. I've never had a math professor I didn't like.
13. Multiples of 5 make me happy.
14. Multiples of 2 make me happy.
15. I get to go home for Thanksgiving!!!! :oD

A Full Week @ Drury

2009-09-03T12:02:00.004-05:00

I'm completeing my first full week at Drury today. What a week it's been. Orientation was great, but reality.. in a way it sucks. Don't get me wrong. I'm doing "okay" in my most important classes (Organic Chem 1 and Calc 3), but I never anticipated missing home so much. I didn't really think I'd struggle with feeling inadequate and out of the loop here. At times I feel fat and ugly. Other times so horrendously old and frustrated with the lack of wisdom of my peers. The faculty here is wonderful. I find the student body to not be terribly friendly. They aren't mean, just... self centered? Ironically so if it's the case, because the curriculum here seeks to hammer a global perspective and thinking beyond one's self into us. And perhaps being here is amplifying my own self centeredness. No one here is too terribly concerned about my existence so long as I'm showing up to classes and work and producing what they want (whether that be insightful papers, correct answers, or completed work). But maybe half my problem is being too conserned about my own existence.

I intently dislike this notion that I simply don't fit in here. I feel like have no nitch at all... I mean yeah I'm a nerd and I'm anal retentive about school, but... I guess I haven't found the homeschool subculture here? If there even is one? I do like my new friends, but our paths don't cross as much as we'd all like for them to. (We collected ourselves together during orientation but we're all different majors and I think I'm the only junior among us as far as classes go... unless the magnificent Ezgi has some junior classes.. but she's an accountant so we don't overlap :o(...)

So life is by no means perfect. I have to keep reminding myself that it's a God thing that I'm here. He has a purpose for me here even if I'm not seeing it yet.

Hobey Ho

2009-07-17T09:43:00.003-05:00

*wry smile*.... so much to catch up on.. I'm a terrible blogger I know. I'm moving to Springfield in a few weeks. I'm packing like a crazy person, excited about what's ahead, and silently mourning the leaving of my mountains. I think now more than ever I identify with Alexandra Bergson. When I'm in Springfield I know I belong there. I know Drury is where I'm suppose to be. But while I'm still in my mountains... foggy mornings call to my heart and beckon me to stay. I will never grow weary of watching the sun rise over foggy mountain ranges. There is nothing on the earth exactly like the view from my front porch. I may never see it again. No, I'm not being fatalistic (if that's the right word). Mom and Dad are selling and if everything sells before I finish school then I will never comeback to this house or see this land again. Oh sure, someday I'll bring my kids to this valley and this cove and show them the land of their ancestors. But it will never belong to us again. Strangers own my great-grandmother's house in front of us. Time has finally worn the family history of the land out. We move on and start afresh. We cut out a new life for ourselves... for me.. in Missouri. We'll ship the horses. I'll have a whole chance at really starting the ranch. It's strange also.. it never fails. Whenever Dad has finally built quite the accomplishment of a building.. we move. It was my playhouse in Liberty; now it's my barn in NC. His accomplishments grow ;o). He's a good papa. He'll be a great grandpop.

I should blog more often. Somehow I don't find myself journaling this stuff. I don't know why. Maybe it's becoming more my prayer journal/conversations with God, and this is my letting my thoughts wander off and sort out.

2009-02-27T12:21:00.001-05:00

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." ~ 2 Cor. 4:7-10

I read this Sunday morning at a Starbucks in Springfield, Mo., and for the first time in ages (or perhaps ever) this scripture was beautiful to me. It was more than just encouragement in a bad time. It was a reminder that God really is the big picture, and in some manner I understood for a moment what the apostle Paul ment when he said, "rejoicing always and in every circumstance". We will be pressed, perplexed, persecuted, and struck down. That's just life. But that doesn't change God's love for us. Circumstances don't define His love for us. The fact that we aren't crushed, abandoned or destroyed is what defines His love. We can choose to despair, but we don't have to. We can choose joy in every circumstance. We can't be joyful in our own strength, but then Jesus never asked us to be. We just have to make the choice to allow the Holy Spirit to make us joyful. We have to choose to let go of our "right" to be grouchy or depressed.

It's also a picture of grace. Life has storms, but He will calm His children in the midst of storms if we'll let Him.

"And now let us welcome a new year..."

2009-01-01T12:07:00.002-05:00

"...full of things that have never been." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

And so a new year is upon us. There is some amount of uncertainty in my heart, but there is a brightness and newness greater than the uncertainty that has been the past year or two. It is a new year. It is good.

Meanderings

2008-11-01T13:07:00.002-05:00

I don't really have anything in particular to say. I just have this obligatory feeling of posting something to balance out my despairing wail, since I've felt neither despairing nor wailing in the last few weeks. I think I'm not letting my struggles get the better of me... or I'm letting apathy keep me from guilt. But I think it's more the former with a small touch of the latter. I'm reading Blue Like Jazz and it's challenging me to be more real. It's been, so far, like Romans 12 from the Message Bible. I keep switching back and forth from living the goodness of God from my own strength, and getting really frustrated, and living the goodness of God from His strength, and wondering what I thought was so difficult about loving others. But... I think I'm learning that, rather than feeling like I keep falling into a muddy ditch and then crawling out again, it's more like dancing. I've kinda got the rhythm, but I keep forgetting to let Him lead. So, while I'm staying on beat for the most part, (to watch me you wouldn't think anything's that off) I don't always take the right step. It's not a sin to not take the perfect right step. God doesn't think me a failure for it by any means. But He does expect me to keep trying. Baby steps, and missteps don't insult Him, but choosing to stay a baby does. He expects growth. But He delights in our growing process, (it seems to me) just as much as in the "final product". We, as humans, tend to get sick of the journey and crave the ending of all travels. But I think the journey may just be His favorite part. *soft smile* I dunno... that's just what's floating around in my head today. I think it's time for me to shove off and get my day started. Loves!

Despairing Wail

2008-10-15T18:34:00.003-05:00

This week has been so screwy. It's been my fault... and... I'd like to say half not my fault... but I think it's all my fault... I think. *sigh* I really want to go to sleep and wake up and it be a 4 day weekend with this last week washed from the books. But Fall Break is Monday and Tuesday next week. And I'm working on office-y stuff Tuesday next week anyway (yep.. campus is open and I'm going into work...) I've just had this feeling that I haven't said the things I should or have said the things I shouldn't. That every little shade of meaning has been off because I've either heistated or didn't think first. I forgot to work a half hour late for a co-worker yesterday and realized it today... was to pay back a favor she did for me... and I forgot and screwed up :'(... *sigh*... I could really go for this week being wiped off the books... except I think I did well on one of the two dances I was tested on. That seems like the only good thing this week. seriously.

Chick-flicks, Fall, Growth, and Dancing

2008-10-11T11:14:00.002-05:00

So much, so much floating and dancing in my brain... not unlike those eternal sugar plums except my thoughts are more like pieces of light that have taken form.. they're lighter and sweeter than sugar plums could ever be... 'course I've never actually seen a sugar plum or eaten one for that matter. That would pose a problem wouldn't it? *wry smile* Is a sugar plum a sugar cured plum.. thus.. a sugar encrusted prune? That really takes the airy poetic-ness out of my mental image..lol... I should stick with my other thoughts but it's quite obvious I'm in a rambling mood. :-)

I watched 13 Going on 30 with my Tilley woman! I'm picky about chick-flicks. No just any will do. This one was amazing for me. And you want to know the truly "special" part? Watching that movie restored my deep desire to marry my best friend. It restored my hope too. Just in that... I lost some essence of myself, my innocence the past year or two and silly as it sounds I felt restored hope after watching that movie. I'm feeling braver to be.. at little more narrow minded. I always figured it was beyond asking God to let my husband love horses. I always figured the most I could hope for is someone who would tolerate horses and let me own them. But I'm gonna be brave. I'm gonna wait for a guy who likes horses and living in the country and who likes dancing or is at least willing to learn. You have no idea how narrow minded I feel at the moment. It's half scary, half deliciously happy..lol.. I'm a strange girl, no?...lol...

Until the leaves are off the trees, you're going have to tolerate my infatuation with the season. If I could somehow fashion my soul after fall and it's splendor, I would do so. What I would give to be perpetually arrayed in reds, oranges, and yellows... those rich vibrant earthy tones the land wears every autumn. To live as a fresh, cool breeze in light of the warming Son. If I could be the embodiment of autumn and bring to others the this, mad, joyful expecting I feel in my inmost....I should be a very happy woman indeed. Can't you just feel the whole earth shouting with all consuming joy to its Creator?! Fall was made for me. You can enjoy it too ;-).. and if I didn't exsist, God would have still made it for you to enjoy. But this is when I bask most in God's glory and wish it to take over and wholly own me.

You want to know something amazing? I've been happy. No, not just "happy". Like... Fridays at work are my comp lab days. They are typically very quiet and I love it. Print for a few people. Smile. Show them how to save a document or maybe do a few things in Word. I get to play on the computer, journal, read The Word, and just get sometime to myself for about 4 hours. That's a normal Friday. THIS Friday was not normal. I pulled into my parking spot 10minutes late to open the lab (my fault.. I accept that ;-)..) and hit the ground running to get the computers going. I printed like a mad woman for the first few minutes and then things settled down after my first hour. Within the next half hour, I had settled in enough to call my boss and ask about timesheets and she, hearing how quiet my lovely lab was, decided to send me a chem student that the over flowing math lab wasn't able to help. As far as getting anything I'd wanted to done online... I could kiss it goodbye. I was either working on chemistry or printing the rest of my day. In fact, I ended up working a half hour past closing because I couldn't work on chem and get people to leave. So I did finally make it up to math lab to work on my time sheet but I ended up being about 2 hours late leaving work. And I still had grocery shopping to do for mom. Which I did. Oh, and I don't get a lunch break..so.. I'd made it to the grocery store at 4:30pm-ish on nothing but breakfast. And you want to know what? I was still in a decent mood. I was still laughing my head off joking with my co-workers. What normally would have made me rather grumpy (I really enjoy time to myself infront of hi-speed internet and pandora radio in the background), only annoyed me momentarily. I hope I don't sound like I'm bragging. I'm shocked and (sheepish isn't the right word) shyly pleased with myself. But it couldn't have been me. I've gotten grumpy before for just having to tutor people who really aren't that bad... just happen to annoy me in little ways. It's a God thing. And I hope it stays around. :-) :-)

All of Your promises won'l let go of me
I surrendered my life to Your ways
I have learned what it means to obey
Jesus, my heart has been changed by You
I am walking the path you have made
I am seeking the truth everyday
Jesus, my heart has been changed by You
I couldn't walk away if I tried
Cause Your love is better than life
Now the sun's shining bright and it just won't set
Cause Your love is alive and it lights my step
My heart is amazed everyday to the next
Your joy overtakes and I can't forget about it
Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh
I can't forget about it

~ Promises - Desperation

My Vagabond Song

2008-10-03T11:23:00.001-05:00

The weather has been glorious lately, and I experienced the lovely rarity of driving through a thick, frosty fog this morning with patches of light frost scattered throughout the valley. This weather makes me very happy.

I find myself in an interesting place as Atonement approaches (Oct. 9th). I’ve been having moments of clarity. For brief flashes, I think above life’s daily fog. I can see opportunity. Dreams crystallize into feasible reality. I catch my breath, and reach out to touch it… and for moment in time my heart’s desires are real. I can “feel” them. And then they fade back to dreams, as I gently come back down into the fog. I’m learning to not let the fog trouble me as much as it has in the past. I just find myself yearning for the wisdom to recognize the opportunities I saw in bright day when I see them in the fog. Because if I can still recognized them enshrouded, the opportunities can still be had.

With the weather, the lovely dancing tune in my heart has returned. ‘Course it prolly has something to do with family worship time in the evenings too. But cool, sunny autumn days have always been intoxicating to me …lol. You remember that part of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe when Aslan is resurrected and has just told the girls he feels he’s about to roar? Yeah.. that’s me once I’m awake. This is always an invigorating time of year for me.. but I think I’ll quit rambling on about that ;).

I’ve been wanderingly looking at schools again. (Trans: that means I’m only half seriously looking). Western Carolina has a fairly simple (in terms of # of classes) dance minor. That could be very lovely in keeping me sane in the midst of a chem major.. and surely it would count for much in terms of “fine arts”? Yes, by the way, chem is the major I’m looking at. I can’t bring myself to do just the education. People seem to fail to realize that patience and ability to explain things in multiple ways are the fundamental requirements to being an educator. Passing annoying classes about teaching methods..*sigh* but I suppose I shouldn’t judge the classes. It’s prolly just my severe distaste for papers and not the actual class content that repels me .
I’m aching for room to dance and worship. I wish I could shut down the gym at school and have it to myself. *wry smile*

Have I mentioned the weather is glorious? *wanders off in her own little dance…*

Self Frustration

2008-09-19T13:46:00.002-05:00

I'm so irritated!!!! I had an opportunity to be a witness to a co-worker and I didn't take it. I hinted but I didn't take the bait. *wail*... Yes, yes... I know I'm not a life failure but, at the moment it feels like it. I missed the opportunity. I played it over in my head on the way home. I coulda touched and old wound... and perhaps brought it healing. Why did I chicken? ARGGGGG!!! When laid before me the opportunity to say "No, Christianity is not about God sending people anywhere. Christianity is about: God created mankind. Mankind rebelled. God said "I love my creation too much to let them walk away, but they broke the rules." So God sent his Son to pay the price for our ancestor's mistake so that we could have a choice. Adam and Eve made a choice to walk away from God and that is the world they left for us to inherit. God wanted better for us. And we have the choice. We can chose to walk after Love Himself... and live life everafter growing in Love. Or we can choose to live life our own way w/o God. That's not what He wants for us. But we can choose the hell our forefathers left to our inheritance," I let the opportunity slip. DRAT! DRAT! DRAT! RAWR!! *deflating sigh* perhaps, perhaps.... now for me to learn mercy for my self... and a chance for grace to take the op the next time it comes along...... and praying for the strength and wisdom to do it.

Happy Bounce Bounce

2008-08-29T11:29:00.002-05:00

I've found this awesome new website! It's : www.biblegateway.com It's really cool cuz not only is it like a concordance but it has half a bazillion different versions of the Bible. I love it. :-D

Bordem at Work....aka Life in Computer Lab

2008-08-22T10:13:00.003-05:00

*yawn* I have too much time to think in here. In ways it's good and in ways it's not good. I wish I'd brought my Bible with me. I think Friday's shall be my thinking days. LOL.. now if I could truly determine to be a functioning human being w/o thinking all the other days! That'd be awesome. My majorly big thought for today? What if it's not about keeping Jesus the creme in the double stuft oreos of our lives? What if life's more like the jello fruit salad stuff.. and we're the fruit and He's the jello? I mean come on.. it does say in... um... arg.. Colossians I think? He is before all things and in Him all things hold together. I may have to change my facebook religious views in light of today's contemplations.

Boo yah!!! It's Colossians 1:17. Did you know you can even Google the Bible online?.. It's amazing. I'm having a sleepy-amazing day.

To Be Loved by a Horse

2008-08-20T20:24:00.002-05:00

... to sit in a pasture and be shoved a little by a soft muzzle, "you're sitting on my grass," he said.

... to have my "messy bun" wiggled around by inquiring horsey lips and the sides of my face and shoulders snuffled to her personal satisfaction before resting her horsey cheek next to mine...

... to land off the last jump of a perfectly ridden course, and shout my "Yeah! Baby! Whoot!" while he bucks his pleasure, and we laugh at our accomplishment...

... to scratch the itchy spots that an aging arthritic neck can no longer reach, and be ever so gently scratched by horsey teeth in thanks...

... this is one of the sweetest things on earth, to be loved by a horse.

A Sense of Community and Other Observations

2008-08-18T21:12:00.002-05:00

I think what I miss most in my life is a sense of community, a sense of being apart of something bigger that I have in common with others, a shared love. soft laugh ... How have I come to this conclusion? Mom and I went to the Saturday portion of City League International show at the Ag Center this weekend. We watched the young riders (15 -18yrs) from all over the south (south as far as Venezuela and Columbia) jump their horses in the outdoor area. In the evening, we watched the Olympic level adults in the Mac Arena. It reawakened a place in my heart that aches. I miss showing. I miss the family-ish-ness of being a part of a barn and competing with my peers. I miss riding lessons. I miss jumping for the pure, unadulterated joy of it. With that ache comes the longing to be a part of a church family also. I won't even expand on that except to say I'm sick of it not existing and my family's seeming inability to find a place that we can blend and be a family with. sigh.. I think this underlying longing is what sometimes makes me feel almost panicky to get married or find "the one". It's not that I really need to get married, more that I just miss sharing life with people my age who really love what I love. I share my life with my parents but I don't know why I find that so difficult. Some of the difficulty is I want to feel like an adult, but I don't. And part of me blames my parents for that, but is it really their fault? I dunno. I hate feeling like a waif. I hate dreaming and feeling inadequate and ill equipped to see any dream a reality. And in spite of feeling this way I had joy today. It was strange. Mom sent me off this morning with a "wish" of meeting some handsome guys my age at work/school. It offended me at first. It felt like she was saying the prospects at hand (there's one-ish) weren't worth it. As if she had better in her pocket! And then as the day wore on I realized I was deciding that the pickings were slim and I'd better see if I can't settle and make do with what's at hand than to keep looking and never get married at all. Why do I let myself get into these silly ruts? She's right. Any day might be "the day". Why do I let myself get discouraged so easily and doubt so easily? sigh... why do I allow myself to live on a roller coaster of doubt and unbelief?

I dunno... but yes, joy crept in today and I am grateful. Sounds odd after my griping huh? chuckle... I don't know how God does it. I've found there's very little I feel certain of these days, but I do know this. God loves us, and gives us joy. There's way more to it than that... but maybe there isn't. "Be imitators of God, as dearly beloved children.." God is love. "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us". While we were still wallowing in sin, Jesus was about to pop with love for us and said "Yes! Go ahead and create mankind... They'll be worth dying for. I'll set the price. They are worth it." Jesus loves just as much when I'm an "uncleaned fish" as He does when I really am walking in His image like I was created to. That and my dance class have been my happy thoughts. :-) Oh, and I've been riding more and beginning to train the Stella (4 yr. mare) under saddle*. When I ride, I feel God's pleasure. :-).. but ya already knew that ;-)... well my peeps.. I need to end my rambles and get me to bed. I love you all!

"I love my God the first of all,
Then Him that perished on the cross,
And next, my wife -- and then I fall
Down on my knees and love the hoss."
~ excerpt from "The Hoss" by J.W. Riley

_____________________________________________________________________

(*trans: under saddle means I've been riding her a little. Up to this point I've been working with her on ground manners such as, picking up her feet when I ask, walking quietly beside me and observing my personal space, and other skills that will make her an easily handled horse)

Birth Pangs

2008-08-06T17:09:00.002-05:00

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what's enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our
expectancy.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right along side helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity He restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.
~ Romans 8:22-30 (Msg)

I wrote this whole passage out in my journal a year ago today, and it's more poignant... makes more sense now than it ever did. This pain, the universal frustration I see in myself and in some of my friends, is the pain of transition, I think. New things, new chapters are being birthed in us and let's face it. Giving birth ain't comfy. You could even say it sucks... until you see, until you experience the new life, until you hold the thing you've wrestled with. When you reach that point... the pain was worth it. I don't know if I'm at that point yet, but I can say I've grown tremendously. Yet in the bigness of my growth I still realize I have so much more to go. But I'm so grateful for the promise: "...he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun."

Rhythms and Finding the Deep

2008-07-30T12:01:00.003-05:00

You know that rhythm.. that song that bubbles up from nowhere? It's not necessarily any song you've heard before, but some tune you find yourself humming. It's been absent in me for awhile. Infact nearly any tune coming to mind to hum has been absent.... but I'm finding it slowly, shyly bubbling up. It's not the wild possessing tune it use to be, but it's more like an airy waltz. It's shy... and I can't call it up at will. But it comes to me occassionally.... more frequently than that music in general is coming back. Sometimes it's Moondance, and other times some worship music I've heard at camp. I'm realizing the hunger in myself for God. Not that I would have denied it before... but the earnest yearning to go deeper.. to be satisfied.. and knowing that people, places, and nothing else can really satisfy that hunger. But I find lacking the ability or the direction to dive into the deep. I know it's necessity but there isn't a devotional that really inspires me to get there. But is it some failure within myself that I need "inspiration"? I'm seriously considering fasting over break.... to press in. Going up to Living Waters was sooooo good. Freedom to get lost in worship.. and freedom to let girlfriends love on each other. That's the bad part of working with lesbians. Ya just tend to watch yourself because of them. But being around dear girlfriends and sharing our Heavenly Daddy's love was just awesome. I miss that sense of community, but I hope somehow someway to create it (or make opportunity for it to exist) in this horsey venture God's taking me on. It's so difficult to walk patiently. *wry smile* Oh for life's transitions, eh? I want so much to be full of God's love and love others the way He does.. but I always find myself lacking. Sometimes I feel like I'm learning to stand on my own to feet when I should be learning to dance. But all in His time.

