I think what I miss most in my life is a sense of community, a sense of being apart of something bigger that I have in common with others, a shared love. soft laugh ... How have I come to this conclusion? Mom and I went to the Saturday portion of City League International show at the Ag Center this weekend. We watched the young riders (15 -18yrs) from all over the south (south as far as Venezuela and Columbia) jump their horses in the outdoor area. In the evening, we watched the Olympic level adults in the Mac Arena. It reawakened a place in my heart that aches. I miss showing. I miss the family-ish-ness of being a part of a barn and competing with my peers. I miss riding lessons. I miss jumping for the pure, unadulterated joy of it. With that ache comes the longing to be a part of a church family also. I won't even expand on that except to say I'm sick of it not existing and my family's seeming inability to find a place that we can blend and be a family with. sigh.. I think this underlying longing is what sometimes makes me feel almost panicky to get married or find "the one". It's not that I really need to get married, more that I just miss sharing life with people my age who really love what I love. I share my life with my parents but I don't know why I find that so difficult. Some of the difficulty is I want to feel like an adult, but I don't. And part of me blames my parents for that, but is it really their fault? I dunno. I hate feeling like a waif. I hate dreaming and feeling inadequate and ill equipped to see any dream a reality. And in spite of feeling this way I had joy today. It was strange. Mom sent me off this morning with a "wish" of meeting some handsome guys my age at work/school. It offended me at first. It felt like she was saying the prospects at hand (there's one-ish) weren't worth it. As if she had better in her pocket! And then as the day wore on I realized I was deciding that the pickings were slim and I'd better see if I can't settle and make do with what's at hand than to keep looking and never get married at all. Why do I let myself get into these silly ruts? She's right. Any day might be "the day". Why do I let myself get discouraged so easily and doubt so easily? sigh... why do I allow myself to live on a roller coaster of doubt and unbelief?
I dunno... but yes, joy crept in today and I am grateful. Sounds odd after my griping huh? chuckle... I don't know how God does it. I've found there's very little I feel certain of these days, but I do know this. God loves us, and gives us joy. There's way more to it than that... but maybe there isn't. "Be imitators of God, as dearly beloved children.." God is love. "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us". While we were still wallowing in sin, Jesus was about to pop with love for us and said "Yes! Go ahead and create mankind... They'll be worth dying for. I'll set the price. They are worth it." Jesus loves just as much when I'm an "uncleaned fish" as He does when I really am walking in His image like I was created to. That and my dance class have been my happy thoughts. :-) Oh, and I've been riding more and beginning to train the Stella (4 yr. mare) under saddle*. When I ride, I feel God's pleasure. :-).. but ya already knew that ;-)... well my peeps.. I need to end my rambles and get me to bed. I love you all!
"I love my God the first of all,
Then Him that perished on the cross,
And next, my wife -- and then I fall
Down on my knees and love the hoss."
~ excerpt from "The Hoss" by J.W. Riley
_____________________________________________________________________
(*trans: under saddle means I've been riding her a little. Up to this point I've been working with her on ground manners such as, picking up her feet when I ask, walking quietly beside me and observing my personal space, and other skills that will make her an easily handled horse)
No comments:
Post a Comment