Wow... so my church's 3 day fast ended yesterday and now we're studying 52 days of integrity counting down. There seems like so much swimming in my head right now. I worked Nick today and how sweet it is to see improvement. And it was wonderful to have patience with him too. I'm almost scared to let the old desire come back for fear I'll only be disappionted. Oh what joy awaits me to ride again. And show! Of all things! :D Who needs sugar plums when images of magnificent rides, perfectly ridden courses, and seemingly effortless team work between horse and rider are in my head?
And then tonight we worked on choreographing "Set Me Free" on the new Casting Crowns CD at dance practice and I'm scared. Angie wants/expects me to mime alot, and I coulda backed out already but part of me really wants to do this. It's just been so long...longer than horse stuff? Is all that creativity still in there? It's really gonna take God for me to have the strength (creative and physical) to pull this off. I just hope and pray that I don't encounter "ghosts in my past" from this. I mean... all the crap we went though with Holly and New Covenant in general. I know mom's right; there's a lot of good acting and talent in me still yet to be seen. I'm just scared there are memories I'd rather forget attached to it. It sounds stupid but it's still startling how painful childhood wounds can be. And then Pastor Jay said tonight that he'd like to have me over to dinner or he and his oldest son (16 years) may like to take me to lunch next week. Or something like that. It just seems stressful and it shouldn't. And Jenny asked me to pray about helping her and Ben with drama/theater with the youth. I know this is all my background but still. Why am I so easily startled? And can I really handle the extra responsiblity? I can't even remember to call Caleb's mom back! *eye roll* HA! I want life to "happen" for me and soon but when it does in little ways I freak out and get overwhelmed. Only me, eh?
My restful or at peace moments today were working Nick and seeing progress and turning him out in the pasture after working him and having him follow me back up to the gate. And my other good moment was playing with Caroline (9 years). She's taking basketball or playing on a team and Ben (her big bro) had been giving her a hard time teasing her with the ball but when I left she came outside with me and we had fun stealing the ball from each other. My basketball skills are only a hair better than hers so we had alot of fun.
Why does life seem to be great and crashing or at least pressing really hard all at once? *sigh* I screwed up times sheets yet again. *shrug* Just felt like mentioning that. Jason bought me and Mary-Lisa fries today. I was only teasing him when I "demanded" he buy them. But he did it anyway. I'll have to remember to get him some fries later in the semester. I feel so distraught and I don't really know why. ARG!!! This why I don't like being a girl. I don't understand my own emotions. Otherwise I love dressing up (I can't believe I just said that), and I guess just being me. Who am I though? *eye roll* I'm thinking too much. Or coming up with too many questions w/o the gumption or ablility to answer them. La de da de da.......
yeah.. that's pretty much the contents of my mind right now... or at least as much as I'm gonna post here for tonight. I should get me to bed....... or a nunnery.... or both *goofy-yet-exasperated-with-self smile* oh.. one more random thing. I found quoting "Jabberwocky" to myself and Nick quite delightful of all things. It just gave me such a joyful carefree feeling.
...Daddy God, I'm simply not gonna make it without You. Please give me Your wisdom and peace in these decisions I need to make. Help me keep my heart on track. Please give me some new insight of creativity in this song. I know I'm where You want me at this church and on this dance team. I know You gave me the creativity and ability in the first place. And I know You can restore what fear and the enemy have tried to steal from me. And for one silly last prayer *sheepish look*... I want Angie and Jenny to glean the good stuff from that camp video but pleeease pleeeease pleeeease let them skip over that part with me looking and dancing dorky to Shackles... and especially don't let Graham see it. Or Ben, or Tim for that matter. I know that's shallow but I really don't want to have to live that one down. *embarassed face* Okay.. so maybe that's what's bugging me. I hope I'm not so shallow I can't handle myself being stupid. *sigh* Daddy, I just need Your peace so I can sleep and have a good day tomorrow.... I love You. And thank You for loving me in spite of myself and my insanities. Thank You for the wonderful friends You've put in my life. Show me how to love them like You do. And really how to love myself like You do. *quirked mouth* You know I don't mean to be conceited... so I'd better just go to sleep while I'm ahead....G'night and much love.
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