I'm taking dancing for fitness as a class this fall! Isn't that exciting?!.. I'm thinking about taking a continuing ed begining guitar class in the spring. It's very exciting. And I'm riding more these days. I'm realizing what a wonderful ole diva horse I own. And I have a feeling God's gonna be teaching me some incredible stuff with my new little girlie (Stella) that I'm training. I think that's all for my ramble today. :-)

Is It Shocking...

2008-07-20T21:52:00.003-05:00

... that I've posted 2 days in a row?..lol.. I'm shocked. *wry smile*

Welp... "Wonder boy" has, I think, decided to move on.. what bothers me is that guys don't seem to see the need to tell me such things. *shrug* I realize it could be awkward... it just.. bothers me. Ya wanna date someone else? Fine.. we said it was "just friends" from the beginning.. can we be friends and not just avoid/ignore/feel awkward about wanting to date someone else? I'm not sure if this is a boy problem or a society created problem. I do feel thoroughly convicted that courting is a load of crap. Maybe it worked in a different day and time but it doesn't make sense to most ppl today and from my experience it just plain doesn't work. Casual dating could work... so long as one is guarding their heart. Which Wb would be a case of causal dating working - ish. I dunno... but I think Joshua Harris' whole "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" stuff is a croc-o-crap past highschool. Not dating when you can't pursue a marraige relationship makes sense. Not dating when you can pursue a marraige relationship doesn't make sense unless you're not interested in getting married. This doesn't mean I think everyone should date. I think the fact the ppl would try to force some general rule for dating/not dating is the biggest problem. I think it's between God and the individual. Just like all public and private Christian schools are wrong and homeschooling is the only way. That's a farce too. I'd like to homeschool my kids (should I ever get married and have any), but that's not the only way. Many ppl come through "alternative" education systems just fine. I very much think it's an individual thing. If any of this makes sense %) *shrug*. *sigh*.. we shall see what life brings, eh?

Some Ramblings Associated with My Year of Absence

2008-07-19T18:31:00.002-05:00

Wow.. so it's been nearly a year since I last posted. It's been a growing year, I'll say that... a painful year too. But I'm beginning to learn that the purpose of pain is to help others... and to stretch out places in ourselves for God's love to dwell. It's not that He couldn't do it without pain. It's more we don't seem to understand it or fully grasp the good until we've experienced it's opposite. It interesting (to put it mildly) to be shaken and deconstructed to one's core. That surgery is excruciating in and of itself, but the reconstruction has its own pains and beauties. I know my rambling is rather cryptic, but that's okay... I'm just needing or wanting to ramble and let somethings wander from my mind where they may or may not be read.

They say time heals. It's not really time that heals... time is simply the container or the....thing that gives increments to the process. Healing is first a choice and desire for God's wholeness for the human heart. It is not necessarily what we want for ourselves.. certainly not at first... but it's the restructuring into something infinitely better than what we thought we wanted to be. And all along its process we have to make the choice to stick with it and keep healing. We can stop the process when we come across a part that we don't like.. and I think that is where we develop scars in our hearts... because if we'll let Him.. I don't really think He'll leave scars there. I think we come to a place where we scream in agony that the fixing is too painful and we don't want our wounds cleaned any deeper. That is where we tend to get scars. Yet God is willing to open up old scars and wounds for the sake of removing them if we'll let Him. Then with the removal (or finished reconstruction) comes the "physical therapy" where He teaches us how to love again, or better, how to love the way He intended us to. We often fear if we have to share the balm that healed us that we'll be scalded. It's a rather silly thought, but the fears are so subtle and even sensible when we hear them that we forget God's ways don't always make sense.. but are always better.

I'm doing lots of learning and growing right now. I'm where I'm suppose to be, though I don't always like it. I'm learning contentment in every situation, though I'm not always content. I am learning to approach life with expectancy but not expectations. I'm learning to judge no one, but still hold on to and believe in absolute truths. I hope I'm becoming wise... or at least wiser than I have been. I'm learning to open up yet still guard my heart. I hope to be an open pasture... a place of freedom and safety for those who know me... but I must learn true freedom myself. Freedom is not independance and control of one's self. Freedom is utter abandonment to God. It's loving the way He loves. It's knowing that while not all roads lead to Him, He will travel any road to find us. It's remembering that man was made in His image..whether sinner or saint.... and that He loves me just as much as he loves an axe murder... and that He want's all of us in heaven.. but some of us will choose to not go. Freedom is accepting that if God Almighty restricts Himself to work within the limits human will has placed on him, I shouldn't be out there imposing my will on others. I'm learning that I can't really love anyone truly until I'm full of Love Himself. We can't really love anything the way God intended until we don't need to be loved. It's not aloofness. It's a case of empty vessels trying to fill one another. We can never fill until we have been filled... and only God can fill us. Maybe a better explanation would be... we're constantly hungry for love, infact we're really in starvation mode unless we are totally consumed by God's love. When we are satisfied in God, we can actually appreciate the gift of love offered us by others. It's like with out God we're starved and the love offered us by others really isn't enjoyed.. just hurriedly consumed to keep us going. But when we're full of God's love we can truly savor the gifts we receive from others.

I think I've rambled enough for now :-).. I'll see how or if at all... what I've said so far settles upon my readers.

Cages

2007-08-13T17:26:00.000-05:00

I had to take my cat to the vet today to get him some dewormer and I found an interesting analogy to myself. He hates cages, in fact he was yowling his distaste for being in one before I even got him and the cat carrier in the truck. On the way there he was clawing so furiously at the metal grate/door that he pulled one of his claws out. When he finally gave up clawing (after we left the vet's office), he would alternate between worried panting (I kept it cool for him in the truck) or more yowls. Finally, ten minutes from home, he resigned himself to being cage bound and he started to doze off. How often I behave like him. Right now being at home and starting a horsey business with my parents feels like being stuck in a cage. I battle and fight within myself but get torn up for nothing. I know that this is moving in the direction God had called me to go, but it just....feels like more bondage than freedom. But if this is the direction God's leading me then "resistance is futile". If I'll just calm down and accept that God isn't going to leave me where I am, I'll be alot less tired and torn up in the end. It's just hard when you feel like you're shut up in a cage. So... I'm like my cat. :-)..... I just have to keep my eyes lookin' up. I have to say focused on God and know that this isn't an end. It's a beginning and He never leaves anyone and anything incomplete.

"What do you fear, lady?" he [Aragorn] asked.

"A cage," she [Eowyn] said. "To stay behind bars, until use and old age
accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or
desire."

~ Return of the King, J.R.R. Tolkien

I feel much like Eowyn, but there is no fear in love. And God is love. So I must choose love. I must choose to trust Him and not be afraid because He has not ordained me to be caged and I may yet find some freedom here, or here find my redemption from the cage.

Short, but Perhaps Not Small Thoughts

2007-08-10T14:04:00.000-05:00

I was reading a few Boundless articles and they encouraged me greatly. Also, I've a had a revelation of sorts. "Holy" does not mean "perfection". "Holy" means "set apart". Isn't that wonderful? We are to be holy as God is holy. He is perfecting us but that perfection isn't all there is to holiness. God is love. That's what separates Him from the rest of the world. We are to be set apart as He is set apart. We are to walk in love. I guess, reading my words, it doesn't seem as profound in type as it does in my heart. I guess what came to me is, God did not look down at me and say "Be perfect as I am perfect." He looked down at me and said "Be different as I am different." and oh what a huge chasm there is between those two statements! Even when you're struggling that struggle in and of itself sets you apart from those who aren't struggling. With perfection, either you're perfect or you're not; end of story. For me a whole new concept of love and grace opened up.

Aside from that here are the two articles I found most encouraging:
Chose Joy
Friendship Among Women

And even though the latter article is suppose to be about women it's a lovely reminder of friendship with anyone.

Through Fire

2007-08-04T12:30:00.000-05:00

I've been gone a long time haven't I? I guess it's because I don't like to post my "dark nights of the soul" here. Nor do I want this post to be one of those, so we shall see how I do my catching up. Graham and I are no longer in a relationship. There is no malice or hatred in it, and for that I am very grateful. We each have growing to do and things to accomplish before either of us is ready for marraige. Whether we enter a marraige seeking relationship again is in God's hands. I have to lay my hopes aside and trust God's love in that.

I've gone to Oregon since I've been gone. I visited Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch (which was incredible) with a lady who I just barely even met at Living Waters. The lady (Miriam) was sooooo cool! She has a vision of starting a non-profit like Crystal Peaks in our area. Talk about a divine connection. Wow... that just blew me away. And God's provision to go! Mir called me the day before our flight left and asked me if I wanted to go. Her brother had backed out. I got his plane tickets for the same price (and we weren't able to transfer them) and they had room for me at Crystal Peaks (their clinic was booked). It was definitely God ordained. :-)

I was also a counselor for Senior 2 (high school age) camp at Living Waters this summer. It was amazing as it always is. But it was especially cool for me because...well... I don't know how many years I've seen kids drunk in the Spirit or with the Spirit of laughter on them and I guess I just gave up on that ever being me. I've just always been a "Holy Ghost Bouncer" as Rick calls us. I got drunk laughing 2 nights in a row. I feel sheepish admitting it but man it was fun. Actually the first time laughter hit me was in the lunch line. Someone had to get my tray together for me. I was just laying on the floor of the kitchen laughing. *sheepish goofy smile* But man it was good...*soft chuckle* rather, man it was God. :-) I think I also came away from Living Waters with a better understanding of walking in the Spirit (like Paul talks about in Corinthians) vs. walking in the flesh. Autumn (long time friend and fellow counselor) made what I thought was a rather neat statement. She was talking about her boyfriend/fiance-when-he-gets-the-money-for-a-ring and she said what irritates her the most about him is when he gets off in the flesh. And I realized how true that is about all of us. I mean, we shouldn't walk around all detached from life, but there's this state of seeing life more consistently through God's eyes and not our own. And that's where we need to be. I've certainly failed on more than one occassion since I've been home, but I know where I'm headed? I mean, I know this is the kind of lifestyle God wants His people to lead. Walk in Love. And my love isn't enough for me to love anyone or anything. I have to be full of His love.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect through weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weasknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, fore Chirs's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

~2 Corinthians 12:9-10

arg... I'd share more but I need to get moving with my day... I want to share so much more!! *sigh*... ah well. 'Til I have time again.

Count Down to the End of School

2006-12-06T17:05:00.000-05:00

Exhaustion. End of semester frustration. Trying to not catch a cold. General Frustration with Life, the Universe, and Everything. And perhaps in all of it am I finally truly seeing what matters here? Am I finally recognizing that there really isn't any happiness outside of God and I haven't really taken the time to talk to Him all week or more and that's really what's eating my soul the most? I don't know. Well, I do know spending time with God needs to be of greater importance in my life. How silly of me to think otherwise...(soft laught to self) and retarded for that matter. Don't talk to the Giver of Life all week and expect to be cheery. Right. Okie doke.. well all I'm doing here is complaining so I'll shove off but I thought I'd at least try to type up a bit while I'm here at work. I do love ya'll my peoples!!!!

A Meager Attempt at Catching Up

2006-11-29T16:30:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know.. I am a very very bad blogger. I've not updated since August. However I do indeed still exist. And this is the first time at work that, strangely, I've found myself in a mood to blog. It's not a case of me not wanting my friends to keep up with me... it's me finding my self in an emotional extreme whenever I would sit down and have time to type and I'm not sure that's a healthy view for people that I don't talk to frequently enough to have of my emotional/mental state. So finally I find myself in an non-extreme mood WITH time to blog. (That's the other thing... when I'm feeling rather normal I usually don't have time to blog %).)Anyway....

Graham dear and I are still dating. :) He was such a sweetie this week. I left my Bible in his car on Monday, so Tuesday he planned to meet me somewhere on his way to church and he greeted me with Starbucks coffee (my favorite, a hazelnut latte) and Starbucks ornaments that he said I absolutely had to have that couldn't wait 'til Christmas. He's been a sweetie. We've had our rough moments... sometimes between us and somes with our parents but nothing worth ending the relationship so far (and hopefully not ever ;o)).

Thanksgiving was good. Graham and I celebrated with our respective families and he left Thanksgiving evening to go hunting at his grandpa's place with his brother and some friends. While they saw alot of does, it's buck season and he was the only one that saw a buck and shot it. Yup... he got a 5 point buck. We're pretty proud of him. Mom made the comment that "Well, we know the boy can provide now!". :)...

I feel like I'm writing some sort of documentary now. It's strange....

Monday was his birthday and I got up super early to get to school before I had to be a work so I could write "Happy Birthday" on his car w/window chalk. I succeeded in writing on his windows but the boog didn't go to his 8am class so I got caught in the act. He liked it though and was excited so that's good. Doing that was alot of fun. It's strange how much it pleases me to make him feel special. But it does. :)

Ah, well, I guess there have been some major academic decisions lately. I'm not happy in school and it's not where God wants me anymore. So after this semester I'm indefinitly out of school (as far as being a student) until God says otherwise. The plan is to seriously get back into horses (there's fear in my heart at saying that b/c I know I've said it so many times and it hasn't happened and I'm scared it still won't happyen but... I have to at least try don't I?), and pick up another part time job. I've applied at a place in the mall and I'm gonna apply at one other place downtown so we'll see what goes. But working and saving up for a horse trailer and another horse (perferrably lesson pony) is the plan for now. In the mean time I'm getting through Physics. Which, after an interesting conversation with a co-worker, I think I've come to believe that I've found something academically that I'm just not good at. As stuck up as this could sound, I've just never really had that happen before. So I may be getting a B in this class (I know, I know, and you all laugh that getting a B is what happens when I'm not good at something %)..)

That's kind of the summary of my life right now. Things seem to be a bit of a roller coaster ride at times. But aren't they always no matter what our state or condition? It's just a matter of learning to enjoy the different parts of the ride. So things are getting a bit busy down here so I'll sign out. I love ya'll!!

Stuff I've Been Reading Lately

2006-08-12T10:06:00.000-05:00

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

"Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again. For however important chastity (or courage, or truthfulness, or any other virtue) may be, this process trains us in habits of the soul which are more important still. It cures our
illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God." ~C.S. Lewis from Mere Christianity

"Oh love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee;
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be."
~George Matheson from Passion & Purity

Sine Waves

2006-08-11T20:57:00.000-05:00

I got to meet with Hannah today and wow... I didn't realize how much I needed it. I think it was some of the best spiritually deep conversation I've had in a while. Not so much in that I haven't had a deep conversation with anyone else in awhile but.... we're on the exact same roller coaster. Our minds tend to work the same academically. The only difference is I am ready for a relationship and she's not quite there yet... but she has someone who I think will stick around. I hope he doesn't get distracted from her but anywho... that's not for me to worry about. lol.. in fact she and I both need to listen to her older sister. Worry is a sin!!!! Now to ENJOY the ride. To trust God that no matter where my relationships go He has called me to love and if that love leads to hurt then He is God enough to love me through it. Yeah, I already knew that... but, it's finally becoming living to me? Of course, just watch me. I'm not sure how long this place of "okayness" will last. We talked of how we've suddenly found ourselves in these intense struggles and it's not so much what we struggle with just that we find ourselves more fragile and craving security, joy, and peace and not always knowing how to receive it from God, but knowing that He must continue to be our source. And I suppose that's all I really know right now. *half smile* I suppose I should be heading myself for bed. I may post more on this train of thought as I process this evening more. I love ya'll! G'night

Ramblings

2006-08-09T21:11:00.000-05:00

Hm.. as usual it's been awhile since I've posted. It's prolly because life still tends to be its usual rollercoaster and I'm spending my time learning to enjoy the twists & turns and ups & downs instead of stressing over them. *wry smile* And I'm not accomplishing that as often as I'd like either. Ah well...

There's only 8 days left 'til fall term starts. I think I've been deeply frustrated lately that I don't really know, or perhaps don't like, where my life is headed. I took Dr. Krumpe's advice and looked at job listings online and I don't find any of them exciting. So on a whim I went back and looked at St. Andrew's college and I like the looks of their Therapeutic Horsmanship minor. I'm aching for horseyness in my life again. It would seem strange that I would have this struggle considering I own a horse, but.... something always finds it way in to keep me from it. For my time off from work, it's been the heat. Mom seems to think I've been putting my social life first (not calling that a sin though, just an observation). Funny I should feel the disclamer necessary though. Is my heart telling me I'm sacrificing something I shouldn't? I don't know anymore. At any rate it seems all my academic endeavors beyond AB are hanging upon money. I refuse to go in debit. I don't care to owe most of my income to anyone when I first break free of college. I'd like to be able to start saving right away for land and/or a house. I sound so domestic don't I? %)... I guess I've been pondering what I want out of life and how to get there and if any of it is really possible. I kinda feel like Reb Tevye, in my own way. And then I went to boundless.org and read this article. :).. and mom's pestering me to get offline since my darling boyfriend isn't here for me to talk to. I'm thinking about calling him and telling him to get online. I need to call him about Friday night. And Wednesday next week. Why oh why can't life be perfect? *sly grin*
*sigh* *humming "If I Were a Rich Man" to myself* I'm not really in as bad a mood as I may seem to be. Oh! I get pictures back from whitewater rafting tomorrow! Happy thought! :) I'm not in as bad as a mood as I may seem. Just a rather contemplative one... internal struggles tend to do that for me. BAH! I'm gonna quit being a wet blanket and get outta here. Much love to you my peoples! May God continue to bless you and fill you with His love.

A Bit of Randomness at Work

2006-07-19T13:56:00.000-05:00

hmm.... I'm in a pretty good mood, me thinks. I'm excited about Ballroom Dancing this fall. I dont' know if I'll get to take it but I reeeeally reeeeally hope Graham will take it with me. (You have to register with a partner.) The Continuing Education Division at AB Tech ROCKS!!!!!!! Check out the "Practical Skills" and "Special Interests" links on the left. Aren't they awesome?!? And they have beginning guitar classes too! Only prob for me is it's at the same time as ballroom so.. I'd rather dance ;). But wow... I've just fallen in love with continuing education. I'm doomed to be a student forever... on the academic note....

I've recently talked to Dr. Krumpe (the chair of chemistry @ UNC-A) and wow did I ever find favor w/him. He wants to set up a time with me in Aug. to work out a schedule for my bachelor's and he's going to let me audit Organics 1 just for the heck of it. He's very willing to work with me and he's very oriented to helping his students succeed. And he's one of the main organics teachers there anywho so the fact that we seem to get along is great. He'll likely end up being my professor. Good stuff, my peeps.. good stuff... I'm actually excited about starting classes there in the spring. As for this fall I'm gonna be taking Gen. Physics 1 (1st half of calc based physics) with Hooper. We'll see where that goes. I'm not fond of the man at all but he's the only professor teaching the only section of the class I need to transfer so, *shrug*.

The very thought of you and I forget to do
The little ordinary things that everyone ought to do
I'm living in a kind of daydream
I'm happy as a king
And foolish though it may seem
To me that's everything

The mere idea of you, the longing here for you
You'll never know how slow the moments go 'till I'm near to you
I see your face in every flower
Your eyes in stars above
It's just the thought of you
The very thought of you, my love

I'm at work and one of my co-workers has a novel titled The Very Thought of You and that reminded me of that song. I really like that song. :) I'm glad to be happy. :) :)

Okay... I can't think of anything else to say right now. I'm gonna go email Becca some stuff about Living Waters and then who knows what I'll do. Later and love ya'll!

P.S. Hey check out this link Lord of the Rings Parodies. They haven't actually recorded any of the songs but some of the American Pie rewrites are fun and check out this Under the Sea rewrite... and it's just a good bored day thing to do.

