Wow... so much the past few weeks and so much coming. What's been on my heart the most lately is that I let Arthur "have it" in an email. He flew in and visited almost 24hrs. one weekend on vacation. It was good to see him. But I emailed him after I got home and let him know how upset I've been with him and his apparent lack of friendship or even caring to sustain one. His only encouragement to me was him showing up on Ocracoke. And he's just emailed me that he arrived safe in Thailand. Yep, Thailand. He's going there for school for 6 months... the particulars I'm not sure of. I just know he emailed me to say, "I just wanted to let you know I was alive." and that once he got set up in an apartment he'd email me again. I assume in response to my long email. Gosh. I was so ready to let him go and drift away... but God hasn't let me. I fought Him so much on the feelings that were rekindled in my heart. But you know... the crazy thing is this is the first time he's left me that I haven't cried. My tears have been uncontrollable before but this time, though I was saddened, I did not need to cry. I feel like I had finally totally and completely let him go. And after he physically left, God gave him back to me. And I don't know what to think. I have to believe that God in His love is working on Arthur's heart too. That's why I was compelled to email him instead of let him drift away again. God won't let me give up on him. This love in my heart is strange for me, but I shall walk through it. That is something else God is teaching me. If I don't sow love, I'll never reap love. And something Mother Theresa said... Love until it hurts, and keep loving until love is all that is left. That's God's kind of love. And that's the love I'm going to have to determine to love him with. My love isn't sufficent to love anyone or anything with. :) (Becca, my dear, don't question me too much on this.. I know it seems strange but I know in my heart that it's true. And after talking to my mum, we found the same thing has happened in both our hearts and all we know is that it's God because we weren't capable of this determined-ness.)
Graduation and vacation went well btw. I'll post some pictures of both here in a bit. Vacation was entirely God ordained. We stayed at a house named "Recovery Room" and was my heart ever recovered there. God blessed us so much. Even the road trip was blessed. Hannah gave me a CD with a mixture of music on it and it was so good. The songs either made me laugh or spoke to my heart in ways I'm not sure if she even knew they would.
Work has been strange but good. Strange in that going to school makes it seem like school hasn't ended and I know that if I ever become a teacher I NEVER want to teach summer school. It's not bad... infact I love the Calculus 1 guys.. they're so much fun and they'll be fun to take Calc 2 with if they take Val's section in the fall. Work is a bit more stressfull than it use to be though. Sharon's (my boss) is giving me more responsiblity and tomorrow I'm participating in this student panel discussion whatever because Colleen (co-worker) recommended me and Sharon's boss (dean of arts and sciences) wants me too. Then whoever these unknown people asking me questions are, they will be touring the Academic Learning Center so I'll have to play wonderful hostess for them if Sharon has to direct another tour. And some idiot (accually I think it was the Dean of Allied Services) had to give a pre-tour to some lady. I just hate being caught off guard but at least I was busy tutoring so Cathrine talked to them. She's an adult. I know I may look like one, get paid like one, and legally be one but that doesn't mean I feel like one and feel capable of being one. And I'm suppose to print weekly computer reports every week in addition to my new role as peer tutor timesheet keeper. I forgot to do english lab's report today and didn't have time before I left to do it... so hopefully Sharon won't notice or won't have a cow before I find a chance to figure out how to do that tomorrow. I have to remind myself that I'm getting paid $13 an hour for the extra stress. I guess it's not stress... I just feel like a little kid sometimes and the responsibility sometimes seems a bit overwhelming. *sigh* such is life. :)
Daddy, please cradle me and hold me . Fill me with your love so I can love others the way you love others. Lead me and guide me and give me strength. Thank you for all you've done already. I love you so much. I love you.
1 comment:
I'm going to email, or hopefully, maybe, catch you online tonight or SOON ... but I wanted to post at least this much here:
If there's a love that refuses to let you go, I understand that ... Last week I wrote out 3 pages of mess about J*hn ... There's something holding onto me, refusing to let go and die a peaceful death. Only, I'm not convinced mine is as "good" as yours. *wry grin* Anyway ... I won't probe or question past what you want me to, at least not too much. ;-) **hugs** And here's to getting to talk soon!
All my love, your Becks
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