Hmmm... what strangely God ordained readings today. From reading 2 chapters in Captivating this morning and having something of a yell at God about it to Suzanne's ramble about needing other people in our lives. The song Hannah posted was perfect. The remembering why I chose the scripture or a scripture at all to describe this blog. If I do indeed have my own farm someday I believe I want to name it Beulah Land Farm or something with "Beulah Land" in it. Not only because Beulah means married but because that's my great grandmother's name too....
(Mother's complaining that my only "male communications right now are with an 18 yr. old". Arg. Like I asked God to please send me younger friends?! Like it doesn't totally freak me out sometimes? Like I didn't spend a half hour crying out to God this morning that I'm frustrated and terrified all at once? As if I'm not scared of not being a good friend and somehow failing what could be a great friendship b/c I get "needy" sometimes? *sigh* Why is this life so damn complicated could someone tell me?!? "Because of the Fall... because sin came in..." yes, I know why.. I just wish it weren't true. I have no answers; only hope that He will guide me and save me from my fears. )
Wow.. well that's not what I intended to post. Pero, que sera sera. I feel for Hannah right now. At first it seems creeps like you. Then guys who are too old. And now guys who are too young. But who's to say they really like you that much or that way? (the younger ones that is) Is there really no real shread of true "normal" friendship to be found? I mean... *sigh* I don't know what I mean. I guess I'm trying to rationalize or reason something to make it okay for him to call me and me to enjoy talking to him alot. ARG!!!!!!!!! I want out of this place. I want to live in a place where it's okay to be real and only people who know how to love like God wants us to love live and that we could all love perfectly like God wants us to so we could all live there. sarcastically: Why can't I just live in a perfect world?! humph! "male communication" who am I suppose to talk to? Brian? Drew? B's just B. End of story... heaven forgive me but Drew's just not good looking and not my type okay? So let's see... the rest are too young and just friends anyway... oh and Nathan's too catholic/i'm too protestant... we both argee to that. Why the hell do I have to analyze all my relationships like this? So there's no such thing as "normal". I admit that much. Why isn't there a place that's consistently good? Why is it so hard to get away from my fears? I'm asking questions I don't think have answers concrete enough to satisfy me. And now I feel bad I've just dumped all this on my readers. How is it you can so thoroughly enjoy someone's company and that person can still make you smile b/c of the silliest things and it's still all wrong or seems that way? I hate how it grates on me to live under her criticism whether she's right in a situation or not. Shall I cease to have friends all together? That's what it feels like somedays.
I wish the longing would go away. And the lovely daydream... it reminds me of Alexandria's daydream in the movie O! Pioneers. She dreamed of someone strong lifting her up like she weighed no more than a bundle of wheat. And that strength holding her.... I just detest this defeated feeling. I know it's the enemy. But how much longer, eh? Sometimes I don't even really want to be married so much as God to just come in and satisfy my heart. To not feel the longing... for a day. But I wouldn't be happy for a day... I'd want it everyday. So, God, come! Fill this hole You've purposely left in Your shape. You made me in Your image but left me hollow... fill me and satisfy my thirst. Make all the shadows of fear depart. Show me the right way. Teach me to be strong and consistent. Show me to love like You love. Teach me how to be the friend and woman you called me to be. And let tomorrow be good. *sigh* I love you, Lord.
2 comments:
dear, we have a God-shaped hole, but He also made us to desire a husband, close companionship, etc. there is a kind of hole for husbands to fill, it's just not THE hole. and it's ok to want that, i'd be worried if you didn't... but i know it's frustrating.
*AIR HUG* i blew you a kiss too.
don't forget to find the balance between listening to your wise mother and letting yourself have an opinion and stand up for something good.
i love you and hang in there..
hannah
I want to meet this Hannah that reads and comments at the same time I do. :-)
Dont we all have days/nights like that ... when all we are cries out to be freed and rescued from our very humanity ... We cannot escape the fact HE created us to be relational creatures, no matter how badly we ache for it. And that's prolly for the good, after all, b/c I wouldn't have you if HE answered those pleas ... ***hugs***
Perhaps those strong-armed mountains need to loosen their grip and let you dance on the plains for a few days ... *soft smile*
All my love, my own dear Megs!
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