Things Floating About In My Head and Journal

2006-07-13T22:32:00.000-05:00

Rain, Lord, we thrist for water
Rain, we are desert land
Rain, on Your sons and daughters
Rain, bring Your rain again
~Days of Fire

You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song
You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song
You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song
And I will sing again
~Third Day

Rain, Lord, we thirst for water
Rain, we are desert land
Rain, on Your sons and daughters
Rain, bring Your rain again

"For the king trusts in the Lord,
through the unfailing love of the Most High
he will not be shaken." Ps. 21:7

"May the Lord answer you when you are in distress,

may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.

May he send you help from the sanctuary

and grant you support from Zion.

May he remember all you sacrifices

and accept your burnt offerings.

May he give you the desire of your heart

and make all your plans succeed...

Now I know the Lord saves his anointed;

He answers him from his holy heaven

with the saving power of his right hand.

Some trust in chariots, some in horses,

but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."

Ps.20:1-4,6&7

"God is our refuge and strength,
and ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea..."
Ps.46:1-3

"The Lord is faithful to all his promises

and loving toward all he has made.

The Lord upholds all those who fall

and lifts up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look to You,

and You give them their food at the proper time.

You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing."

Ps.145:13b-16(emphasis added)

"He brought me out into a spacious place;

he rescued me because he delighted in me."

Ps. 18:19

Kiss An Angel Good Mornin'

2006-06-29T12:35:00.000-05:00

You've got to kiss an angel good morning
And let her know you think about her when you're gone
Kiss an angel good morning
And love her like the devil when you get back home

How is it I seem happiest when I'm being a little "naughty"? (Graham would call the last line of that chorus naughty in our present state.) I'm in a very good mood right now. Why? I'm not sure. I still have a thousand little things that bug me sometimes, or not bug but worry. And here I sit analyzing my own happiness. BAH!! I'm happy and shall be. Becca likes "my man". He "loves and adores" me. And anyway...."Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira is way more naughty. Sure it's about dancing but it's quite sensual. Gosh.. I'm acutally posting this.. my mother would be horrified. And now I have "Hips Don't Lie" in my head. I love the tune of the song and it really does make me want to dance but... bah whatever... I'm choosing to stay in a state of ignorant bliss today. Much love, my peoples!

"Whap! Thump! KerWack!"

2006-06-28T15:39:00.000-05:00

That, my dears, is what life feels like it's doing to my head.....all of me actually.. but knowing what a worry wart I can be, it's quite easy to conclude why my head seems to be getting the beating. Is life really that bad? No, just more stressful than I prefer and I'm seriously thinking about being 5 years old again. I know, I know... then I wouldn't know any of you. And I love you all dearly. But ignorant bliss is enticing. The silliest thing that I've rather beat myself for because it was really letting Satan get to me... Graham went to a concert w/guyfriends last night. He called me several times from the concert but never left a message (and I missed the calls). And when he didn't call 'til noon-ish today I was worried that perhaps something happened. How stupid is that? He really had no reason to call me at all. There's no requirement that he should have and no reason for him to think that I would be concerned... will someone make my brain stop working like this????!!!! ARG! That I can live with though and just think "Bah, I was being silly." and determine not to think that way again. In other frustrations...I'm now responsible for paying for my own gas. No biggie.. and a reasonable request from my parents... however I live in the middle of nowhere and have already spent a bit over $900 of my parent's money on gas this year. I've been fore-warned it's rediculous to spend that much on gas particularly on my income and I don't blame my 'rents for not wanting to keep it up, but the lectures on "curtailing" one's social life are annoying. Thankfully I have a lovely boyfriend who will come and pick me up if I ask. But someday it will come to "He shouldn't be wasting so much money on gas. He needs to save." So we'll talk on the phone. "You spend entirely too much time on the phone." Well at least I'm already paying for my part of the cell phone bill and Verizon to Verizon is free!!!! Again, I'm likely over thinking and stressing. *sigh*... Having a social life to the extent that I do isn't wrong. I can't help that I live as far away as I do. I'd love to move closer to Asheville but I don't have the financial means yet.. that's why I got talked into going back to school. There really shouldn't be such a thing as too much time with my boyfriend so long as I'm not neglecting personal time with God and not letting my other relationships deteriorate completely. We're looking at spending the rest of our lives together.. we find some amount of time "too much" right now then perhaps we should seriously question marraige. We haven't reached that point. *sigh* But am I letting my relationship with my parents deteriorate or is it just a natural growing away? Mom thinks she's done a great job letting me go.. which so far she has but I can see her not happy if I moved out if I didn't see her everyday. I dunno....ARG! It just feels like a lot of different transition/changing seasons of my life are happening at once... particularly my relationships and finances. I know that I know I don't know everything. I have a lot of growing to do. But everything seems like it's in a thick spider's web that I keep struggling against and I just keep tearing things little bit by little bit that I don't want to. I do need full days at home to think and spend time with God. I do know that much. And I need to stay concious of taking on as much extra responsiblities around the house as I can. And doing stuff with mom. I feel stretched. Spending time with Court, Graham, and Mom... and I'd love to spend more time with Dad. Mom seems to be of the opinion if you feel stretched, drop something. But that option makes me want to sit down and cry. I love my parents and my friends. *sigh* This is just a tough growing spot I guess. It will be okay. :o). At least the talks mom and I have had so far have gone well. She's trying to work with me and I'm doing my best to show I'm will to work with her. I know that these relationships are a God thing so this is just Satan coming against me and my family and the Good that God has planned for me.

"Judith"

2006-06-26T20:22:00.000-05:00

O her eyes are amber fine -
Dark and deep as wells of wine,
While her smile is like the noon
Splendor of a day of June.
If she sorrow - lo! her face
It is like a flowery space
In bright meadows, overlaid
With light clouds and lulled with shade.
If she laugh - it is the trill
Of the wayward whippoorwill
Over up land pastures, heard
Echoed by the mocking bird
In dim thickets dense with bloom
and blurred cloyings of perfume.
If she sigh - a zephyr swells
Over odorous asphodels
And wan lilies in lush plots
Of moon-drown'd forget-me-nots.
Then, the soft touch of her hand -
Takes all breath to understand
What to liken it thereto! -
Never rose-leaf rinsed with dew
Might slip soother-suave than slips
Her slow palm, the while her lips
Swoon through mine, with kiss on kiss
Sweet as heated honey is.
~by James Whitcombe Riley

the names not quite right for me but *shrug*... a girl's gotta dream right? :)... g'night

Okay...so I've had enough with blogthings...

2006-06-20T16:00:00.000-05:00

I'm super tired and I'd love to go to bed. I also feel like talking in short choppy sentences. The first day of VBS (yesterday) went really well and so did today I think. I'm freezing cold (this building is kept rediculously (sp?) cold). I have one hour left in here. Mom's sick for the 4th day in a row with a fever over 100F. She doesn't want me to go to growth group tonight. I called dad and told him her fever's back up and he said to call him after I get off work to see if I really need to come home. I hope mom's not too upset with me if he says I don't need to come home. I'm really really bored and I don't like the questions floating around in my head. Or rather... I don't like the uncertainty or worry in my head/heart. I just don't want to make a wrong decision, ya know? I hope Graham and I really are become good friends as friends and not just because we enjoy each other's attention. I don't like the feeling of having neglected my girlfriends. But Court's been busy. Kat's been out of town. Hannah-Deeah is in Ireland. I see Brooke twice a week, and I don't have messenger at work to talk to Becca. ARRGGG!!!!! only 5 minutes after 5!!!!!!!! I have 55 minutes to go!!!!....Day-o ho daaaaay oh!/ A-daylight comin' an' I wanna go home!... I'm at work btw... if you hadn't guessed and haven't stopped reading after boredem.. .and someone needs help.. gotta go

And yet my third blogthing posted here

2006-06-20T15:55:00.000-05:00

I like all but the last line of this one... can u tell I'm bored at work?

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will only have one true love.

You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't?

You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky.

In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm.

Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

Another Blogthings Quiz

2006-06-20T15:44:00.000-05:00

I found this quiz intersting :).

You Are Likely an Only Child

At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated.
At work and school, you do best when you're organizing.
When you love someone, you tend to worry about them.

In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic.
Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management.
You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.

The Birth Order Predictor

Dang... I'm just not good a keeping my blog updated...

2006-06-16T21:32:00.000-05:00

Am I?...:)... well, would saying that Graham and I are officially dating as of June 11 make up for it at all? Maybe? Just a little bit? :) And we've had our first "arguement". Not really an arguement though, I've been stressed out the past couple of days about making our accountability list and mom getting up set about Graham teasing me about kissing and then yesterday Graham was just aggrivating me for the heck of it and it was bad enough that I was still very irritated this morning and didn't really want him to come over tomorrow like planned. So I called him and we talked about it and he apologized profusely. And we're good again. It sounds somewhat silly now but he was seriously getting on my nerves. I haven't been that irritated in a very very long time. But anyway, it's better and I want to get over it and not think about it anymore if I can help it.

Hannah! Sheesh! I'm sorry! I have a draft email started to you and I haven't had time to finish it!! I still love you bunches girly!!! And Rebecca dear, I love you too! Sorry I haven't had time to talk. I hope the summer job situation is working out for ya. My I've negelcted my computer peeps. I'm sorry ya'll.

Today was a strange day kinda. My first day with the house to myself and no dog. She'd always follow me around and when I'm by myself she's great to talk to. *sigh* ah well...

We're reading Atonement by Derek Prince at my grouth group at church. It's incredible. I need to send out a mass email about what chapters we didn't cover last group though. ai ai ai....I'm also re-reading Passion & Purity. I absolutely love that book still. Elisabeth Elliot is such an amazing, awesome lady. I don't say that lightly either. Passion & Purity is a must read for anyone. It's so good.

I went to Living Waters last weekend for a ministry training retreat. It was quite needful and good. I'm glad I went for preparation for VBS at Gateway. *sigh* VBS @ Gateway.... I feel so behind, other than spiritually. Working part time isn't helpful with VBS... even if it is just Math Lab. Ah well.

Ah me ah me... I really need to get to bed. I've got presents I need to wrap for Father's Day, which will get added to the things that need to be done tomorrow before Graham comes over.

OH! one last thing!!! There's another summer dance planned at All Saints in Biltmore Village!!! I'm really really excited about going. Once I know whether or not Kathryn and Brooke are going I'll decide if I am... at least I hope I am. I definitely hope Graham wants to go and there's a part of me that wants to go without him if he doesn't want to go. I'm not sure if I will though. I guess it depends on if it's okay with him if I go w/o out him because I will dance with other guys. I dunno... theres also a part of me that totally rebels at that idea of it having to be okay with him. But I guess that's not me being a very good girlfriend? I dunno.. we'll see how this goes. I really really really want to go though. Okay.. I'm going to bed now... I love ya'll!!!!

Eh.. too long..too long

2006-05-24T16:50:00.000-05:00

Wow.. ever so much has happened since I posted last. Graham and I have become way more serious in that we've finally admitted that we're not "just friends" though we're not offically dating. (Offically dating will be him asking my parents' permission which originally wasn't required by my parents but since I've talked to them they're expecting to be asked. They are also quite enthusiastic and will give him permission.) Um... yeah so I have a will-be-boyfriend...lol... He says I should just call him my boyfriend b/c we basically are dating - we act like a dating couple and talk about things as if we were dating. *sigh* I'm going to see him at his work tonight. It's his last night at the Market before he starts working with Brian for the summer. Sometimes the relationship scares me and sometimes I scare myself in it. Sometimes we seem to be moving to fast and other times everything seems normal. And he doesn't seem 18 to me. I'm really not comprehending the fact that he's graduating from highschool this May. Wow. I'm a bit nervous about tonight. But ah well.

My beloved doggie died unexpectedly on Thursday. I took her to the vet on Tuesday to get regular shots and have her examined b/c she had a bit of a dry cough. The vet and I talked about it and he said it may be a 50/50 chance it was either her heart (she had a murmur) or an upper respitory. She was so chipper I decided to wait on x-rays and go home with antiboitics and prednizone (sp?) and just bring her in if things got worse. Wednesday morning Courtney and I left for our long planned vacation to Charleston and Sandy hadn't changed much but she still seemed very happy and in good spirits running around outside. By that evening, Mom said she seem to be just a bit down and if she wasn't better by morning she'd be taking Sandy back to the vet. Thursday morning mom said Sandy looked like she'd been standing all night and her lungs seem so congested that if she laid down she might not be able to breathe. So Dad let her outside to go potty while he and mom got ready to take her back to the vet. Dad left the van door open when he let her out and when he went to call her back in she was sitting in the driver's seat with her usual "You're not leaving w/o me right? I saw my leash earlier." And seemed really excited to go for a car ride. Mom sat with her in the back seat and all she can guess is Sandy had a heart attack on the way died before she reached the vet. Mom called me while Court and I were out on Folly Beach to tell me. None of us expected it. She didn't seem the least bit truly ill. Even the vet was a little freaked when he found out. *sigh*.. It's been hard on all of us. I think mom especially since that's the first time she's ever had a pet die in her arms. I stayed on vacation in Charleston and came home on Saturday like planned. It was hard coming home on Saturday. There was no happy doggie face to greet me. I still look for her. And I guess I will for awhile.

Graham's been such a sweetheart about the whole thing. Mom knew he'd be calling me while I was out of town so she called him to let him know Sandy had died (he's gotten to meet her twice.. my dog that is...)and he called me almost immeadiately after mom talked to him to make sure I was doing okay was going to be alright and I burst into tears and well... he's just been wonderful and understanding. Mom rather adores him. :) So do I. *sheepish smile*

Well, I've been posting all of this at work so obviously work this summer at AB-Tech has been incredibly slow. And I'm not going to Va. Tech in the fall. Financial aid didn't come through. So I shall consider it a God-closing-a-door thing.

Graham has said that unless God says otherwise he really doesn't see any reason for us to not get married. And honestly our families get along very well and we get along very well with each other's family. Mom and Dad have started coming to Gateway with me. Did I ever mention that they came to Easter lunch at the Bry*nt's house with me? Yeah...it went rather well. Mom's encouraging Graham and I to spent a good bit of time together. His parents would prefer we be "offically" dating before we do that so... that's what the slight kink in things is.

Well, I have 10 mintues left before I leave to see Graham and eat supper so I guess I'd better get goin'. Sorry to leave you hanging.. I feel like I've just blurst (yes I do indeed mean blurst.. and it's a word cuz I said so) much upon you and I'm not sure what to think of it all myself. I miss my dog. Graham's gonna be such an awesome daddy and husband, but should he be my husband? (it's not like we don't have plenty of time to decide)*sigh* What on earth am I doing with my life? I don't want more school but it seems like I must. I really want to go on vacation with Graham someday. We'd have fun together. AHHHHHH too many thoughts!!!! too many thoughts!!!!

Wierd?

2006-04-21T15:03:00.000-05:00

lol... I found this waaaay to entertaining to not post here.. these stupid quizes are so addictive...

You Are 40% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird...But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Songs Playing in My Head

2006-03-03T14:31:00.001-05:00

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

High King of heaven my victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son!
Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

I put loneliness, your lips and the two coins of your eyes into my pocket.. yeah yeah

Lift me up and hold me near
Warm my heart and calm my fears
See I don't wanna lose this love I found
So burn my bridges burn them down..

And all I have to give Him... is adoration..

He raises a wrinkled hand through the dust and the flies
Wrapped in rags like we are and with barely opened eyes
He takes my finger and he won't let go and he won't let go
It's nothing like I knew before and it's all I need to know

Come let us adore Him
He has come down to the world we live in
And all I have to give Him.. is adoration.

For the beauty of the earth
For the Glory of the skies
For the love which from our birth
Over and around us lies

Lord of all to Thee we raise
This our hymn of grateful praise

I have so many mixed emotions right now. But everything's gonna be alright. I really like him alot though. As if you hadn't already noticed %). The baring of my heart that I mentioned was letting him have my blog address..but he's promised to erase is browser history and he'll hold true. If nothing else I am so grateful that he wants to talk about everything. He very much doesn't want there to be missunderstandings. And that is lovely. Now I just have to get "unaddicted" to wanting to talk to him all the time *embarrassed face*. I'm going through withdrawl from not talking to him all day yesterday %). Yeah, I have issues. But it's all gonna be okay :).

Heavenly Father, I love You so much. Please continue to guide me and give us.. all of us.. wisdom for our days.

Very Tired and Dazed

2006-02-28T04:14:00.000-05:00

Well, I started today out really well, in constant song that lasted most all day. Oh update that I did talk to Dad about him and Daddy's only advice it that it takes awhile to get to know someone. I'm just wondering how well you can get to know someone when it seems you're always flirting. Not that I don't enjoy it.. in fact I'm not particulary certain I'd want it to stop anytime soon. But still the question remains. I'm about entirely over the age difference. And confession of confessions... I've bared my heart to him and I'm wondering at the sanity or lack thereof on my part. There's part of me that's blown away that he really cares to know that much about me. And another part of me that thinks I've really just lost it to let him hear my rather unedited thoughts. Only time will tell, but right now I just feel... scared. Because that's the closest I've let a guy in or the most any guy has wanted near my heart? And I don't really know if it's safe. Not that he'd intentionally hurt me.. but what if it hurts him? Or he doesn't like what he sees... that'd really be great if he realizes.. ugh.. not what I was after.. but then I wouldn't want him to lie and hang around and be unhappy. ARG! I wish life wasn't stressful!! Or as the previous post.. we were only allowed to like "the one" and be saved this torment of wondering and fear that exsists from being mishandled in the past. Oh for perfection, eh? *sigh* I'd better get me to bed before I think any more.... sometimes I'm not sure if thinking is good or not. I don't really know that much about him.. I guess I've got to stop being shy of asking questions. I've never been nosey but perhaps I'm not nosey enough. *shudder* One minute it seems what's too good to be true might just really be true. And the next I know I've thought I was convinced of things before and was so disasterously wrong and I distrust myself. He seems pretty convinced. I just wonder if he really knows the extent of the power he holds over my heart. I'm really tired.. it's late.. and I really should get to bed. G'night

Unsettled Thought

2006-02-19T00:16:00.000-05:00

I'm spoiled. Not only did he spend his Friday evening with me, I got to enjoy the heated seats in his car, he wandered in B&N w/ me (even suggested it), gave me a neck massage *embarrassed face*, and told me how pretty he thinks I am (in not quite so blunt terms). He's quite the gentleman. And I fear my heart is too easily had. I'm suppose to just encourage the friendship.. but how am I suppose to keep from my heart being involved (and his heart more importantly) when every little way he pursues me just..."hits the spot"? Damn if he weren't younger! Why does he have to be exactly what I've asked God for? I know... Hannah's prolly flipping out at this point. Camille was thoroughly disgusted at even the hint of the idea. *shrug* am I blinded by attention? and heated seats? *wry smile*...*headshake* ah me... I fear I'm not in good shape to be blogging tonight. Too much confession of how I really feel. Feelings are deceptive. Don't trust them. Intuition yes.. but not just feelings. I have this sense of failure. Like I've really done it this time. I clued him in on how I feel and only emotional/relational disaster awaits. I'm sure it's my own morbidity. I just wish... that I wouldn't like anyone 'til the right one came along? And that that were true for everyone so none of us would screw up. He needs to get an education.. at least an associates from AB if nothing else. I don't think people realize what a darling he is. He hides behind the family sense of humor alot. :)... I have issues.. and questions... and perhaps answers I don't want to hear. I guess I'm not really looking for any here. I'm just getting this out and wishing it'd all go away.

I got mail from Va. Tech today. They still are accepting me into their Biochemistry program. Part of me seriously doesn't want to go. And some compulsive academic part of me is ready to run off and go. Using my mind still sounds like fun... but it seems like the horse stuff keeps dying off. I hate that happening. ya know what my daydream is? Living on my own land in a large log cabin or farmhouse with a garden out back and forested mountainside beyond that. Rolling pasture stretching out in front... barn off to the right perhaps. About a dozen horses out at pasture. A few mine.. a few I'm training. A broodmare of my own in foal out there too maybe. My small but flourising horse business. My boys coming tearing in the mud room from whatever games they'd been playing at in the woods... just in time to get cleaned up for supper. Setting the table, while my husband just comes through the door (coming home from work) gives me a hug and asks what smells so good.. I tell him it what's in the skillet... he says no it has to be me.... later on that evening the boys catching fireflies in the front lawn/pastures with the dogs...my hubby and I (and likely the cat) on the front porch watching them... and the stars coming out... and talking about how our day went.... and wondering together... and marveling at God's hand where ever we happen to see it. :)...
Do I ask too much of life? I don't know.. but that's really what I want. Funny.. I know I may have daughters but I always think of boys when I think of having kids. %) watch me get all girls.
:) wouldn't that be cool to waltz on the dewy summer evening grass with your husband? :D... I like that idea. Maybe I dream too much.. but no.. without a vision the people perish. *soft smile*... I don't know when or with who but I don't think God would deny me my heart's deepest desire. Perhaps that isn't the picture of happiness. But for some reason it's what I think I really want. I dunno... I think I'll just go to bed now and pray my daydreams come true. I love ya'll...later :)

Personality Quiz Result

2006-02-12T22:55:00.000-05:00

You Are A Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this worldSo much so that you tend to live in your head most of the timeYou have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult
You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.
Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

just interesting.. I don't know what the other souls are like but I just found this rather accurate. What do you think?

