Butter Churn

I went down to Living Waters yesterday to visit. I was good but it churned things up in me. When I first got there I was concerned things wouldn't be good... everyone was grumpy. But it was hot and somethings were people's own fault. It was good to see the, for lack of a better word, "grandma" ladies. I love them. They're always so good to me, and I don't think I've ever gotten as thoroughly tired of them as I can get of other people.

Hannah didn't get to go with me. I kinda wish she had. But oh man. Dani woman unnerved me a bit. She won't go to the Warren-Wilson contradances because she sad people are practically manifesting out there and the demonic is so thick she simply won't go. I know there are people I typically wish to avoid though I haven't been able to put a finger to why. And Dani can't stand Asheville for the same reason. I practically live here and I hardly notice it. Have I become that dull? It concerns me. Can you live in that sensitivity all the time? Does God call others to more sensitivity than others? I mean there was one time Art was saying this lady in Thailand went in fetal position on the street laughing at him and some of the white people he was with. The first thing that popped in my spirit was it was a demonic manisfestation. Arthur just thought Thais rarely see "farongs"(whites) and thought he and his friends were funny. I want to know how such a westernized society gets away with whites being so rare that they are a specticle when they are around. I mean, not many farongs may live there but come on... I've heard Thailand is a favorite vacation spot for the Swedes and such. And you're telling me he and his buddies are rare, funny-by-mere-existence white boys? *sigh* I don't know what to think sometimes.

I got to see Maggie and Steven though! Maggie was polite but didn't have much to do with me (which wasn't surprising) and Steven was a sweetie. He's growin' up though... but that's to be expected right? :):) I love the dear boy and he's growing up and the changes are good. They just make me feel old sometimes.

Dr. John was there and it was so good to talk to him. He ask me how I was doing and when I said "Good" he said "No, how are you doing? Really." and I told him the truth that this feels like a wating limbo sort of place and it's hard sometimes.... sometimes getting married seems like it'd solve my problems but that I think I'm finally really getting a grasp on the fact that getting married and all isn't what's going to satisfy me. It's going to be as equally as hard if not harder that life right now. And anywho he was just encouraging that when you finally come to that point that you're truely not looking and you really have decided to be happy as you are and wait on Him, it seems He almost immeadiately gives you what you've most desired. John said it happened that way with him and Susan and with B.J. and Pam and be still and trust. He knows the desires of my heart and He will see them fulfilled.

I think, all I really want from life is to be at peace. And happy. :) But I suppose I have two ultimate fantisies right now. 1) I close my eyes and lean back against a warm chest with strong arms around me and smile in the security and am at peace. 2) Cantering on a horse... even jumping seems like all most too much to ask... but to be on the back of a horse.. and to be spending time with horses...

God help me find the time and regain the will to get back into horses. I think Mom doubts my love for them or at least my will to continue. I want to continue. I love them. It's just that they were a dream I had to kill to be able to make it through school, and I guess it's just scary to pick it up again because I don't know if I could handle dying to it again.

"Have I said anything about dying to it again? If you are to ever go away from horses, it will not be a death. Any more than your time ending at Living Waters hasn't been a death but a growing past something. No, you'll never grow past horses, but you will not be asked to let them go in pain without some glorious thing coming in occupying your time. No, school was not glorious, though you will not regret the sacrifice. I will not ask you to do that again. You may go on with school. But it won't be painful and it won't feel so nearly as much like an end. This isn't an end, my love, this is only a beginning. I love you, my dear. I love you. "