Snowed In

2006-02-12T19:38:00.000-05:00

I've been snowed in today. Being stuck at home w/church canceled is one of those things that makes me wish I had siblings.. particularly a younger sister. For the most part I'm quite happy to be an only child but it'd be nice to have a younger sister to torment and play in the snow with. Did I really just confess to wanting to torment another human being? I guess I did *impish-yet-innocent smile* I took pictures most of which I posted at myphotoalbum.com. There's some under the "Nature" album and some under "Horses and Horseshows". It's been an overall slow but quiet day. I talked Brian earlier. He and I decided we need to become millionares and we came up with our own business idea to accomplish it. We'll start our business when we're 25. :) I've tried calling Court and Graham so far and niether have answered their phones so B and Art are the only ones I've talked to. I went and saw "End of the Spear" w/ Brian and Graham on friday. It was a really good movie. AH!! I remember!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D... the guy that plays Nate Saint in the movie looked so stinkin' familiar! He played Dr. Quinn's oldest adopted son on the TV series, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. That was a good series. No one ever shows it any more though. Jane Seymore starred in it. And I'm talking in short choppy sentences. %p

The snow was too powdery to make anything with but when it does melt down I'm gonna make a hershey's kiss. Why? because I want to. *decisive nod of head* :).

I just got off the phone with Court so Graham remains to be the only one left to talk to today that I would feel cheated if I didn't get to talk to because I didn't go to church. But mom's wanting me to come downstairs and watch The Color Purple with her so even if he does call I may not get to talk to him. *sigh* At any rate.. I think I'll end this post.. Oh! after this ;)

While I was out taking pictures today I saw the beautiful little cardinal on the north side of the house in the pine trees. I didn't think to get my camera up quick enough but he was just so poetic. At piece of vibrant, red brightness flitting about the white snow and almost blackish green of the pines. I was just a lovely little "I love you" from my Heavenly Father... course I guess all the beautiful aspects of the snow are if you think about. But the snow isn't just for me but for everyone. :) I think today was just a God ordained kinda day. Not that they aren't all God ordained... but ya know? I guess I just noticed His hand more today and hopefully it was His smile that I felt upon it. :) But I'm gonna go now.. I love ya'll!!

Unconnected Thoughts...

2006-02-05T19:45:00.000-05:00

...yet connected all the same :).

Funny how this life is.. you'd think so long as something wasn't morally wrong, there shouldn't be any reason for one to wish away things that make one smile. Yet I find myself doing just that. But then there's this terrifying place for me of learning how to love and letting my heart be stretched out in ways unfamiliar... and going before God and asking to be that kind of woman, who by others loving her become more true and loving to what they should be. And realizing that, that won't come until I let go of fears and stay near Him and learn His ways. And trust. And not be afraid and not wish away those things that make me go around and smile like a silly goose. Just offer them up to Him at the end of the day and let Him have them. And trust that in days to follow He'll continue to provide those smiles when I need them from whom He decides to send them through. Everything will indeed be okay. Trust. :) I never really realized how many or how strong my fears are sometimes... I guess I'd been hiding from them and I just freaked out at facing them.. but I'm facing them and shall walk through. :) I know this likely only makes partial sense but it's my mind working itself out.

When I did the 3 day fast with my church congregation I fasted secular media so in the evening Mom and I ended up watch Christain TV. Through that we learned about this preacher in Ga. who was teaching on the 21 day Daniel fast (fasting meat, breads, & sweets...eating only fruits and veggies and drinking water) and fasting in general. I'm not inclined to go into it here, except it's a time of prayer and petition before God and it seriously weakens the enemy's strongholds in your life. Mom and Dad and I decided to embark on a 21 day Daniel fast together as a family starting tomorrow. We'll be fasting about somethings together (like moving closer to Asheville) and some things that we chose to pray about individually. I don't really know why I'm posting about it here - I hate telling ppl when I'm fasting - but perhaps I'll mention in posts to follow what I'm fasting about and such. I dunno. I just felt like posting about it. And I am excited about it... though... %p... fearful too. I guess fearful of what I might find out about myself or what I may be asked to let go of... but I'll just have to cross those bridges when I come to them, eh?

Today my church kicked off new season in the women's ministry. They've named the women's ministry QUEST.. which is an acronym for Quiet Spirit, Encouragement, Service, Training. I wasn't really comfortable with the acronym at first but the lady who's in charge has read Captivating and that somehow just set me at peace... and I'm excited about it. Oh.. btw... we "kicked off" by having a ladies' luncheon and cookie exchange. It was cool.

Life's a dance. And places and parts of it are so much fun and beautiful and you just get lost in the beauty and the joy of it. And other places are scary and rough because you want to anticipate the next part and you can't and none of it is familiar and being me I seriously worry about "messing it up" or "stepping on someone's toes". And that's where I just have to trust the Master Dancer and let Him lead and not get worried over not knowing what comes next and just be certain I'm in His arms 'cause if I'll just relax and listen to His sweeter song He'll guide me through the complicated part and make it beautiful.

...So close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal into something beautiful...
...And I'm still fighting for the word to break these chains
And I still pray when I look in Your eyes
You'll look back down into something beautiful...

Jars of Clay... kinda sad sounding but not meant to be. Just the song that came to mind. And it fits. It works too with the part I have in the dance coming up. That seems to be shaping up rather well too. It's still gonna be the grace of God I pull it off but things are falling into place. I guess I've not much else to say. I know life will work itself out in the end. heh heh I just don't like getting car sick in the bumpy parts of life's road. Ya know?...lol

I love ya'll!!!! Don't be too concerned by my unsettledness... all will be well. :)

2006-02-04T20:04:00.000-05:00

Batter my heart, three-personed God, for You
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend.
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurped town to another due,
Labor to admit You, but Oh! to no end.
Reason, Your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love You, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto Your enemy;
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;
Take me to You, imprison me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except You ravish me.

~John Donne

Beginning Rambles and Ending Prayers

2006-01-28T23:21:00.000-05:00

Hmmm... what strangely God ordained readings today. From reading 2 chapters in Captivating this morning and having something of a yell at God about it to Suzanne's ramble about needing other people in our lives. The song Hannah posted was perfect. The remembering why I chose the scripture or a scripture at all to describe this blog. If I do indeed have my own farm someday I believe I want to name it Beulah Land Farm or something with "Beulah Land" in it. Not only because Beulah means married but because that's my great grandmother's name too....
(Mother's complaining that my only "male communications right now are with an 18 yr. old". Arg. Like I asked God to please send me younger friends?! Like it doesn't totally freak me out sometimes? Like I didn't spend a half hour crying out to God this morning that I'm frustrated and terrified all at once? As if I'm not scared of not being a good friend and somehow failing what could be a great friendship b/c I get "needy" sometimes? *sigh* Why is this life so damn complicated could someone tell me?!? "Because of the Fall... because sin came in..." yes, I know why.. I just wish it weren't true. I have no answers; only hope that He will guide me and save me from my fears. )

Wow.. well that's not what I intended to post. Pero, que sera sera. I feel for Hannah right now. At first it seems creeps like you. Then guys who are too old. And now guys who are too young. But who's to say they really like you that much or that way? (the younger ones that is) Is there really no real shread of true "normal" friendship to be found? I mean... *sigh* I don't know what I mean. I guess I'm trying to rationalize or reason something to make it okay for him to call me and me to enjoy talking to him alot. ARG!!!!!!!!! I want out of this place. I want to live in a place where it's okay to be real and only people who know how to love like God wants us to love live and that we could all love perfectly like God wants us to so we could all live there. sarcastically: Why can't I just live in a perfect world?! humph! "male communication" who am I suppose to talk to? Brian? Drew? B's just B. End of story... heaven forgive me but Drew's just not good looking and not my type okay? So let's see... the rest are too young and just friends anyway... oh and Nathan's too catholic/i'm too protestant... we both argee to that. Why the hell do I have to analyze all my relationships like this? So there's no such thing as "normal". I admit that much. Why isn't there a place that's consistently good? Why is it so hard to get away from my fears? I'm asking questions I don't think have answers concrete enough to satisfy me. And now I feel bad I've just dumped all this on my readers. How is it you can so thoroughly enjoy someone's company and that person can still make you smile b/c of the silliest things and it's still all wrong or seems that way? I hate how it grates on me to live under her criticism whether she's right in a situation or not. Shall I cease to have friends all together? That's what it feels like somedays.

I wish the longing would go away. And the lovely daydream... it reminds me of Alexandria's daydream in the movie O! Pioneers. She dreamed of someone strong lifting her up like she weighed no more than a bundle of wheat. And that strength holding her.... I just detest this defeated feeling. I know it's the enemy. But how much longer, eh? Sometimes I don't even really want to be married so much as God to just come in and satisfy my heart. To not feel the longing... for a day. But I wouldn't be happy for a day... I'd want it everyday. So, God, come! Fill this hole You've purposely left in Your shape. You made me in Your image but left me hollow... fill me and satisfy my thirst. Make all the shadows of fear depart. Show me the right way. Teach me to be strong and consistent. Show me to love like You love. Teach me how to be the friend and woman you called me to be. And let tomorrow be good. *sigh* I love you, Lord.

Cowlicks:

2006-01-24T20:47:00.000-05:00

1) sections of hair that go awry, usually caused by invisible cows that come in the night and lick one's hair; sometimes the invisble cows become visible to one's cat in which case the cat attacks the invisble cows and honestly has no intention of murdering her beloved staff member (though sometimes the startled staff member wonders)

2) blocks of salt or large molasses feeding apparatus put out for cows to lick and cosume necessary nutrients; usually used in the winter though salt licks may be left out year round

(taken from Megan's Life Dictionary of Common and Uncommon Terms.. copyright pending ;)...)

Parking Lots Are Good for the Soul

2006-01-16T23:09:00.000-05:00

You think I'm crazy? Talk to Hannah or Courtney or Caleb or Jason or Brian or Graham or keep reading my blog :). Parking lots are good for the soul. They're for dancing in, having long conversations in, and explaining my unsettled-ness to mom and having a good cry in. Good crys are good for the soul too. They're even better in an empty-ish parking lot while spilling your troubles out to mom. It's strange. I usually don't like telling her because sometimes I guess I fear she'll over react or I dunno... she's mom ya know? But today it was good and I needed it. And I'm so much better again. I should lose my sanity one day and write a thorough essay on why I love almost empty parking lots. (It would be loss of sanity, becca dear, b/c I hate writing papers.)

...there's no where else that I'd rather be
than dancin' with You as You sing over me
there's nothing else that I'd rather do
more than to worship You...

Or at least that's how I remember the praise song going. :) I'm tired and don't really have much more to say. But I felt it quite necessary to make that statement about parking lots. Oh and becca, I like the "why adults should read children's lit" for your senior project... unless you really like the amer. folklure better. That's my opinion. I see why you like that love song too... :). Hannah-Deeah, have that latin tattoo on a green clover background ;). In fact, go ahead and make it a four leaf clover. I'll just have "DON'T PANIC" in large friendly letters on my left hand and a fully labled unit circle on my right. I am going to change the message thing on my phone. I'll try to this week. ;)

I love you my dears and I thank God for you almost daily! (well, you girls daily.. the boys on the days they don't annoy me..lol... just kidding! ;).) Lots of love!!

Doc Chey's & Mexican Staredowns

2006-01-16T00:54:00.000-05:00

Yeah.. that's where we went to eat after church today. Graham's dad wanted me to call him and tell him if Graham actually ate anything there. He made the point of explaining to me why Graham had no idea where the place was (it doesn't serve burgers or fries... it's a noodle house btw). Graham did get some kind of Thai wraps. The rest of us Chow Mien ppl. That was kind of amusing.

Church was really good today. I'm glad I went. I just don't have the energy to explain it here. :)

I feel like a loud mouth idiot sometimes.

Oh going with the previous thought I ratted on myself and told Graham about the embarrassing part of the video. He talked me into letting him watch it. He has sworn to not say anything to me about it and if he does I'm suppose to ask... I guess Jenny or his brother Ben, about some very embarrassing video footage of him. He did promise to not let his dad see it. Small victories?

I've had the first real conversation w/Art tonight in what seems like years. It's good to be whole, and for bitterness and anger to be washed away. Life is better. lol... relationships concerned are better for it. duh? :)

"I'm woman. I'm invincible. I am tired" - one Miss Wendy's t-shirts.

Tomorrow's Martin Luther King Day.... woot.... mom's crazy and wants to go shopping.

Ice skating is ankle building exercise.

btw... Doc's is the eatery...mexican staredowns are G's favorite bordem game... I need to find that boy a good nickname... I'm offically tired and should go to bed. :)

The Cosby Show

2006-01-14T02:05:00.000-05:00

I've grown up watching the Cosby Show and I still love it. Mom and I were watching it tonight and I want to be like Mr. and Mrs. Huxtable when I get married. Except not that many kids ;). It's just so sweet how they're still in love with one another. I never ever want that to go away... sure there are moments when you don't feel it but they don't have to be the norm... if there is such a thing as "normal". I think I think about getting married too much. :-p

I gave choreographing about an hour or more of my time today. Thank You, Jesus, for the creativity returning! I certainly don't have the whole thing down but I definitely made some good progress. I just need to somehow convey to the rest of the team that they too are gonna have to mime this one. I can't be in utter torment if my demons are only tormenting me with their hands. I guess I'm saying I can't tell the story alone. We can all pull this off and make it a great piece but we're gonna have to tell the story together. And I need the wisdom and the guts to pull Angie off to the side and tell her that. I don't want to challenge her authority or seem that way or seem pushing or anything. I'm quite happy that she's in charge and I love her alot. Mom says that I view her so much as a mom that I'm a little too hesitant to speak with her on more equal terms... but how could I? She is a mom.. her oldest is older than me. I know she respects me as not being her child and being an adult but still.. I'm a young'un to her. *sigh* I keep getting stretched don't I? I just want to say what needs to be said while remaining respectful and non-threatening if that makes any sense.

I got a new battery for my cell phone today. Now it won't be stupid and need charging every hour for an hour. %)

I've got two different songs wafting through my head and both of them are kinda depressing to listen to in their entirety: "Breathe (2am)" and "Catch Me When I Fall"

...I need a place to rest my weary head

Catch me when I fall
Save me from the tears
Though I might look strong
I'm not as I appear
Though I might seem brave
I'm really sad and lonely
Hear me when I call
In a voice so faint and small
Catch me when I fall

Except that line "I'm really sad and lonely" isn't true. I don't feel sad and I have such good and dear friends I can't really say I'm truly lonely. Its more agitated... unsettled... goaded, and uncertain. I don't like my heart being stretched out. I don't like that one's capacity to hurt is equal to capacity to love. I want to love more, yes. But I'm terrified of hurt. Aren't we all? Where is the escape from it? Yet there must be some comfort in the love. Yes, the fact that in spite of the discomfort in my soul, I am not lonely or isolated. That is the comfort. I love my church. I'm so glad to be there and for my friends there. I guess I'm just scared of the change that seems to be coming at me - at us - unevitably. The changes I know of, like increase in horse stuff, I welcome. It's the other changes and longings that are still nameless and unknown. Is there really that much comfort in having that "special someone" to share in these changes with? Or will there still be the fear that we won't change together in a good way but that one of us might become "bad" and all our joys would end? Or am I just entirely morbid for a single 21 year old? There are days it seems marriage is nothing more than two friends raising kids together and getting along. That it's rather easy though not without it's rough spots and more than one person could easily "fit the bill", it just depends on chance bringing you together with who at what time. Then there are other days when it seems like there could only be one person who could possibly be "the one" and if you're not careful you'll miss him or he'll miss you or you'll both screw something up and be miserable the rest of your lives. The truth must be somewhere in the middle... or unrelated at all. And I prolly shouldn't be contemplating these questions at such "ungodly" hours of the morning. I hate walking in this mental fog. Math makes more sense and is much more logical than life. Perhaps that's why I find it easy to bury all this when I'm taking classes. But it needs to be reckoned with. And I prolly am morbid for a 21 year old. Maybe we're all morbid about something. Or am I just trying to comfort myself with calling it a part of my humanity? It's prolly a little of both. %) Maybe that's the answer to everything: A little bit of both. I just wish I could shut my brain off... or that over analytical portion of it. And turn it back on when I need it.

Nicky did well again today. The weather turned wet and sounds icky and windy/cold right now so I prolly won't be working him tomorrow. I'll prolly being doing housework. Blech. Perhaps it would be good to go to bed and stop thinking now. I think I shall.

No one can find the rewind button now,
Sing it if you understand
And breathe, just breathe
Whoa breathe, just breathe....

God give us peace and wisdom. We need it so.

Day 52 of 52 Days of Integrity

2006-01-12T23:44:00.000-05:00

Wow... so my church's 3 day fast ended yesterday and now we're studying 52 days of integrity counting down. There seems like so much swimming in my head right now. I worked Nick today and how sweet it is to see improvement. And it was wonderful to have patience with him too. I'm almost scared to let the old desire come back for fear I'll only be disappionted. Oh what joy awaits me to ride again. And show! Of all things! :D Who needs sugar plums when images of magnificent rides, perfectly ridden courses, and seemingly effortless team work between horse and rider are in my head?

And then tonight we worked on choreographing "Set Me Free" on the new Casting Crowns CD at dance practice and I'm scared. Angie wants/expects me to mime alot, and I coulda backed out already but part of me really wants to do this. It's just been so long...longer than horse stuff? Is all that creativity still in there? It's really gonna take God for me to have the strength (creative and physical) to pull this off. I just hope and pray that I don't encounter "ghosts in my past" from this. I mean... all the crap we went though with Holly and New Covenant in general. I know mom's right; there's a lot of good acting and talent in me still yet to be seen. I'm just scared there are memories I'd rather forget attached to it. It sounds stupid but it's still startling how painful childhood wounds can be. And then Pastor Jay said tonight that he'd like to have me over to dinner or he and his oldest son (16 years) may like to take me to lunch next week. Or something like that. It just seems stressful and it shouldn't. And Jenny asked me to pray about helping her and Ben with drama/theater with the youth. I know this is all my background but still. Why am I so easily startled? And can I really handle the extra responsiblity? I can't even remember to call Caleb's mom back! *eye roll* HA! I want life to "happen" for me and soon but when it does in little ways I freak out and get overwhelmed. Only me, eh?

My restful or at peace moments today were working Nick and seeing progress and turning him out in the pasture after working him and having him follow me back up to the gate. And my other good moment was playing with Caroline (9 years). She's taking basketball or playing on a team and Ben (her big bro) had been giving her a hard time teasing her with the ball but when I left she came outside with me and we had fun stealing the ball from each other. My basketball skills are only a hair better than hers so we had alot of fun.

Why does life seem to be great and crashing or at least pressing really hard all at once? *sigh* I screwed up times sheets yet again. *shrug* Just felt like mentioning that. Jason bought me and Mary-Lisa fries today. I was only teasing him when I "demanded" he buy them. But he did it anyway. I'll have to remember to get him some fries later in the semester. I feel so distraught and I don't really know why. ARG!!! This why I don't like being a girl. I don't understand my own emotions. Otherwise I love dressing up (I can't believe I just said that), and I guess just being me. Who am I though? *eye roll* I'm thinking too much. Or coming up with too many questions w/o the gumption or ablility to answer them. La de da de da.......

yeah.. that's pretty much the contents of my mind right now... or at least as much as I'm gonna post here for tonight. I should get me to bed....... or a nunnery.... or both *goofy-yet-exasperated-with-self smile* oh.. one more random thing. I found quoting "Jabberwocky" to myself and Nick quite delightful of all things. It just gave me such a joyful carefree feeling.

...Daddy God, I'm simply not gonna make it without You. Please give me Your wisdom and peace in these decisions I need to make. Help me keep my heart on track. Please give me some new insight of creativity in this song. I know I'm where You want me at this church and on this dance team. I know You gave me the creativity and ability in the first place. And I know You can restore what fear and the enemy have tried to steal from me. And for one silly last prayer *sheepish look*... I want Angie and Jenny to glean the good stuff from that camp video but pleeease pleeeease pleeeease let them skip over that part with me looking and dancing dorky to Shackles... and especially don't let Graham see it. Or Ben, or Tim for that matter. I know that's shallow but I really don't want to have to live that one down. *embarassed face* Okay.. so maybe that's what's bugging me. I hope I'm not so shallow I can't handle myself being stupid. *sigh* Daddy, I just need Your peace so I can sleep and have a good day tomorrow.... I love You. And thank You for loving me in spite of myself and my insanities. Thank You for the wonderful friends You've put in my life. Show me how to love them like You do. And really how to love myself like You do. *quirked mouth* You know I don't mean to be conceited... so I'd better just go to sleep while I'm ahead....G'night and much love.

Am I Dreamin' Or Stupid?

2006-01-06T23:13:00.000-05:00

Welp, Brian asked Dominique to go fish shopping with us so his intent wasn't to pump info out of me about Graham. We did have a blast fish shopping! Brian got 10 fish and Dominique and I named them all.... well all but 2. Brian really wanted one named Neo and one named Wolverine so he got those two and the rest we named after movies or movie characters: Tinkerbell, Lucy, Mr. Tumnus, Capt. Jack Sparrow, Strider, Teal'c, Serenity, and Jack-jack. When we left Brian's house after seeing his beloved new fishies safely in their new home, Brian was "baby/fishie talking" to them. Yeah, weird but aren't we all? ;) At the store there was one tiny fish in a tank with a bunch of big fish that were lazily trying to eat the little guy. It about drove Domi crazy... she just couldn't handle the drama of it. Brian and I were about to die laughing at her gasping and going "oooo Noo!!" at the other fishes making passes at the little dude. Yeah, I guess it's kinda mean of us but... they're just fish. That's what big fish do; eat little fish. At any rate mine and B's lack of feeling for fish in general helped heighten our entertainment. :) And I called Graham on the way home from B's (yeah, we'd been playing phone tag all day so I owed him one) and he got to enjoy the story too. Apparently I'm somehow now losing this game of phone tag though I'm not sure how one is suppose to win it. Except that Graham just makes up his own rules that automaticaly give him a win. *shrug* whatever...

Dance practice went really well last night too. There's one song I've already danced to at camp with one of my campers that Jenny wants to dance to also, another song that Angie wants me to kinda be the main character and mime to which is cool but scary, and then a third song that we'd just dance to live during praise and worship kinda as a part of praise and worship. That last song opened some awesome discussion on how we'd all love to actually dance in church more during praise and worship but we don't want it for people to watch us. We just want to let loose with the music and if others feel led to join in, great! Only thing is to dance up front people will watch us. To dance in back we've got the sound booth guys for an audiance which yeah... they're gonna... nah I just don't wanna go there.. great guys but they'll make fun of us and I just don't like feeling like anyone's watching me or that I'm distracting anyone. So we talked about having some of the side chairs in the back moved. I don't know if that'll happen since our #'s have been increasing but perhaps... perhaps. :)

Okie.. I'm gonna go watch some M*A*S*H* re-runs w/mom. I guess I'll go ahead and finish the song (in the title) that I started with (and thanks to mom had stuck in my head today)...

I think I've been hit by cupid
And no one needs to know right now...

Unwritten

2006-01-04T01:07:00.000-05:00

okie.. so I'm gonna pull a Hannah because she burned me this awesome CD for Christmas and I have the first song stuck in my head.

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins...

Tell me if that's not a perfect song to start the New Year with? Yeah, I'm falling in love with other songs on the CD but right now I think that's what I'm gonna go to be singing when I go to bed and perhaps I'll even wake up with in my head. :) :) :) :) What a way to start a new year :) :).

Welp, I'm meeting Brian on Thursday night after dance practice to go fish buying with him. He has a fish tank and I guess he just hates going shopping by himself. Or mom thinks he's setting me up to ask me about Graham. Which there isn't much to find out... we just talk alot. Why? I dunno... we just really enjoy talking to each other about weird things. I think we've prolly talked for 15 minutes about his heated car seats and how I'm gonna steal his passenger one and install it in the driver's side of my truck. Or how you can stick a semi-tight sock on a cat's head and watch the aforementioned cat run around the house backwards until it finally figures out how to get the sock off. Or how Mark Twain is absolutely right that the art of lying is in shambles. Or how weird it is that I enjoy sticking my feet out his sunroof. ... whatever...lol.. and how his mom always says "It's never whatever" everytime one of her children say "whatever"...yeah we're wierd and we enjoy it about each other and nothing more... I bet Brian is setting me up. *sigh* Why can't life be perfect!?!? Sheesh.. like God couldn't figure that out yet %) ;). :) :)... but really, I do feel at peace. Just slightly annoyed. But I think I'm good. Yup... I'm aight. :) :)

Okay.. It's time for me to go to bed... but I wanted ya'll to know that song cuz it simply rocks! Lots of love!!!

What a Wonderful Life...

2005-12-27T15:04:00.000-05:00

..or just wonderful to be alive and quite coherent. I've been sick since...the 23rd? and have had random moments of being able to pull myself together and being "normal" but today is that first day after being sick that there are still some lingering symptoms but you feel so good to not be totally misrable that you think you could climb a mountian in half the normal time. Or something like that. I'm still weak.. but my head is far clearer and my appetite is returning :D. Enough on my health...

I finally went and read what I told Graham he ought to read in the Mark Twain book I let him borrow. I don't know why I liked The Facts Concerning the Recent Carnival of Crime in Connecticut. I guess when I first read it I loved the idea of killing my conscience.. but I was 14 or 15 then.. at the most. It's alright but rather bloody and gory and not as funny as I anticipated. I intend to apologize to him when he gets home. He did, however, love On the Decay of the Art of Lying which was my other suggestion and it was really good. So is Twain's Speech on the Babies. I'll have to get him to read that. :) Okie.. enough on my beloved Twain. ;)

It has been a good Christmas, no? Even being sick hasn't diminished it I don't think. And it definitely wasn't in material things that this Christmas was better than any others. Yet I don't know how to say that my heart found it more joyful than any of the rest. But it has been. I'm glad to have gone to church on Christmas day. It was so lovely. Not so much in what Pastor Jay had to say but in just fellowshipping with those friends whom I hold dear and worshiping together. Worshiping together with ancient hymns and new ones is just so sweet, ya know? That sweetness is actually reminding me of some words to a hymn, "..For the love which from our birth/Over and around us lies/Lord of all to Thee we raise/This our hymn of grateful praise.." Worshiping together, seems to me, like taking the love and warmth that is between us as families , friends and a congregation and lifting it up to our heavenly Father in adoration of Him. I don't always feel like that. Sometimes Sundays I feel as though it's my personal sacrifice and it's just something between me and God. And that is good. But it was so sweet on Christmas day to join together with others who care for me and I care for them and worship God together. :)....my language fails me to describe the feeling. But that's why I'm so glad to have gone to church on Christmas Day. I think the only thing better would have been if Mom and Dad could have come but that day will come soon. I understand their fears and reluctance to return to some gathering of the Body, but in good time it will come. :) I will not hound them. The Spirit will work quietly and gently in their hearts and when the time is right they will come. How amazingly blessed I am that my parents are as devout Christians as they are! I mean most people who say these things are hoping and praying for their parents' salvation too, but my situation is so different. My parents are the ones who've encouraged me in the Word and challenged me too. They've just been hurt so much... I don't blame them for their slowness in going back. "A thing of beauty is a joy forever..."(Mary Poppins) but that thing of beauty rarely happens over night. Sometimes time is our tormentor... and somes our sweet nurturer. It is when time seems full and is about to brim over with something good that she seems to us a sweet nurturer. And that's how I feel right now. I'm almost content, but I suppose I should be entirely content in any situation. *wry smile* may I write that off as me still growing?...*soft laugh*. I am learning. And I am growing. I am content.

I wish I had more peace about taking Josiah to the Opera Ball. I don't dislike him. We just don't click. We get along, agree on all the important things, but ... *sigh* I suppose I'm prolly taking things a little too seriously? (It's just friends going to a formal together.) I guess I'm slightly afraid he'll take things too seriously.. but he's said he doesn't want to date right now. And obviously he must realize we don't truly click. Why should I worry if we'll have a good time or not? A few of the girls from church will be there. Court Mc will have an opportunity to teach him how to swing dance. I guess there's this nasty twinge of fear that somehow I've bumbled things.
"You've been listening to fears, my child." (Aslan) :)

It's amazing how good it is to feel well after you've been sick. I feel like I could dance from here to... to... I don't know.... "I could dance a thousand miles/Because of Your great love..."

I'd prolly ought to get going... spend some time yakin' with God before I come back around (hopefully) tonight. :) Later my dears...*imagine music as I dance away :)*

If I Were A rich man...

2005-12-23T00:18:00.000-05:00

"...All day long I'd biddy biddy bum/If I were a wealthy man!"

Jessie and Jay got me Fiddler on the Roof for Chirstmas and Dad and I watched the first half of it tonight. I aboslutely love that song. :)

Bloomin' onions from Outback Steakhouse are seriously addictive. And Outback has reeeally cute waiters.

Ya know.. I really do like the boy as a dear friend but I can't honestly say that I know I'd want to marry him. I thoroughly enjoy talking to him... about anything... but that's not everything. Yeah, I think he's good looking and certainly tall enough. But... it really does need time. We do need to build a friendship. I just wish our friends would back off a bit and not be in such a hurry to marry us off. He needs time to grow and we both need time to get a bit more comfortable with each other. He needs to get over his initial crush. And so do I. I think I am. Everytime I have the time to really think about it I realize that while I don't have any specific objections I don't have solid good reasons other than he's a Christian. And I've prolly baffled you, my dear readers, at this point. But if you'll not mind me, I need to think this out a bit somewhere. And tonight that somewhere it here. Yes, I adore him.. but who's to say the adoration will last? I mean... Ar****'s family adored me, but that's ancient heartache and history. Mom seems convinced one of us will break each other's heart. I don't want that to happen and I'm not sure how much of her prediction is cynicism from the arthurian heartache or truth. I certainly don't want it happen. No one wants heartache. But how do I encourage the friendship? I mean... I'm not aware of... I don't know.... I just thoroughly enjoy talking to him and spending time with him. I'm not really aware of "oh my gosh I'm with so-and-so".. I just enjoy myself and sometimes think "whoa.. I'm having this much fun w/a guy..wierd.. I'm just going to enjoy myself and not get wierded out thinking about it." *sigh* I feel terrified sometimes that this road too, shall end in heartache and I sincerely, earnestly, reeeally hope it doesn't. Do I strive too much after happiness that it cannot alight upon me? Am I striving instead of living? I do feel rather stressed lately. But am I stressed because I'm "being bad" or because I'm too worried I might be "behaving" badly? I don't want to "lead him on" but I do want to be his friend. arg... I do love spending time with him. Is that leading him on? I don't really know if it could become something serious. I wish there wasn't the pressure to rush into things. Why can't people be happy to let things grow on their own? I love my other friends but...*sigh*. Well, I obviously think too much. Too bad there aren't garden stakes to jump up out of the ground and whack me for thinking. Then I just might quit for a minute... or I'd start thinking about the garden stakes and why they do that and how I could make them stop and .... yeah I'm doomed (btw.. the garden stake thing is from Hitchhiker's Guide if you were thinking I'd really lost my sanity.) I'm not any better off than when I started this ramble %)....

Welp, I finally got my grades back from AB Tech. It is finished. I shall never take math again unless some momentary lack of sanity overtakes me... I've aced Calculus 2 and I have satisfied any lust for math I've ever had or shall have. My GPA now stands at 3.91 and will stay there for all I care. I'm done with school for awhile.

That's about all I have to say here.. I'm ready to head me off to bed. I love ya'll! G'night or G'day whatever the case may be.

..But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles..

2005-12-17T00:26:00.000-05:00

"Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on the cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So just cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe
Whoa breathe, just breathe"

~ "Breathe (2am) Anna Nalick [a song they play too much on the radio]

I don't know why I like this song... it's so sad but somehow I like it. And I feel absolutely exhaused. I wanted to go to bed 3 hours ago but I'm still up baking for the boys' Christmas presents and the party. (Yes, I'm baking for the boys for Christmas this year. I've no idea how to get the stuff to the "chosen" ones w/o the other "non-chosen" ones finding out but I'm too tired to contemplate that furthur.) Wow...this week has been as busy as the week before finals. I've had dance practice every other day with shopping in between. Dress rehearsal is tomorrow and then Sunday I have to be at church at 7:30am for the first performance. Brian F*rr** use to chew his toe nails when he was ten. (He was super flexy b/c of Tae Kwon Do but don't tell him I posted his confession here.. or that you know about it. He only confessed b/c he found out when I was a baby I use to suck on my big toe %).) He and Court MacCrack** both get super nervous before preformances and sometimes practices. I get nervous; I just try to joke and not think about it 'til I'm standing out there waiting for the music. Then I hope I remember everything. I know horses have their own difficulties but somehow I prefer horse shows. I mean I love dancing in church.. don't get me wrong, but horse shows are just better somehow. We've practiced incessantly... Nick and I have time to trot around and chill. And by the second class we're good. Especially if there aren't too many other horses in the ring. Sit up. Heels down/Toes up. Legs back. What diagonal are you on? Push 'im forward and soft on the bit.. nice frame. Sit tall and smile.. feel him soften into your hands and relax and stretch his stride. Up - down - up - down. And sit a little deep and quietly ease him to a walk. Your hands should be as if you're holding birds (soft but firm) and holding them so they can talk to each other(slight angle but not "piano hands"). Ask him to trot and feel him briskly hop-to and then lengthen out his stride again - just skimming across the ground.... yeah, that's all about horses. Definitely not dance, well... it is about dance, but not in terms of skirts and working with other people and counting music the same and such... it's about two beings coming together and working as one. Thinking, even if only for a little while, as one. And becoming a beautiful fluid motion together. I suppose that's what any kind of dance is. It's just sometimes it's more than two people (dance team) and it's harder to accomplish that oneness. It is glorious when it happens. I guess I just love being on horseback. I never want to forget that one time I jumped a perfect course. There's no other feeling so lovely as that on earth. At least not that I've experienced yet. :) If I could ride a perfect course tomorrow... I'd take a 3.0 GPA. I think I really would. Oh that it weren't so hard to get back to!!!! Why do I feel so twarted to getting back to riding?!?! It's so deeply frustrating. I miss my first love more than I should ever care to admit. But I need to get to bed...

I didn't really mean the post to be a rant or anything. It's rather a contrast from the post I left at "Sparkling Jewels". Ah well, such is my roller coaster ride. I just hope that I may dream sweetly of horses, and sugar plums and successful Christmas programs and parties... and peace tonight. The same to you all! I love ya!

Prince Caspian

2005-11-27T20:38:00.000-05:00

I love that book, I think I'll venture to say it's almost my favorite... but I suppose I love them all in their own right. But right now Prince Caspian is definitely my favorite. I cried through listening to most of it. I told Graham and Courtney that and Graham kinda made fun of me for it but I just can't explain it w/o tearing up to some extent... I guess I'm just not comfortable enough to cry and explain myself to my guy friends yet. Whatever, I feel compelled to explain here and maybe someday I'll let the guys read it. OKAY! On with my explaining...

I'm gonna block quote stuff from the book and then tell you why it brings me to tears/I love it.

Then, after an awful pause, the deep voice said, "Susan." Susan made no answer but the others thought she was crying. "You have listened to fears, child," said Aslan. "Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them. Are you brave again?"
"A little, Aslan," said Susan.

I know what it is to be Susan, and to be in fear and walk in fear, at times without even realizing that fear was the force behind my thoughts or actions. In the storyline thus far, Susan's only been crabby and "adultish". Not your typical fear reactions, yet how often when we look at ourselves deep down the reason we've reacted in such a way is because we're afraid of something. We've held on to someone for fear of being alone, fear that God really wouldn't come through. Held on to the familiar for fear of failing in the unfamiliar. Held on to the very things that kills our souls... for fear of what? Fear that God's promises won't be as good or as satisfying as we'd hoped. Or perhaps even fear that He's good enough, but somehow we'll miss it and be left desolate or a failure again. And yet... even though we, perhaps, have come to a place where we haven't seen our fears for what they are Jesus comes to us and says, "You've listened to fears, my beloved, my child. Forget them. Let me love you until the fear in your heart is no more." Doesn't that pierce you somehow? Where you didn't even see your fear, it's pointed out to you but in the same breath it's taken care of with love. How truly, truly beautiful. :)

At a little town half-way to Beaversdam, where two rivers met, they came to another school, where a tired-looking girl was teaching arithmetic to a number of boys who looked very like pigs. She looked out of the window and saw the divine revelers singing up the street and a stab of joy went through her heart. Aslan stopped right under the window and looked up at her.
"Oh, don't, don't," she said. "I'd love to. But I mustn't. I must stick to my work. And the children would be frightened if they saw you."....
...and all the boys began howling with fright and trampling one another down to get out of the door and jumping out of the windows. And it was said afterward (whether truly or not) that those particular little boys were never seen again, but there were a lot of very fine little pigs in that part of the country which had never been there before.
"Now, Dear Heart," said Aslan to the Mistress: and she jumped down and joined them.
At Beaversdam they recrossed the river and came east again along the southern bank. They came to a little cottage where a child stood in the doorway crying. "Why are you crying, my love?" asked Aslan. The child, who had never seen a picture of a lion, was not afraid of him.
"Auntie's very ill," she said. "She's going to die." Then Asland went to go in at the door of the cottage, but it was too small for him. So, when he had got his head through, he pushed with his shoulders... and lifted the whole house up and it fell backward and apart. And there still in her bed, though the bed was now in open air, lay a little old woman who looked as if she had Dwarf blood in her. She was at death's door, but when she opened her eyes and saw the bright, hairy head of the lion staring into her face, she did not scream or faint. She said, "Oh, Aslan! I knew it was true. I've been waiting for this all my life. Have you come to take me away?"
"Yes, Dearest," said Aslan. "But not the long journey yet." And as he spoke, like the flush creeping along the underside of a cloud at sunrise, the color came back to her white face and her eyes grew bright and she sat up and said,"Why, I do declare I feel that better. I think I could take a little breakfast this morning."

First there's the school mistress who's tending what we can guess to be her not so pleasant duty. Yet, inspite of a strong desire to leave she stuck to her duty. How often we do that. Man, even (for me) the past 2 years have felt like that. I've shut my heart down to some of the things I love the most (like horses) to dedicate myself to my duty of becoming a well educated, intelligent individual who is properly equipped to better society. For me, at what cost? The cost that I'm now finding it incredibly difficult to get back into one of my first loves (horses)? But Aslan came to the Mistress and freed her from her "chains". He did not come to her and entice her away from what she rightfully should be doing; he simply made that duty disappear and let her heart free. How beautiful is that? What a picture... if we make Him our focus, he will indeed set our hearts free. In fact, that's the very scripture Jesus read from Isaiah in the beginning of His ministry:" He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners". And that scripture brings me to the dear old lady. She was near her death in the somewhat darkened indoors when suddenly a beautiful lion -the lion - stuck his head through her door and broke the walls from around her letting in the beautiful summertime sunshine and air. The dear saviour she had hoped in had come...and her heart was a peace and she expected to be made whole... in the form of being taken to Aslan's Country (heaven). And Aslan did not let her down... but he had a greater gift than her hopes. He wanted her to live on - healthy, joyful, and full. Can't you feel the love in Aslan's words "Yes, Dearest, but not the long journey yet."? Yes, Dearest, but I have better than death for you. I have come so that you will know my love for you more fully and can teach others my love. Jesue came "to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."(Isa.61:3) It's just through C.S Lewis' story this scripture, and those like it become so much more tangible. Yes, my love, I've come for you.. but not to show you an end. I've come to show you glorious new beginnings.

Thanksgiving

2005-11-25T19:29:00.000-05:00

May I make the statement that food is wonderful? Well, it really truly is especially after you've been sick on Thanksgiving Day and night and food sounds simply horrible. Eating today has been wonderful. And not studying. And sleeping. All entirely wonderful. I think I like working for the college system just a little bit. I don't have to work 'til Monday. How gloriously, gloriously sweet! Shopping tomorrow perhaps. I can't think in complete sentences but that's okay. I've been trying listen to Prince Caspian (Graham's missing a CD from the Magician's Nephew), but haven't gotten to as much as I'd like. At least I'm listening to it now. Graham called me today to "remind" me to keep my towel near by and such that he got quite a few laughs from Hitchhicker's Guide. And something to the effect that he seems to see himself as Marvin (the paranoid android). To be completely honest I'd have to agree but he's not nearly so depressing to hang around as Marvin is or would be. It's a bit strange. But whatever... I'm glad he enjoyed it. I'll yack at him more on Sunday.

We got our Christmas tree today. I think I really like our tradition of getting our Christmas tree on the day after Thanksgiving. Seems like it won't be too long and we'll be getting two trees - one for my own place. It's weird though, that I think that. I mean.. I don't see moving out soon, or getting married either, though if I take the time to be still there's a peace. It's just wierd - this sense of sooness I have. *shrug* Whatever.

"Look! Look! The Lion! Aslan himself!!"

In my childhood I didn't like Prince Caspian that much. I found it rather boring. Now I don't know why I like it so much more, but I do. :)... Okay. I have some download stuff to do and vitamin C water to drink and I'm enjoying listening to the Chronicles....
Adieu fair readers :) adieu...

Winding Up In a Whirlwind

2005-11-16T22:52:00.000-05:00

I just got home from dance practice at church and it looks like things have pulled together. We don't really feel that together but the video tape looked a lot better than it felt. So we have one more practice tomorrow and we dance on Sunday 8:30Am and 11Am. I think I feel a bit more confindent.

I think I'll borrow The Magician's Nephew next. I've loved The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. It's funny. I teared up at different parts listening to it than I did reading the book. But it was all together good. :)

I got a call back from Don this morning about taking Josiah to the Opera Ball and he said of course I could bring an escort. He wouldn't have it any other way, so Josiah goes with me. Josiah seems pretty excited about it. I think he's settled on buying a black suit but he can't decide on what color shirt. He wanted to put a drab olive green with it, but Camille and I strongly encouraged him to go with a very dark hunter or forest green. Camille was more in favor a rich blue shirt b/c Josiah has blue eyes but Josiah objected b/c... I don't remember why. It was lame whatever it was :). He's so funny. He's being almost as bad as a girl about his suit. But then he's looking at spending around $400 on it because he want's to have it fitted so I guess I can't complain. I mean the rest of the guys would have just gone to Goodwill and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just nice that he reeeally want's to look his best. And he's excited that he's gonna get to wear it twice: once to the Opera Ball and once to Julia's formal in January. I hope he has a good time at the ball. I still haven't had the heart to ask him if he'll pick me up here... I wouldn't mind meeting him in Asheville but mom's all concerned about weather and drunks out late and me driving and all manner of silliness. We'll see what happens with that one.

Maisha asked Jason and me today if we were related. It's kinda weirded Jay out but I found it amusing so he played along and said he got all the looks in the family. I blamed his looks on the milkman. Apparently our "bickering" is amusing. I wonder if it's what Dominique calls our "little old couple on the verge of divorce" sound. Whatever... that was an interesting first for my brother and me today :).

We have a test on Chapter 11 sections 1-5 on Tuesday. We just began covering section 5 today. Then Val intends to cram 5 sections and test us on it before finals. It'll basically end up our last Tues. taking the sections 6-10 test and the next 2 days after that taking the final. Right now I have a 89.2% average in the class. I've gotta pull off some high A's and B's on these last few tests to bring that back up to an A. I did for organics... can I do it again? Who knows. %)

*sigh* that's about it here... oh mom's trying to make me start working on my Bachelors at UNC-A next semester. To be totally honest I don't want to. I want to ride horses. But I've been failing my attempts so far to get back into horses and I'm wondering if it's going to take not working at all to accomplish that. (getting back into horses I mean) shoooo... I dunno. A dance minor or sports medicine minor look like fun. Though a math minor would likely be more feasible. whatever...

I love hazelnut, pumpkin spice, and gingerbread lattes (not all mixed together though). I'm sick of coughing (And NO Jason I will NOT go to the doctor for a silly cough just because you did!) He doesn't read my blog nor have the address. I just felt better getting to "yell" at him w/o him knowing *silly angelic smile*

Kay, I really need to get me to bed. Oh Jonathan said he's no longer talking to Hannah... Jay's annoyed with him though not for that reason. Jonathan tried to play footsie with me today which... I don't know why it annoyed me *shrug*... I was almost really getting along with him too. *sigh* Kay... I need to sleep! %p :) I love ya'll!!!!!!! HUGS & KISSES

The Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything...

2005-11-14T22:10:00.000-05:00

... is 42. We know that from dear Douglas Adams and his book The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. But Brian Ferree stopped by work today and I mentioned to him my new thought. Maybe perhaps that ever elusive ultimate question is indeed a sum. The sum of infinite what, we don't know. That is the question ;).

...And I'm sick of coughing...Jason shouldn't share...well at least if he shares the cough he shares the cough drops, though he did have to talk me into eating one (I, as a rule, hate Halls... but the strawberry ones aren't too bad).

It looks like I'm taking Josiah as a "date"/"escort" to the Opera Ball. I didn't really think he'd wanna go when I asked him. 'Course it'd been a little weird asking Caleb so it was less weird asking Josiah (weirdness based on asking a younger guy that is.. it was still a bit awkward). Anywho, I need to check with Marylin and Don and see if it's okay. There are times I question myself wanting an escort but I guess I've started it and Josiah is actually interested enough that he bothered to ask me about it today so I guess I'm gonna see this one through.

I'm borrowing the Focus on the Family Radio Theater version of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader from Graham Bryant this week. I love it. Some things aren't as I expected, but I've found myself looking for excuses to keep driving than to have to stop listening to it. (I listen to stuff when I drive... at least anything that would demand my attention. Music is usually for studying to anymore.) But anywho.. I understand now why he got off in a British accent on Sunday. I don't know why I hadn't realized the characters would have British accent's but *shrug*. It's fun to listen to. Graham and I have way too much fun talking on the phone. %) boys... oh and there's the funny part of the book that I'd forgotten when Eustance is journaling that... they were 13 days at see being blown before a hurricane though the others said it was only 12, he had been keeping very accurate count. Imagine! Being stuck at sea with people who can't count properly!... I about died laughing at that. Especially since it's the general joke that I can't count, add, or subtract worth anything. It made me feel a bit better though. I mean if Prince Caspian or Lucy or Edmund or Lord Drinian can't count then maybe it's okay that I can't count either. Though it's not very helpful with timesheets and time clock reports. Whatever. :)

Today was a tired sleepy day and I need to get me to bed. I love ya'll! G'night Oh! one more thing.... Jason when to church on Sunday.. or at least he was suppose to. Jessie said they talked and he said he felt the need to get more serious about his faith. :D... it's just good to hear that. For the record he might not have gone to church because he went to the doctor about his cough. I think his granparents made him go and now he's trying to make me go. %p... it's a silly cough and I won't go. If I break a bone or something more serious than just a cough I'll go. But there's no reason why I can't weather a cough, and he shan't bully me into going. So there! *halfway silly smile at myself* Okay.. I really am ready to go to bed. G'night!

God's Paintbrush

2005-11-03T11:14:00.000-05:00

Kay.. this is just a quickie post but man o' man... this is indeed my most favorite time of year. Eventhough the trees aren't nearly as brilliant as years past the whole ridge above Mary's Gap is sunkissed with gold and here and there across the mountains there are flames of orange and scarlet. It's magnificent!

"Oh her eyes are amber-fine/ Deep and dark as wells of wine..."

2005-11-02T22:29:00.000-05:00

Wow.. I feel like there's so much. The prayer conference in Branson, Missouri was awesome. It's prolly the closest thing I've found to a camp at Living Waters so far. And my the strange things working in my soul....

At the prayer conference there was a special corporate prayer thing to pray for those who have been wayward/slack/just nominal about their faith to become passionately on fire for God again. I know that sounds boring or bland but it was so good. Even though we didn't sing it, the residual song from last week is

"I get joy just thinkin' about
What He's done for me
I get joy joy thinkin' about
What He's done for me..."

I don't know who sings it but it's perfect. Everyone around me seems to think I'm going to be getting married soon. While that does annoy me sometimes, it's also just seeming more like a sweet promise than a frustration that I "don't have someone" yet. I think what I've noticed the most since I've been home is what a lack of seriousness my friends have towards their faith. But some seem so close to the edge of being on fire if someone would just show them and teach them how to be passionate about God. *sigh* I did miss them dearly the week I was gone.

And oh my, the change in my heart after going back to Missouri. I was born in Kansas City, Mo. I never even visted the Ozark Mountains (southern Mo. (they're actually 1/3 the size of the Blue Ridge)) when I lived in Missouri. But something there called to me. I mean, I thought it was beautiful while I was there but when I came home to the mountians, it wasn't the same. I've always felt this peace or settling in my soul when I've come to my mountains after being away... but this time it didn't feel like home. They didn't feel welcoming or comforting... they didn't feel like the resting place they always have. Strangly the Ozarks seem more like home. I almost shudder at that. I... *sigh* how do I describe it? Part of me want's to go back to southern Missouri because it... it... if feels like my own, my native land? And the love for this place that I've just visited for the first time is so strangely strong... but a large portion of my heart belongs to my friends here. It's just that somehow it seems like my heart doesn't belong to the mountains any more. That's so unnerving. I want to be happy and settle down here. I love my friends so much. It's like I've finally found my place here and there my heart up and goes somewhere else on me. I dunno... it's weird to say the least.

I'd post more but I'd like to go to bed now... I do have pictures of Branson and Table Rock Lake (in the Ozarks) and hopefully I'll have them posted here or at my picture website soonly. Anywho.. I love ya'll! I'm off...

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2005-10-24T08:23:00.000-05:00

"...There is something in October that sets gypsy blood astir
We must rise and follow her
When from every hill a-flame
She calls and calls each vagabond by name."
~"Vagabond Song" by Bliss Carmen

And my "vagabond" wanderings will soon take me back to the state of my birth. Mom and I leave for Missouri tomorrow for a prayer conference. My heart feels so full of so much right now.... mostly good things.. a few confusing ones. But yesterday was so lovely... I haven't been on a playground swing since before we moved here from Liberty, Mo. I can't describe how lovely it was to be taken back to those carefree days of childhood. I truly felt carefree. :):):)And after listening to the guest speaker at church I'm seriously considering dropping calculus. He was talking about are we really effective in God's kingdom, and what are we known for. Are our conversations effective for the Lord? Is the life we're living effective? And I've been totally defeating the purpose of taking a year off for almost a year now *eye roll at self*. And I've often thought "What would it be like? What would happen if we took the time to study the Bible the way we study all these other things.. not that the study of other things is bad (I delight in chemistry) but what would it be like? What change might happen in our hearts? Do you think we might truly begin to grasp what God has for us and how he loves us? *sigh* There is some fear in my heart of what my friends will think. And some of Satan's lies are already trying to work their way in. But I would be dropping Calc 2 for my own well being. I am smart enough... my ability isn't in question here. I'm not being a slacker. *sigh* I think Nathan will understand, and prolly Hannah and Rebecca, but there's that tiny bit of fear of the rest. And Court will understand. But alas... I'll hopefully get a chance to explain further but I need to get going..

Strange and Glorious Days

2005-10-17T09:04:00.000-05:00

Praise God from whom all blessings flow

For the beauty of the earth

Praise Him all creatures here below

For the glory of the skies

Praise Him above ye heavenly host

For the love which from our birth

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost

Over and around us lies
Lord of all to thee we raise, this our hymn of grateful praise.

Amen.

It's weird... highschool seniors hitting on me. I think.. I'm not sure, but then coming to understand more what God's called me to.. or at least what He thinks of me and how he loves me. It's strange this life we're given. Pastor Jay was so good yesterday. To think I was considering not going to church yesterday. *head-shake* :) It's always silly-ness to consider not going to church. Especially when you know you're plugged in to an awesome place where you know the people love you for who you are and you know the Bible is taught literally. Part of me is in awe and part of me would like to dance..slowly.. in adoration. It's been a long time since have had that song without a tune in my heart. I don't think I could hum it either. You'd only know the rythm if I danced to it. If it stays with me, perhaps this evening I will. Okay... I've got to leave to for work/school. I love ya'll!

Rainy Days

2005-10-08T10:55:00.000-05:00

Welp.. the bonfire had to be postponed 'til next Friday and while Jason, Jess, and Josiah won't be able to come perhaps Nathan and Kathryn and Graham will be able too. Poor Caleb... I think he'll come but he doesn't know what to without Jason there to play guitar with him. They're becoming quite a pair. :) Jessie and Jay had a recent bad stretch in their relationship, but it seems to only have lasted a day or two. They were behaving normally last night. Yup, last night since the bonfire was cancled Caleb, Courtney, Josiah, Jason, and Jessie and I hung out and went bowling, and saw War of the Worlds at the Brew 'n View. As for the movie I'm sorry I saw it. Maybe I'd enjoy it more if I'd read the book but... I found the movie a rather disgusting attempt at sci-fi horror that left me feeling a bit disturbed. And the ending was far too blunt. The only good part of the movie is the part Dakota Fanning played was a horse crazy girl who won a 3rd place ribbon at a horse show that looks exactly like some of my Tri-County ribbons. And she had some really cool/classic Breyer Models too. Definately a cool kid. :) But otherwise it wasn't worth watching the movie.

We did have a great time hanging out though! After we finally decided what time we were all gonna get together peoples dispersed from school and Jay and I went over to Barnes & Noble. As a disclaimer he entered the children's section first. I only followed. *innocent angelic smile* I found Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry and I never realized it was a kid's book. Perhaps young adult fiction but... it's a little rough for kids. But then I was probably eleven or so when I read it so maybe not. Anywho... I don't own it so I had to buy it. Jason had fun giving me a hard time that there's a difference between browsing children's books and buying children's books. As ususal I think he's full of mud.

Courtney met up with us at the bowling alley and we had a blast. Jason taught Caleb how to throw a curve ball whatever thing that Jason does. Courtney and I both got strikes. I think Josiah got some strikes too and of course Caleb and Jason got strikes. We started this thing that everyone who isn't bowling makes big hand motions in the direction the ball needs to go while the bowler is watching the ball go down the lane. It only helped Courtney though. *shrug* but it was fun. Then Josiah started us getting off doing the wave while the bowler was in mid-throw. It was crazy. I'm sure the people around us thought we were nuts. But we were being crazy together so it was great. And then at the Brew 'n View. Well... there musta been something in the root beer...

Jason and I did that dance thing (DDR..that step on arrows thing). And some time during that Josiah confessed to Jessie that ever since he was little he always wanted to be a latin dancer. But that's not what Jessie heard. She heard "lap" dancer. The jokes - good and bad - flowed from there and ended somewhere around Caleb making the comment that "I like this Greek pizza and all but, dang! With all this garlic I'm not gonna get to kiss anyone all night!" which was met with a sypathetic "awwww" from the girls. Jay and Josiah got indignant. Jason made some comment to tie that back to Josiah's lap dancing... I'm prolly better off for not remebering it but I think it was God ordained he was stuck sitting between me and Jessie at supper. She and I think enough alike that Jason was doomed to be slapped simultaneously throughout supper. It was a great evening....

But I need to get my day started! I'm still in my pj's and it's almost 1 pm. Kay.. I love ya'll!!

Oh P.S. Arthur is so hilariously confused. It'd be entirely hilarious if it weren't so pathetic. You know, I've prayed so much for clarily in this relationship and I think I'm finally seeing. When we were younger he was so spiritually mature in someways that I never realized how incredibly socially immature the boy really is. He thinks he knows so much but he doesn't really have a clue. But anyway... I need to get goin'. I love ya'll and I love you Heavenly Daddy.

Joline

2005-10-04T19:41:00.000-05:00

Joline, Joline, Joline, Joline
Please don't take my man...

Jason burned the CD's Hannah made him and Caleb and a couple mixed CD's for me recently and I've been listening to them. I really like them but I think I'm ready for another song to get stuck in my head.

I've been grouchy lately and there's no good reason why! I'm grouchy and annoyed at myself for being grouchy! I'm nuts!

Whelp the bonefire is this Friday... I'm looking forward to it and I think everyone else is too. I'm hopin' we'll get to dance some... waltzing mostly unless someone has some swing or the boys can play swing on the guitar. Jason's still threatening to talk to Nicky. Why he wants to scare my poor horse, I have no idea. I have no idea why I'm posting tonight. I'm kinda fried from that test. I know I got one wrong... infact 2 of the easy ones wrong.. but I got both hard ones right. *eye roll* go figure :).

Oh! Jost Verdu has taken to insulting me again. We see him in the cafeteria frequently though no one bothers to talk to him, but anywho I was buying lunch for a change and he came up and started talking to me while I was waiting for my order. He was rather decent and we talked about Hitchhicker's Guide. Then he asked me what I had ordered. I told him the steak sub (It's WONDERFUL by the way... Caleb discovered it and oh heavens... it has Greek/Italian seasoning and oh... it's great:D :D ) And Josh just raised an eyebrow and said "wow calories" and walked away. I find it rather amusing that he can be so blatantly mean and still expect me to be falling at his feet begging him to go out with me. It made Grace livid. She's gonna go over to him one of these days and just punch him... give him a black eye.. or something quite unpleasant. But man... if you're ever around AB -Tech and have about $2.50 to spend I'll split it with you. It's heavenly and it's so stinkin' huge I can only eat half of it at once.

Welp.. I"m gonna head off tonight.. my laundry's done and there's a movie on I've been wanting to see.. I love ya'll! G'night!

Calculus and the Time Continue-um

2005-10-02T22:14:00.000-05:00

Yes, I do realize my spelling of the title isn't correct but at the moment it seems to fit. :) According to mom I've been in a grouchy mood recently and I suppose I have been. I hate to admit it could possibly be related to Arthur but in part I suppose it is. Wednesday I got irritated with Graham for always "politely" kicking my feet at lunch... I've accused him of playing footsie with me and that still hasn't kept him from it. Well, Wednesday Beth accused him of it too and when he didn't deny it she accused him of having a crush on me. While I was incredulous, she began to list the reasons why it would be quite reasonable for Graham, or any guy for that matter, to have a crush on me and her last point was "you like horses and you're a horse person". And it kinda shocked me that being a horse person was a plus and not only in Beth's book but when I expressed surprise that it was considered a benefit Graham got in on it and went on about how cool that was. I just kept my mouth shut about it and changed the subject to something more comfortable... but I got to thinking about the incident the next day. And I realized a wound in my heart I never knew was there. Years ago when we were kids Art told me he had "no interest whatsoever in horses" and he and most of my peers then treated me like a freak for being horse crazy. And somehow I let that fester into a belief I didn't even realize I had. Somewhere, deep-down, I let myself believe that there was something undesirable about me because I was and am a horse crazy person. That somehow the rest of the universe ( minus other horse people and a rare few girlfriends) thought there was something wrong with me.. with us the horsey people. I guess I can't express how shocking and strange that there is one guy on this planet (who isn't a crass cowboy) who thinks the fact that I'm a horse woman makes me even more attractive. Mind you I've no intentions of falling head-over-heels for Graham Bruns. But I'd never even dared to hope there might be men like that out there who weren't ignorant cowboys. If there are boys like that, then maybe - just maybe - there might be some men too. I'm glad I had flower beds to weed all day Thursday. I weed anything best when I'm upset in some form. I cried for an hour perhaps... for the years of misconception caused by careless, unfeeling words, and for the hope I hardly dare to embrace. I know this may seem like an exaggeration but horses are something that define Megan Redding. I never made a conscious choice to like horses. Loving them has always been like breathing... and to think for so long that that could be unattractive and something my friends just tolerated about me. For me it was and is a big deal.. and I still have a hard time grasping it. It made me so angry at Arthur... it's hard but I know God gives me the grace to forgive him. It's my responsibility to make the choice...the feelings will come later.
*sigh* Finally getting all that out really makes me want to get out of this frump. :)

I went and worked at the Asheville Lyric Opera's Angel Dinner. Both of this season's baritones hit on me.. I think.. well at least it seemed like the guest speaker did... the other guy (Jonathan Ross) is a teacher at AB and teaches graphic design. He made it a point to talk to me during the evening and walk me out to my truck. I think he was just being polite but it felt a bit akward (I can't decide on how to spell that word. It looks like it's meaning.) I mean, we were in a very safe place and I felt fine walking back to my vehicle. There was actually a police car with an officer in it parked right next to me watching the parking lot (this was the Holiday Inn in east Asheville). *shrug*.. I guess it just reminds me of the whole Abraham thing in a way and ... he was really nice but I'll feel a bit more comfortable if I don't see him around for awhile. I suppose the next week shall tell us if does or doesn't stalk the cafeteria. The cafeteria!!! We're getting wireless in Coman and the cafeteria!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D WOOT!!!! Jay and Graham are pretty excited about it.

I survived the Bible study on Tuesday. It wasn't bad at all... only Drew and Erica and Mitchel came and I think they were the perfect crowd for me. We covered James chapter 2 and 3 and Pastor Rick came and sat in on it. Pastor Jay (Liner... Jay Henderson would make an interesting pastor to say the least *eye roll & smile*) said he heard really great things about not only me leading grow group this past week but about the other times I've taught. I guess that's encouraging... I don't know why it makes me feel sheepish. *eye roll at self* ha... church today... the sermon and everything was great except after two Sundays in a row of Brian making certain he got to sit next to me when I asked him where we were going to sit today he (and his mom) invited me to sit with them and then Brian made the comment "but you know this isn't going to help the stories that you're my girlfriend." I mean how bratty and stupid of him! ARG.... If he doesn't want to sit with me that's fine. I only really want to sit with him alot when Court's not there because I don't really like to sit with Shelly. ( Now I do love Shelly but I get distracted when she can't sit still and ... I dunno.. I like stittin' with Court.) So anywho... I'll make certain to sit with the girls next Sunday.

I got to study with Brooke and Caleb this afternoon. We met at Barnes & Noble and got a decent bit accomplished. Caleb and I got so tired of the calculus we got off on Paul shoulda been the first pope and not Peter and how there shouldn't be a pope at all and how time is a continue-um (aight... I really can't think how to spell it right now) and time dilation has something to do with coming infinitely close to the speed of light and isn't a jump in time's continuity. And then we decided we'd gotten in over our heads and went back at the calculus. :)... they can make me very annoyed but I do adore my "lost boys". Somedays they can be so interesting a sweet. Like Graham Bryant was being unusually sweet today in church... I'm not sure why... he still teased and such but there wasn't the hint of meanness that there can be with the Graham-boys. I got so see Nathan on Thursday too. My how I've missed having him around... I'll have to post pics of him soonly... he has a new gottee that he is very proud of. :) Kathryn says it makes him look like he didn't just escape middle school and (among other things) look like quite the hottie. I don't know about hottie... but it definitely looks good. :)

lol...Wouldn't I just be mortified if anyone beyond my girls ever got ahold of my blog address? But it does feel good to get this junk out. And I do feel a bit more obliged to keep it up to some extent since Hannah's away at school and I don't get to talk to my Becks as much. By the way... Becks.. I've tried to post comments several times at Daught of Isaac and it won't let me!!! So don't think I've been neglecting to read your blog... Hannah-Deeah.. I've gotten the fair pictures completely posted and I'm working on pictures from Jay's birthday and what we did to his car. They're at megapix.myphotoalbum.com . So that's all here for tonight. I've got a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I love you all and I love you my Jesus and Rescuer.

Cleaning Day

2005-09-24T23:21:00.000-05:00

Today was a good day. I think yesterday and today have been the only good days this week. But that's okay. They are good and that's all that matters :). Yesterday we had to paint/write on Jason's car twice. But in a way I'm glad... we did better the second time... ;). I'll have pictures up on my album as soon as they have their server back online. But today I've been getting caught up on calculus and doing some much needed house cleaning. I got in some much needed Bible study time too... well kinda. It wasn't nearly as much time as I normally spend or would even like to spend but it was still good. I've joined the dance team at church recently and Miss Angie (Graham's mom) encourages us to dance in our quiet time too so that's what I did. After the stress I've been feeling lately it was like coming into a calm. I need to do that more often - dance/Bible study I mean. I'm finally feeling closer to being on top of things with calc now. Wanna know something crazy? I dreamed last night that I was integrating (tan x)^2 and I did it and it was no problem and it made perfect sense and the whole solution was perfect trig and the like and was totally correct. Now, it's not beyond me to dream about math. I'd say that's why I've not been sleeping very well is because most nights I'm dreaming about math that doesn't have mathmatical solutions or that i can't solve. So this dream was really weird in that I was able to solve it, but upon waking I figured it was just something Val had done in class or I had already figured in my homework. While I was working on 7.3 homework today, I had an integrand boil down to tan x squared. So I just went digging through my notes and my homework looking for it. I scoured and looked everywhere and couldn't find the integral of tan squared anywhere. Then, of course, I remembered my fundemental identity that tan squared is equal to secant squared minus 1. And of course Val had done secant squared in class. And then it hit me... I had no idea about integrating tan squared before last night and I had just dreamed about doing a problem I didn't know I'd have to do and not only that but had solved it correctly in my dream. Isn't that bazzar? Kinda cool.. but strange :).

I got to talk to Hannah Deeah today!! :D:D:D I'm glad. I miss that girl. :) I miss Nathan too. I guess I need to quit being my weird self about talking on telephones and call the boy. He has verizon.. I have no excuse. Kathryn still has my DVDs. I want my Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood back... I need to call her too.

(My comp is updating and validating and who knows what else and is being slow *quizzical expression*)

I finally got my seemingly endless array of books (at least the ones in my closet) on my new bookshelf today. I'm very pleased. I have such a wonderful selection of educational horsey books. There are other great books to. But right now I'm adoring my horsey books.

Oh I don't think I've posted this yet but I have my own nation. Yup! Believe it! I am the sole ruler of the Queendom of East Meganopolis. (I wanted it to just be "the Queendom of Meganopolis but it was already taken.) Anywho it's a part of Nation States and it's some kind of free online role play/goverment/UN sort of game? I haven't figured anything out yet really except I got to make my own flag which I'm really proud of and I spend entirely too much time online reading the description of my nation and noticing how it changes as I make legislative decisions. It's terribly addictive. I don't get to do the write up you see about my nation but I do get to pick what region my nation exsists in and my national motto, animal, and currency. Overall the stupid thing seems rather liberal but still I enjoy it. I'm thinking about leaving the West Pacific for Middle Earth though. I'm such a nerd sometimes. I'm actually wasting time blogging about my nation %) %)... ah well.. such is my life. At least I didn't name it something like "The Solidarity of the M*A*S*H* 4077"... I watch entirely too much M*A*S*H*.... I think I need to go to bed. But anywho... I wanted to make a post when I'm in a better mood... the ones I make when I'm grouchy and feeling overwhelmed don't sound too great :). Oh the stuff in italics in my last post are songs incase anyone was wondering.. I still can't remember the name of the artist who did the first song but when I do I'll lecha know.
Okie... I'm off for tonight. I love ya, my peeps.. stay strong.

I need You

2005-09-21T19:02:00.000-05:00

I need more time
I need more money
I need more advice
I need more love

I need another chance
An open hand
I need more grace and pretty face

I need happiness
I need an escape
I need more sleep
And I need to feel safe

What this all comes down to... is I need You.

When will this week end? Granted I had fun on Friday with Court and Jay and Jessie and Caleb and lawnmower boy (Eric) and Justin. But I about "had it" with Jay and Justin. Just too much "boy" for one day. I still haven't posted pics from that fair trip. Church was kinda boring on Sunday except Laurel asked me to lead grow group next week. That freaked me out but I've emailed her and told her I would... if God sees fit to stretch me in that way then so be it. Monday started with a nasty mood swing and no sleep. And a really long day. I was suppose to study yesterday and ended up going to Jackson's (western tack store) with Courtney and Jason and Graham and Caleb. Calculus 2 is kicking my butt big time right now folks. How amusing my daydream of beating Brian's grade. I'll be happy for a "C" on the next test at this point. I haven't been able to focus at all this week. Tomorrow is Jay's birthday and we're gonna celebrate it on Friday. I called Court today about the gift that we were going to get him together and she told me that Eric had asked her if Caleb and I were going together. Mom has been saying that Caleb has a crush on me though I've brushed it off. So maybe it is true? Heck I dunno. I hope not. I love the kid to pieces but... 4 years younger? Just not wise.

The sun is set
The sky is clear
And I'm left wondering why I'm still standing here
Looking back on days we spent
When we lived and loved without a safty net

Now things have changed and will never be the same
I need a place to rest my weary head...

Catch me when fall
Save me from the tears
Though I might look strong
I'm not as I appear
Though I might seem brave
I'm really sad and lonely
Hear me when I call
In a voice so faint and small
Catch me when I fall...

Close my eyes and sing a song
Longing for a love that's deep and strong
Letting go of days we spent
I'll live and love until I find him yet
Some things have changed and'll never be the same
Until I find a place to rest my weary head.
~ "Catch Me When I Fall"

How is it I can miss someone who hasn't really been apart of my life for a while? And yet I miss him. I wish he were here. But why? Would we even have a good time? Would he even like my friends? I guess I just wish I could share a good/happy time instead of confrontation and arguing. Arg. And mom's irritated with me because I haven't been pulling my part of the load around here lately. How does one stinking calculus class make everything so dang helter-skelter? LIFE IS A CONFUSING MESS! Animal crackers are a good constant in life. There aren't enough hours in a day and even if there were I'm not getting sound enough sleep to make good of them. How the heck am I suppose to lead a Bible study when I'm so messed up? How am I suppose to help my friends keep on God's path when I'm blinded and can't find it for myself? Why can't I crawl in a hole and sleep good refreshing sleep and find it all vanished and life great again? WHY IS LIFE SO DANG STRESSFUL? *sigh* Somewhere in all this I'm suppose to find satifaction in God. Oh that He would give me a place to rest "my weary head"!... and so I must end tonight. I love you, Lord and I love ya'll.

I'm not prone to surveys...

2005-09-10T21:19:00.000-05:00

...but I found this one posted on Arthur's former roomate's blog. If Dane (his ex-roomie) were better behaved with his language, I would give a link to his blog. But to protect the reputation of my blog and too keep from clogging up the minds of my readers with junk, I won't. But I will post my answers to the survey :).

Have You:
( ) smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar
( ) made out with a member of the same sex (That's disgusting)
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
( ) been in love
( ) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) snuck out of your parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
( ) eaten Sushi
( ) eaten snails
( ) played with an exotic animal
(x) been snowboarding
( ) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
( ) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
( ) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
(X) touched a snake
( ) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
( ) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) won a contest
(x) run a red light
( ) been suspended from school
( ) been in a car accident
( ) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
( ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
( ) witnessed a crime
( ) pole danced NEVER!
(x) questioned your heart
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
( ) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
( ) played cops and robbers
( ) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
( ) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
( ) made prank phone calls
( ) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
( ) made out in the rain
( ) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
( ) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach
( ) crashed a party or meeting
(x) gone roller-skating
(x) had a wish come true
( ) never have been on a date or been in a relationship
( ) break-dance
(x) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) ate dog/cat/rat food (all this stuff is gross... The smell is enough to keep me from trying it..now horse feed ;))
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them and obviously didn't mean it
( ) kissed a mirror
(x) sang in the shower
(x) have a little black dress
(x) had a dream that you married someone
( ) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole ( don't lick flag poles thank you )
( ) kissed a fish
( ) pushed someone through a window
( ) worn the opposite sexes clothes.
( ) been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
( ) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
( ) didn’t take a shower for a week
(x) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
( ) are scared to watch scary movies alone sometimes
( ) believe in ghosts
( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes (I don't but June does!)
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) gone streaking
( ) played ding-dong-ditch
( ) played chicken
( ) got pushed in a pool with clothes on( no but I've been dumped in a river w/my clothes on)
( ) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
(x) broken a bone (multiple bones)
(x) been easily amused
(x) caught a fish then ate it
( ) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
( ) cried so hard you laughed
( ) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
( ) cheated on a test
( ) have a Britney Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone’s name
(x) French braided someone’s hair
( ) gone skinny dipping

Anywho... I just found this interesting. Sorry this isn't a "real" post but I just thought it would be interesting for tonight... love ya'll!

Right now.. in this moment.. I hate springs

2005-09-02T20:23:00.000-05:00

I hold an extreme distaste for the forces that cause them to be stretched beyond their natural lengths, and I resent that the work done to accomplish this is usually measured in Joules. I also hold little appreciation for zeros as place holders when there are more than three. (The fact that I continually lose track of how many I have is irrelevant. They should give us problems with smaller answers.) I loath 1 meter pipes on top of cylinder tanks of water that lay on their sides, and I don't favor lifting ropes that hang over buildings for the sheer joy of knowing how the force of gravity (weight) of them changes as I lift them. Well, to be honest I'd rather lift a rope than a leaky bucket. I can halfway see a reason to knowing the work needed to lift a rope but why on earth a leaky bucket?! No one's going to use one. And if they're in a situation in which they'd be forced to they're not likely going to have the time to sit there and do the math.... unless they're an over intelligent Robinson Crusoe. In that case, Nathan and Brian can just enjoy themselves. We'll send a boat out to check on them every couple of months until they get tired of being rugged mathmaticians ;). *Sigh* :) No, I'm not really that upset with calculus 2. I just needed to rant about.

Jason and Caleb went out and got new hardware for my guitar a few days ago. Today Jay replaced all the broken pieces and keys (which wasn't particularly easy and required "afro rigging" in Jason's terms). But it's all in one piece now and I even have it re-strung. I just need a tuner to get it tuned. But over all I'm pleased. It was an enjoyable hour fixing it. Jason worked on it and I worked on calculus. The cafeteria was pleasantly empty and quiet. I don't know if I have a point in saying this but it was relaxing to not talk much and just listen to Jay whistle and sing to himself as he fixed my guitar. And I got 2 homework problems done. I'm sorry Caleb didn't have the time to hang out. Granted, it wouldn't have been as quiet, but I enjoy Caleb and Jay's combined company. Yup, they're good brothers :).

On that note I miss having Nathan around. And Courtney somehow. I guess because of school schedules she and I just don't get as much time together as we did this summer. And it's obvious why I miss Nathan. He's not here.... stupid gas prices... there's a concert up at Ap.St. which would have been the perfect excuse to go see him and Isaac but the half tank of gas or so to get there is just too much. And stupid gas prices kept me from going to Camille's bonfire thing tonight. That rather stinks too. I miss Hannah too. I know she's 17 but she really did add to the maturity level at the lunch table. Or we just click... or both :). I just know that now I feel run over by youg'uns. Perhaps that will change. I hear that they've approved a N.C. lottery. I don't approve of that but on the bright side it's going to be run like Ga. lottery. All the profits go for free in-state college education. I just hope it doesn't have to be to a public institution. I'd be nothing for me to whack out a farm management or theraputic riding degree at St. Andrews College.

Welp... I need to get goin'.. I had hoped to post more than this but no so for tonight. I love ya'll.

Las cosas claras y el chocolate espeso.

2005-08-23T21:55:00.000-05:00

(Ideas should be clear and chocolate thick.)

Rather than find my own words I believe I shall quote what another has said in her blog. ( Disclaimer: I'd give a link but I wasn't personally given the individual's addy... I just happened across it... so just know the following block quote isn't my original words... though I identify entirely with them today.)

Being a senior in college is hard. I honestly feel like I don't
belong anywhere . . . last night I went to the welcome back dance and felt
really awkward. (Of course, that could describe pretty much every dance
I've been to, including the ones where I took dates, but whatever.)
Student teaching really contributes to this feeling of isolation, too,
because in a sense I'm working in the fully-adult circle as well as studying in
college. I don't feel carefree and fun-loving enough to be a college
student, nor do I want to feel studious and serious enough to be, well, grown
up. It's weird, and it's creating some even weirder mood shifts. Was
the end of high school this emotional? I can't remember, but all I know is
I really need to belong somewhere.

Granted, I'm not a senior... I'm just there. Which in a way makes it even worse, everyone is younger. In fact the majority of the kids I hang with are still in highschool. There are exceptions of course. *sigh* I do love them all dearly. I just feel stuck at another really weird place. I'm living at home... which I really don't mind.... but I'm certainly old enough to be on my own. I can drink alcohol legally (which I don't do very often). I'm old enough to get married, but there isn't a single elegible guy my age, which in all honesty I really shouldn't be complaining. Am I not the one who has preached so oft' "Wait for God! Don't date until God says "okay"! He has someone awesome out there for you! Wait for His timing!"? And I don't doubt that. He does have someone out there for me. But I'm one of the few I know who has any business dating. And I shouldn't be thinking any of this anyway. My focus should be on God and His love for me and sharing His love for others with those others. But then there are 17 year old boys who flirt... and the terrifying thing is I'll throw it back at 'em and then go "Dang! No! He's 17. Ignore the flirting... flirting back is bad! :-S!" And then there are 14 year old campers I haven't seen in a year who call my home # to talk to me... a boy that is, who identified me to his dad as "the Greek goddess".... who I have no idea what to do with. It could be an innocent phone call, but he's asked me to dinner with his family before. Our families don't know each other and doesn't that just strike you as weird??? *sigh* I wish - What do I wish? That life were simpler? *weak smile* I don't think that's possible. It'd be nice though wouldn't it? Well, I'll stop whining here and go read Hannah-Deeah's latest post.... and see if Becca's posted anything. Someday thoughts will be as clear as they should, and chocolate the perfect thickness for the moment ;).

Life's Unquiet Dream

2005-08-20T10:47:00.000-05:00

"Thy light alone- like mist o'er mountains driven, Or music by the night
wind sent. . . Gives grace and truth to life's unquiet dream." ~
Shelley

Hannah has this quote in the beginning of her blog like I have Isa. 62:4. How much truth there is to that... I don't know if Shelley was speaking of a person or not but to the believer Thy light alone is what gives us the grace and truth to live in our unquiet dream. How unquiet that dream can be. It dwells in all of us...lol... how funny to say that. It can't dwell in us. We are living in it. That's why it touches all of our lives.

Buckwheat pancakes taste weird.

Cinderella Man is an intense movie. It was very good, but I'm not sure I want to see it again for awhile. I'm definitely not one for boxing.

How easily the world twists love and acceptance the way God ment it to be. I understand how a friend of mine could have preffered the experience he had with some people in a bar in comparison with some of the experiences he's had in church. But does he not realize why there's the difference? The people in the bar were just being themselves. Christains are so rarely focused and saturated in God enough that being themselves truly reflects Jesus. That's sounds hollow or dogmatic or something now that I've said it. And who knows... I'm probably the worst at being judgemental. I really need to work on that - not judging others. *biting lip*... but there is calling friends to accountablity. *sigh*...

God give me the strength and love to be a reflection of You today and everyday.

Chocolat

2005-08-10T23:59:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching that movie. I loved it. Aye, one fast forward part but otherwise quite lovely. I particularly love the music. It's so fitting to the theme and it really makes me want to get up and dance. I wonder if Kathryn has heard of it - the movie or the music. I'm fairly certain she'd at least love the music. It's good dancing stuff. hmmm.... chocolate. *happy content smile* ;)

Welp, dear sir continues to be angry at me though now silent. It's the silence I don't like. I can handle being "yelled" at just fine. Unlike my dear Becca, I am fire and rain, but ice I cannot bear. *confused but thoughtful expression* "Some say the world will end in fire,/ Some say in ice..". "I've seen fire and I've seen rain/I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end/I've seen lonely time when I could not find a friend/But I always thought that I'd see your face again."

I've had a fairly nice week. Mom and I went shopping on Monday. We found wonderous sales at Bath & Body Works *sheepishly happy smile* and the furniture store. She found a lovely mirror in the mission oak style and we found a much needed bookcase for my room.
Hurrah!Hurrah! Hurrah for room for books to live happily! Hurrah! :D :D :D
How dear books are. I bought Tuck Everlasting on Monday and just finished reading it for the first time today. What an enchanting read. I've completely fallen in love with it, and though I haven't seen the movie I'm still glad I got the copy with the 1975 cover. It's just the way the pond ought to be. It's such a God thing, I think, to have read it when I have. I had no idea when I picked it up that it was set in the first 2 weeks of August. How much more perfect could it get? I only picked it up because Dominique had said it was a great movie and the book was considered a children's book. I suppose it is a children's book but it was so beautiful. :) What a happy thing the two aren't mutually exclusive, eh? :)

I guess that's all I have to post about. I'd really like to hit the sack. I thank God for days of satisfaction in Him, and that satisfied days are as equally inevitable as those that aren't.

Ordinary and Interesting Days

2005-08-08T20:38:00.000-05:00

I don't even know if I want to go into everything that's happened the past week. I guess if I took the time to post nightly I wouldn't have to now would I? *wry smile*

I emailed a certain someone about a week or two ago and then I sent another one this Saturday. As I guessed, he didn't like either and finally emailed me back on Sunday. I mean "finally" in that all I ever get from him are "hey haven't seen you online how are you i'm great" sort of emails and this time I finally got an email of some substance. Yeah he was mad but I now know he actually thinks. %) This is good. I spent all day on a reply. Yeah I know; I'm nuts. But it took me awhile to get over being livid with him, and once I did that I had to write a reply and after that I prayed over it for about an hour. Sheesh. I know I want to marry a guy (not this one particularly) but sometimes I wonder about my sanity. If I didn't want kids so much I think I might just become a nun and get the "Studs & Stallions" calendar and just have to repent for it *silly but tired smile*. Somewhere over the rainbow... there's my dude. **very sheepishly goofy grin**

I "found" two "lost" friends this week. Friday I found Sergio (we had religion together and he's an awesome apologist). Mom and I were at the Christian book store and we saw his CD's for sale there and while we were making over them the lady behind the counter told us he works there in the afternoons. I haven't stopped by to see him yet but I'm just pleased to know he's doing okay and is able to sell his music. :) And then Sunday at church I talked to Daniel Baiera for the first time since we were 13 or 14 years old. I've seen him and his parents at church but I hadn't talked to him yet so yesterday was the day. We exchanged email addresses and he's invited me to go to the Bible study at Crossroads. He's into horitculture of all things. I mean I think it's great... it's really important to aggie(agricultural) people like me but he just never struck me as being that type when we were kids.

I got to see a dressage show over the weekend that had International qualifiers! I was pretty excited. A lady I had shown against 5 years ago was in that category. Go Sandy Gaines!!! I'm not sure how she did but she looked great to me. I should have some pictures of that up shortly at my photo blog (megapix.myphotoalbum.com).

I worked with Laurel and Brian at the Asheville Lyric Opera booth at Bele Chere the last weekend in July. That was a blast. We got to see Nicole C. Mullen in concert and Denver and the Mile High Orchestra (Laurel knows one of the trumpet players). I like volunteering for the Opera. :)

Aight... I'm just brain frazzled so I'll say good night. :) Here's to bright, bright, bright sunshiney days! :):)

Butter Churn

2005-07-28T08:14:00.000-05:00

I went down to Living Waters yesterday to visit. I was good but it churned things up in me. When I first got there I was concerned things wouldn't be good... everyone was grumpy. But it was hot and somethings were people's own fault. It was good to see the, for lack of a better word, "grandma" ladies. I love them. They're always so good to me, and I don't think I've ever gotten as thoroughly tired of them as I can get of other people.

Hannah didn't get to go with me. I kinda wish she had. But oh man. Dani woman unnerved me a bit. She won't go to the Warren-Wilson contradances because she sad people are practically manifesting out there and the demonic is so thick she simply won't go. I know there are people I typically wish to avoid though I haven't been able to put a finger to why. And Dani can't stand Asheville for the same reason. I practically live here and I hardly notice it. Have I become that dull? It concerns me. Can you live in that sensitivity all the time? Does God call others to more sensitivity than others? I mean there was one time Art was saying this lady in Thailand went in fetal position on the street laughing at him and some of the white people he was with. The first thing that popped in my spirit was it was a demonic manisfestation. Arthur just thought Thais rarely see "farongs"(whites) and thought he and his friends were funny. I want to know how such a westernized society gets away with whites being so rare that they are a specticle when they are around. I mean, not many farongs may live there but come on... I've heard Thailand is a favorite vacation spot for the Swedes and such. And you're telling me he and his buddies are rare, funny-by-mere-existence white boys? *sigh* I don't know what to think sometimes.

I got to see Maggie and Steven though! Maggie was polite but didn't have much to do with me (which wasn't surprising) and Steven was a sweetie. He's growin' up though... but that's to be expected right? :):) I love the dear boy and he's growing up and the changes are good. They just make me feel old sometimes.

Dr. John was there and it was so good to talk to him. He ask me how I was doing and when I said "Good" he said "No, how are you doing? Really." and I told him the truth that this feels like a wating limbo sort of place and it's hard sometimes.... sometimes getting married seems like it'd solve my problems but that I think I'm finally really getting a grasp on the fact that getting married and all isn't what's going to satisfy me. It's going to be as equally as hard if not harder that life right now. And anywho he was just encouraging that when you finally come to that point that you're truely not looking and you really have decided to be happy as you are and wait on Him, it seems He almost immeadiately gives you what you've most desired. John said it happened that way with him and Susan and with B.J. and Pam and be still and trust. He knows the desires of my heart and He will see them fulfilled.

I think, all I really want from life is to be at peace. And happy. :) But I suppose I have two ultimate fantisies right now. 1) I close my eyes and lean back against a warm chest with strong arms around me and smile in the security and am at peace. 2) Cantering on a horse... even jumping seems like all most too much to ask... but to be on the back of a horse.. and to be spending time with horses...

God help me find the time and regain the will to get back into horses. I think Mom doubts my love for them or at least my will to continue. I want to continue. I love them. It's just that they were a dream I had to kill to be able to make it through school, and I guess it's just scary to pick it up again because I don't know if I could handle dying to it again.

"Have I said anything about dying to it again? If you are to ever go away from horses, it will not be a death. Any more than your time ending at Living Waters hasn't been a death but a growing past something. No, you'll never grow past horses, but you will not be asked to let them go in pain without some glorious thing coming in occupying your time. No, school was not glorious, though you will not regret the sacrifice. I will not ask you to do that again. You may go on with school. But it won't be painful and it won't feel so nearly as much like an end. This isn't an end, my love, this is only a beginning. I love you, my dear. I love you. "

C Is For Cookie

2005-07-23T14:15:00.000-05:00

And for the constant you add on to the anitderivative. One of the guys I work with came up with that. When you take the antiderivative (or integral) it's somewhat easy to for get to add your unknown constant on to the end. But! If you sing "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me" and think of Cookie Monster (which is likely a far more entertaining thought) when you're doing integrals you won't forget your constant. Of course I knew ya'll were just dying to know that ;). I'm glad to have been able to release you from your untimely death. Live long and satisfied with your days :).

And ya know what? I like that Thai people take off their shoes before going into houses. I know sounds kinda random, but I was at the Ferree's house last night and we always take off our shoes when we go in, except this time I went through the back door and they have a shoe rack there. I just reminded me of what Art had said in his blog about the Thai people and taking off one's shoes before entering. I think it's both polite to the lady of the house not to track dirt in and I think it's so welcoming of the family. To me it says "You're welcome and at home here. Kick off your shoes and sit a spell." and subconsiously Don't track dirt into my clean house! :) I just like it. We need a nice shoe rack at our house and I want to do the same thing in my home. It's a good thing. I think it would behoove southern society to accept it. It would behoove the American society as a whole, of course, but southerners set the pace for genteelness and therefore should accept it immediately.

Don't watch the movie Be Cool if you can help it. It's so stupid and has far more sexual crap than was necessary for the movie. And it's stupid and doesn't have much of a plot to speak of. The only part that I really enjoyed was John Trivolta dancing. Man! What I wouldn't give to be able to dance like that. It was some form of spiced up waltz or ballroom and man it rocked. He had such lovely rhythm. And he was sooo smooth. Ah! I drool to dance like that man. But he had light pink lipstick/gloss/some such on the whole movie. That was disturbing. On a whole the movie isn't worth watching.

I very much enjoyed Bourne Identity. Bourne Supremacy makes so much more sense now. And he went back for her. I love that. And he didn't kill the guy because of the kids. I love that too. Mr. Howard's comment though was she musta really liked the hair cut. I like that he had a lovely knack for washing hair. It's so wonderful to have someone wash your hair for you.... too bad he didn't have a knack for cutting it. *silly sigh*

I have such a strong impluse right now to dance. Not any fast-hyper dance but a slow, smooth 3 beat dance. Yeah, a waltz, but relaxed and dream-like. .... lost in thought... Oh that life's pen did not scratch and scrape so across my life's paper! God needs to switch to ball point. *impish smile* But plain lines would not be so beautiful as calligraphy.

I've wasted entirely too much time today. I've slept 'til noon and been on here 'til 3:30 pm. I need to do Bible study and accomplish some things. I love you all and my Heavenly Daddy especially so...

Megs

The Dark Sacred Night

2005-07-16T21:05:00.000-05:00

The title is one of my favorite lines from "What a Wonderful World" sung by Louis Armstrong. :) I'll never forget the time Jason was walking me back to my truck after a class and we still didn't know each other very well and I said I liked Louis Armstrong and being the music freak and lover of oldies that Jason is, he started picking at me with Armstrong trivia that of course any true fan should know. I only know that I like "Wonderful World" and "Hello Dolly", so I was utterly lost. :)

Greg (the guy who asked me out with a graphing calculator last semester) has been stopping by math lab to hang out every now and then because he has a half hour break between classes and doesn't always have friends to hang with then. He came in today and told me he had a dream about me last night. He said he dreamed that we were at a big university and I was part of a dance team and that I was dancing all around campus. He knows nothing of the call on my life to dance. Isn't that just weird? God speaks to us in mysterious ways? He's a nice guy but I'm not particularly interested. *shrug* 'Course that doesn't mean I throw the dream out.

I really do love dancing but I'm getting picky. I like dancing with guys who I share brain vibes with if you know what I mean. They're the guys I don't have to think... we feel the music and the dance comes out the same in both of us. It's ever such a lovely feeling. I reeeeally want to marry a guy like that.

I got to tutor a chemistry person today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D And I knew what I was doing and it made sense to me and to the girl I tutored. I'm so excited! Chemistry makes my brain happy. I still don't like Keith. He came in today to find out what hours he's working in the fall. I don't think he likes me either. It's good feelings are mutual.

Life must be a whirlwind and I suppose the consistency is God's love and the ever spinning of the whole deal. But life is far better than hell. Wanna know how I know? I've found the exact definition of hell.

Hell: the place where you are locked in your own personal tanning bed
in eternal summer with no airconditioning and a thousand mosquitos and gnats are
constantly tormenting you and everytime you open your eyes there's a math word
problem or a pointless and utterly boring essay question that you MUST answer
and when you close your eyes there's a voice reading the question to you and
demanding an answer all the while the gnats are buzzing your face and ears and
the mosquitos are eating you alive. Occassionally a recording of people selling
AM-Way or timeshares or perhaps Jehova Witnesses will play just as you start to
understand what ever tormenting question is asked of you. Or a
tellemarket-er will call and you will be forced to answer
it. And this will continue for ever.

That, my friends, is the definition of hell. I've been in tanning bed and no ac. I've been tormented by gnats and mosquitoes. I've had to answer hideous academic questions. And I've chased off Jehova Witnesses. I havn't been made to live through the telemarket-ers. But as you can see I've compiled quite a vivid picture of what hell is or will or would be. (Note: I didn't add some of the other things like stupid people and audits by the IRS because they'll likely be too busy paying their own dues to be bugging their unfortunate commrades.)

Enough talk of the unhappy things in life :). I've gotten to ride a horse a good bit lately. It's been good. I guess I haven't posted any 4th of July or semi-formal pics have I? Perhaps I will after I post this. The semiformal was put on by Kathryn and some of her Catholic friends. It was in an Episcopal church and their pictures are absolutly confusing. I mean it looks like Catholic symbolism but then they fling jewels all across their artistry and really confuse whatever you thought they were trying to say through it. But the decoration of the fellowship hall was lovely for the Midsummer-Night's Dream theme of the party. And there was good music and dancing. It was good. And I got to meet Nathan's interest Meredith. She's such a dolly. And Mr. Vish took an darling picture of Kathryn and Chase together. I suppose if they can't work things out I'm at least glad they're friends. Chase is so much fun yet I never feel like he's being bad abandoning Kat. :) But anywho... I'd better get going.. that's just some random info on my life.

Well, one other thing. Being ready to get married doesn't just "happen" to you. Those days you really question whether or not you really are ready to are the days you come that much closer to being "there". And it doesn't just hit you. It creeps up on you bit by bit and you realize a lot of it is there but you truely do wonder if it's enough. I think that's how maturity and being ready to get married come about. They creep and grow very slowly so that you really don't realize how much maturity and strength in God you really have. So anywho.. I'm done with my soap box now.... I love you all and good night! (I love you Heavenly Daddy!!)

Foxy Roxy

2005-06-29T17:15:00.000-05:00

Surgeon Megan's Warning:
Let it be known that no one should drink wine on an empty stomache even if it doesn't cause intoxication or upset stomache. There are other "members" furthur on down the line who aren't appreciative of alcohol w/o a meal. And I also have a strange pain in my ear that goes into my jaw. But my admonishment about the wine is more important at this point.

More interesting matters:

I went to a gala last night! It was the end of the season party for Asheville Lyric Opera, and Laurel invited me, Brian, Erica, Shelly and Phil to help out. For helping out, a lady in charge invited us young people to join the Young Adult Opera Guild of Asheville. We all joined so now, (as far as I know) the Young Adult Opera Guild is now composed of Brian, Erica, Phil, Shelly, Laurel (the founder of course) and me. I'm not joking! It's a real deal. There just aren't that many of us yet, but it does mean that if we work as ushers and/or help clean up after galas we get to attend operas and galas for free. Sounds like a sweet enough deal to me. Free opera, finger food, live music (at galas), and wine tasting. One should just eat plenty before tasting wine.

In the other news, our new peer tutor at work (John) has decided to name me "sunshine" and "Foxy Roxy". And he brought me coffee from Starbucks this moring. That's kinda weird but I guess he's just that sweet. He's such a libral though. It's rather sad; he truely is quite intelligent and well read/watched, but he's still politically misguided and delusional. I guess no one can be perfect, eh? Oh, and since he knows how much I dislike Josh, he's begun to tease me about "has your boyfriend been by yet?". But it's not entirely unpleasant. He knows I don't like Josh so since he's just trying to annoy me... I dunno. For whatever reason it doesn't get on my nerves. Rather than irritating me it feels more like a joke on Josh. *shrug*

It's rained three days in a row (of course if you live in Asheville this is no surprise to you). That hasn't been helpful for the "get back into horses" campaign. I worked Nick 4 days prior to the rain and though working a horse does "cramp" my social life I have dearly missed it. I feel so torn about quitting working and not taking classes. I'm sick of school/tutoring/the like to be sure, but when I mentioned my inclinations to mom she pretty much let me know she thinks I'm nuts for letting go of a good paying job at this point. She doesn't know what it's like to do math all day... no matter how easy. I enjoy teaching quick learners, but slow learners are getting on my nerves. And they shouldn't. There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking more time to learn something than most people. But I just want to take a torch to the fog in their minds and it's getting harder to find a constructive way to do that. God give me patience and teach me to love them like You love them - but hurry. :S :)

Dominique's dad is in the hospital in ICU last I heard. He's prolly out of ICU at this point but he's still in critical condition I think. He's had fainting spells and he recently had one in which he fell and hit his head very hard. Apparently there's still some brain swelling, but the good part is he recognizes everyone. I think everyone's fairly shaken up over that one, so if you think to... please keep Mr. Marin in your prayers.

I could whip Brian. He's being girl crazy and if you want my opinion (which you better ;) you are reading my blog), it's just because Travis is married and his sister got married at 18 and he wants somebody. Don't we all want somebody!? But that's not criteria to date! For heaven's sake, if I dated all the boys I thought I wanted when I wanted them I'd be in pretty sorry shape right now - either heartbreak hotel or hook-him city. It's a struggle (don't I know) but I want something that's gonna last. I want to be hugged and cuddled more than anything right NOW in this very moment, but that doesn't mean I should cuddle up with the first Christian guy within 2 years of me I can find. It means I focus on God and remind Him that He is my Rescuer and my Redeemer. And remind Him that in Psalms He promises to satisfy me in the morning. And God doesn't know how to lie. He always comes through for us. I have to believe that inspite of the moments like now when I wonder when my heart will be satisfied. But it will.

I very much want to put my opinion of Arthur up here right now. Heck I've said everything else about him haven't I? He's being a shallow little dork. He looks like a dork in his Thailand pictures. And his blog, while factually interesting, is shallow. How so? In compairison to Nathan's trail blog, he's all superfical and there's no soul left to him. I believe God will change him back to the man he use to be instead of this shallow silly boy he has become. I look very much foward to it. Yeah so Art and Nathan aren't the same guy. I know that and I'm glad of that but that doesn't give Arthur permission to be shallow. There was soo much depth to him before he went to college. I'll be glad when it comes back. I thank You that You are faithful and that You'll bring him back. Thank You for showing him who his true friends are (you should read the posts his "friends" school have left. They're a bunch of idiots. I know I'm not being gracious but... it jus makes me so mad that he puts so much importance on these people who aren't worth the time investment he makes in them. He gave up Living Waters... Living Waters... to go on a retreat with these people. Yes we should be a light but we certainly shouldn't give up our dearest source of spiritual encouragement for those seem to only profess superfical Christianity of any form. I mean, right now, I have a lot more respect for the Vishes than Arthur. They encourage me more in my faith than he who I've grown up with and grown in the faith with. That's just sad. And it breaks my heart... and it makes me angry that I still allow him to break my heart. But then I remember 1 Cor. 13 and loving like God loves opens our hearts to be hurt. But we must continue to love until love itself heals the pain of loving. Oh to walk in love like God does!!

Mom has become NBA draft possessed. She's livid that Chris Paul has gotten so much attention, and they didn't even bother to interview Jarret Jack. It's all political and rigged and just a big, painful, stupid joke. Good players gettin' second round to stupid idiots who play dirty, and highschoolers. That's just wrong. They discourage good sportsmanship and the experience of playing on a college team. It's corrupt and I'd rather not watch it. %)

Dang... I guess I sound like I'm complaining alot. :( On the whole I'm well off, I'm so glad my Hannah came and ate lunch with me on Monday. That made a really crappy day so much better. *soft musing smile* For all that Hannah has begged we don't forget her when she goes; I do pray she doesn't forget us when she has a new gang she hangs with. I hope she doesn't catch up on the apathy that's so rampant. And I pray somehow she slips under the radar of peer pressure to have a boyfriend. I want her to be happy. And in God's time that will be a boyfriend, but I feel rather certain for now that boyfriends aren't in the picture for any of us. God give us strength eh?

"O her eyes are amber-fine/Deep and dark as wells of wine." ~ James Whitcombe Riley

To close my eyes and have someone sweep me off into a beautiful waltz... and just get lost in the beauty and the music.... *sigh* I sound like an oxymoron don't I? "Don't let us be caught dating!" one minute and seeming male obessed the next. %) To be free from these chains of desire that enslave us!... to be free from our very selves? to not desire anything may not be good at all....

%)%)%)%)%)...think I better quit tonight. I'm musing/talking way too much. I love you all so much, and I love You, my Lord and my Rescuer.

Morning Rays - Waking Gold

2005-06-18T17:03:00.000-05:00

Mornings rays on a waking world
Glorious, bright days no longer of old
Slowly one foot before the other - manifold
Thousands of souls lost
Lost in untamed laughter of foot
Lost in untamed mastery of soul
The music - life's music - taking ahold
Music claiming the feet
Joy possessing the soul.

~by Megan Redding

2005-06-07T22:59:00.000-05:00

Arthur's take off

2005-06-07T22:58:00.000-05:00

Arthur in his plane

2005-06-07T22:57:00.000-05:00

"These people you gave me, Lord. They're so exhausting."

2005-06-07T22:56:00.000-05:00

sandpipers and surf

2005-06-07T22:55:00.000-05:00

My desktop background as of right now

2005-06-07T22:53:00.000-05:00

Sandy's personal opinion of sand and sunbathing

2005-06-07T22:52:00.000-05:00

sky and dunes

2005-06-07T22:51:00.000-05:00

I have no idea what kind of flower except it's a member of the deadly nightshade family and it's quite beautiful :)

2005-06-07T22:49:00.000-05:00

Sunset on Silver Lake with a ferry (background) and sail boat (forground)

2005-06-07T22:48:00.000-05:00

Sweet Pea growning in a pot on the porch of Ocracoke Restoration Co.

2005-06-07T22:47:00.000-05:00

THE BEGINNING OF VACATION :D
The kitty belonging to the owner of the house we stayed in (foreground) and her friend we lovingly named Miss Darthy (background)

2005-06-07T22:00:00.001-05:00

Hail the Conquering Graduates!

2005-06-07T22:00:00.000-05:00

after we stopped laughing ;)

2005-06-07T21:59:00.000-05:00

Nathan and me at the reception

2005-06-07T21:58:00.000-05:00

me before I left for the Civic Center